How To Get Your Partner To Do What You Want

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast, a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 165. And it’s titled, how to get your partner to do what you want? Oh, I think we’ve already triggered some people. Why do you can’t do that? You don’t try to get your partner to do what you want? Well,

Céline Remy 0:47
what you may think, so I mean, you know, so consciously, they’re their own person. Pretty much everyone still tries to get the partner to do. But they themselves want not always do what the partner wants. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 1:01
so so hang in there because we’re going to talk about how most people do it. Why what most people do does not work. And what you could do that’s better, that would actually give you a better chance of getting what you want, than the current strategies that you are most likely employing.

Céline Remy 1:21
And this whole show came from a conversation we had yesterday with a friend, and we were discussing some of the differences between the masculine and feminine and how women try to get stuff done. And the certain way we do it, and then given was kind of explaining what happens when Hey, when you tried to complain to get him to do things.

Céline Remy 1:42
And so we’re going to dive into that, which I’m really excited about because, again, these are generalities, but we see a lot of people, myself included, in some of these patterns. And I had to learn not to do it this way. Because I think most of us are role models. Our parents always like, don’t do it this way.

Céline Remy 2:03
Or we’re going to tell you what not to do. Or we’re going to force you if it’s your parents, they force you to do what they want. And then you try to make them pay later for that as well.

Kevin Anthony 2:13
Yeah, so two women in myself, I think the ladies found it enlightening yesterday.

Céline Remy 2:18
Well, let’s see if you can do that. Again, Kevin, I will

Kevin Anthony 2:22
do my best.

Céline Remy 2:23
Okay, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsors for today’s Power and the master race. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power ends mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections and last longer or increase your sexual skills. There is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 2:50
Okay, so we’re going to get started by kind of talking about how do most people go about getting what they want. When we say what they want, what are we talking about? Well, it could be how to get your partner to clean up after themselves or how to get them to take out the trash when it needs to go out?

Kevin Anthony 3:07
Or how to get them to turn off the light switch that they never turn off? Or how to, you know, have them appreciate you or show up for you in the ways that you need? Like

Céline Remy 3:18
how do give you more blowjobs how to get more sacks?

Kevin Anthony 3:23
Yeah, well, it could be any of those to

Céline Remy 3:25
help with vacuuming. Yeah, no, you got it.

Kevin Anthony 3:29
Everybody has needs. And when you’re in a relationship, and you are a partnership, then you know, you’re hoping that your partner will step in and help you with the things that need to happen in life or the things that you want or the needs that you have. And sometimes they do.

Kevin Anthony 3:49
And sometimes they don’t. And when they don’t, we tend to employ strategies to try to get them to satisfy those needs that we have. So what are the top three strategies that people use? Number one in saline, you wrote it in all caps because it’s that common and that awful?

Céline Remy 4:07
complain. So there’s this whole idea that in order to get what you want and your needs met, you just need to complain often enough and hard enough? Well, here’s the truth. I don’t know about you. But no matter how much I have complained in the past, it still did not get me where I wanted. And that’s once I finally learned to not complain and do different things, which we’ll be teaching you all about in today’s show that I started to see results.

Céline Remy 4:39
So complaining is this place that we get into, and I think a lot of women, it’s our default, where it’s, you know, it’s natural. When women get together, and they like doing this whole thing of like, oh, and this happened and oh my husband doesn’t do that. Or, yeah, my hair is not good, and no matter what I do, I can’t lose weight.

Céline Remy 5:01
I always like focusing on that negative and complaining that how people do it. And they think if I do it really loud enough, maybe the person is going to hear I’m not happy, and they got to do something about it.

Kevin Anthony 5:13
You know, this one? Okay, I have a couple of things to say about this one. The first one is, I have seen so many women throughout my lifetime employ this strategy. And I have not once ever seen it work, yet, I still continue to witness women doing this. And it’s not just women. I mean, sometimes men get into this one, too. It’s not necessarily their default, the complaining thing, some men will, but that’s not the one that they usually go to first, you know, it’s not their favorite tool in the toolbox.

Kevin Anthony 5:46
But I’m just amazed at how many people do this. And it absolutely does work. In fact, in most cases, it gets you the opposite of what you want. And we’ll talk about why these things don’t work in a little bit. But just know that if you’re employing the strategy of complaining in an attempt to get your needs met or get work done around the house, it’s not going to work ever, ever, and all it’s going to do is make your relationship worse. So don’t do it. Don’t do it.

