How to Have Hot Monogamy Forever

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man, woman, single, or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 129. And it’s titled How to have hot monogamy forever. Okay, so you know, this is interesting, this episode comes from feedback that we get from listeners. And the feedback kind of goes like this. You guys are always talking about going to sex parties and threesomes and open relating and all this kind of sort of crazy sex stuff.

Kevin Anthony 1:00
And apparently, shockingly enough, not everybody can relate to that. I know that’s weird, right? I mean, so you know, people have requested that, hey, you know, we’re never going to go to sex parties. That’s not something that we have in our relationship agreements. You know, it’s not something that we would necessarily do, we’re not going to have threesomes or any of that kind of stuff.

Kevin Anthony 1:27
But we are interested in how do we have the kind of sex that you talk about all the time, but with just the two of us, even though we’ve been married for 510 2030 years, whatever. And so that’s really what this episode is about. So, you know, married or not married doesn’t really matter. The point is, is that you’re in a committed relationship and that you are indeed interested in figuring out how to keep that relationship hot and sexy forever, basically.

Céline Remy 2:00
Absolutely. So in our relationship, we’ve been together five years, we’ve been married two years, and we are monogamous. We still have great hot sex. As a matter of fact, we had great sex last night. So we figured that we were going to share with you what we do what works for us what we’ve learned over the years, and we do have a different perspective coming from different backgrounds of having had open relationships versus being monogamous.

Céline Remy 2:30
And I think that that’s a great skill or knowledge that we have had this in the past. But I really wanted to acknowledge that in this current time, that our relationship is more traditional, more monogamous, and at the same time, we’ve created rules for us at work for ourselves. There’s not just one definition that fits all. But today we are focusing on hard monogamy because being monogamous is awesome. Being married is awesome, too.

Céline Remy 2:57
By the way, if you haven’t done it yet, or thinking about it, it’s great if you have the right guy or the right girl, for sure. So we’ll answer the questions of whether or not it’s possible to be in a committed relationship with one person. And if you can keep the sex to be fantastic this whole time. But before that, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery.

Céline Remy 3:21
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Kevin Anthony 3:47
All right, so let’s dive in. And well, basically, it’s gonna be a short show, because the answer is yes.

Céline Remy 3:58
Is it possible to be in a committed sexual relationship with one person for years and decades and decades and still have hot sex? Is that the short answer is yes.

Kevin Anthony 4:07
Yeah, the short answer is yes. But that short answer requires a lot of explanation.

Céline Remy 4:16
So let’s start with the first thing

Kevin Anthony 4:19
is Yeah, before actually, before we started that first thing, I just want to say that we kind of has two lists here. So one is kind of like a higher-level view, you know, some really larger points that need to be understood beforehand. And then, later on, we’ll get into more specific examples of what we’re talking about.

Céline Remy 4:39
So give you some tips. Make sure you listen to the end. Let’s start with your expectations. You know you got to adjust your expectations and that’s a big word expectation. Don’t expect things to be like they were the first year you were dating. I mean, they could be but for most people, they are not you

Kevin Anthony 5:00
So you know, I had to start with this one. Because if we’re telling people Hey, look, you can have sustained hot, sexy relationships over long periods of time. Absolutely you can. But we do need to make it clear to people that you know, that chemical attraction you felt when you first got together with somebody, or fireworks were going off and, and he penetrates you and you both want to come immediately. And like, it’s just fireworks going off everywhere.

Kevin Anthony 5:31
A lot of that is actually brain chemicals that, well, let’s just face it aren’t going to necessarily be there a year, two years, five years, 10 years down the road, right. So I just want to be really clear with people that we’re not trying to take you back to the first six months you were dating, or even the first year when you’re dating. But, but don’t be dismayed by that.

Kevin Anthony 5:59
Because actually, where we are going to take you is even better than that, right? So that’s the whole thing about adjusting your expectations. Don’t expect to go back to the first you know, a year or less of your relationship where the fireworks are going off, you know, left and right. Having said that, though, you can get to a level that is actually way better than that. So

Céline Remy 6:24
I can’t wait to talk about that. Speaking of talking and speaking, talking with each other about how you would like things to be and being honest. And creating a space where it is possible to talk about anything is the foundation to keep sex amazing. What we mean by that is that you are willing to be fully seen in all of your kinkiness and amazingness and in your mess too.

