Bad Sex Habits You Need To Change: Stop Having Sex Like You Did When You Were A Teenager

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.

Alright, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 322 and it is titled, bad sex habits. You need to stop having sex like you did when you were a teenager. So the impetus for this episode, what inspired me to make this episode, was just having a conversation with a friend and listening to the things they were telling me about basically how they have sex, how they choose to have sex, and how they actually do have sex. And I was just kind of shaking my head, thinking that’s pretty much how a teenager would do it. Now, this particular individual happens to be in their 50s. And I was thinking to myself, wow, people in their 50s are still doing things the same way that they did them when they were basically teenagers. Now, obviously, one person isn’t enough of a reason, right? Because it could just be one, you know, outlier person who hasn’t, you know, figured this out yet.

However, I will say that I have seen this a lot in practice as well. When you are coaching people on how to improve their sex life, you see that they have a lot of habits that have been left over from things they learned early on when they started their sexual journey, and they’ve never let go of them, improved upon them, changed them, anything like that. I’ve also seen this. There was another popular sex educator out there who had a TV show for a little while, a certain number, like five episodes or something like that, they did, and in that one of the couples that they worked with, the guy actually said in the show, yeah, I’m pretty much just doing the same thing that I’ve been doing since I was a teenager.

So I share these as examples because I don’t want you to think, Ah, well, I’m not doing any of those things. That’s just, you know, that weird guy you were talking to, and it’s like, no, lots of people are still doing things the way that they did when they were teenagers. The problem is that it’s not really serving you. And so we’re gonna, that’s what we’re gonna get into in this show. I’m gonna talk about habits that men pick up and need to change, and I’m gonna talk about habits that women pick up and need to change. And of course, when I talk about each one, I’m gonna talk about what you could be doing better. So we’re going to talk about what the bad habit is and how you can do better, and hopefully, you will learn something here that will significantly improve your sex life.

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Okay, so as I stated at the beginning, most people will start having sex in their late teens, or early 20s. That’s pretty much the norm. Some people start a little earlier. Some people start a little later. I get it, but that’s kind of the norm for most people, anywhere from 15 to 20 ish. 21 ish, that’s kind of the main zone where people start having sex. So this is often where they start to learn their techniques, and this is also where they start to develop habits. I. However, as I also mentioned, these techniques and habits that you may have learned early on do not continue to serve you as you get older, and we often see many people doing the same things over and over again, we have to realize that, you know, and it may be a little bit better now, although not necessarily. When I was growing up, I did not have access to good information around sexuality. It was, you know, if anything, a very short like, here’s the birds and the bees don’t ever do it. It’s terrible, that sort of thing.

So pretty much everything that you learn about having sex and how to have sex comes from either hearsay, friends, you know, older brothers, whatever porn back in the day, it was magazines or potentially porn videos, if you could get your hands on them, or just trial and error. And so you’re not really getting the best information. If you think about this, anything else that you want to learn you’ll actually even see this with people when it comes to musical instruments. So, you know, there’s somebody say that got professional lessons and learned how to play, versus somebody who, you know, just kind of picked one up one day and started noodling. Now, I’m not saying that you can’t just pick up an instrument, noodle around, and actually learn and play, because lots of people have done that throughout history, and some very famous people that you’ve met or heard of, I should say, not met. But the point is that it’s possible. But the reality is is for most people who take that route, they learn the basics, and, you know, they learn how to strum some chords. They may even learn, you know, a minor pentatonic scale or something like that. And they basically stay there from that point on.

And I can’t tell you, in the musical world how many times I’ve seen people in, you know, musicians groups say, Yeah, I’ve been playing for 30 years, but, you know, I just strum cowboy chords. Or, you know, I never really learned this, or I never really learned that, right? And I’m just using that as an analogy because sex often is no different from most people. They learn a few basics through trial and error, maybe a little hearsay, you know, maybe they read a book here or there, and they pretty much just get stuck at that level of you know, whether it’s sexual technique or desire, and it doesn’t really change however we as individuals, as we get older, we do change and the things that we want or the things that we need from sex or from our partner definitely change. And so if we ourselves or our partners are always stuck in sort of the old way of doing it, yeah, that can cause problems in the relationship. It often leads to basically just, you know, very infrequent sex or sex stopping altogether. Sometimes it ends up in, you know, relationships splitting apart because one person’s not satisfied.