Céline Remy 6:22
Number two, people try to gore each other into doing what they want.

Kevin Anthony 6:30
Yeah, so this one may seem similar to number three, but I want to make a distinction between the two. So when we talk about coercing, This is where, well, if you do this for me, I’ll do that for you.

Céline Remy 6:46
So you start to use sex, also, as a bartering tool. Often sex is one possible thing. But it’s like, well, you know,

Kevin Anthony 6:54
I really need you to take out the trash, and you never do it on time. And sometimes you miss and then you know, pick it up, and then bla bla bla. And then eventually, at some point you, if you could just remember to take out the trash, I’ll do such and such for you. Or I’ll make sure I do this other thing. Or remember how you really wanted to go to that event with your friends who I don’t even like and don’t even want to spend time with.

Kevin Anthony 7:17
But if you could just do this thing for me, I will then go with you to the whatever, right? There are a million examples you could create of coercion where you’re, you know, you’re bribing them, you’re co coercing them, you’re just like, you’re trying somehow to give them something so that they’ll do what you want to do.

Kevin Anthony 7:39
There’s, again, a whole bunch of problems with that, that we can talk about, but it’s never sustainable. And it’s never addressing the root issue of the problem. So it’s, you know, I mean, if you have kids, you know, this doesn’t work, right? You’ve probably tried this a million times with your kids. If you just eat the vegetables, then you can have such and such right.

Kevin Anthony 8:01
And you think that if you tell them they can have ice cream, if they just eat their vegetables, that the next dinner, they’re just going to eat their vegetables so that they can get the ice cream? No, it’s the same fight every fucking night, right? Because the coercion doesn’t really work.

Céline Remy 8:18
It’s funny because when you were describing the behavior, I was thinking, it sounds so childish. Like, it feels like it’s not very grown-up.

Kevin Anthony 8:30
Well, it’s not but at the risk of alienating most of our audience, I just have to drop a truth bomb here and say that most adults emotionally act like children. They just do. And yeah, I’m not just saying this to you know, dump on people and say, I hear a bunch of idiots or anything like that.

Kevin Anthony 8:49
But, you know, if you study psychology, psychology, like mainstream psychology will tell you that most people are stuck somewhere between about five and seven to eight years old and their emotional maturity in the way that they handle situations. So it is a very relevant observation that you just made that it sounds childish because it is childish. It’s the way you have to understand children.

Kevin Anthony 9:16
To really understand why it’s childish and why children do this. Children do not have the intellect developed yet that adults have children do not have the vocabulary that adults have yet. Children do not have the experience that adults have yet, especially when they’re very young, and they can’t even talk yet. They have no other way to get their needs met than to manipulate you that and I’m not trying to make it I’m not trying to say it’s or bad or mean or evil or anything like that.

Kevin Anthony 9:49
Oh, then maybe I’m just telling you. It’s the only tool in their toolbox to get what they want. Right? So when they want to eat because they’re hungry. They don’t just give you a sign language sign that says I’m hungry feed me, what do they do? They cry like hell, like, like, like someone’s torturing them. Right? That’s to get your damn attention. So you’ll do what they need you to do that is actually manipulation.

Kevin Anthony 10:16
And you’ll see this very often, right when if you’ve ever been a parent, you’ve probably seen this 1000 times more than 1000 times, you might see it 10 times in one day. But that is the child’s doing something and they trip and they fall down and they hit the ground, they don’t cry immediately. They look at you first, see how you react. If you have a big reaction, you go, Oh, my God,

Kevin Anthony 10:40
Wow. Then all of a sudden, boom, here come the screams and the cries, right? Now, if it really, really was a problem and really hurt, they would have cried instantly. And as a parent, you learn to know the difference, right? You know, the ones when they crash and burn. And this just instant tears, they don’t even look at you and they just ball it, you know, they’re hurting.

Kevin Anthony 11:01
But when they give you that that momentary pause first, you know, what they want is your attention. And they’re manipulating you through tears in order to get attention, because they don’t have any of that they can’t sit there and go, that really hurt. And I really don’t feel good. And right now, I’m really sad that I fell or whatever. And I really just need you to give me some attention.