Céline Remy 6:54
And all of the different things and you willing to speak things out. Secrecy does not lead to great sex, while for some, it is a turn on, especially having an affair is one of the thing that that is exciting. It’s not going to bring a couple close together because you are going to be closed down to one another.

Céline Remy 7:18
So being able to have a foundation where you can acknowledge when things are awesome. When things are not as awesome. And then you can brainstem things together will help to keep things going.

Kevin Anthony 7:33
Yeah. And so here’s the thing is, is in that beginning stage that we’re talking about that you know, fireworks are going off and all the brain chemicals, you don’t really have to do much, right? Because the brain chemicals are just handling it for you. Right? You’re kind of like on autopilot, it’s all good. You’re just you know, it’s great, no matter what happens for the most part, and you’re in La La Land great.

Kevin Anthony 7:56
The problem is, though, is that when that wears off, people then don’t communicate what they really need in order to keep that level of sexiness and turn on going. And that’s why number two was so important and so high up on the list, so to speak, which is that, okay, you’ve adjusted your expectations, right? But now that those brain chemicals are wearing off, it’s time for you to speak up, you need to speak up and say, Hey, you know, what would really turn me on? You know, what I would really like, you know, it’s really fun for me, you know, and you both have to do that.

Kevin Anthony 8:33
But the only way that that’s really successful, is if you create that environment, where you can say whatever you want, right? Because if you’re like if you’re the woman he like, you know, it would really turn me on is if you just like flipped me over shove my head into the pillow and fuck me in the ass, right like, and if the other person’s like a deer in headlights god that’s growing. Right?

Kevin Anthony 9:01
You need to have that environment where you can have those types of conversations, you can be really honest about what it is you want, and what it is you need in order to keep this going.

Céline Remy 9:11
Yeah, and you’re talking about needs here to Kevin, which is our first step really, in managing and keeping things hard for a really long time, is you need to understand that underneath your feelings, your emotions, there’s always needs are universal, which means everybody has them. There are basic needs like sustenance, and safety and shelter, food, I mean, all of these different things that pretty much are essential.

Céline Remy 9:44
And then there are other needs that some people want, more or less off, right. So once you understand that when something comes up, that it means that our need is not met, then you need to be able to acknowledge the need, and then ask for, like make a request, it’s not a demand, it’s a request, where you can speak up and talk about your needs. And maybe it asked for some support around that.

Céline Remy 10:13
And so find ways that you can both get your needs met. So that work for both of you, we moving away from a battle of like, oh, I’m selfish, and I want everything for me,  into how to create a win-win-win, really a win for you a win for your partner and a win for the relationship, which is a totally different relationship that you get in at the beginning with what’s in it for me, or what can I get out of this? Now you start to think differently,

Kevin Anthony 10:43
you know, if you’re in a relationship, thinking about what’s in it for you, and what can you get out of it, this is a failing relationship, period, period, like full stop fucking period, right? Because that’s not how relationships work. And that doesn’t mean that you have to be totally selfless and give yourself to no end, right? It’s not what it means at all. But you have to realize that every relationship that you’re in is a mix of the needs of both of you. And that’s what it means to be in a relationship.

Kevin Anthony 11:13
Because if you only want to think about yourself, don’t get into a relationship, just be single do so low poly, do something like that, where you don’t have to give a shit about anybody but yourself. But once you’re in a relationship, you need to be thinking about the needs of both people. And that’s why number three, again, is so high on the list, because you may and likely will have different needs, right? I mean, how often is it the two people have the exact same needs all the time, you’ll have some of the same needs, and you’ll have some of your own needs, and they’ll have some of their own needs.

