How To Have Positive And Effective Sex Communication

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 320 and it is titled, How to have positive and effective sex communication. So this episode really comes from a listener who asked, please, would you consider making an episode on positive and effective sex communication, how to express our needs in a non-hurtful way, and how to manage when the masculine partner isn’t into sex or doesn’t want to put work into improving it, but you still have a good relationship overall. So that was a request made, and today, that’s what we’re going to talk about. I love, by the way, when listeners or clients or viewers on YouTube, whatever it is, when you actually make requests and ask for content that you want.

I love it absolutely, and I will make a note of it. I keep a list of all the requests, and I try to get to them when I can. Some of them don’t always make up an entire podcast show, so sometimes I’ll combine some of them into one episode. That’s what I do a lot with listener questions episodes. Sometimes I’ll make a YouTube video out of it instead of a podcast. But if it’s definitely something that requires more than 10 minutes of explanation, then I will definitely make a podcast. So I really appreciate that, so feel free to send those to me and just a quick sort of explanation, more than what I just read about what we’re going to talk about today, I want to go into the basics of good communication in a relationship, because there’s some foundation that needs to be laid first before we even begin to talk about communicating about Sex itself. Then, of course, I want to talk about some considerations that are specific to having a conversation around sex.

I also want to talk about what to do when your partner isn’t into sex because that was an additional part of the question, and what to do if your partner won’t put in the work to improve sex. So those are a couple of things I want to add in at the bottom, just to make sure I answered the whole question. But the bulk of this episode is going to be on how to really have great communication around sex. Sex is such an important part of any relationship that we really need to make sure that we’re able to clearly and effectively talk about it, and so so many people struggle, I mean, really struggle with having really good conversations around sex and sexuality. So we’re going to do what we can today to try and improve that.

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Okay, so you know, before we get into the. Basics of good communication in a relationship, I have to say, I’ve been doing a lot of interviews lately. I know sometimes people are like, Why do you do so many interviews? Just because I have the opportunity to hear from some of the most amazing experts in all things, sex, love, and relationship, and I’m as curious, hopefully as you are to learn about what they have to say. I want to bring you as many diverse viewpoints as I possibly can, and I really appreciate that these people are actually asking and wanting to come on this show and share their message.

So I have been doing a lot of interviews. When I do interviews, I don’t use the sound effects. And recently, somebody actually sent me a message and said, Hey, man, bring back the sound effects. They were such a good part of the show. I know some of you are going, Oh God, not the cheesy sound effects again. But yes, there actually was a request to bring back the sound effects. So here they are. I don’t know how much opportunity I will have to use them in this episode, because, you know, my sound effects, for the most part, are all just silly, you know, things, and we’re going to be getting into some pretty serious stuff today, but we’ll see if there’s an opportunity to throw it in throughout the show. I will do that. And thank you to the viewer on YouTube who said, please bring back the sound effects. So there they are.

Okay, the basics of good communication in a relationship, that’s where we need to start because there are certain things doesn’t matter what you’re talking about in a relationship, you gotta have this foundation, and if you have that, then you can pretty much talk about anything, although certain subjects may have some things that are specific to them. So basics of good communication in a relationship, number one, you need to create a space in the relationship where anything can be shared safely, literally anything. And this is so, so important. In a committed relationship, you and your partner both need to feel safe that you can bring up anything, anything. It doesn’t matter what it is, doesn’t matter how potentially difficult the subject might be. The problem is, if you don’t feel safe being able to bring anything up, you’re not likely to bring it up. If you don’t bring it up, that means you’re going to be holding it in, suppressing it, holding it back, and resentment is going to build, and the problems are most likely going to get worse. So it’s really important that you create a space in which anything can be shared safely.

So we’ll talk about this a little bit further on in the list, but just a couple of basics, of like, how do you create a space where anything can be shared? Well, first of all, you just got to state, look, you can come to me about anything, literally anything. I’m not going to get mad at you. I’m not going to overreact, I’m not going to judge you, I’m not going to blame you. I may not even try to, you know, help you or solve your issue, unless you want me to. Right? So setting those sort of ground rules for communication from the start. It’s so important, you need to have that container set so that your partner knows they can bring anything to you, anything that’s just so important. I can’t stress it enough. Okay, number two, all important conversations need to be had face-to-face. I cannot tell you how frequently I hear from people that I’m coaching that well, then he said this, and then he said that, and then, and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then at some point I’ll go Hold on a minute. How is this communicated to you?