Kevin Anthony 11:20
They can’t do that. So they cry. Right? So I don’t want to go too far down the children’s rabbit hole here. But the idea is your observation. Celine was absolutely correct. That is very much childish behavior.

Céline Remy 11:33
So you kind of started to talk about number three, which was manipulation. And I think number two in free between coercion and manipulation, they’re somewhat similar and near they are a little bit different. I also think that in the manipulation, sometimes it’s even more calculated.

Kevin Anthony 11:52
Well, so that’s the difference, right? So in coercion, it’s opening upfront, if you do this, I’ll do that. Right. That’s one example of coercion and manipulation. You are scheming behind their back? Well, okay, here’s what I’m gonna do. He never takes the damn trash out, right. And I’m really getting tired of this.

Kevin Anthony 12:13
So I’m purposely going to leave a bag of trash like, right at the bottom of the stairs, you know, so that when he comes down, he has no choice but to trip over, probably knock it over. And he’ll get really angry and frustrated. And that’ll motivate him to finally take out the damn trash, right? That kind of stuff is that manipulation, we’re behind the scenes, you’re working to try to get what you want without being upfront with your partner.

Céline Remy 12:38
So let’s talk about why these behaviors and ways of acting don’t work. In case you’ve been wondering if any of this was helpful or would work, they don’t. So number one motivation from negativity doesn’t work. There’s no such thing as constructive criticism. By the way, it’s a metaphor, criticism is a criticism. negativity is negativity, and there’s no way to spin it around to make it better.

Céline Remy 13:05
Now, you can still express things when you’re not happy and satisfied, but you just have to do it differently than through the negative or complaint and criticism route.

Kevin Anthony 13:15
Yeah, well, when it comes to criticism, you can call it constructive criticism. But the brain only hears criticism, the brain doesn’t distinguish between constructive criticism. And like just criticism, because you’re an ass, right? Like, the brain just hears criticism.

Céline Remy 13:30
And in case you don’t believe us, just remember how you go for a day and you get 10 compliments. And then there’s one person who says something slightly mean to you, what do you remember? The only one thing that somebody told you that was mean, and you forgot all over 10 really positive things?

Kevin Anthony 13:45
Yeah. And they, they’ve done so many studies when it comes to children and teaching them about, you know, reinforcing behaviors through negativity and punishment versus reward. And you know, I didn’t bother actually because it wasn’t really the focus of this episode but didn’t bother pulling up any of that research but I have read it in the past it’s pretty fascinating.

Kevin Anthony 14:09
And while motivation through negativity will get you some of what you want, it’ll take you so far down the path. It ultimately can’t take you all the way and doing motivation through positivity and reinforcement and appreciation and that sort of thing actually can take you a lot further and they’ve proven this through studies.

Céline Remy 14:34
Number two, it creates defensiveness so when you feel like somebody is attacking you, most of the time you’re going to react by closing down your heart closing down and being defensive and that does not foster good communication and intimacy and the ability to have your needs met because you both triggered and closed down.

Kevin Anthony 14:55
Yeah, absolutely. This is where complaining is the one that triggers this. The most Second, you start to complain, the other person immediately goes into defense mode. So now you got someone complaining, and you got someone defending? Do you think that’s going to foster clear and accurate communication? Nope. Nope, never does.

Céline Remy 15:18
So it’s important to bring up the concept to have ants. So ants, I believe it was coined by Daniel Ayman, the man who wrote change your brain something like this book on rewiring your brain. And it stands for automatic negative thoughts. And what happens is, most of us have about anywhere between 50 to 70,000 thoughts a day? those thoughts, most of them are repetitive. And those are most of them not really conscious.

Céline Remy 15:49
They say that by the time you’re 35 Is it like 80% of your thoughts and in your actions are kind of in like cruise control mode, where it’s just like acquired things, and you’re not thinking it through or just repeating the same old patterns on autopilot. So when you have these negative thoughts, they start to change your brain chemistry, and it can affect your brain, it will change you on a cellular level on the DNA level on a hormonal level, because of the chemistry in your brain.

Céline Remy 16:22
And those negative thoughts are automatic, you know that you don’t think about the ways that you spin and spin things around will affect you negatively.