Kevin Anthony 11:47
And so the idea, then is, how can you creatively make sure that both people and their unique needs are met in a way and this is the key in a way that works for everybody. And you said that and I just wanted to reiterate that because it’s really about like, there are tons of ways I could get my needs met, that doesn’t mean you’re going to like them all. Gee, I want more blowjobs a way to get that need met is to go find other women to suck my dick. But you’re not gonna like that, right? So that’s not a win-win. That doesn’t work, right. So you got to find a way to make it a win-win.

Céline Remy 12:20
Mm-hmm. And I think at some point, we might do a whole episode on some of the communication basis that we’re talking about here. I feel like wondering, Well, how do I get to know about these needs, but you know, what’s fascinating too, when you take it away from just the emotional charge and get very clear on the need, which could be like, I’m really tired.

Céline Remy 12:39
I need some rest and some good food. Then the other one might be like, Well, actually, I’m really full of energy. And I need to move because I just want to be in touch with my body, then it’s really interesting to notice. Like, why don’t you go and walk to a restaurant, pick up some food while I rest, and then you feed me like, and then everybody gets their needs met, rather than bickering about like, Oh, you don’t want to rest on the couch with me or things like that, you know.

Céline Remy 13:11
So once you understand the needs, it’s so much easier to talk like very grown-up mature, evolved adults. And when you have this type of communication, it’s sexy. It plain is

Kevin Anthony 13:26
Yeah, and I want to say two things. First of all, to the audience, I get lots of blood jobs. So just so you know, I said, I don’t get enough blood, I actually do get a great one last night, too.

Céline Remy 13:35
Thank you can’t get straight.

Kevin Anthony 13:42
The other thing that I want to say is there are tons of creative ways to come up with those solutions. So just think outside the box, which we’ll talk about in a different context in a minute, but and then there was one other thing that I wanted to share, which now I’m forgetting what it was because there were too many things.

Céline Remy 14:04
Well, since you are having a brain fart

Kevin Anthony 14:06
Ways to make it work for both of you. I don’t know, I’ll come back to it.

Céline Remy 14:10
I want to keep moving then. So this is a very important point that we want to bring to you. It’s about not looking externally for satisfaction that it starts from within. So there’s this misconception that somebody else is going to complete you or somebody else is going to make you happy, or basically fulfill your needs. And while Yes, did it come back? The brain fart?

Kevin Anthony 14:40
Yes, Yes, it did. And it’s in relation to needs again, okay. And what I wanted to share with people is just that the needs can sometimes be difficult to get to, they can appear as a bunch of things on the surface, but the real need is actually somewhere way below that. So you might have to work at it a little bit to find out what The actual underlying need is, which brings us back into needs that you were just sharing.

Céline Remy 15:07
If you come into a relationship or you feel complete within yourself, and you meet somebody else who feels complete to the relationship really can be into this forever flowing and giving place if you both feel like you’re missing something, or empty, and that somebody else is going to complete you. You can make a full circle together, then you’re going to run out of juice. It’s very important to do the work first, to feel comfortable with yourself to be comfortable being alone, being alone is not the same as being lonely, by the way.

Céline Remy 15:47
But if you are able to know that your satisfaction starts from within, and yes, big things, people, and circumstances sometimes will impact you more than others. And it’s okay. But understand that it starts from within the relationship that you are in is going to be so different.

Céline Remy 16:07
So in the concept of monogamy and keeping things hot, it again brings it back to you understanding that nobody can give you an orgasm, nobody can make you happy or satisfied that you have to speak up for yourself, all of the points were just shared. And sometimes your partner can support you in reaching these places. And honestly, that’s the beauty of the committed relationship.

Céline Remy 16:32
Where are you both dedicated to each other’s highest good, because when I can do something for you, and I know that in this contribution, I’ve made your life better? I’ve enhanced your life and your happiness. It makes it worthwhile for me.

Kevin Anthony 16:50
Yeah, so truth bomb hair, hair cones, here’s the truth bomb. If you cannot be satisfied with yourself, then nobody else is ever going to be able to satisfy you. And you see this. So so often in relationships, where somebody keeps expecting the other person to constantly satisfy them. And no matter what the other person does, they always feel inadequate because they can’t actually satisfy them. That’s because the satisfaction comes from within.

