Is It Okay To Masturbate When You Are In A Relationship?

Kevin Anthony 0:12
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. Because, well, sex matters. We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy.

Kevin Anthony 0:29
And so it begins Welcome, welcome. Welcome to our show, we are so excited to bring this podcast to you and to share so much amazing and juicy information.

Céline Remy 0:42
Wooh!. So we are a husband and wife team, and we teach real sex for real people. Everything we share is tried and tested in our lab. So our relationship and our bedroom. And that’s really where the name came from, you know, from our own R&D. And this is it the love lab, our mission is to create a worldwide movement of true sexual empowerment. Sex in America is in decline, Americans are having less sex, and it’s less good sex. And we are here to fix this.

Kevin Anthony 1:14
Yes. So to help do that, every week, we are going to be delivering a fresh podcast to help you upgrade your sex life. And we’ve got a really fun one, we’re going to start today, we’re not pulling any punches. But before we do that, we want to tell you a little bit about who we are, and why you should listen to this podcast.

Céline Remy 1:34
We’re going to give you the two minutes version. So my name is Celine Remy. And I’m a holistic success allergist and certified sex illogical bodyworker. I know it’s a mouthful, and it’s the greatest job in the world, and dedicated the past 15 years and over 10,000 hours to studying, teaching and exploring sexuality and relationships. And you know, from traveling the world to study with renowned masters to my private practice. Basically, pleasure is my business and I’m loving it.

Kevin Anthony 2:06
Well, how do you follow that intro? Well, my name is Kevin Anthony, and I am a Tantra counselor. I’m an NLP practitioner, I do men’s coaching. I’ve worked as a personal trainer and a martial arts instructor. What I try to do is I try to bring all of those different and unique tools and skillsets into coaching men, and coaching men, in this case, specifically around their sexuality in their relationships.

So together, we really make an amazing team because we bring both perspectives, the male perspective, and the female perspective. And whether you’re a man or woman, you get to hear both sides.

Kevin Anthony 2:46
And you’re going to get a lot of that in this podcast, you’re going to get both sides like what do I think about it? What does she think about it? Maybe they’re the same, maybe they’re not. So it’s going to be really, really fun. Let’s introduce today’s topic now that no little bit about who we are. As I said, we’re not going to pull any punches. We want to start this podcast like going strong. So our topic today is, is it okay to masturbate when you are in a relationship?

Céline Remy 3:15
The short answer, yes. Okay, we’re gonna give you a little bit more than just that. But yes, it’s okay to masturbate when you are in a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 3:29
So you know, this, this is a topic Actually, that’s come up in our personal lives, we’ve had several conversations, just with friends around this topic recently. And what’s interesting about it is that I think this idea that it’s not okay to masturbate, in front of your partner comes from this notion that your partner should be meeting all of your needs. So your partner is the one that’s always there ready to, you know, satisfy you in any way, shape, or form.

Kevin Anthony 4:01
And you know, that’s a big topic that will probably do a whole show on about whether or not your partner can meet all your needs. But when it comes specifically to masturbation, I mean, is your partner always in the mood? Is your partner always even physically available? Like, could they be there to satisfy you every moment that you need or desire something? I mean, what would you say something well,

Céline Remy 4:23
also, that because you are masturbating doesn’t mean that you’re not enjoying the sex you’re having with your partner, it doesn’t mean that you’re not satisfied. Often we have the idea that, Oh, I’m using masturbation, it’s less good than sex with a partner. And therefore there’s like, Oh, well, it’s the second chores, or I’m only doing it because I’m not getting my needs met. But what if we were to reframe this and fight about it as I’m having a great sex life, I’m enjoying my time with my partner, and I love my time with myself. Masturbation is fun for me, masturbation is fulfilling.

Kevin Anthony 4:58
Absolutely, absolutely. So to get back to that sort of false notion that I introduced, it’s not really possible for anybody to satisfy all of your needs, except for yourself. And so this idea that my partner needs to always be there, whenever I’m in the mood whenever I’m feeling horny. Just it’s not realistic. And it’s actually a lot of pressure to put on your partner.