Kevin Anthony 16:31
Yeah, well, basically, what you’re doing is programming a negative response into your, into your system, right? So that you don’t even have control over it. Like it just happens as this thing happens. And then boom, you go into this negative reaction.

Céline Remy 16:45
Also, here’s another thing that can come up from these behaviors, it creates resentment. And unfortunately, that’s a place that most couples who are unhappy find themselves in they have years and years of resentment piled shoved under the rug. And still always right there, you know, all you have to do, you don’t even have to lift the rug anymore.

Céline Remy 17:06
It’s so high that you see it all the time, but you pretend it’s not there. And that is really it’s, it’s kind of like a super, it’s, it’s nasty, it’s a nasty behavior that affects everything. And everyone.

Kevin Anthony 17:25
Yeah, we’re going to talk about a scenario and how men and women tend to react in such a scenario in just a little bit. And that whole resentment piece is going to be big in that.

Céline Remy 17:38
So ultimately, these behaviors are not sustainable, it’s not something that you can do in the long run. So you can just keep doing that because it won’t work. And it will create too much resentment, disappointment, anger, and all of these, like bitterness that will rot your relationship from the inside out.

Kevin Anthony 17:57
Yeah, immediately. If you see any relationship where they’re chronically in habitually employing one of those three methods that we talked about, for getting what they want, you’re going to see a very unhappy relationship, they just are they always, you will never find a successful, thriving relationship that uses those as the primary as one of the primary ways that they get their needs met.

Céline Remy 18:25
Well, and ultimately, it breeds dishonesty, into your relationship and to yourself, because you are hiding some things, really, you’re not able to express what you want. You’re not asking clearly you might be holding back who you are. And that’s not being allowed inauthentic.

Kevin Anthony 18:43
Yeah, well, what happens is this is you didn’t do what they wanted you to do, you know, you didn’t do what they wanted you to do. And now you know that there’s going to be consequences to that the complaining is going to come in the bitching is gonna come in, right? You don’t want to deal with that. Because that sucks, right? So what are you gonna do?

Kevin Anthony 19:03
You’re gonna think of every way you can try to get out of it and minimize it. Make up an excuse for it. I know, she’s pissed that I didn’t take out the trash. Okay, what can I say? You know, my friend called and he was in a dire situation and he absolutely needed you to know, some blah, blah, blah, whatever, you create some bullshit excuse, right?

Kevin Anthony 19:26
That’s just a simple example. But there are lots of little, little white lies in little half-truths and little manipulations that you will start to employ to try to avoid the negative consequences of the situation.

Céline Remy 19:43
That does not sound like fun. Alright, before we dive into some of the fun things and discussions between how women do it, how men do it, how it affects each other. Let’s do a little break for our sponsor, and we have a special invitation to all the couples who are listening to today’s show, if you find yourself stuck in a rut, and you feel like you are going through the daily motion instead of connecting the way you used to.

Céline Remy 20:09
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Céline Remy 20:34
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Kevin Anthony 20:46
Yeah, if you do any of these things, we will help you break it.

Céline Remy 20:51
So let’s talk a little bit about how she does it. So I’m going to do the female part.

Kevin Anthony 20:56
Alright, so Okay, so the female has a need that she wants to be met, there’s something that she wants him to do.

Céline Remy 21:04
So most of us one thing for sure is the masculine is very single-focused, and he focuses on one thing at a time, we are having what’s called diffuse awareness where we can see multiple things happening at once, and we can juggle multiple things. Now, neither one of them is better, they just are different wirings and different things to approach life.

Céline Remy 21:27
What that means is that for us, usually, we always have our awareness on where we like, we know that there’s dinner to be made, and there’s out in the kitchen needs to be swept and the laundry is there. And maybe you haven’t had sex in two weeks like we can have all of these things happening at the same time in our brain and aware of that,

Kevin Anthony 21:50
I feel so sorry for you. It’s just way too much to try and juggle.

Céline Remy 21:58
So when that happens, we tend to feel overwhelmed, we tend to feel tired. There’s also often a part where women think that nobody gets done the way they do. So things need to happen right, then I’m just going to have to do it my way, you know because he’s never doing it the proper way anyway.

Céline Remy 22:17
So usually, we tend to reach a point where we are over our heads in terms of what we can do and the time we have, and our energy level. So the solution that usually happens is once a woman reaches that point, she will start to complain, to nag to bitch to just tried to see like, if he sees how unhappy I am, then he’s obviously going to do something different because he can see I’m unhappy. And that sucks.