Well, it was all over text and I’m just like, text message is the worst way to communicate. Text messages should literally be for things like I’m leaving now, I’ll see you in 30 minutes. Or can you pick up some extra whatever at the store? Right? Are you free for a video call? Like simple, basic stuff, you should never be having a serious or delicate conversation about your relationship or sex via text. I don’t know how much stronger I can possibly say that, but it is true, do not have these conversations via text. They should be face-to-face in person. If they can’t be face-to-face in person, then at least use some sort of video chat app, something where you can actually see the person’s face. Use FaceTime. Use signal. Will use whatever. There are plenty of them out there, but use something where you can actually see the person as well as hear their voice because there is a lot of non-verbal stuff that is part of communication. Communication isn’t just the words that we say, right? It’s the expression on our face. It’s it’s all kinds of like nonverbal cues, what our eyes are doing, you know what our lips are doing? You know what our body position is like tons of stuff that you just can’t get in, something like a text, and it’s really important.

I’m pretty sure at this point in life, everybody has had an experience where they completely misunderstood something that somebody wrote in a text. This is also why most of your social media erupt into arguments all the time, because people will type something and it was meant to be a joke, and then people don’t get that it was a joke because they miss all the nonverbal stuff that goes along with it, because it’s not there in just text, and then they start arguing. So do your best to have any of these delicate conversations face to face, or at least a video chat app the next one down would be a phone call, and there really isn’t anything else after that. There is no other acceptable form of communication for delicate communications around your relationship or sex outside of that like emails don’t count, texts don’t count, just don’t do it all right. Number three, remove all distractions and agree to give each other your full attention. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen couples like they’re in the car on the way to an event, and it’s like, now’s the time to have that discussion about the thing that’s bothering me about our relationship. When you’re about to go to an event, at least one person in the car is driving, which means they’re probably navigating and trying to make sure you arrive safely.

You know, potentially one of them’s putting their makeup on, just a million distractions going on. It’s just a terrible time to have this kind of conversation. It could be that the TV’s going in the background, or there’s maybe other people around, or whatever it is, you need to make sure that you remove all the distractions because it’s going to be difficult enough to really have this kind of conversation and not misunderstand each other, and not make assumptions or whatever. So you really want to make sure that you’re removing all distractions and that you’re agreeing to give each other your full attention and put the cell phones down. Turn the, you know, Sound off in the cell phone so you’re not hearing the text messages come in and ding or whatever. Turn it upside down so you don’t see it light up better yet. Put it in another room so you’re not tempted to pick it up and check it during the conversation. This is really, really important. Okay?

Number four, you need to approach every conversation as a team. The problem is, is that when you want to talk about something really challenging in a relationship, it’s usually like, okay, there’s something that I am not happy with in the relationship that you probably are okay with and now we’re on opposite sides, and we’re we’re two different teams, right? And that’s really not how these things should be approached. You should always approach these conversations as a team, and this is true of anything in a committed relationship, anything that you’re going to be doing in life, you should be approaching as a team, and you know, as a team, it means that this isn’t me against you. This isn’t me trying to get what I want from you or me trying to force you to be a certain way. This is us talking about a dynamic or a need in a relationship, and how the two of us can work together to create the desired outcome. That’s really what it’s about. And if you can’t see it from that point of view, honestly, you need to figure out a way to see it from that point of view before you have this conversation. So let’s just say I am the man, and I have one of the biggest complaints of all men, and that is, she never wants to have sex. I always have to initiate. And we don’t have enough sex, right? So we want to have that conversation.

Well, rather going into it from the point of view of, I’m the one not getting enough sex, and we need to figure out how to get her to have more sex. It’s like, no, we need to sit down and figure out, okay, in our relationship, I’m not feeling fulfilled sexually, so how can we work together for me to have my needs met? And honestly, the reality is, guys, in the overwhelming majority of cases, if she’s not giving you. Enough sex and you’re not feeling fulfilled. She’s probably not feeling fulfilled in her sexual relationship either. It’s just that she’s not willing to have bad sex or disconnected sex, or whatever it is to fulfill her need, like she’s willing to withhold sex in order to wait for the kind of sex that she really wants and needs. Whereas you’re like, just give me sex anyway, even if it’s not that great, right? The point really is, is that she’s probably not fulfilled either. So this is an opportunity for the two of you to work together to figure out, how can we both be fulfilled in our sex lives. Because honestly, if she was getting the kind of sex that she really wanted and she was feeling fulfilled, she would most likely want more of it, which means you’d get more sex, which means you would not be feeling like you’re not getting enough sex, right? So please approach these conversations as a team.