Kevin Anthony 5:25
Because, I mean, imagine now, it depends on the relationship, right? So in some relationships, the woman has a higher sex drive than the man in some relationships, the man has a higher sex drive than the woman.

Céline Remy 5:36
Yes. And I want to jump in right there, Kevin, because there’s such a misconception. I hear that all the time. Like, oh, but men have a higher sex drive. And I don’t want to say it’s bullshit. It’s not gender-specific sex drive is connected to your passion in life, to your energy to your health. And wherever you are, man, a woman you can have a high sex drive. So I want to drop this message. Women somehow don’t want sex as much as men? Because? I sure do.

Kevin Anthony 6:06
And I sure do appreciate that. You know, one of the things that I love about talking about any sex-related topic is that almost everything we talk about can go down like this giant rabbit hole. And like, there’s so much to share, right? One further note on the point that you just brought up is that we do have this in society stereotypical idea that the men always have a higher sex drive than the women. And women, of course, laugh at this because they all know it’s not true. So guys, if you’re listening, and like you think, Wow, this really is true. It’s not and the women have known it for a long time. And they’ve been laughing at us every time we say.

Kevin Anthony 6:47
When women get together in groups, this is what they talk about all the time. They are just as hoarding as we are, they want sex just as much, they just wanted usually little differently, they want some love, and they want some engagement, some connection. And so they may not act upon it as frequently if they don’t have the other parameters, but they definitely want sex just as much. So I just wanted to say that because men and women both want sex as much.

Kevin Anthony 7:17
Regardless of the dynamic, whether it’s the woman wants it more, the man wants it more, there may be times where one person is like, wow, you know, like, I’m really sexually charged up right now, I have tons of energy, I want to move it and my partner’s exhausted the run a business, they’re still business trip, they’re still working, whatever it is, they just may not be ready or able to really do that for you. And so it’s perfectly fine to say, you know what, I’m just going to go I’m going to do some meantime, I’m going to go upstairs. And I’m just going to pleasure myself and have fun with it.

Céline Remy 7:55
You know, some of the benefits to about masturbation are it’s an access that self love. Often, you know, when you have a lower sex drive, it’s because you’re really stressed you have so many things that are needing you, whether it’s kids lives, jobs, anything, it’s always asking for our attention for energy. And that time for yourself that you give to yourself wherever it’s a hot bubble bath to or a sexy time with yourself. Masturbation time helps you get back to that place of filling your cup and showing up better in your relationship. So really, that act of masturbation can really be seen as an act of self-love.

Céline Remy 8:34
So if we take that, and that reframing again and see it that when I am taking the time, I can be loving my partner, I can be in a relationship with my partner, but I’m also in a relationship with myself. Because that’s the one relationship that is always going to be it’s the one that you have with yourself, then you need to invest in it. You need to give time to yourself, and you need to love yourself, in whatever ways feels good. Another aspect of masturbation that I love is what I call the discovery time so many people feel so stuck in asking for what they want in knowing what they want.

Céline Remy 9:13
So many women I talked to they’re like, I don’t know, I just expect my man to know what I want before I even know what I want, which is totally crazy. But we’ll talk about that again in another show. And so the idea that you can use the masturbation to discover what you like. So what are you like is and then bring that into the relationship so that it strengthens the bond that you have with your partner so that it increases the quality of the experience that you’re sharing with your beloved, when you are making love, then masturbation is not a bad thing anymore. masturbation is kind of like a much-needed practice to upgrade your sex life.

Kevin Anthony 9:51
Absolutely. And so we haven’t introduced it yet, because this is our first episode. But, you know, Selena and I have been doing a lot of work around sexuality. We’ve created a bunch of courses, online courses, and coaching courses and things like that all around sexuality, one of which is helping men with premature ejaculation. And the reason why I bring this up right now is that masturbation can also be used as a training tool. Hmm. Right.

Kevin Anthony 10:20
So you’re doing it with intention. You can actually use it as a training tool to train yourself to be able to perform better in bed. And so, you know, whether it’s discovery time, whether it’s just nurturing me-time, or it’s self-discovery, time learning what you like, what you don’t like, or it’s training time, masturbation can be all of these things. All of those are healthy uses of masturbation.