Kevin Anthony 22:55
Yes, but there are some problems with this strategy. First of all, we may not have any idea why you are so unhappy. Second of all, and this is this one is actually pretty, pretty darn common, which is the man is actually genuinely trying. He may not be doing what she actually wants, but he thinks like he’s doing his best he thinks he’s doing what needs to happen.

Kevin Anthony 23:24
And then when she comes out with the nagging in the bitching in the complaining, he starts to get very resentful because he’s like, but I’m working so hard. I’m doing all this stuff. I’m really trying here. And she’s not recognizing it. And she’s just complaining. And I feel unseen. unappreciated. Right. So this is the thing I think that a lot of women don’t realize is like, men in general, you know, this is a generality. But men, in general, do actually want to make their women happy.

Kevin Anthony 24:02
We like to be the knight in shining armor, we like to save the day by fixing the thing or solving the problem, because that’s who we are, in general, again, in general. And you know, if you might be a female, but you identify as a male and masculine energy, then this probably applies to you also. But in general, masculinity is a problem solver, fix stuff, build stuff, solve problems, that’s generally what we do.

Kevin Anthony 24:33
And we like to do that. So anything that a woman can do to help us do that job, makes us happy, like giving us the right information. Like being very clear with us. I don’t want to go too much into it because we’re getting into what you should do. But the idea is that if you make it easier for him to do that, he will most likely do that and you will most likely get what you want.

Céline Remy 25:03
So what happens when I complain? Because I’m not getting the help and support that I want a need from you. Like, what’s your reaction? So as a woman, I’m thinking, if I complain hard enough, he’s going to change, and usually with other women, that’s how we communicate.

Céline Remy 25:19
If we complain, then girlfriends are like, Oh, yeah, then we should change it because she’s not happy. And that’s how it works way too in females, but doesn’t seem to work in them. male-female relationship planning

Kevin Anthony 25:31
never works. Never, ever, under any circumstances does complain work? for a couple of reasons. If we didn’t do what you wanted us to do, and let’s just say because we were being lazy, and we just prefer to sit on the couch and watch the TV, and we just didn’t do it. Well, the complaining doesn’t work in that case, because now we know we didn’t do what we should have done.

Kevin Anthony 25:54
And we kind of feel bad about it, to begin with, and you’re just making it worse. But let’s just say that the scenario we already talked about happened, which is, you thought you actually did what she wanted, and you put in the effort. And now she’s still complaining, and now you have resentment because you’re like, but I did exactly what she like, why didn’t you if that’s what you really want, why didn’t you just tell me, I would have been happy to do it.

Kevin Anthony 26:20
If I just know now she’s yelling at me and bitching at me. And I like really like I was really trying my hardest. So that’s another possibility. And there’s one more that I was thinking about to hold on, hold on, hold on, I’m getting ahead of myself. It was, we didn’t do it. And we know we didn’t do it. The other one is, we tried our best to do it. And that just for whatever reason, that wasn’t what she wanted. Oh, the other one was this. We wanted to do it.

Kevin Anthony 26:56
But we had so many other things happening and so many other responsibilities that it was just too much for us to handle. And this is a common one. Also, in today’s modern world, you know, the way this tends to show up is, you know, the woman might, who might normally do say a lot of the cleaning, or a lot of the cooking and those are things that maybe are, are her roles that she tends to take on. And I know I’m being stereotypical here, it’s just an example.

Kevin Anthony 27:26
So calm the fuck down. And, you know, maybe she is just overwhelmed because something’s going on with the kids or her job got particularly busy, or she had health issues, or whatever it was, and she wasn’t able to do some of those things. So now she’s expecting you as the man to step up and pitch in and do some of those things. Now over here is the guy you’re like, Hey, I get it. I understand she can’t do it all.

Kevin Anthony 27:54
And neither can I. Because I’m working all day long. I’m stressed out, I’ve got nothing left in the tank, right. And so she’s bitching and complaining because I’m not stepping up and pitching in. And really, the only reason that is is that I’m tapped out. I got nothing left.