Céline Remy 17:19
Mm-hmm. So good. Let’s talk about fun here. Because most people have it backward. They always think I’m working on my relationship, we’re going to make this work. And I always say you work on your business, you work on your, your taxes, or whatever those things that are not fun, right?

Céline Remy 17:39
But your relationships should be a place of fun. And that doesn’t mean you don’t give it attention and energy. But if you don’t put the attitude of work of getting it done, the other thing getting done is each other.

Kevin Anthony 17:50
Yeah, well. And what I would like to stress here, too, is that there are things that you could do to make your relationship awesome that that do maybe seem like work, like for instance, maybe you’re having communication difficulties and asking for what you want. And the two of you decide to take a workshop on nonviolent communication, compassionate communication, or some other form of communication or something like that.

Kevin Anthony 18:16
That could be considered work, you’re going into a learning environment, you’re being challenged with new things and practices that you haven’t done before. That’s great. And there’s absolutely a place for that sort of stuff. Without a doubt. However, one of the things that we do see couples get stuck in is it always works. It’s always working.

Kevin Anthony 18:41
It’s always workshop after workshop after pushing this boundary after pushing that boundary, I have seen more so in poly relationships, but I have seen so many, you know triads or open relationships are whatever, people sitting there in misery, literal fucking misery and telling themselves that this is something they have to do to push past this, this limit or this boundary that they have? No, maybe that’s true.

Kevin Anthony 19:10
Maybe that’s true. But the reality is, is that it doesn’t have to be all work and constantly pushing your boundaries. If it is eventually you’re going to get tired of it, and you’re not going to want to do it anymore. Right? It’s like anything else you want to learn to play guitar, as you see over here in the corner, right? If everything you did on the guitar was nothing but work.

Kevin Anthony 19:32
You’d say screw this thing, man, I’m doing this anymore, right? But what makes the work worth it is when you finally play that first song and you’re like that music is coming out of me, right? It’s the same thing in your relationship. You’ve got to do things that make it fun, hmm.

Céline Remy 19:51
And then kind of think outside the box too. And you’re going to be willing to entertain ideas that you may not have been open to in the past and just As the term Trailblazer, Trailblazer, right? It doesn’t matter what your parents did, I mean, learn from people what they’ve done, especially if they’re still together because there’s value in that.

Céline Remy 20:12
But be true to yourself and your relationship. And what does your relationship want needs and create your own rules that we’ve made our own tradition together, see this, this was really fun.

Céline Remy 20:24
We’re like, what’s on your family tradition? What do we want to do, and this kind of thing keeps things fresh and exciting and unique. And again, that thinking outside the box. And we’ve spoken about this a lot in many shows, so it’s probably not going to be very new to hear it.

Céline Remy 20:40
But I’m going to share that, again, activating your creativity, activity, sexual energy, there’s a connection to how excited you feel about life, the juices that are flowing, this energy, sexual energy, and creativity are the same, they come from the same place. And so when you are willing to be creative and be adventurous, it will serve you in the bedroom too.

Céline Remy 21:03
So you don’t always have to learn new sex positions or do things that are specifically related to the bedroom, just the sheer fact of learning a new skill or doing something different will bring that excitement energy back. Absolutely. And

Kevin Anthony 21:22
so there’s something I really wanted to share about this one, as far as you know, sort of thinking outside the box. And it’s just so basically, I don’t want to restate everything that that you said. But just this, there are so many different ways that you could, you could make these things happen. And so the big mistake that we see with a lot of couples is that they think monogamy looks a certain way. Right?

Kevin Anthony 21:55
Like there’s this is what monogamy means. But it’s not working for them. But they’re trying to force it to work for them. And so what I would say and what I kind of wanted to impart by having this on the list was just monogamy can look a lot of different ways. And that’s where you got to think outside the box. That’s where you got to be creative.

Kevin Anthony 22:18
You don’t have to stick to the framework that you were given by your parents, your grandparents, your religious beliefs, or whatever, there are a lot of ways that you can still have a monogamous relationship or an exclusive relationship or whatever term you want to use for it yet, still get your needs met.

