She Wants A Quickie And He Wants A Cuddle

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 205. And it’s titled, she wants a quickie, and he wants a cut-off. So something that comes up rather often with our older clients is how the relationship dynamic shifts as they get older. And we’re going to talk a lot about that, after we, you know, do our sponsor, and all that kind of thing.

Kevin Anthony 0:54
But the gist of the show is going to be like, as a couple who has been together for a certain number of years. And as they start to approach a certain age, they start to see that certain dynamics in the relationship shift. And so what we’re going to talk about today is, what are those dynamics that shift? Why do they shift? What happens when they shift? And how can you change that? Whoo,

Céline Remy 1:23
that’s exciting. Before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections and last longer, or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at powerandmastery.com.

Céline Remy 1:49
So make sure you go check it out. So I find this very fascinating because it has been a very relevant conversation that we’ve been having with our clients. And even other people like submitting questions to us where we see this dynamic happening a lot. So where she wants a quickie, he wants to cuddle, he wants more foreplay she wants him to get it over with.

Céline Remy 2:15
And often when he’s trying to be spontaneous. And she says no. And there are all of these things that pile up and build up resentment. So what is happening to men and women when it comes to sex as they age? Let’s start with that.

Kevin Anthony 2:33
And let’s even go back a little further and start with what is the usual dynamic? So how are things usually let’s establish a baseline and then we’ll talk about how it shifts. Okay. So generalities here, people generalities that before you flip the fuck out generalities, right, these are generally true for most people. Okay? So, men, when they are younger, they want to fuck everything that moves. Right?

Kevin Anthony 3:05
And they’re not suited, they don’t need a whole lot in order to get in that mood and to have sex, they don’t need a lot of intimacy, you will you could even say some of them don’t care about the intimacy. That’s true. Some don’t, some do care, but they don’t necessarily need it. There’s a difference, right? Do you get that?

Kevin Anthony 3:24
Whereas women, on the other hand, they’re like, Hey, wait a minute, I don’t just want to be fog-like, talk to me, cuddle me, touch me, like, show me, tell me your deepest desires. I want to connect with you, you know, right. These are the generalities that exist in most men and women when they’re younger,

Céline Remy 3:46
then there comes a time of the mating period, and then you’re having babies and then all of a sudden, she no longer wants sex for some time, because she’s just focused on having, you know, taking care of the babies. And he’s right there. And he’s like, my libido hasn’t shifted.

Céline Remy 4:04
So there’s a whole adjustment period between how she feels harsh, you know, what she wants, how he feels what he wants, and finding a new normal, getting adjusted, even as a kid grows older, like, is it okay to still have sex? Do we put all of our energy into our kids? I mean, we’ve done a whole show on sex after children so we’re not going to spend more time

Kevin Anthony 4:27
go listen to that one. We covered that pretty

Céline Remy 4:29
good. Finally, the children are grown up they leaving home and you’re thinking yes, this is it. Now we can get back on track. But 10 We really

Kevin Anthony 4:42
well. And the problem is, is that after all those years go by there is really no going back to the way things used to be because you’re no longer the same people that you used to be. And so things do shift. So now let’s talk about how they again generalities be People, we’re gonna talk about how things tend to shift for men and women.

Kevin Anthony 5:05
So, you know, we’re mostly talking in the 40s and beyond, which is when this real shift really starts to happen. And, you know, it can happen anywhere from the 40s to 60s or whatever, like, there’s no exact time. But in general, things start shifting somewhere around the 40s. So what happens to men? Well, men tend to become less focused on their own pleasure.

Kevin Anthony 5:30
One of the things that we hear from pretty much every man that we work with, I know you hear, I definitely hear I’ve heard it from pretty much every man I’ve coached, which is, well, I’m just, I’m really, I’m really worried about you know, is she really enjoying it is she having a good time, is she going to have a note like, I really want to give her an orgasm, right?

Kevin Anthony 5:53
Men become hyper-focused, sometimes, almost too focused on whether or not she’s into it, she’s enjoying it, she’s having a good time, she’s going to have an orgasm, all of that stuff. So they really become less focused on their own pleasure.

Céline Remy 6:11
But they also crave more intimacy, and they want connection, they want more charge. They want cuddles just being together.

Kevin Anthony 6:23
Yeah. And that, that is one of the hugest shifts that really happens is that, you know, when, when men are younger, like I said, you kind of have the two camps, right? You have the camp who’s like, you know? Yeah, I mean, I like intimacy and all that, but I don’t really need it. Like I just fuck, right.