Céline Remy 28:13
So when we were putting the show notes together, I was trying to think about what are some of the behaviors that are more typically feminine, and ones that are more masculine? And I wasn’t quite sure that how is going to show up? Because I was asking Kevin, I was like, hey, but how do you do it?

Céline Remy 28:30
Because I know as a woman, we will complain will nag will bed sometimes will even be passive-aggressive or well do like withholding of sex like these are behavior. And when I was thinking about it for the masculine, if he wants her to do something, I was thinking that some of the things that I’ve seen happen are the cold shoulder treatment, which is like if I don’t talk to you, then you know, you should tell something’s wrong. And I think also the passive aggressiveness that does happen independently of the gender.

Kevin Anthony 29:04
Yeah, you know that, from a guy’s point of view, we don’t generally go to the cold shoulder thing unless we’ve asked a couple of times and we’ve just it’s fallen on deaf ears, as they say, like, we get nothing back. So then sometimes guys will just be like, forget it, you know,

Céline Remy 29:20
but what’s interesting is then the more cold shoulder or like the Forget it, then she doesn’t feel seen and appreciated. And that’s like the biggest thing for women.

Kevin Anthony 29:31
I’m not saying this is a good strategy. I’m just saying that sometimes this is what happens and why

Céline Remy 29:37
you’re stuck in this cycle because the less attention and appreciation you give her, then the more she’s going to try to poke at you in whatever way to get a reaction and that’s where a lot of people are stuck in this type of behavior. Yeah, I’ve

Kevin Anthony 29:52
seen that dynamic many, many, many times. Yep. The harder she pokes the quieter he becomes until at some He breaks and then there’s screaming.

Céline Remy 30:03
So how do you what should you do instead, if you find yourself stuck in some of these dynamics, if you recognize yourself, because unless you’ve done work, pretty much all of us had to go through learning to unlearn those bad habits that we’ve learned and change ourselves. I know that it’s possible because I was definitely much more of complaining or nagging or bitching, just because I was the role model I had.

Céline Remy 30:28
Until I changed and then everything else changed in my life, and the quality of the man and the quality of my relationship and all of this, everything changed. So I’ve done it, so you can do it. That’s the good news, but it will require some effort. So number one, you’re going to have to be honest with yourself that there’s a problem that always starts with awareness because unless you’re aware of that, you can’t change that.

Céline Remy 30:54
But let’s look at our steps. So the first thing to do is to, instead of complaining start to explain how or why the change of behavior would affect you in a positive way. And so rather than saying you didn’t take out the dishwasher, or, or the trash, I know, they are simple examples that we take. And it’s rather sad. Okay, I had, I have a super busy day, and I need some help because I am exhausted.

Céline Remy 31:25
And there are a few things that still need to be done in the house. Here are free chores that we haven’t finished. You know, can you help me with that? or which one would you like to do?

Kevin Anthony 31:37
Well, and I would actually take it a step further, because that honestly, a lot of times is not quite enough to motivate us. So. So what you need to do in that particular situation is not just say, I’m exhausted, and, you know, I need you to help, because he might be over there going,

Céline Remy 31:57
I’m exhausted.

Kevin Anthony 31:58
I’m exhausted to like, whatever, you know, tell me something new. Right. Right, exactly. So so I think an even better way to take it to the next level would be, you know, as it says, Here affect you in a positive way. So it’d be like, I’m really exhausted, and all this stuff needs to still happen. But if you were able to help me with a few of these things around the house, then I could distress faster and easier.

Kevin Anthony 32:27
And then I could really show up for you, I could maybe give you a massage. And I’m not saying this is not getting into the coercion where if you do this, I’ll do that. But but but just letting him know that you know if you could just get a little help that you’d be able to de-stress and when you are less stressed, you can really show up in positive ways in the relationship.

Céline Remy 32:49
Yeah, like you’re hornier, and you want more sex.

Kevin Anthony 32:52
But again, not from a court, not from a, if you do this, then I’ll have sex with you. It’s it if you do this, and I have the downtime to relax. Soon as my stress level comes down, I’ve noticed that my horny level goes up. And I would really love to be able to show up for you in that way in this relationship. But I can’t do it when I’m always exhausted.