I’ll say this also about using the analogy of music, which is that, you know if your development did stop early on when you learned the basics. Like, okay, now I know I can hold a guitar, I can strum it, I can play some songs like, and you kind of get stuck there, most likely, like, if you’re looking at the range of possibility in anything from, say, zero to 100 and in guitar, you learn how to strum some basic cowboy chords and maybe sing along with a song. Maybe you’re out of 10 out of 100 right? In this realm of possibility. Well, think about sex the same way think about the possibility of what sex could be. And I did an entire episode on, you know, this is what sex could be. Are you missing out? Go look that one up. If you’re if you’re like, What do you mean? What do you what sex could be? Go listen to that whole episode.

You’re not coming anywhere near the potential of what sex could be and how amazing it could be if you’re still stuck at that beginner level, right? So that guy that learned the cowboy chords, you know? Yeah, okay, he can play, and probably sitting around the campfire his friends love it, but he’s never going to get on stage in a stadium in front of 40,000 people and play, because he’s not at that level, right? I’m not saying you need to get on. The stage in front of 40,000 people and have sex, although you could, if you wanted to. What I am saying, though is that you know the range, the possibility of how sex could be and what you could experience in your life and relationship through really amazing lovemaking could be a whole lot more if you evolved the way that you have sex from what you learned early on.

All right, I think I sold it enough. Let’s get into the actual habits. Gonna break them down between men and women. We’re gonna start with the men first. No particular reason why I just started writing that first, because I’m a man, and it was really easy for me to sit down and come up with a list of things bad habits that men do. And so that’s why we’re starting with the men. All right, here we go. Number one, having sex with any woman who is willing. This is definitely something that young guys do. In fact, most young guys can’t even believe that some woman is willing to allow them to have sex with them, and any woman they can possibly have sex with unless there’s something really wrong with her, he will have sex with. The problem, though, is that you can’t have truly great sex with just anybody, and so it is absolutely worth your while if you’re really wanting to have great sex, to be more choosy of who you decide to have sex with. So as a man, you know that means looking for, you know, certain things in a woman, and what those things are depends on you and what you need as a man, right?

But, being pickier about who you choose to have sex with, as opposed to just having sex with any woman that’s actually willing is something that, of course, young and teenagers will do. There’s a woman who’s actually willing to have sex with you, and you’re like, okay, yeah, sounds good as a mature adult who wants to have you know what Kim Anami would call gourmet sex? You know what Celine and I used to call, out of this world? Fucking amazing. Blow Your Mind. Yada yada yada. Sex Kim’s is easy to remember, but to have that kind of sex, it really requires taking time to choose the right partner to have that kind of sex with. So that’s the first habit, man, you need to change, and men will still do this. You know, they could be, you know, 30s, 40s, 50s. They could be divorced after 20 years of marriage, and they’re back out in the dating scene, and they’re on the dating apps, and they’re just like any woman that says yes to a date with me and lets me take her back to her place or mine, I’ll have sex with right? That’s really not the way to go about it if you’re looking for good sex.

Next, not taking the time to make sex a whole scene, slash event. This is another thing, like, when people are young, you know, they don’t have privacy, they don’t have space, they don’t have their own homes, things like that. They’re trying to squeeze sex in here and there and not get caught. So sex always becomes this really sort of short thing that’s not well thought out there really isn’t any time taken to, like, Let’s lower the lights. Let’s put on some nice music. Let’s, you know, make it smell good in here with some incense or a diffuser or something. Let’s make it comfortable on the bed, you know, like, there isn’t a whole lot of forethought when it comes to doing those types of things. And so sex just becomes like, Okay, we’ve got 10 minutes, and you know, we can do it before somebody catches us, right? And you will notice that people tend to do the same thing again as they get older, sex becomes something really quick that just often will kind of happen spontaneously, and there isn’t really a lot of forethought in like, creating an intentional space for this.