Kevin Anthony 6:42
And then there’s the other camp who’s like, Screw all that intimacy crap, like, let’s just get down and fuck, right, you know, those are the kind of the two camps when you’re younger, but when you’re older, it shifts significantly. And as a man, you, you get to that place where you’re like, you know, I mean, just fucking is, is fine at all.

Kevin Anthony 7:03
But it’s really actually not nearly as good as when I actually have a connection, especially a deep connection, an intimate one where there’s love shared. So that’s a huge shift that happens in a lot of men.

Céline Remy 7:18
So let’s talk about the women. So the women tend to become more focused on their own pleasure. And I think there’s a combination of finally understanding their bodies, how it works, and being like, Hey, I’ve like focused on other people this whole time. Now, it’s, it’s my time, so I’m going after it. And they’re also less conscious, like self-conscious about things because like, well, I’ve spent 20 years of my life worrying about cellulite.

Céline Remy 7:45
So yeah, whatever, let’s just drop this right. And they know more what they want, what they need, and it seems to want to fuck now there are at say, two camps because and as, as you know, why is all this happening is because of hormones. And we’ll come back to that. But I think there are two camps when it comes to the woman there’s either the woman becomes really interested in sex doesn’t want it, or has discomfort, or pain, and just shies away from it. Or then it’s like, the game is on, we’re going to fall back. And I want it all the time.

Kevin Anthony 8:23
So if you’re listening to this, it means thinking sort of already. So let the cat out of the bag, as they say, a little bit. But you know, if it sounds like if you’re listening, this your sound and you’re thinking it sounds like both of these men are really sounding like women. And these women are really sounding like men, you are correct ding ding, ding, ding, you win the prize because there are some big changes happening here that are hormone-driven, as Céline mentioned, that are helping one become a little bit more like the other and vice versa.

Kevin Anthony 8:56
That can be a good thing. But it can also be a bad thing depending on how far it goes and what you do about it. So I think now’s a good time to just jump into why is this actually happening? Okay, so we mentioned hormones a little bit. So we’ve done a couple of episodes on hormones, please go back and listen to those for the really technical information on hormones. We spoke to two different doctors, Dr. Fleisher and Dr. Platt they had amazing information to share about hormones and how they affect the body.

Kevin Anthony 9:29
But in general, what’s happening here is, you know, both men and women have estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. We’ve all got all three of them. We just have them in different ratios, different levels, and so women are primarily estrogen dominant and men are primarily testosterone dominant, but as we age, that shifts so the woman’s estrogen levels start dropping, which when you then compare the ratio have estrogen to testosterone, all of a sudden that ratio is not as far apart as it used to be.

Kevin Anthony 10:06
And then the same thing with men, their testosterone levels start dropping, and then they end up with a much higher ratio of estrogen to testosterone coursing through their bodies. Now, man, I know, I know, I know, no man wants to think about the fact that his testosterone is dropping, because he’s not a man anymore. But just keep in mind that science tells us that around age 30, your testosterone levels peak and start dropping roughly one percent a year.

Kevin Anthony 10:38
Now, of course, you don’t necessarily know unless you had it tested when you were at your peak, what your number is. And that’s a whole nother discussion. We talked more about that in the hormone episodes. So we won’t get into it today. But just know, it is dropping, no matter how much you think it’s not. It is. And so here’s what happens. You used to have to say, I don’t know, we’ll make estrogen up here just so people don’t freak out.

Kevin Anthony 11:03
And testosterone down, it doesn’t matter which way I’m not saying one is above the other. I’m just trying to show if you’re watching the video, I’ve got one hand up high and one hand down low. And I’m trying to show that there’s a big gap between the two. Right. And so as the estrogen levels drop, and the testosterone levels drop, you start to come closer to the middle. Right?

Kevin Anthony 11:25
So you start getting into that place of, you’re both sorts of in the same place like so when we talk about this in terms of polarity, we would say that the polarity weakens, right? Because rather than having estrogen as one pole and testosterone as the other pole, now we’re coming towards the middle, where there’s no actual polarity between the two. And so what types of behaviors do you start seeing that?