And you know that’s true of anything that’s going on in your relationship, not just sex. So you really want to look at it from, hey, we’re a team. We’re here to support each other. We’ve made that commitment. That’s why we choose to be together. How can we do that together? Okay, number five, you need to learn how to express your needs without blaming the other person. So remember what I said back in number one, creating a space in the relationship where anything can be shared. This is one of those things you need to make sure that the conversation doesn’t come across as blaming so if we bring it back to the example I just used, where the guy is complaining that he’s not getting enough sex. It’s like, I’m not getting enough sex because you never want to have sex, and because you always have a headache, and because you’ve always got an excuse, right? That’s blame, as opposed to saying, hey, you know, sex is really important to me, and it’s a way that I feel connected to you. It’s a way that I bond with you. It’s a way that I move the stress of my job, you know, is by being sexually active. And I’m wondering how we can potentially improve our sex life, right?

So, you know, you got to approach it from that way of like, here’s a need I have, and I want to work together with you to figure out how I can get my need met, as opposed to my needs not being met, and it’s all your fault, right? That’s what you don’t want to do. So figure out how to express your needs without blaming usually, you know, a need will be like, Well, I don’t get enough sex. Like, let’s say that’s a man. Let’s go on the other side for a woman. Well, the need might be, that you never satisfy me. I don’t want sex because you never satisfy me, right? You could flip that around and say, Well, you know, I haven’t been that into sex, because the sex we’ve been having doesn’t really work for me, and I would love for us to work together and figure out a way for it to work for me. Because the reality is this, it might be that you know, you aren’t actually performing well in sex, and therefore her needs aren’t met.

But it might be that the things that you’ve always done in sex that worked for other partners simply don’t work for this partner, right? So rather than immediately assuming that everything you’re doing is wrong and she thinks you’re terrible at sex, why don’t you look at it from the point of view of, Oh, something that that something in our dynamic isn’t working for her, right? And then figure out how you can shift that dynamic so that it does work. Number six, you need to learn how to communicate with compassion. One of the ways that you can learn how to communicate with compassion is to learn non-violent communication. If you’re watching this on YouTube, you can see I am holding up the book Nonviolent Communication, a Language of life, by Marshall B Rosenberg, PhD. This is a fantastic book, and I highly recommend everybody read it. Actually says in the top of the book, that this is one of the most useful books you’ll ever read. I actually agree with that. You know, those subtitles can be a bit hyperbolic at times, but the reality is, if you haven’t learned this, it’s an essential part of being human and learning how to communicate.

Now, what I find interesting and funny about this book is I have recommended this book many, many times on this show and in YouTube videos and inevitably, inevitably, some chuckle had comments about the fact that nonviolent communication. Issue news for pussies and what a bunch of crap. And you just need to do this. Do that. I can, I can absolutely tell you that anybody that says that has never, never read this book. This book is fantastic. It’s not about being a doormat in any way, shape or form. It’s really got some fantastic stuff. And you know, again, it gives you ideas on how to communicate. It doesn’t mean you have to follow everything, but, you know, it talks about communication that blocks blocks, compassion, observing, without evaluating, identifying and expressing feelings, taking responsibility for your feelings, requesting what you want, receiving empathy, and expressing anger.

So it’s going to teach you how to express anger, protective force versus protective use of force. So there’s protective force versus punitive force. So there’s just, there’s so much good stuff in here. It’s like a real foundation for learning how to communicate. Don’t listen to any of the negative crap that people talk about, even if you don’t want to use the full nonviolent communication process, I guarantee you that you will learn something in that book that will improve the quality of your day-to-day communication. So that’s number six, learn how to communicate with compassion, is super important, and a great place to start is with that book right there. Okay, number seven, you may need to implement communication strategies. This is really, really important. There are a lot of communication strategies out there. I’m going to give you a couple. But what are communication strategies? They are tools or strategies that you can implement when communicating to improve the quality of the communication between the two of you. I’ll give you some examples.