Now, I get it not every single time that you have sex. Do you need to create a big intentional space? If I were to tell you that I don’t have sex at all until I take the time to set all that up, that would be a lie. There are times when sex does just happen spontaneously and you just roll with it, and maybe you didn’t have time to take care of that, and that’s okay, and you should make times where you do set that up and make it a whole. To event, a whole scene, if you will. This is something that women really appreciate and enjoy. So it’s another one of those things, which I will get to a little bit further down this list with, you know, the men and the habits, but it’s like when you’re young and you’re a man, you’re thinking mostly about yourself in this act, and not so much about your partner, even if you think you are. And so when it comes to setting a scene, making an event, the reason why I bring that up is because this is something that women really appreciate and enjoy and want in their lovemaking experience. And so it’s something that you want to go, oh, yeah, okay, maybe I don’t need that. Maybe it’s not something that’s really important to me, but it is something that’s really important to my partner.

All right. Next thinking sex is about the destination, and for men, the destination, of course, is the ejaculation. So this is another bad habit. I see this in tons and tons and tons of adults, sex is not about the ejaculation, especially when you learn how to separate your orgasm from your ejaculation as a man, and you start to realize that you can have multiple orgasms, and you can keep going and going and going, you suddenly realize that that you know several second long ejaculation and that intense peak experience isn’t actually as appealing as, say, an hour or two hours or whatever, of intense, energetic and physical lovemaking that just blows your mind, right and can potentially, if you choose, have an ejaculation at the end.

But too many people, or too many men specifically, really look at sex from the point of view of having sex to get to an ejaculation. The problem is you’re not enjoying the present moment as much as you could. You’re focusing too much on the ejaculation, which, of course, is also going to make it harder for you to control your ejaculation, which means you’ll probably ejaculate sooner rather than later, which means she’s probably not going to have enough time to get adequately turned on and get to her orgasm, which means she’s not going to be satisfied. If she’s not satisfied, she’s not really going to want to have sex with you. That’s that’s pretty much the downward spiral.

So you need to reframe your thinking here and realize that sex isn’t just about the destination. It’s not about the ejaculation. It’s actually about the entire experience itself. This is also why things like picking the right woman to have sex with is important, or setting the scene are important, because this is a journey that the two of you are co-creating together that can truly be one of the most amazing things you can experience in a human body. If you choose the right person, you take the time to make it a whole scene event, you drop the expectation that it’s all about the destination, and you really treat it as this amazing and wonderful journey that it is okay, thinking about the destination, of course, leads me to the next one on the list, which is ejaculating too early. This is another bad habit.

This happens for a lot of reasons. In men, it starts early on, before we even start having sex. It starts with us. You know, learning that it feels good to masturbate. However, of course, where can a young boy who has recently discovered his penis usually find the space to masturbate now, probably in the bathroom, or, you know, hoping that his mother doesn’t come up the stairs, you know when he’s in the middle of it. So there’s always this rush to hurry up and get it done so that there isn’t somebody that catches them doing it. Because, oh no, it’s so bad we must chastise our children for masturbating, right? So that’s one of the ways in which young boys learn to ejaculate too quickly. Porn use is another one.

Porn use really trains you to ejaculate early. This is a big problem with adult men as well. And then, of course, just never actually learning how to control so it’s a learned skill, like people think, well, I know how to move my body, yeah, but there are a ton of things that a professional, you know, kinesiology, you know, person could teach you. Right? They could teach you all kinds of things about proper posture and how to move your body in a way that’s going to be beneficial for your body as opposed to hurting your body, right? So there’s a ton of stuff that you probably just never really learned about how to last longer or how to be good in bed. But anyway, ejaculating too early is something that is a bad habit that you learn early on, that you absolutely need to shift. There are lots of ways to do that. Obviously, my power mastery courses that I always promote at the beginning of these shows. There is a course in there called Master Your ejaculation, and that will teach you that.