Céline Remy 22:38
And I want to bring one last point here, which is about keeping it up. That means that Remember, your relationship is like a plant. Once you’ve agreed that you’ve chosen this relationship, you are going to have to give it some energy and sometimes give it some good watering and extra feeding at times.

Céline Remy 22:54
And it is the same with your relationship, you can just start the work and then relax up. That said I want to the workshop now we get it’s a constant redirecting of your energy into the relationship putting things and energy into the relationship bank account here. And remember that a happy and sexy relationship is a living entity. It needs nourishing, just like any other living thing,

Kevin Anthony 23:20
and that there really is the key right? Too many people want to set it and forget it.

Céline Remy 23:26
Mm-hmm.

Kevin Anthony 23:27
All right, we took the workshop, we did the thing what blah, blah, blah, and it just runs on autopilot from here on out.

Céline Remy 23:32
That’s not how it works. Nope,

Kevin Anthony 23:35
nope. And if you think that’s the way it works, you are going to be in for one hell of a bumpy ride. Because it doesn’t work that way you just have you have to nourish it, just like anything else that’s living.

Céline Remy 23:46
I wanted it to be a little bit personal because I think it was last week or so we were making love. Then you looked up. And you were just like, man, I just love being married in a relationship. One of the things that you were realizing was that in a sense, we were being kinky here than we were five years ago.

Céline Remy 24:11
And that there’s something about how anything goes. I don’t know if you quite remember how you say that. But it was like how you felt so comfortable to ask for anything you wanted and how sexy and good it felt. So I’m curious about your version of the story to share this with our audience.

Kevin Anthony 24:29
Yeah, you know, I don’t specifically remember exactly what I said. But I do understand the thought or feeling that I was trying to convey when I said it, which was that, you know, when you’re somewhat new and early on in a relationship, you’re still like on your best behavior, so to speak, you know.

Kevin Anthony 24:48
And you’re still like, you want to present a certain image of yourself and you don’t know everything about the other person yet. So you’re like, I don’t want to push the boundaries too far because I don’t know if she or he’s gonna like that. Or what if she thinks I’m weird or crazy? Or

Céline Remy 25:03
any? That’s what brought it up. Kevin, it was a day where you wanted your balls trashed.

Kevin Anthony 25:13
So wanting it, but what was happening is is, is you were like, pulling on them pretty aggressively. While you were writing the actual Yes, she was in reverse cowgirl. That’s how that works.

Céline Remy 25:27
We asked for it. It’s not that just went for your balls, you were saying you wanted them to be pulling like, just can’t seem to get in now?

Kevin Anthony 25:33
Yeah, I think what happened was you you you started touching them because you do that usually in reverse cowgirl? And then I was like, Oh, that feels really good. Please keep doing it. Right. And so you were and you were pulling them somewhat aggressively. And I was at that moment, I was somewhat surprised that I was liking it as much as I was.

Céline Remy 25:54
And you were asking for more.

Kevin Anthony 25:56
So then I was like, oh, I keep doing it. And that’s the thing. And that’s kind of what came up afterward after sex was over. We were talking about it. Like, maybe at the beginning of our relationship, I might not have said to keep pulling on those things. I don’t know, maybe I would maybe I wouldn’t have but the point is, is that you know, when you’ve been together for enough time, and you know each other really well. You don’t mind like I had no problem say Yeah, go for it, you know, like,

Kevin Anthony 26:30
cuz there’s just there was no like, Oh, she’s gonna think I’m weird if I asked her to do that, or anything like that. And so the point that we’re trying to make here for you, the audience, is that one of the beautiful things about being in a long term committed relationship is that you can get to that place where you can actually feel way freer to ask for stuff no matter how crazy it is, than maybe you were in the beginning.

Céline Remy 26:56
Yes. So we’re gonna do a quick break for our sponsors. And then we’ll share with you a fascinating study of the last year and some specific tips to keep at heart. So if you know those times when you’re so into what you’re doing that you can’t think about anything else, the days when you’ve closed that big deal, won that game made love for hours, and checked everything off your list, and it was effortless, and it just flowed.