Céline Remy 33:15
And I love this because as you said, it’s a fine line between coercion, and being able to express yourself like this. Again, it’s not having any attachment to the outcome. And it’s also about being clear about your needs. But the other part that’s important is that if he does help, do not feel your day, we have a task, there is something about your to-do lists that will always always be there, you never come to a place of everything is done. So you just have to learn to live with things. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 33:47
well, that’s important, right? Because if he does do those things, and then you fill the rest of your time with other things, and you’re still exhausted is going to go but but but but

Céline Remy 33:56
the deal correctly. So that

Kevin Anthony 33:59
takes us to number two, which is to be straightforward with your requests. So I’ll give you another example. She needs help around the house. It’s not good to say, Look, I’m just I’m overwhelmed. I’m stressed that I need you to help me more around the house. You never helped me. Well, what does help more around the house mean? Does that mean she wants you to clean the entire house?

Kevin Anthony 34:25
Does that mean she wants you to start doing some of the cooking? Or does that mean she simply needs you to take the trash out? Like what really does that mean? And the problem is if you leave it vague and open like that, then he’s going to create his own interpretation of what he thinks that means, which can be very disappointing

Céline Remy 34:43
because they might not be at all what you had in mind,

Kevin Anthony 34:46
right? But now he thinks he’s done it and you’re pissed off because he hasn’t done it. And then we get back into that circle of resentment and complaining and presenting complaining.

Céline Remy 34:55
So step number three then is to communicate clearly What it is that you want. And that’s what we were starting to describe and having clear, concise direct is the best way to communicate with a man, by the way. So always being clear, concise, direct, if you want to have better results.

Kevin Anthony 35:15
Absolutely. And honestly, you know, a lot of the scenarios we’re talking about here are how does the woman get the man to do something around the house, and but those are just a few examples. They’re just easy ones that most people can identify with. It really goes both ways. It absolutely goes both ways. And so you know, if a man is trying to get his needs met, and having a woman do the things that he wants, again, the same thing, don’t complain, let her know how this would positively affect you.

Kevin Anthony 35:50
And how she may also benefit from it. Be straightforward with what it is that you want from her, and communicated very, very clearly. So there’s the straightforward, which is the instead of beating around the bush, go, wow, you know, there’s just, there’s something going on, just come out and say, Look, I have this need, that needs to be met, and it’s not being met.

Kevin Anthony 36:09
And then you want to communicate super clear about what that need is, what things the other person could do to meet that need. Right? Don’t just say, Well, I have a need that’s not met. Okay, great. Like, you want to be really clear. Okay, here’s what would work for me.

Céline Remy 36:28
The other thing to remember is, your partner doesn’t have to be the one to fulfill the need. Sometimes we expect our partners to fulfill all of our needs like you’ve signed up to be on together this adventure. And so they have to fulfill all of our needs. But sometimes the communication could just be around, how do we get to me getting what I need and want?

Céline Remy 36:53
Like, I don’t want to force you into that, you know, maybe it’s like, like, I’m not going to ask you to massage me every week. So maybe here we could get a, I don’t know, we get a membership at this place. And we get a free massage with it. And you can

Kevin Anthony 37:09
hire the young kid across the street to take your trash out for you.

Céline Remy 37:13
Yes,

Kevin Anthony 37:14
you know you don’t have to be the one to do it. But you just have to come up with creative solutions that work for everyone.

Céline Remy 37:19
Absolutely. But I thought it was an important one to remember that if you come without having an expectation that it’s your partner that needs to do it or do it in a certain way, then you can have much better solutions.

Kevin Anthony 37:32
Yeah. And I think that leads us right into the next one on the list, which is, to be honest about your part in the issue or situation. Because too often it’s all about, they’re not doing this, or he didn’t do that, or she didn’t do that, right? You need to be really honest about how are you showing up in this dynamic that is either inspiring or demotivating them from doing what it is that you want. And that one is really hard for people to do.

Céline Remy 38:00
But I love that you brought the term inspiring because that leads to our next step. Which is be sure to appreciate the areas where the person is doing a good job. And this is what inspiration is all about. It’s focusing on the appreciation on all the things that are working, because even if there are a lot of things that you guys are struggling with, there are areas that are working, and you need to start to switch things around happy people have a balance where they have an 80% positive and 20%, negative.