Céline Remy 11:55
Well, she might one fuck, she might want to be more masculine driven in a sense of goal-oriented, I want my orgasms

Kevin Anthony 12:07
more career or career-oriented,

Céline Remy 12:10
or more independent, wanting to do her own thing? Offer here. He’s more like, Let’s be together, let’s cultivate our eye connection, you know? And how about we snuggle up, you know,

Kevin Anthony 12:26
the real irony of that is that is, so what she thought she wanted, you know, 1020 years ago. And now when she’s finally getting it, she doesn’t even really want it anymore.

Céline Remy 12:36
Don’t want it just move on, you know, like you had your chance you had 20 years to do this. But see, that’s the thing. I think that if you start to understand that, that there’s nothing wrong with you, or your partner, it’s just a normal process, which in a sense is awesome because then you get a chance to experience a little bit of both sides, what it feels like to be more estrogen-driven, more in that caring, nurturing what it feels like to be more testosterone-driven.

Céline Remy 13:03
So be more goal-oriented and focus there. And that helps you to have more compassion, hope, and understanding for your partner.

Kevin Anthony 13:14
You know, if the average guy is anything like the men who are in the fitness groups online that I’m a part of, as soon as they start realizing this stuff is happening, they can’t get to the doctor fast enough for testosterone replacement therapy. They’re like, No fucking way, pump me up with as much of that shit as you can. We will talk more about what you can do about this later. You know, we’ve got a few more things to cover before we get there.

Kevin Anthony 13:43
But yeah, it’s just kind of funny that you know, you were sort of mentioning, hey, you know, this is great because you finally get to feel what it’s like to be on the other side. And honestly, most men are like, Oh, hell, no, I want to be back when I was four. But, you know, here’s the thing. And here’s, here’s what I think is beautiful about the aging process, at least as a man anyway, is that you do have an opportunity here, to have the best of both worlds, if you choose to take that opportunity.

Kevin Anthony 14:18
Because the reality is, even if she is feeling a bit more masculine, and she is wanting to fuck more, she does, she is still going to want to cuddle, she is still going to want some connection, at least. So you really have an opportunity to be able to give that to her in a way that you couldn’t have. Or at least you would have had to try really hard to do it in the past. Whereas now it comes easy to you.

Kevin Anthony 14:44
And so she’s going to notice that but it doesn’t mean that you can’t still have the polarity and you can’t still have the drive that you had when you were younger. And like I said, we’ll talk about what you can do about it because Just simply, you know, getting pumped up with a bunch of testosterone is not the only solution here. There are some other things that you can do.

Céline Remy 15:12
Let’s talk about, okay, let’s say that you’re trying to be spontaneous. And then she says no because one of the things that I wanted to address is this kind of place that a lot of men find themselves stuck in, where they’re like, Well, I want something, but she says no, so I don’t get it. And I have to be honest, that we are often the gatekeeper as women of intimacy.

Céline Remy 15:40
And that it is true that consent is essential, and that we are the ones that make it or don’t make it happen. However, that also comes to a point where sometimes we need things to shift a little bit. And so when she is saying no, always to being spontaneous, there’s something deeper running there. So again, we’re looking at it from the perspective that you are already past 35. Now, why is this important?

Céline Remy 16:16
What’s important is that by the age of 35, we are basically driven by our subconscious mind, which means that about 90% of who we are, are automated behaviors and actions. And then 10% is conscious. And in some people say 10, some people say five, so 90 to 95%, of who you are, is on automated automation.

Kevin Anthony 16:40
Look around at most of the people I see. I’m gonna say it was more like 99 Zombies walking around.

Céline Remy 16:47
Yeah, but how does that affect sex life? Why is it so important to understand that it’s because if she is afraid of losing control or letting go, the first answer is always going to be a no? And it’s a way to protect herself. Now if she’s done this a lot of time she doesn’t even think about that anymore. And the automated answer and response is always going to be a no

Kevin Anthony 17:17
yeah, now one is really tough and really frustrating for the men because you know, we can come up with a lot of strategies for doing this, do that do this do that. But if she’s on autopilot and just saying no, it doesn’t matter the strategies and so this is one of those places where I have to say look, you know, you can lead a horse to water you can’t make a drink right?

Kevin Anthony 17:39
Like there’s only so much you can do on your end of her default responses No, then the only thing that’s really going to change that is she needs to decide that’s no longer going to be her default response.

Céline Remy 17:50
And that’s one of the games that I like to play where sometimes we give it to our clients to the yes game where basically you have some evenings that you pick or afternoons whatever you know time date time where you cannot answer with a no the questions you have to say yes.