Céline Remy 10:46
So really what you’re saying here, Kevin, is it’s all like the intention behind what you’re doing. It’s not so much what you doing. It’s how you are doing it and what’s the intention? And that creates a difference in the results.

Kevin Anthony 11:00
Absolutely, absolutely. And when you’re coming from the right intention, when you do this, it’s not going to feel weird when you do it, it’s not going to feel pervy when you do it like your partner is not going to feel weird, icky energy like you’re not standing in the corner you know, watching your partner make dinner while you’re like masturbating like you do not avoid or perv in the corner or anything like that. You’re actually doing something healthy for yourself and for your relationship and using this masturbation as a way to actually improve yourself and your relationship.

Céline Remy 11:37
So that kind of led us to one of the points that we had, which actually did you do it in front of your partner or hide? So now we clear masturbation is a good thing. masturbation is an act of self-love. masturbation is a tool you can use to be a better lover for yourself for your partner and everything. But how do you do it? Do you like to hide it? Do you close the door, do you lock it? Or do you tell your partner you’re doing it? Or do you just like, wait until they leave their house? Do you tell them you did it? Like how? Do you know what’s the right thing to do there?

Kevin Anthony 12:14
I’m sure somebody has done a study on this. I don’t have the data in front of me at the moment. But I would be willing to bet at least from the man’s perspective, that most men when they’re in a relationship hide when they masturbate. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Céline Remy 12:30
When I’m thinking about what do I do, often, okay, if you’re not home, I will masturbate if that’s a day like this. And I was like, Well, I’m by myself. But I don’t specifically wait until you’re not home. And then I tell you about it because I think it’s a massive turn on. So I kind of like the sharing and be like, Hey, this is what I just did. Or sometimes I do when you’re doing something downstairs, or you could be in the music room playing guitar. And that’s not where I’m at. And I’m like, I’m gonna do something for myself.

Céline Remy 13:02
Sometimes I really make it an experience where I use it, to get you more in the moods, and be like, Okay, I’m going to let you know that I’m masturbating with the door open. And it’s kind of an invitation whenever you want to join and be part of or look at it. And sometimes I make it acquired experience because I really want that time for myself, I really want to be able to just not be accountable for anyone that just like, give to myself exactly what I want. So that’s kind of how I use it.

Kevin Anthony 13:40
It’s, it’s actually quite fun and quite a tea sometimes, too, because I’ll still be working. I haven’t finished my workday yet. She might be done with what she’s doing. And she’ll be like, I’m just gonna go upstairs and masturbate now. I’ve got 10 more emails to take care of and whatever else I’m working on. And I’m like, Oh, man. Sometimes, of course, I might decide that those things can wait. And sometimes they can’t wait.

Kevin Anthony 14:13
From a guy’s perspective, I really love the fact that she just tells me like, Hey, here’s where I’m at. Here’s what I’m in the mood to do. I’m just going to go give myself some me time. And, and I love it. I think it’s a huge turn on. And sometimes it makes it hard for me to concentrate on whatever work I’m still trying to finish. But I think it’s great.

Céline Remy 14:38
I’m personally being really turned on. When I watch you masturbate. I think it’s really hot. And I feel disappointed when I’m not invited in your masturbation enough fun time. And sometimes I even remember reading a request of like filming if I’m not around, so I get to enjoy it later.

Kevin Anthony 14:58
So what you’re doing things we want to do throughout this podcast is, you know, we’ve called this the love lab, right? We call it the love lab because we experiment with all of this stuff in our own relationship. And so I want to bring the stories of those experiments into the podcast. Because it’s real. It’s just really, and it’s who we are, right? So the other day, Celine had time with her girlfriend’s plan. And so I was going to have the morning to myself. And we work together, we live together. So we don’t often get a lot of time to ourselves.

Kevin Anthony 15:33
And I had all these things planned, I probably had half a day’s worth of stuff planned. Just for one morning, I was a little overly ambitious. But I decided that I was going to masturbate that day. And it wasn’t something that was originally on the plan. So I didn’t tell her like, hey, well, you’re gonna guess what I’m gonna do? It just in the moment, I was like, you know, I got the morning to myself. And I think I’m going to masturbate. So I did. And then I think was the next day we were talking about or maybe was later that day. And I mentioned it to her that I hadn’t masturbated. She’s like, what, without me, you didn’t tell me about it. You should have filmed it?