Céline Remy 38:30
Unhappy people tend to be the opposite. So at negative and 20 positives, you need to switch that around in your brain. Remember, we talked about the answer to the automatic, automatic negative thoughts, you need to stop when you have a channel, that’s the crappy Channel. In your mind, you just need to change the channel into something more positive and redirect until it becomes natural.

Céline Remy 38:56
And if you start like, I think, in my relationships, I’ve seen the growth that happens through appreciation versus complaint is so so different. And what happens when you focus on the positive is everybody gets happier and feels happier to

Kevin Anthony 39:14
Yeah, and I want to say, you know, you’re the one that in our relationship introduced the appreciation game, which is something that we teach all of our couples, and I think it’s fantastic. It’s had such a positive benefit on our relationship. We put it out there on podcasts and videos, we teach it to our clients.

Kevin Anthony 39:30
And what’s really cool now is I’m starting to see other people out there teaching it as well. And that’s great. I mean, we don’t own it. I’m sure somebody invented it before we did too. But I’m just really excited to see other people out there passing this along because it is such a powerful tool.

Céline Remy 39:49
And in case you haven’t heard it, the appreciation game just every day, share with each other free things that you love about each other and you don’t have to be stuck at free. Sometimes you can be greedy Like me and ask for seven, anything in between, but at least do free and do those every day.

Céline Remy 40:06
And it could be any time during the day. Or it could be just before you fall asleep if you sleep together because it’s really nice way to focus on something positive because usually, the last thoughts we have before we fall asleep is what we’re going to think about during the night. So if you focus on the positive things about your partner, you’re going to think happy things and happy thoughts and dreams.

Kevin Anthony 40:26
Yeah, you’ve even asked for a million a few times here or there,

Céline Remy 40:29
I’ve settled for 1000. And then I said, Okay, I’ll take them, you know, you’re going to like, you can just go straight with 10 would be too much. But if you go like from a million to 10, you go like, I can do tense,

Kevin Anthony 40:44
bargaining, right, you always set the price high, and then you make it sound like they’re like stealing your firstborn child when they give you their offer, and then you meet somewhere in the middle.

Céline Remy 40:54
Well, let’s talk about that last step here, realize that many times people are doing the best they can, even if it’s not up to your standards. And so especially when you’re in a relationship, like assume the best from your partner, like know that that’s the doing their best, and our best will vary depending on our health, on our energy on times we are in life, you know, and if you assume they did their best, then you can have more compassion.

Kevin Anthony 41:23
Absolutely. And you know, we’re not, we’re not saying to, to just always say, Oh, they must have, you know, because sometimes people are lazy, sometimes people don’t keep their word, and they don’t do stuff. But a lot of the time, like, this is what we observe in, in relationships, when we’re working with people, is that most of the time, they actually genuinely are doing their best they’re trying.

Kevin Anthony 41:49
And you know, from our point of view, sometimes as coaches and teachers were sitting there going, who that’s really not very good, but we can at least say they’re trying. And there is absolutely something to be said, For in good faith, trying, like you’re doing the best you can with what you have, you know, and there’s always room for improvement. So you keep working on it, you keep practicing.

Kevin Anthony 42:15
But if you can realize that if you can really take a step back from the triggers of the situation and realize he or she is doing the best they can, with where they’re at at this point in their life, you can have a little bit more compassion, you will maybe get triggered less, right. And you can work more as a team to try to improve both of you.

Céline Remy 42:42
So if there are only two things you’re taking away is stop complaining, bitching moaning, and negativity. As a matter of fact, make a commitment to not do it for 3060 days. And stick to that not share that with your partner. And then introduce the appreciation game of at least three things that you love and appreciate about one another as a daily practice. If you do this, it will change your relationship.

Kevin Anthony 43:08
Yeah, and I’m going to refer you back to the interview we did with john gray as well. Because if you want some more, really great examples and tips on how to do some of this, go back and listen to that episode. It was packed full of good advice on how to do a lot of what we just talked about. So please go back and listen to that

Céline Remy 43:29
episode 156. How to cope with stress in relationships with dr. john gray. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 43:35
and, you know, titles are, how do you really encapsulate some of the ideas that we covered in there and one title, you know, it’s not just about dealing with stress. It’s about everything that we’ve talked about so far. And then some so it’s worth listening to.

Kevin Anthony 43:51
Alright, everybody, that’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you like this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 44:08
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 44:22
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 44:24
And remember, you’re amazing