Céline Remy 18:09
However, you know, like let’s say like given us for something that I don’t really want well then I could reframe it to be like Ah, here’s what I’m a yes do I’m a yes to holding my hands you know like something like this it’s starting to really learn to not always meet every request with a no but to become creative because there is always something that we can be a yes to.

Céline Remy 18:36
A no closes the door right away and you don’t go any further. Uh yes, even a small Yes, like a hand holding will allow you to create some connection which furthermore could turn into something bigger, ya know. And so again, not having any agenda is very important. But having that understanding I think can go a long way.

Céline Remy 19:00
Now it’s important to not take the knowing personally and not make it just all about you. And I also think that I need to address the big elephant in the room here. And I’m taking the subject Kevin already said you have to be the one talking about this because a guy can’t say that

Kevin Anthony 19:19
speak for the women Speaker

Céline Remy 19:24
I want to talk about the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome that I see so many men stuck in so you are in this relationship she has the power she has control over when intimacy happens when it doesn’t happen. There comes a time where yes, you have to honor your wife or your girlfriend or your partner and you know have again that concept.

Céline Remy 19:46
However, there comes a time when she needs you to step it up. There’s no more of that Mr. Nice Guy. The problem with this what happens is when you are always agreeing to everything she says there’s a problem An issue underneath that is about you. Most of the time, what I see is that you are not able to voice your needs, you are not able to stay and have boundaries, and you often have an agenda.

Céline Remy 20:15
You’re not always direct or clear with what you want, you might be passive-aggressive. And then you’re not always being honest in that sense. Because if you’re not honest with what you want, who you are, and what your needs are, you know, I mean, she can feel that as well. So stepping out of that, sometimes you just gotta grab the woman and fuck her silly. I’m sorry, I had to be sued.

Kevin Anthony 20:38
Yes, it had to be said, and it needs to be done. Properly. here’s the tricky part, though, is that when men’s testosterone levels drop, it’s harder for them to step into that. It’s harder for them to get into that mind frame of, you know what? No, I’m not going to just, you know, cower in the corner, because her default response was no, I’m going to step up and really ask for what I want.

Kevin Anthony 21:08
And if she’s a no, then we need to have a serious discussion about how we’re going to fix this, right? Like, just stepping up and figuring out like, we need to do something about this. Not the easiest thing to do for a lot of men when they reach this age. And then you know, if you want to complicate this, the situation is even more than just looking at our current society and what it’s telling men, right? It’s telling them, don’t be that guy,

Céline Remy 21:34
ask for permission for every single day, right? And

Kevin Anthony 21:37
just, you know, it’s basically telling you that you don’t have any power. So now you got all these guys who are already experiencing drops in testosterone levels, and then they’ve got all this pressure from society. And then they ended up being quivering puddles of mush in the corner who never get their needs met because they’re too afraid to actually ask for what they want.

Céline Remy 22:04
I think that would be a great segue into how do you deal then with a strong woman, sometimes I can be controlling? Because one of the ideas, you’re like, Well, if we want polarity, and she’s strong, and she’s taking the first say, masculine or alpha role, well, I just have to become the other side, maybe the Omega or the feminine, and then everything will be alright,

Kevin Anthony 22:26
wrong. But believe it or not, this is the approach that we see a lot of men choose. They just say well, okay, we’re just basically going to end up in reverse polarity. Which, by the way, I mean, we, we’ve done two episodes on polarity and it comes up, you know, came up when we interviewed John Gray because you can’t avoid that topic. When you’re talking about men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, like, it comes up a lot.

Kevin Anthony 22:53
And so we’ve done some episodes on it, but you know, there’s really, in my, in my opinion, nothing worse than reverse polarity relationships. And I tell you, we know a lot of people in reverse polarity. And the funniest thing about it is that almost every one of them thinks that they’re in normal polarity.

Kevin Anthony 23:18
Even though it is so obvious, like really, like written on a giant billboard with flashing lights and blaring sirens obvious that they’re totally in reverse polarity. It can work and we’ve mentioned that before it can work but honestly I think it goes against the nature of who we really are if we’re really honest.

Céline Remy 23:42
So what’s the key then Kevin for a man that’s dealing with a strong controlling woman do you pussy up to balance it out? Or do you do something else?

Kevin Anthony 23:53
No, you got to out masculine her you got to step it up and you got to be more masculine. You know, we were talking with a friend over the weekend. She was telling us about her dating exploits.