All right, next, another bad habit, getting through foreplay as quickly as possible. For most men, foreplay is that thing that you just have to do in order to make her allow you to put your penis in. It’s like, yeah, she won’t let me put it in until I at least, you know, get her going a little bit, you know, and they want to pretty much move through it as quickly as they possibly can. This is absolutely the wrong way to look at this. Foreplay should be part of the journey. So I’ve been talking quite a bit here about the journey of the lovemaking process, and foreplay should be part of that, and it should be something that you enjoy. I absolutely love watching my woman get so turned on by simple things in foreplay, you know, sucking on her nipples, touching her body in certain places, oral sex, you know, using your hands, you know, talking to her in certain ways. You know, there’s a million things that you can do that are considered foreplay, from, you know, light touch and massage, you know, all the way up to, you know, intense oral sex and everything in between, you should absolutely love doing this. I’ve mentioned this many times in previous shows before because it’s just such a perfect way to look at it.

But I’ve brought up the fact that, you know, John Mayer wrote a song Your Body Is a Wonderland, and he’s singing about, you know, all the different parts of her body. That’s how you as a man should look at your woman’s body like. It’s a wonderland. It’s a playground, like, have fun. Try all the rides on it, right? You know, really have fun with it. So getting through foreplay as quickly as possible is a bad habit. The reframe that, of course, you want, is to look at her body as a playground, to remember that this is a journey, and to take your time and have fun with it. All right, next on the list, focusing too much on his pleasure and not as much on hers. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from him. I’m such a giver. Oh, I’m such a giver. All I do is give. I just give all the time. The reality is that it’s rarely ever true. It’s almost always a taking, even if it appears in the form of a giving. It’s almost always in the form of a taking, at least when somebody tells you what a giver they are, what most men end up doing is really focusing on their pleasure. As I said, they will not take a lot of time to set things up. They will rush through the foreplay as quickly as they can, and they will get to the penetration as quickly as they can. Focus on the destination. They’re off to the races, and there’s the ejaculation, right?

And that’s really, that’s all about them. And then they’re like, oh, yeah, that was great, you know? And she’s over there going, that fucking sucked, even if she didn’t say it, it’s probably what she was thinking. So in any beautiful, wonderful, connected, love-making experience, you need to make sure that you are also focusing on your partner’s pleasure. This is a partner activity, and if you want your partner to keep doing it and to really enjoy doing it, there’s going to need to be some pleasure in it for her as well. So the bad habit is focusing way too much on your pleasure, or sometimes exclusively on your pleasure, and not really thinking about her pleasure. A lot of times, guys, I think about her pleasure, you know, I did this and I did that, and it’s like, yeah, you used your fingers on her just to get her open enough that you could put your penis in. And that was it, right? Or the same thing with the oral sex, or whatever it is. So you really want to take the time to focus on her pleasure. And this goes hand in hand with the fact that it is a journey. All right, the next one on the list is not being present with her. This is another thing too. So this happens really young. You know me. For most young people, especially today, it’s gotten so much worse. Really, have difficulty concentrating focusing, and being present in anything in life. And this goes for sex as well. However, this was always sort of an issue with younger men. Why?

Because they were so focused on their own pleasure, or potentially even so focused on just trying to hold their ejaculation so that they could last a little longer. But whatever the reason is, often men are not present with their women. And let me tell you, if you’re not present with her during the lovemaking process, she knows it. She knows it. If you were present, and then suddenly you lost it a little bit, and you started zoning out and thinking about porn or whatever it is. She knows it. She noticed the second you checked out. She was absolutely aware of it. So this is another bad habit that people pick up when they’re really young because they’re focused, you know, they’re like, I don’t know, counting something in order to distract their mind or thinking about baseball stats or, you know, whatever, to try to maintain their stamina so that they don’t ejaculate too early. That’s one reason. Another reason is they go off into fantasy land thinking about someone else or porn or some other act or something. It’s another reason to not be present.