Céline Remy 16:14
Well, definitely, I mean, if you know your partner likes it, it could be used like that. The other thing too is that I think masturbation can really be used as a way to demonstrate what you like and show the other one that you want to be touched. And, you know, sometimes we do that in a new relationship because we don’t really know each other. And it’s, you know, we think of that. But when we are in an established relationship, we tend to forget to do the things we used to do at the beginning.

Céline Remy 16:41
And you know, we’ve people change you can have, you might have been in a relationship for two months, two years, 20 years, anything in between. and you’re not the same person that you were when you started dating when you started at the beginning of your marriage. And I think that is a great opportunity that you can have to do a little like readjustment and like fine-tuning. Like, let me show you what is working right now. Because it doesn’t matter how well you’re touching me, that might be something new, there might be a new erogenous zone that I just discovered, or, or something else that I want to do now, because maybe what, what 10 years ago is not as exciting anymore. So that’s another way to really use masturbation to increase the connection.

Kevin Anthony 17:28
You know, it’s interesting, because, in Celine’s private practice, she works with a lot of couples. And to me, it’s strange, and it’s weird that so many of these couples come in, and they don’t actually know how each other likes to be touched. One of the big things that she works on until then you can speak more to that is, is helping these couples learn what each other likes.

Sometimes these couples have been married for years, like yours, and you’re like, you don’t even know how she likes to be touched. Like what have you been doing for the last 10 years? So yeah, masturbation can be used as a great way to show your partner, hey, this is the way I like to be touched. This is what I prefer.

Céline Remy 18:16
Something that I find interesting, we were actually having a discussion yesterday, we’re friends because you know, wherever we go, we bring our, our passion with us. Pretty much everything we love to talk about is sex. So we’re preparing for this show. And something that he shared with us was that he wasn’t considering masturbation with his partner as well, masturbation, he was considering it as play or foreplay, and that real masturbation is only done along. Sometimes he had a preference for doing it too long because he could do more kinky stuff.

Céline Remy 18:50
I thought it was an interesting idea because I’m a big fan of openness, transparency, integrity in real life. I really think that it’s really important to be able to create a container where you get to be exactly who you are. And so if the only time you get to really explore your kinks, and the things you really love, because we have different turn-ons, different things that that will really excite us and things that we don’t like, but if the only time you get to really be 100% into the things that turn you on is when you are by yourself, you’re kind of missing out on something really good and juicy.

Kevin Anthony 19:28
You know, what I thought was so strange about that conversation? Was his words literally were Yeah, but when you masturbate by yourself, then you can do all kinds of kinky stuff. And I’m thinking to myself in that moment, okay, if you want to do all kinds of kinky stuff, that means that you enjoy all kinds of kinky stuff, right? That makes sense. Like, if I’m my group, I’m going to masturbate and I can do kinky stuff. That means you’d like doing kinky stuff.

Kevin Anthony 19:51
So if you like doing kinky stuff, wouldn’t you like to do kinky stuff with your partner, like, if you put all that stuff as a side when you’re with your partner, then are you really truly having the sex that you could be having with your partner. So to me, it sounded weird that you would hold back and only do certain things when you’re with yourself. Because then that means when you come together with your partner, you’re probably not having the sex that you really want to be having

Céline Remy 20:18
on the level of intimacy, like, you know, when you get to be 100%, yourself, free new sexual expression, you get to explore a new level of pleasure, depth, orgasm, that you can’t if you withhold something, whether it’s withholding, or like or dislike or something like that. So I believe that in order to have the most mind-blowing out of this world, multidimensional sex that you can have, you need to be able to be 100% fully express and authentic in your sexual expression.

Kevin Anthony 20:49
That is a big topic, we will do a whole show at some point on that being truly authentic because it is so so important to have good sex.