Kevin Anthony 24:04
And you know one of the things she said was there was this guy that she was talking to she was interested in and she was like, you know, he said kind of the weirdest thing and it will okay what is it so should well I can totally be in my masculine when I’m at work like I’m totally in my masculine but then like, you know when you come home, I know that you’re going to be really tired and so like, you know, I’ll run you a bath and a light your candles and I’ll do all this stuff.

Kevin Anthony 24:29
It’s Celine and I looked at her and we’re like, no, he’s a no, he’s an absolute no, because this woman you know, she’s a CEO. She runs a very successful company like a seven-figure company. And she’s got a whole staff that she’s directing all day long. So what’s gonna happen in this situation? She’s gonna come home after being the boss babe all day long.

Kevin Anthony 24:57
And rather than him being his man masculine, which will allow her then to soften, and let go of being in a masculine mode that she’s been in all day long, and then get back into her feminine. Now he’s gonna sink right into the feminine supportive role of rubbing your feet and making you a bath and all that. And you know, some women go, Oh, that would be great, I would love to have a man, you know, run a bath and rub my feet.

Kevin Anthony 25:22
Yeah, you would, you would a servant is what you want. And you don’t want to fuck that guy, you want to fuck another guy. So you come home and you’re masculine. And he brings you a bath and rubs your feet, and you’re really grateful, you’re like, that was great. And secretly, you’re thinking about, you know, the guy, plumber, the plumber, or whoever. And then and that’s the guy you want to fog.

Céline Remy 25:45
And so, you know, again, we are talking about some generalities. And it comes down to communication to your unique relationship to finding what works, it’s never about pressuring yourself into like, or your partner into something they don’t want. But you have to understand that everybody has to make at least a little bit of an effort and meet each other halfway.

Céline Remy 26:09
So before we give you more of what you can do about this, we have a special invitation for you guys, if you are a committed couple, and you’re struggling with your sexuality, or just going through things like on autopilot, and you, you want to have this kind of passionate lovemaking and energizing relationship that we talked about, and you don’t want to live a life of average anymore, then Kevin and I have created an absolutely transformative mind-blowing program for you.

Céline Remy 26:44
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Kevin Anthony 27:07
And that works for people of any age. But if you are in the little bit slightly, just a little bit older category that we’ve been speaking about in this show, we’re gonna be working on a lot of this kind of stuff with you, because it’s almost for sure out of balance. Okay. So then that begs the question, of course, what can you do about it?

Kevin Anthony 27:30
So we do have some things here, we always like to leave you with some solutions, of course, what can you do about okay, the very first thing just to get it out of the way is go-to a doctor that understands hormones, caveat understands, I got the air quotes up here understands hormones because most of them do not understand hormones and how they actually work. There’s far more to it than what we have talked about today.

Kevin Anthony 27:57
So go to a doctor like that, have your hormones checked, and see where you are at. The thing that is shocking to me is that most people have literally no real understanding of how much their default behavior is actually being caused by hormones. So much of what would you know, the reactions they have and how they show up in the world, and how they react to certain situations. They think it’s all them. It’s all their personality. It’s all you know. Yeah, until all of a sudden their hormones change, and they become a different person.

Céline Remy 28:33
Like, oh, I guess it wasn’t all me. But oh, you know,

Kevin Anthony 28:36
here’s the crazy thing is that you know, you’ve heard this a million times for men, right? Like when a woman is on her period. She’s experiencing her cycle. And she’s having these mood shifts. You’ll hear guys say all the time. She’s just hormonal. Oh, it’s just because she’s on her period. Oh, she’s just crazy right now.

Kevin Anthony 28:58
Because she’s, they will understand and admit that hormones can radically shift your behavior in that context. But outside of that context, they have there’s no clue. There’s no association that Oh, outside of the fact that a woman’s hormones change during her cycle. Hormones are going to be changing throughout your life based on all kinds of different things, your stress levels, how old you are medications that you’re taking.

Kevin Anthony 29:29
I mean, there’s a whole range of things that can affect your hormones, that will change how you show up in your relationship. And you might be completely in fact, most people are completely aware that that’s what’s happening. So step one, have your hormone levels checked because at least then you’ll know is a factor here? Is that something that’s contributing?