But this is a really, really bad habit. It’s definitely one that you want to break when you ask women, and I have when you ask women what one of the most important things to them is, when it comes to sex, it’s having a partner who’s really present with her. It’s the piece that most women say is often lacking in the piece that they most want out of it. So yeah, it’s a really important one. All right, and the last bad habit is not giving post-sex care. So of course, you’ve all heard or seen in movies, you know it’s like you jump in, you have sex, he ejaculates, rolls over and goes to sleep, or rolls over and has a cigarette and then goes to sleep, right? It’s like, sort of the classic example. Oftentimes, when you’re young again, you don’t have a lot of space, you don’t have a lot of time. It’s like the act is done. You better hurry up and get cleaned up and put your clothes back on before somebody catches you. That’s one potential reason, but it’s something that a lot of people do. It’s like, oh, sex is over. Okay, hurry up. We’re done.

The reframe on that one is, remember, again, this is a journey. It’s a journey. And in that journey, after you have decided the physical intercourse is over, doesn’t mean that the intimacy is over. And so what we would call post-sex care is just another way of saying, you know, hold each other, look into each other’s eyes, talk to each other, continue to touch each other’s bodies. There are lots of things that you can do to check-in. How was that for you? You know, are you doing okay? Are you needing anything else, right? So the bad habit is, of course, just getting done with sex and moving on to whatever is going on in life. The reframe on that is to think about the fact that just because the physical penetration or physical touching of genitals is over doesn’t necessarily mean that the journey of the sexual encounter is over. All right, there you go. Those are a list of sex habits that men often learn early on in their life, that they continue on as they get older, and they are things that you really do want to change, if you want to shift from having, you know, ordinary, mediocre or maybe not So great sex, and bring it more into the realm of truly great sex. All right, so we don’t want to just pick on the man here. We have some things that the ladies can shift also, and I’m going to cover those in just a moment. But first short break for my second sponsor.

Are you a couple? Are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make, but just don’t know how maybe you think there is nothing that can be done if you are not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and schedule a strategy call with me today so we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be, so you can have it all your way. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and book your strategy call today. Obviously, some of the things that we will work on is breaking some bad habits. We will, of course, work on instilling new habits and teaching you new skills in the context of your relationship together. So yes, this is about sort of fixing some of the problems, but it’s also about having a lot of fun and teaching you really how to have the sex life that you have always wanted to have, that you know is possible, but you just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

All right, okay, so now let’s move on and talk about some sex habits that women learn early on that they need to change. Number one choosing the wrong or bad men to have sex with. Now this is similar to the first one with the men. However, the first one with the men was basically having sex with any woman who was willing. In this case, most women, when they’re young, will not just have sex with any man who’s willing, because every man is willing, and therefore she can have sex with everyone if she wants. However, what women do tend to do is choose the wrong men to have sex with. So they’re you know, potentially men that don’t treat them well, potentially men that are only interested in their own gratification. You know, men who will not give them the intimacy they require, the aftercare they require, men who don’t have the skill level, the emotional maturity.

So that’s the first thing that women tend to learn early on. So early on they, you know, start choosing men to date and have sex with, and if they don’t, if they don’t have good judgment in the beginning, if they haven’t really learned how to pick a good man, that habit can continue for decades and decades in your life. And I have seen this a lot with women. I’ve been working with a lot of women this past year, and I can tell you, I have so many conversations with women. Who are they describing this man, I’m thinking, wow, this man is absolutely all wrong for you in every way, and they’re trying so hard to justify why they’re with this person and why they need to make it work. And unfortunately, a lot of the time, I’m just like, Okay, first we have to talk about whether or not this person really is the right person for you. So we talk about where they’re in alignment, where they’re not in alignment, and we look at as gently as we can whether or not the things that are out of alignment are possible to be pulled into alignment or not. And then sometimes we just we have to take a little bit of a road to get them to the point where they realize that they’ve made a bad choice and that fixing it is probably not in their best interest.