Number one, slow down. A lot of people tend to talk very fast and deliver a lot of content all at once. Just slow down. This isn’t a race. There isn’t a need to get everything out. If you’ve agreed to mature an emotionally mature conversation, and your partner is relatively emotionally mature, you don’t have to try to get everything you want to say out first before they jump in, because they will not interrupt you until you give them space to right so until you’ve said what you need to say, and then you ask for feedback. So just slow down again. It’s not a race, if you can slow down and deliver the message that you want to deliver more slowly, it will be much easier for the person to hear it and to actually absorb the facts and the requests made within that number two chunk. It down. This is another really important one, as I just talked about, not only do so many people go really fast, but they deliver a lot of information all at once. We call it fire hosing.

You see this all the time. It’s just like, Okay, we need to talk. All right, go ahead. And then they just jump a ton of stuff. It’s like, someone just put the fire hose on you and just drenched you, and you don’t even know where to start when it comes your turn to talk. So another strategy might be to chunk it down. Some people have the ability to take all of that in and process it quickly and then respond, but many people do not. They get overwhelmed. It overwhelms their system, and it literally shuts them down. They can’t communicate after that. So if you chunk it down and give them little bits at a time and give them an opportunity to process that and respond, you are likely to get a much, much better response from them.

A third strategy is to repeat back man. I’ve used this one in the past with people I’ve had a difficult time communicating with, and I’ve expressed what I wanted to express, and then I’d say, Please repeat back to me what I just said, and what comes back sometimes is not only just wrong, but I’ve had things repeat back that were the exact opposite of what I just said. You know, just to make a really simple example, if I said something was black, and then I said, Okay, please repeat. Back to me, they’ll say, Well, you said that thing was white. And I’m like, how, where? Why? How did that happen? Right? So the idea of asking somebody to repeat something back allows you to hear if, whether or not the words you used were effective as it was transmitted across the medium it was, you know, the integrity of what you said was maintained, and when it was received on the other end, it was received correctly. And if not, so if that happens and they repeat back to you, and it’s something other than what you said, Don’t get mad at them, just simply say, okay, that’s actually not what I was trying to get across. Let me try again, right? And then you try it again. Ask for them to repeat back, until they actually repeat back to you the thing that you actually intended to say.

Now I have, I’ve used this strategy in the past, and I did have one, one person say, like, I’m not an idiot. I understood you, and it’s like, we’re not trying to say that somehow you’re unintelligent or, you know, not capable in any way. It’s just a lot can happen from when the words leave until they make it to their destination and get processed. So you might want to let that person know it’s not because I think that somehow you’re not smart enough, or, you know, capable. I just want to make sure that what you are hearing is what I am actually saying. All right. Another strategy is to ask for feedback. So if you slow down, you break it down into chunks, right? You can ask them to repeat it back to make sure they got it. Okay, great. And then ask them for feedback, let them address things one at a time, rather than trying to remember everything and address it all at once.

So those are some strategies that you can implement to improve communication. And do not be afraid to use strategies. They are here to make things better. It’s amazing to me how people really take communication for granted. In other words, like, you learned how to talk when you were really young, and you think you’ve mastered it now, and it’s like, I don’t need help. I don’t need strategies, whatever, like I know how to talk and communicate. But the reality is that’s probably not true. You probably didn’t learn healthy and effective ways to communicate, and even if you did, every person you communicate with is different, and they might require different strategies to really hear and understand you. So do not be afraid to use strategies.

Okay, number eight, be as clear as you can. This is really important. You know, even myself, I have a tendency, if I’m, you know, if I wasn’t prepared for a conversation, to sort of be thinking out loud and to be using a lot of words to sort of talk out loud what it is I want to say. I mean, if you have to do that, you have to do that, however, it’s best if you can really take a little bit of time, maybe even just pause for a moment, get your thoughts clear in your head first, and then try to deliver what you want to say as clearly as you can, the fewer words you use, the easier it is for the person on the other end to hear you, to understand you, and that’s what you really want. I mean, you’re saying these things because you want to be heard and understood. So why not make it as easy for the other person as possible to hear you and understand you.