Céline Remy 27:23
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Céline Remy 27:45
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Céline Remy 28:12
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Kevin Anthony 28:27
I obviously did not have my alpha brain today, since I forgot what I was saying in the middle of the conversation before.

Céline Remy 28:35
Next time. So I want to talk about a study that we found while we were prepping this episode. This study is really recent, it was done in July of 2020. It was published in the Journal of social psychological and personality science. And it was talking about are couples more satisfied when they match in sexual desire? Because this is a big thing that people deal with when they’re in a relationship, right?

Céline Remy 29:03
Where they’re like, well, they have different libido different desires. And if it’s a mismatch, does it affect the happiness of the relationship? So the current findings, do not support the idea that matching sexual desire between partners is linked to satisfaction in romantic relationships. That’s, that’s interesting, right? Because a lot of people use that excuse like, Oh, this is why we’re not doing so well.

Céline Remy 29:26
But actually, it’s not really the cause. Therefore, in an existing relationship in which desire discrepancies are common, it might not be fruitful for partners to aim too much on desire, but rather to find ways to maintain desire over the course of their relationship or successfully navigate sexual differences.

Céline Remy 29:44
So really, this suggests that rather than trying to align partners’ levels of sexual desire to be more similar couples can build a more satisfying sexual relationship by focusing on strategies to manage these differences. For example, communicating effectively when sex Desire is low or finding ways to boost or reignite your sexual desire in the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 30:05
Oh, so what you’re telling us is that this study validates everything that we just told the audience.

Céline Remy 30:11
Yes. And that’s why we put it in there to just prove that science to prove our point with science, basically.

Kevin Anthony 30:17
But you know, what I love about this kind of stuff is we created that list before we even found this study.

Céline Remy 30:22
That is true. That’s true. We like it when we can we like to do research and bring you some other perspective or science again, because it’s not just about what we think we, we do have our love lab, we do always experiment for ourselves.

Céline Remy 30:36
But it’s nice when we get some external. I don’t know if I would say the term validation, but other people who have similar experience and when there are studies like this, that, that show that what we experience happens for a lot of other people, it feels even better to share these tips with you. Because we know we’re right spot on. Yeah.

Kevin Anthony 30:57
Well, you know, I mean, granted, because this is the work that we do. And we’ve been doing it for a long time, we have a lot of experience. And so that does count for something.

Kevin Anthony 31:06
But there are always going to be those people that go, Yeah, whatever. It’s just the people that tend to come to see you. But what does science say about it? Well, there you go. That’s what the science says about it.

Céline Remy 31:17
So we want to share with you nine tips ideas to keep it hot. So get ready, pull out maybe a notebook, or maybe listen to this part of the show twice, because we’re going to give you some really good tips.

Kevin Anthony 31:30
All right, number one, have a dedicated date night, we keep saying this over and over again. But this really is one of the keys, it is way too easy to let it slide if you don’t make it a regular occurrence.

Céline Remy 31:45
Remember our two rules, you got to do something together that’s not on the screen. And you got to be naked at some point.

Kevin Anthony 31:52
That’s right, doesn’t have to

Céline Remy 31:53
have penetration, just nakedness, and togetherness, it usually does lead to good penetration will let you imagine the rest, never to try new things that you’ve never done.

Céline Remy 32:05
Remember, we talked about the creativity aspect, but here, it could be things like change positions, you know, or pull on his balls or rotate, you reverse cocktails, you know, just a time if you’re always having sex in the morning, have sex at night or middle of the afternoon, to change places. Maybe add some toys sometimes or luxury, something different, just for the sake of it

Kevin Anthony 32:29
just to keep it interesting. I mean, if you like we go for a walk every morning, and we don’t take the exact same route every morning because that would get fucking boring, right? Sometimes we go a different way. Sometimes we go left at the gate, sometimes we go right at the gate is just the gate. You mix it up, you do different things to keep it interesting and fun.

Céline Remy 32:49
Number three, make sure that you are maintaining a constant state of arousal. If you’ve been listening to the love lab, you’ve heard that term more than once.