So unfortunately, I see that a lot now, of course, you know, if somebody’s absolutely got their heart set on this individual, we do what we can to try to help them make it work to the best of their ability, but choosing the wrong man or bad men is absolutely a pattern that I see with women, and a lot of times it’s learned early on. And so the reframe on that is, you know, you have to get better at being able to see through men’s facades, their disguises, their potential manipulations, but also knowing better exactly what it is that you want, and getting really clear on that. Because a lot of times, ladies, you think you know what you want, and then when you get it, you realize it’s not what you want, so getting better at understanding what it is that you want, and sometimes maybe it is what you want, but it’s not what you need.

So that’s something also is, you know, making sure that you’re really clear about what you want and what you need, and making sure that those two things are in alignment. All right, next, having sex too soon, with a new partner. This is definitely another bad habit. Now I will say this about this one. I don’t think this. There’s any specific time frame that you need to wait? This is actually a common question I get from women, because in our society, it’s like, if a woman has sex too early with a man, somehow she’s a whore and a slut and a this and a that. It’s like, but he’s doing the same thing. Why is that not the case for him? Right? So the reality is, there’s no time limit. You don’t have to wait X number of dates or weeks or months or anything like that. And I’ve talked about this in previous shows, what you really want to do is just make sure that you know the person well enough and you’ve established enough trust. Now, if this is somebody that you’ve known and has been in your friend circle for years, and you just started dating. Maybe you’re on the first date, you feel a certain level of safety with this person because you’ve known them for a long time. You know who they are. You know how they show up, right? And that may be perfectly fine.

And then, of course, the flip side of that is, you know, this might be somebody that you just met, somebody you’ve met on a dating app, right? You know basically nothing about this person other than the profile that they projected out to the world, which may be accurate and may be completely inaccurate. So my suggestion is for the ladies, take the time that you need to get to know him well enough to establish at least a basic level of trust and get to know whether or not he’s going to be able to meet those needs and wants of yours. So however long that takes, sometimes you can do it quickly. Sometimes it takes more time, I would say, Listen to your intuition. You all have it. Women tend to be a bit more connected to their intuition than men and tend to use it more often. So make sure that you do that. So the bad habit is having sex way too soon with somebody. The reframe is, to take the time that you need to make a good decision, however long that takes. All right, the next bad habit is not speaking up and asking for what you want.

Okay, this is a big one. This obviously happens. Well, doesn’t always happen really young, but it tends to happen really young, right? Most women and most just young people in general, don’t really have the maturity and the self-confidence to really speak up and be like, Okay, if we’re going to do this, here’s what I need from you. Here’s how I need you to show up, you know, I need you to make sure that you use a condom. I need you to, you know, start slowly with me. I need you to do whatever it is. And what happens a lot of times, is women just get used to not really saying things because I, you know, I don’t, I don’t want to piss him off, or, you know, I don’t want to embarrass him, or I don’t, I’m afraid to ask for that thing, because I think the thing that I want or need is weird, or, you know, I don’t. I don’t want to be a pain in the ass or whatever it is. A lot of times women won’t speak up and ask for what they want.

But this, of course, is a problem. Remember that sex is a co-creation, and you know, if you really want to have great sex in the kind of sex that you want, and that’s going to vary from person the person you’re going to have to speak up and ask, or at least tell, hey, here’s what I need. And these are things that you know during that period of time, however long that is, when you’re deciding whether or not you know you actually want to have sex with this person, you should be asking these types of questions, having these kinds of conversations. It’s okay early on, when you’re dating, to talk about these things, because sex is absolutely an important part of a healthy relationship. And so it’s perfectly okay to ask these questions, what kind of sex Do you like? Do you like this thing or that thing? How do you approach sex? You know that sort of thing.