Number nine, if you need to prepare ahead of time, this is what I was just talking about, too. Like, you know, if you agree and you say, hey, you know, I’d really love for us to have a conversation, you know, tonight or tomorrow, you know about our sex life and what we might be able to do, like, how it’s going for us and what we might be able to do to make it more fun or to make it better? You know, don’t just go, oh, yeah, sure, we’ll talk about that. And then when the time comes, it’s like, well, hadn’t really thought about that, right? You don’t want to be in that position. What you really want to do is, like, if you have time, if you’ve scheduled this talk ahead of time, give yourself five or 10 minutes at least to sit down and collect your thoughts. Like, if I’m going to have a conversation about our sex life, what are the things that I actually want to talk about? How do I actually feel about it? Maybe I haven’t actually stopped to think about you know how that’s going. Maybe haven’t thought about it in a long time, right? So if you have the opportunity, definitely take some time to prepare.

Number 10, be mindful of your tone. I’m sure you’re. Heard this many times before. It’s not always or necessarily what you say, but how you say it. You can say the right words, but if you say it with some sort of snarky tone, not going to be taken the way you wanted them to be taken. So that is important to always be mindful of your tone. We’re all guilty of it. At times. I’ve absolutely been guilty of that one myself. So yeah, it’s something that you should pay attention to.

Number 11, listen to understand and not respond. This is a huge, huge, huge one. So many people, they’re just basically waiting for you to slow down and finish so that they can jump in with their point of view. But while they’re impatiently waiting, they’re not hearing a damn word that you said. So it’s really important to make sure that you’re actually listening to the words so that you can understand where this person is coming from. If you feel really passionately about something that you want to share, it will still be there later on. So don’t worry about it or write it down if you’re afraid you forget about it. But whatever you can do to let go of that so that you can actually listen to understand that is really important. And if you don’t really, if you don’t really comprehend what that really means, listen to understand and not to respond, please take some time to contemplate that and think about past conversations you’ve had where you may have been literally listening or pseudo listening to respond. This is a really huge piece when it comes to communication, so I really hope that you know, if you’re you know, those of you who are listening that you really understand that.

Number 12 develop your emotional intelligence. This is really, really important. It’s hard, it’s really hard to have a difficult conversation about anything, especially sex when the parties involved haven’t mastered at least a basic level of emotional intelligence. So what does that mean? Well, it means, you know, not reacting immediately. It means being able to employ strategies. It means awareness of how you tend to respond, right? And being like, Oh, I that’s that’s something that normally triggers me. Okay? I need to calm down. I need to hold on to that for a moment. Don’t just blurt out my response. You know, there are lots of things that emotional intelligence means.

In fact, we did an entire episode here. You can just search for the term emotional intelligence. Had a great guest on talking about that, but it’s definitely something that you need to develop. It will make all of your relationships better, not just the difficult conversations. Every part of your relationship will get better once you have mastered a certain amount of emotional intelligence. And for me, in a partner, a high level of emotional intelligence is an absolute must. I would not get involved in a relationship with anybody who didn’t have a high level of emotional intelligence. Now, it’s not always easy to tell what somebody’s level of emotional intelligence is right from the start, but you should be looking for signs like, how they handle challenging situations. How do they show up in difficult conversations, right? How do they handle their emotions? There are signs that you can look for. And I strongly suggest that you do.

Okay, number 13, take responsibility for your part. Unfortunately, in these conversations, a lot of the time, it’s all about blame, blame, blame. And nobody takes the time to go, Yeah, you’re right. I f’d that up. I could do better on that part. I mean, sometimes you just have to do it. It hurts. It’s confronting to your ego. I get it. None of us want to admit it, but it’s really important, even if you take responsibility for a small thing, it really lets the other person know that, oh, okay, they get at least part of it, right? It’s amazing how a difficult conversation can really shift when somebody says, You’re right, you’re right. I could have done better on that one. It could be literally as simple as that. And number 14 play the appreciation game. Why did I tack that on here? Because it doesn’t seem to really be a communication strategy.