Kevin Anthony 32:58
Oh, you sure have. You know, we don’t actually have time in this episode to go into what we really mean by but we have talked about it so many times before, go find another episode where we really go into the depth of it.

Kevin Anthony 33:09
But I will just simply say that you know, it’s so helpful because you want to keep things sexy, but trying to go from zero sexy to 100%. Sexy is so so hard. So the constant state of arousal means you’re going maybe from like 20 3040 50%, sexy to 100 it’s a much shorter distance to travel and much easier to do.

Céline Remy 33:31
And remember, your relationship is a living entity. And that’s really what we mean with that constant state of arousal that you putting attention and energy into the sexy part of the relationship.

Kevin Anthony 33:43
Mm-hmm. All right, the next one is probably going to be a little bit controversial for some of you, but I had to put it on the list because it is a reality of life is do your best to keep your bodies healthy and in good shape. Okay, so we do hear from time to time like, Well, you know, we’ve been together a long time we’ve bought put on some weight or you know, we’re not really all that attractive anymore.

Kevin Anthony 34:08
Sometimes it’s hard to get motivated to want sex. Well, there’s, there’s a somewhat easy way around that particular problem. Don’t let yourself go to shit. All right, I mean, I get it. It’s not that easy. It takes work. You love to eat what you love to eat, maybe you’re busy, whatever, you don’t have a lot of time to go to the gym, but there’s always stuff that you can do. The healthier you keep your body, the more attractive you’re going to be. There is a reason why men are attracted to young women.

Kevin Anthony 34:40
And it’s not what most people think it’s not because oh, they’re going to be better and better or they’re going to want more sex or Oh, and most of that’s not even true. The reason is, is because we are programmed genetically inside our bodies to be attracted to health. Why? Why? Because a young healthy woman has a much better chance of raising successful offspring than an older unhealthy one. Right?

Kevin Anthony 35:09
And the same thing women do it too. It’s not just men towards women, women do the same way they look at a guy and they look at a guy who’s obese and you know, it has a bunch of bad habits and is really not healthy and then go, what are the chances that his sperm are actually gonna make it?

Kevin Anthony 35:23
And if they do, how healthy is this kid gonna be? Right? And so by nature, we are programmed to look for health. And so simply improving your health is instantly going to make you more attractive to your partner,

Céline Remy 35:37
and to yourself. Basically, if you’re looking into the mirror, and you can’t love yourself, or you can’t find your body attractive, you can’t expect your partner to do that. And so you don’t have to be like model size, but you just got to be able to love who you are.

Céline Remy 35:52
And it’s true, your body will change, especially as women we will put some weight on as we’re going through hormonal changes. But it doesn’t mean that we’re not just as beautiful. Hey, look,

Kevin Anthony 36:03
I had this swimsuit. Flower. Yeah, this has happened, right? I had this swimsuit for years really nice. Like Patagonia, you know, kind of like boardshorts swimsuit isn’t still in perfect condition. I’ve had it for years. So we don’t wear swimsuits that often. And what’s funny is, is we were doing some classic cleaning.

Kevin Anthony 36:23
And I was like, I’m pretty sure last time I tried that, and it didn’t really fit very well. So let me try to get so I put it on. And the thing is, is I mean around my hips, it’s literally bone to bone like I don’t have any extra fat whatsoever. It doesn’t fit anymore. Which kind of boggles the mind, right? Like, if there’s no fat in the way, had it before, why doesn’t it fit now, and the reality is, is that we change as we get older

Céline Remy 36:53
and widen. Things are expanding a little bit, I

Kevin Anthony 36:57
don’t want to admit that. But I mean, it still looks fine, because it’s still just, you know, my body sees my hip bone sticking out, you know, but, but it’s just funny like those changes happen. And so we get that, like, there’s, there are certain things that you’re not really going to be able to do much about.

Kevin Anthony 37:11
But you don’t really have to worry about that, as my friend said a couple of weeks ago, and I said this on the show, too, that he was saying that, you know, the aging part actually makes him more attractive to his wife, you know, and that’s true, there is a certain part of that that is more attractive.