So, yeah, you know, there’s, there’s a lot of reasons why women learn not to speak up and ask for what they want. I get it. I understand. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m just saying that this is a habit that you picked up early on that you do really need to change if you want to have great sex if you want to be fulfilled, and if you don’t want to be taken advantage of or used in some way. So that really goes along with, you know, taking the time that you need, as I mentioned earlier, and it goes along with choosing the right person. Because if you’ve chosen the right man to have sex with, you should easily be able to ask those types of questions, and you should be able to speak up for what you want. So you want to make sure you’re choosing the right man. You want to make sure you’re waiting the appropriate time before you have sex with him.

And then you want to make sure that you really speak up and let your partner know what it is that you need, what it is that you want, what is you like, what it is that you don’t like, all of that stuff. All right. The next bad habit that I see women doing is, yeah, going straight for the clitoral orgasm. Okay, I understand, ladies, why you do this. I do I get it, and I’m still going to tell you it’s a bad habit that you should change. Clitoral orgasms are great. There is nothing wrong with a clitoral orgasm. However, there are other kinds of orgasms you could be having that are just as good and potentially even better. So you could, of course, have G Spot orgasms, you could have cervical orgasms. Sometimes those other types of orgasms can be implosive instead of explosive. They can last longer. They can be more rolling. So there’s, there’s a lot of orgasmic potential that is untapped if you go straight for the clitoral orgasm. Now, why do so many women do this? Well, I think one of the reasons is because a lot of the men that they have had sex with throughout their lives are not capable of lasting long enough to get them to those other types of orgasms and or don’t possess the skills to help them get there.

And so, you know, look, I’ve said this more times than I can count over the 322 shows I’ve done, but the reality is, is that you know, if the average man lasts two to five minutes or three to seven minutes, depending on what study, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt, and say 10 minutes, and the average woman needs 20 to 30 minutes to reach her orgasm. Well, what is she going to do? She’s going to want to go as quickly as she can towards her orgasm, because if she doesn’t, there may not be an opportunity to get one. That’s the reality. And so a lot of women have trained themselves like, I got to go straight for that clitoral orgasm, because if I don’t, well, he’s probably going to come, and then sex will be over, and I will not be satisfied. That is a reality. And I get it. I understand why you’re going because, for you ladies, you’re like, hey, at least I get a quick clitoral orgasm is better than no orgasm. However, you’re never going to get to truly great sex, unless you can forego the initial, you know, short, explosive, clitoral orgasm that you know, Celine used to call the genital sneeze compared to the other orgasms. If you go straight for that, you’re not likely to get to the others.

Now, if you have a man who can’t take you there, well, that’s an issue, but you guys need to work together to help him get there. And you know, whenever I’m teaching a man how to last longer, I always include a portion about what she can do, because there are always things that you can do also to help him last longer. One of the other problems that I often see is that when you go straight for that blast-off genital sneeze, quick clitoral orgasm, you get your energy up really quickly, and you’ll often take him over the edge. And so one of the things that you can do to help him last longer is to keep your energy a little lower and don’t go straight for that clitoral orgasm until he has an opportunity to have that first non-ejaculatory orgasm that drops his excitement level down and gets him into his sweet spot so he can keep going. Then you can start to build up again. And I know of a woman who is having sex with a not-so-skilled man. This is, this is a big risk, right? Because you can try that and he might still ejaculate too early, and then you won’t get your clitoral orgasm.

But remember, this is a journey, and if you’re in a relationship that you care about and one that you want to stick around, it’s worth taking your time to take a few steps back a little bit with the sex experience in order to rebuild the sex that you’re having into good sex. So and you know, there are always ways that he can potentially give you a clitoral orgasm after the penetration. Or ways that you could give yourself one. So, yeah, don’t, don’t go straight for the clitoral orgasm. Take your time. Slow down, help him last longer, and then see if you can get to those much more intense and powerful orgasms. All right, another bad habit that I see women get into, and I understand this one too, and that is needing a vibrator to orgasm. This is another bad habit that often comes from the fact that their men cannot last long enough to take them to an orgasm. So what do they do? They’re like, well, I got to do something. And it’s like, All right, get out the vibrator. The problem, however, with this is that a lot of women then become reliant on the vibrator, especially depending on the type of vibrator they’re using. Some of them can be really intense, and they can actually overstimulate the clitoris, and you can actually end up desensitizing yourself so that you keep needing more and more intense stimulation in order to reach that orgasm.