Kevin Anthony 29:51
Do I feel the way I feel right now because my testosterone is cratered, or my estrogen is created right? Or maybe gone too high. Maybe it’s The reverse, right? Like, you just need to know where you’re at. So you can go, Okay, now I have some understanding. And now I have a few more options available to me. So one potential option

Céline Remy 30:13
is to start to talk about how things are changing for both of you. Okay, so

Kevin Anthony 30:18
that’s always an option.

Céline Remy 30:21
Okay, so you’re saying about like potential options, like using progesterone creams or or

Kevin Anthony 30:27
bioidentical hormone replacement therapy, like, you know, these, like, if you don’t have the levels checked in, you’re completely unaware that hormones are what’s causing what’s happening, then you don’t even know that these potential solutions are on the table.

Kevin Anthony 30:42
And, you know, I have to say, in the early days of our work, like, basically, when we’re working with couples on this, and we’ll talk about this a little bit more in the solutions, too, but you basically have two things you have, you’re getting people to change their habits. And then you have to correct the physical imbalances in their body. And we for many, many years, we’re really focusing just on changing people’s habits, right?

Kevin Anthony 31:06
How they show up in a relationship. And that’s great. And that’s extremely powerful. But when you take that and you put it together with fixing the physical imbalances, it becomes even more powerful. And so, as our work has evolved over the years, and we’ve become more aware of that, we can now add that in as a piece, and we can say to people, okay, go see your doctor, get this checked out, let’s get that piece corrected first, then we can also work on changing your habits and how you show up, right?

Kevin Anthony 31:36
So, so that if you’re, if you’re not having that checked in, that’s simply not an option for you. Because you don’t even know that there’s something out of whack. So that brings us to our second thing that you mentioned just a moment

Céline Remy 31:47
and start to talk about how things are changing for both of you, you know, just talk, you don’t have to have to fix it to change it. But initiate a conversation. And then also have understanding, you know, sometimes that’s all you need, you can be both like, Hey, I’m frustrated with this. So this is what’s going on for me. I’m like, Okay, now I get it, then that’s, that’s all that’s needed. Or you can step into step three, well,

Kevin Anthony 32:15
can we not skip over step

Céline Remy 32:18
more to say,

Kevin Anthony 32:20
don’t I always? Well, you know, I just kind of wanted to point out, like, talk about how things are changing for both of you, right? Because the thing is, is these changes, most of the time is slow and subtle. And they happen over a long period of time, which means they’re hard to see that they’ve happened. And so what happens is, you’re over there as a guy going, I don’t get it.

Kevin Anthony 32:42
She used to want to make passionate love for hours when we were younger and seems that these days, all she wants is just wham bam, thank you, man. And I’m not satisfied, you know, or could be the other way around where she’s like, you know, he used to just want to do me all the time. And now he’s like, he’s not initiating, he’s not showing up for me. He’s not giving me what I want, he won’t pound me, you know, like that kind of stuff.

Kevin Anthony 33:04
And, and just having that conversation about, hey, here’s where I’m at in life, here’s like, here’s what I’m needing, here’s what I’m feeling, right? Because he might be over there not feeling that raging testosterone and feeling the pressure from society not to be that guy. And completely missing that that’s what she actually wants. And if you had that conversation, now, suddenly, you as a guy have permission to be that guy.

Kevin Anthony 33:33
So you know, just talking about where you’re out. And it’s perfectly okay to talk about where you’re at because nobody stays the same forever. Yeah, few people do. But that’s usually not a good thing. Right? You’re going to be changing as you go through life. I mean, you’re not the same person in your 30s, as you were in your 20s, hopefully not, I really hope you’re not. And you’re not the same person in your 40s as in your 30s. Right, or 50s.

Kevin Anthony 34:01
As you are, you’re constantly changing. Hopefully, you’re evolving and moving forward. But sometimes people regress backward a little bit to the point that you’re just never in the same place. And if you’re going to be in a long-term, committed relationship with somebody, you really need to talk about where you’re at now, at this moment, because you can assume they’re in the same place they were last year, five years ago, 10 years ago, 30 years ago, when you first got married.

Céline Remy 34:27
Number three, create strategies that allow your changing needs to be met. And the strategies are fun strategies are, it’s not like I’m imposing my will on you. It’s like how do we create a win-win, win for everybody, for you, for me, and for our relationship? And you get to be creative. You get to design exactly what works for you. You know, if somebody wants more touch, be like, Okay, maybe we do a two hours window of just touching here. Somebody wants Like, spontaneity or something like, okay, then twice a month, you can be spontaneous, you know, like, I don’t know, like,

Kevin Anthony 35:08
yeah, strategies are gonna depend on your unique situation. But I mean, just kind of simply it’s like, you know, figure out a way that you can both have your needs met. So if one has a need for more colleagues say, Okay, so let’s start 20 minutes early.