But if you’ve listened to this show for any amount of time, you know that Celine and I were big proponents of something we call the appreciation game. This one actually came from Celine. She brought it into my world, and I loved it, and I’ve been teaching it ever since. So. Because I think it’s so great and it’s really simple. It’s just that every day, you make it a point to tell your partner three things that you love or appreciate about them. The reason why that is tacked on at the end of this list of basic communication strategies is that if you are letting your partner know how much you love and appreciate them on a regular basis. When it does come time to share something challenging, they will be much more open to it. They will realize that you know this must actually be important, and that you’re not just bitching and moaning and complaining, because you’re just that’s who you are, somebody who bitches and moans and complains and you’re never happy and you’re never satisfied and blah, blah, blah, if you are genuinely appreciating them on a regular basis, when something difficult comes up, they’ll go, oh, okay, this must be important, so it’s a way to nurture the relationship, such that when difficult things do arise, they are ease easier to handle.

So there you go. Those are some basics of good communication in a relationship. If you could master those things, you would be doing better than probably 98% of the people out there communicating in a relationship. And look, you know, none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. You know, even if we’re teaching this stuff, it doesn’t mean we get it all right all the time, but do your best not that’s really all you can do. And when you see that you are showing up in a conversation in a certain way where maybe you haven’t done some of these things, don’t beat yourself up for it. Just be aware of it and go, Okay, I need to do better next time. So Okay, from there, we next need to move on to some things that are more specific to sexual conversations. However, before we do that, we need to take a short break for my second sponsor, yeah, baby, oh yes, I know you were excited about that. I just threw that in there because of the request for sound effects. And I was like, Wow, I’m halfway through the show, and I really haven’t had an opportunity to use them.

Okay. Are you a couple? Are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make, but just don’t know how maybe you think there is nothing that can be done if you’re not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and schedule a strategy. Call me today so we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be so you can have it all your way. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and book your strategy call today. Don’t worry about the long link. It’s in the description, just click on it if you’re watching a clip of this show or anything on social media, just go to the linkinbio, and from there you’ll figure out how to get there as well. But this is my couples coaching program. I love working with couples. I get the opportunity to work with both halves of the couple, which means we can make a lot of progress. So yeah, if you’re a couple and you realize you’re just you’re not where you want to be and you need some help, that’s the place to go. https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/

Okay, so next, let’s talk about some additional considerations when you are talking about sex, specifically, number one, no sexual need or desire is wrong. So this is really important because a lot of times people are afraid to talk about something they need or desire in their sex life because they are afraid that their partner is going to judge them so you know that’s wrong, or that’s disgusting, or That’s gross, or why would you want that? If you’re going to have emotionally intelligent and mature conversations around sex, you need to assure each other that they can literally say anything.

Now, if the person shares something with you that you do find really kind of gross, don’t have a reaction like, Oh, my God, oh, oh, you’re a terrible person. Oh, what is wrong with you? You know, just be like, Okay, I hear that this. Is not something that I’m into. It’s not something I would actually even be willing to do. You know, if it’s that you know out of your comfort zone. But let’s explore what need it is that you are trying to meet with that particular sex act. Maybe there’s a way we can meet it differently. And if not, maybe there’s another strategy that we can get that need met. But it’s really important that you create that. So, you know, we talked in the basics of good communication about creating a space in which you can share anything safely. This is sort of in addition to, letting them know that no need or desire is wrong, you’re not going to judge them for what they want or need when it comes to sex.

Number two, the more you talk about sex, the easier It is. You know, when Celine was alive, you know, didn’t matter where we went, dinner parties, events, whatever. I mean, this is what we do for a living, right? This conversation would always come around to sex, always, always, always, you know, people would joke about it, it’s like, Oh, Kevin and Celine are here. You know, you know what we’re gonna end up talking about. And so the point is, is that we talked about sex all the time, and so for us, it was easy and normal for us to talk about sex. However, for many people, they really just don’t talk about sex. It makes them uncomfortable. It’s not something that they’ve really done much in their life. And so that makes having conversations about sex when you need to have them, that much more challenging. So one of the things I suggest is to talk about sex regularly, even if you don’t need to have any sort of challenging conversation about sex, just talk about sex in general.

In fact, if you have a lot of conversations about sex, about what’s going right and what you like. Then when you tell your partner, hey, I’d like to have a conversation about our sex life, they’re not immediately going to freak out, go, Oh my God, what’s wrong now, right? Because they’re used to talking about sex, and the majority of the time it’s positive. So the more you talk about sex, the easier it is. Number three, you’re asking for something sexually. Doesn’t mean the other person is bad at it. This is important to get across that, you know, just because I might need a certain thing in bed doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re instantly bad at sex. And that’s, unfortunately, the way a lot of people take it, it’s like if it’s not working for you, then you’re telling me, I’m no good at it.