Céline Remy 21:00
So kind of a little bit of a wrapping up or a recap of everything that we talked here. So if you’re like, Okay, that sounds good, thanks, guys. I like the idea that masturbating could be actually I’d like to say don’t change it, but celebrated, like, how do I go from there, if you’re in a place where you are not openly having a discussion, if you always hiding and like, you know, one of the things that I would suggest is to listen to this podcast with your significant other and discuss it have a discussion, it all starts with communication.

Céline Remy 21:37
Talk about it, because if you can start to talk about it and visualize it, then things can start to really happen in real life. And, you know, like play, it’s like, okay, like, have it something that to do side by side, if that’s too edgy, have something that you do on your own, and then report to one another, until you build up to like showing this. I know, it takes courage to masturbate in front of somebody else, it’s actually pretty vulnerable, to be willing to be seen in your pleasure.

Sometimes we could be self-conscious, my God, I’m making sounds of weird faces, or what is that person going to think if I like to touch myself a certain way or, or picture certain body part or insert a finger in certain parts, like, really, that could be a lot of like, like shame or around that. So it’s a lot of courage, it takes it you need to be brave to do that.

Kevin Anthony 22:28
You know, it’s interesting, I’ve never had a problem in my entire life with actually masturbating. But until you and I are together, I always felt a little uncomfortable doing it in front of my partner. And when that really shifted, when that really changed, was because you had such the just the perfect attitude towards it. There was no shame at all. And you would actually request it, you know, and so you pulled it out of the shadows and said, No, let’s just like this is crazy.

Kevin Anthony 23:04
This is awesome. It turns me on, shares it with me, please. I want to know I want to see I want to learn like and that’s what really finally made me feel comfortable with that. And you know it as I said, I never had any problem with masturbating. And I would It’s not like I withheld that I even did it from my part. I would tell them yeah, I masturbated today or whatever. But actually physically doing it in front of them was a different story. Until Celine was able to really just take all the shame away.

Céline Remy 23:35
Yeah. So select, go for it, share it. You know babies masturbate in their mother’s belly. And when you were born before you were born, you were already masturbating. It’s so natural. If you watch little kids, they touch their privates, they always have their hands down their parents always.

Kevin Anthony 23:55
Especially if you have a little boy, but little girls do it too. If you pay attention, they are touching themselves constantly.

Céline Remy 24:02
Yeah. And so I think it’s just one more segment here. If you have kids like to talk about it openly, because then if you don’t, and you create so much shame around the subject, then it becomes a problem. Then that’s people that I see in my private practice where they’re like, Well, nobody ever told me anything. I know I started masturbating. When I was four or five years old, I discovered this thing between my legs, and then I had fun. And then suddenly I got caught. I had to hide it. Then it carried so much shame.

Céline Remy 24:30
Especially for, you know, I see that both men and women do that it’s such a goal-oriented practice. I’m just masturbating to release tension and have like an orgasm, whether it’s a clitoral orgasm or an ejaculation. When you do that, I believe that you are training your body to come too quickly, you’re training your body to stay on a really low level of orgasmic pleasure.

If you can reframe that, rather than doing masturbation as a way to release tension, but using motivation to increase your energy, to increase your self-love to increase your health and your happiness, and that you start to use it as a tool to know what you like, but not just go for that quick release.

Céline Remy 25:14
But for that build up just like you know, you could go for like a really high-intensity workout and then be training or you could take it a little bit slower, and really enjoy the journey rather than that destination then masturbation is a celebration.

Kevin Anthony 25:27
Yeah, I love that masturbation is a celebration. Exactly. And that’s part of the practice that I alluded to, before that you could actually use this for more than just tension release. So

Céline Remy 25:40
so go for it, practice it. Have fun. By yourself with your partner, we giving you permission, yes to masturbation, yes. It’s okay. And it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner enough. And just bring it all.

Kevin Anthony 25:55
Yes. All right. Well, that’s all the time we have our show today. So if you really enjoyed this, please remember to like the episode, leave a comment, share it with your friends. This is only the beginning and it’s going to get even juicy here.

Kevin Anthony 26:18
We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, leave a comment and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 26:25
And if you want more, we have an entire digital library with the best sex tips and Relationship Advice at CelineRemy.com. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com So join us in the sex vault to continue this adventure.

Kevin Anthony 26:42
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 26:43
And remember, you’re amazing