Kevin Anthony 35:25
And we can start with, you know, some for playing cuddling, and then we can go into the pet like, you just have to agree that you know, you’re a team here, you’re working together for your mutual enjoyment and satisfaction, and how can we make that happen? What does that require? Does that require some scene-setting does that require may be giving or receiving in a way that you hadn’t thought of, or maybe it’s not necessarily your thing, but you’re willing to do that because this is a give and take, this is an exchange, right?

Céline Remy 35:58
Now you want to remember, we say that all the time. Step number four, don’t wait to be inspired. Make it happen?

Kevin Anthony 36:05
Oh, yeah, this one is huge. Especially if hormones are at play here. And you’re not necessarily feeling it raging through your body? Like, you know, I don’t know. I don’t know if if women in you can answer this. I don’t know if you can truly fully appreciate what it’s like to have testosterone raging through your body.

Kevin Anthony 36:29
Because, you know, like, because your estrogen dominant. Estrogen doesn’t make you just want to fuck everything. Like I mean, just like, like, the gift to hold yourself back, restrain yourself, chain yourself down, you know, like a, like a mad dog or something like, but honestly, that’s what testosterone does to you, you know?

Kevin Anthony 36:53
And so it’s just when that’s not there anymore because it fades, it does. It just does. You can’t sit there and wait to feel that again. And that’s kind of the point. Like, you can’t sit there and go, Well, I used to feel that way. And I don’t I guess I’m just not really into it anymore. It’s like, No, you’re just not driven by your hormones anymore. But you can create that, that is, you know, mentally, and then bring the physical into it.

Céline Remy 37:25
That is so good. I want to leave you with the last piece because I think that one is essential, but says should never be used as a power play. When either one of the spouses uses sex to try to control the other person’s behavior or to exert power over the other, it’s actually abusive. So please, please, please understand that if that’s you, and you’re in a relationship like that, you don’t have to stay. You don’t have to take it.

Céline Remy 37:57
You can take steps to change things. You can initiate dialogue, you can hire people to help you. Or you can just say thank you. But that’s not what I want. But don’t just accept it. Because this is something deeper going on between the abuser and the victim dynamic that goes on. And you don’t want to be constantly like, self-inflicting yourself with pain.

Céline Remy 38:23
Yeah, no. So it had to be at least brought up. Just because some people say Relationships are hard or hard work. That’s not our experience. Life can be a hard challenge. But again, as Kevin said, if you see it as we are a team, and we working together, and we both doing our best, that’s what matters.

Kevin Anthony 38:47
Yeah. And, you know, I’ll just leave you with this, which is that all of the things that we talk about on this show, whether it’s a constant state of arousal, whether it’s creating intimacy before, during, or after, whether it’s, you know, sex skills, like how to be better, just in bed in general. All of these things are always important, but they’re even more important when you’re in this type of situation. So, you know, what can you do about it?

Kevin Anthony 39:17
Literally, everything we teach, everything we’ve taught, go through the hundreds of videos on our YouTube channel, the hundreds of episodes in our podcast, the hundreds of articles on our website, like, all of those things. Yeah, you don’t have to wait to do them until you’re in this situation. In fact, you shouldn’t wait until you’re in this situation.

Kevin Anthony 39:36
But, you know, the sort of quick and dirty answer to what can you do about this situation is all of that stuff, all of it? All of that stuff is how you get past this. Get past being dominated by your hormones, and learn how to take control of your own body, your own mind, and your relationship

Céline Remy 39:59
and go beyond the physical urges of sex, that’s just as a means to an end, that sexuality can help you cultivate more energy in your body more closeness can feed you, body, mind, heart, soul, and all of that and finds that other place of sexuality that spirituality, that deeper place in it because that’s sustainable.

Kevin Anthony 40:25
Mm-hmm. All right. Well, we hope that was helpful that really came from our own clients and our own listeners and viewers who reach out to us all the time and express their challenges in this particular area. And so we hope that that was helpful. And that’s all we’ve got for you on this one, but we will see you next week.

Kevin Anthony 40:53
We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 41:01
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 41:15

Thanks for listening. And remember, you’re amazing