And that can be a problem because that can make it even harder for you to have an orgasm through just regular penetration and intercourse. So again, I understand where this comes from. It’s a lot of time just comes from a need to, you know, get to an orgasm, and not having men who are able to get you there. But it can become a problem because it can desensitize you. It can actually sometimes make it more difficult for you to have orgasms, and it will also often take you straight for that, you know, short, explosive clitoral orgasm, and not allow you to get to the longer, deeper ones. Obviously, if you’re using something like a G Spot wand and using penetration and doing a masturbation practice like that, then your vibrator can help you get to that deeper orgasm. But when it comes to actual sex, sometimes a vibrator can actually be a problem.

All right, and the last one on the list not fully opening because you don’t trust him again. This is another one I completely understand. But one of the things that you see, and I don’t think a lot of women are actually aware that they’re doing this, but a lot of women will hold back their sexuality. They’ll hold back their orgasm, they’ll hold back the true power of their sexuality because what they’ve experienced in their life is every time they start to let it out, every time they start to open the floodgates, he can’t withstand it, and he ends up ejaculating, and sex is over. And so women have learned not to do that because it’s too much. It’s too powerful. It makes, you know, sex end faster than they want it to, and so they end up holding back. So there’s holding back the sexual energy, and then there’s also not really fully opening and receiving the man. I actually could have made those two separate things, but I’m kind of combining them here.

This is often because she doesn’t trust him, and it could be she doesn’t trust that he’ll be able to not ejaculate inside of her at the wrong time, or something like that. But it could also be that she just doesn’t trust him emotionally enough. So, you know, here’s the thing for you know, men, if you weren’t aware of this, you will be in ladies, if you haven’t thought about it this way, hopefully, this will kind of set a light bulb off, but the way that you have the most amazing, deep, powerful sex as a woman is you have to fully open to your man, and that means not just opening your vagina, but also opening your heart, opening energetically, just really receiving your man, all of him, all the parts of him, right, not just his penis.

And that is incredibly vulnerable, and it’s very hard for a lot of women to do. So a lot of women hold back and they do not fully open to their man. And of course, then they wonder why they can’t get to those deeper levels. They wonder why they don’t have cervical orgasms, or they can’t squirt, right? They don’t have G Spot orgasms. So. So that’s what it really takes to get to those levels. You have to really fully open, and it’s vulnerable. I get it, it’s vulnerable, and it requires a lot of trust, and most of the men that you’ve had in your life probably have not been strong enough to really show up for you in the ways that you need in order to be able to go there. But that’s again, something that the two of you can work on together. And again, if you’ve done a good job of choosing the right man, waiting long enough to have sex, speaking up and asking for what you want, forgoing the immediate or the short-term clitoral orgasm, and you’ve gotten the vibrators out.

If you can, if you do all of that stuff that I’ve already talked about, it should be significantly easier for you to really open up now, of course, there are other things you’ll probably need to do, like some really deep inner work, working on your trauma, and resolving any of that past trauma that still exists, whether it’s, you know, from your early life or your childhood, or early sexual experiences, or any sexual experiences, or whether or not it’s potentially carried over from you know, your ancestral line, which does happen, whatever it is, it’s probably also going to require doing some really deep work. However, it is absolutely worth it, because that’s when you really get to the levels of amazing. Blow your mind out of this world, fucking amazing sex. All right. There you go. That is bad sex habits you need to change. As I also said in the intro, stop having sex like you did when you were a teenager. If you can do those things if you can if you have any of those bad habits, if you can really shift them into the positive, you will see huge shifts in your sex life, I guarantee you that the quality and the quantity of the sex that you are having will improve. I guarantee you that, All right, everybody, that’s all I have for this episode. I hope that you liked it. I hope that you found it useful. I hope that you learned something, and I will see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!