Kevin Anthony 37:27
So you don’t have to look like the 20 something-year-old models, you just have to look like a healthy version of yourself, whatever age you are.

Céline Remy 37:35
So let’s talk about our tip number five, practice appreciation daily see the best in each other. So focus on the things you appreciate about each other, it will go a long way in keeping things hard and to see for a long time. Now we’re going to talk about number six because this is the only time we tell you that it’s okay to watch porn.

Kevin Anthony 37:56
Yeah, so I put this on the list and you took it off. And then I was like, now we should

Céline Remy 38:01
put it back.

Kevin Anthony 38:02
together. We always say we’re not against porn, and there are some legitimate uses for porn. And this is the one time where this is a legitimate use for born.

Céline Remy 38:12
And let’s get clear, you’re not going to turn on porn and try to have sex while watching porn. That’s not what we mean. What we mean is you’re going to sit down, you can grab some popcorn, if you want, and find something to watch and look at it together and kind of feel like hot, maybe you can talk about how it was, maybe you have to pause it so then you can do each other. That’s very important don’t just watch porn and have sex.

Kevin Anthony 38:35
Well, yeah, does have it running in the background, blah, blah, blah. But the idea really is to use it as an aid to help jumpstart your arousal. And then you take it from there that that’s the idea behind it.

Céline Remy 38:47
Let’s talk about number seven. Oh, I want to talk about number seven. It’s about exploring on your own. It’s really important. Sometimes when you’re a new relationship, you forget that you also are in a relationship with yourself. And so, especially for all the women listening, it’s important for you to know your body better to know what you like how you like to be touched so that you can direct your partner can let your partner know what feels really good for you.

Céline Remy 39:10
And if you’re a man, learning to masturbate differently, so that you can last longer and use it as a training tool to be a better lover in bed will go a long way. So sometimes exploring your sexuality through self-love and masturbation will help you to be a better lover or to come up with new ways that you want to be touched, which again will spark some fire in your relationship.

Kevin Anthony 39:35
Like we said earlier, it starts from within.

Céline Remy 39:39
Yeah, with a finger within

Kevin Anthony 39:44
or five fingers wrapped around or whatever.

Céline Remy 39:48
Let’s talk about our Tip Number eight, which is really important. If you’ve made it all the way to the end of this show. You’re going to get like the gold here. If you want to have hot sex forever, you got to manage your stress level. There’s a strong correlation.

Céline Remy 40:02
The higher the stress, the less libido you have or desire for sex, the more you’re able to let go of his stress level, the more you go and be willing to have sex and be attracted to your partner. You know, this

Kevin Anthony 40:14
is another nature programming thing. Later, God, whatever you want to call it, whatever you believe in, has programmed this for a reason. And the idea is, is that when you’re stressed, you don’t have a desire for things like sex. Why? Because you need the energy to deal with the saber-toothed Tiger that’s stalking you or, you know, the fact that you’ve got to find food before you starve to death, or whatever it is, that heightened stress level is designed to help you accomplish a task.

Kevin Anthony 40:47
And sex most likely is going to be a distraction for that task. So we’re kind of programmed that the higher the stress level goes, the lower the sexual desire level goes. And so if you want that sexual desire level to be higher, you got to bring the stress level back down. And so the perfect example, we just came off a nice vacation for this year, our first one all year long.

Kevin Anthony 41:10
And I mean, yeah, took a few days to settle in. But once your nervous system kind of relaxes, all of a sudden, you start feeling it again, you’re like, ooh, hey, hey, what are you doing right now. But you can clearly feel that difference.

Céline Remy 41:28
And then number nine, just do it. Just do it. Without expectations. Sometimes your sex will be great, sometimes not. But if you only wait until you’re both in the mood and all the stars are aligned, and that it’s going to be fantastic.

Céline Remy 41:44
You’re going to miss the boat and the longer you go without sex, the harder it will be to get back into the groove. So keep doing it. Do it often, and don’t be attached to it. But keep the wheels turning.

Kevin Anthony 42:01
Alright, everybody, that is all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 42:19
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 42:33
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 42:35
And remember, you’re amazing