No, it might just be that what you’re doing doesn’t work for this particular partner or at that particular moment. Maybe it works most of the time, but it’s not working in that moment or in that phase of your life, right? If you’ve been together for a long time. Maybe that worked when you were in your 20s and 30s, and now maybe that you’re in your 40s and 50s, it doesn’t work anymore. So just because you’re asking for something doesn’t mean that the other person is necessarily bad, and if the person is asking, you don’t automatically make that assumption that they must think I’m bad at sex in some way. Number four, always phrase things from the point of view of how sex could be even better.

This is about kind of putting a positive spin on something rather than a negative spin. So rather than saying, you know, you never last long enough, and that’s why I can never have an orgasm, you know, maybe you kind of flip that around and then say, you know, I’ve noticed that for me, it takes me a good, you know, 20 or 30 minutes generally before I can achieve orgasm. So I’m wondering, how can we have sex long enough that I can really get there, like, what? What can we do to get me there, right? So that’s that’s shifting away from the blaming that you don’t last long enough, you’re not good enough to here’s what I need, and how can we work together to make that happen?

So yeah, again, phrasing things from the positive will get you much better results in this situation than the complaining side number five, try to make it about experimenting and having fun rather than trying to fix something broken. This is something I often encourage couples to do, which is, rather than saying we need to talk, this isn’t working for me. Even if that’s the case, why not approach it from the point of view of, hey, you know, sex is important to me. It’s a way that I feel connected to you. It’s a. Way that I bond with you. It’s a way that you share the feelings behind it. And I would love to find ways that we could do that better than we have been doing it, rather than this thing is completely broken and just not working at all. Right? To go, Okay, I really want to make it better. Where could we possibly take this? What new levels of ecstasy could we possibly create? What new levels of intimacy, depth, and bonding could we possibly create? That’s a completely different way of phrasing it, and that will make your partner much more open to having this conversation than if they feel like they’re being told they’re no good at it and everything’s broken and they’ve got all this work to do to try to fix something.

Number six, don’t make comparisons. This is deadly. Well, in my last relationship, so and so was able to do this, oh, just, just don’t go there. Just don’t go there. Don’t ever go into the comparisons. When it comes to sex, this can be extremely hurtful and challenging to your partner. Again, it gets to the I’m not good enough. I don’t know what I’m doing or if everything I do is wrong. Just don’t go there. That may be true. It may be 100% true. Just don’t go there. Just don’t say it. There’s no point in saying that. It’s not going to help anything at all. Just tell them what it is that you like and what it is that you need, and then work together to create solutions, to figure out how you can get there.

Number seven, also let your partner know about the things that are good, that are working, and that you like and appreciate. So you know, when it comes to talking about sex again. Don’t just talk about sex when something’s not working or when it’s bad. Talk about sex frequently and talk about the things that you really love. Talk about the things that are working. You can always find something that is working for you almost always find something and share them on a regular basis. That will get you more used to talking about sex, and that will also let the person know that you know there are things that you do love, enjoy, and value, and it’s not all just complaints. Nobody wants to hear just complaints. So there you go. Those are some additional considerations to add to your communication when it comes to talking about sex. Whoo.

All right. All right. We covered quite a bit. There we are getting down towards the end of the show. I just want to cover a couple of quick last things that were part of the original question from the listener, which is, what to do when your partner isn’t into sex? Number one, find out what’s in the way if somebody isn’t into sex, there’s something that is in the way. It could be stress. It could be they’re not getting the kind of sex they want. It could be trauma, it could be past abuse. It could be a lot of different things. You need to find out what’s underneath it. If you don’t solve the underlying cause, then nothing else you do is really going to work. In other words, let’s say it’s based on trauma. They have some sort of trauma response from a past relationship or you know, sexual abuse or anything like that, if you don’t solve that, trying strategies to get them to want more sex, that’s just not going to work. It’s just not going to work because just going to keep triggering that underlying trauma.

So when your partner isn’t into sex, you need to figure out what is in the way. There is something there that is preventing them from enjoying a normal, happy, healthy sex life, which most people want to. I mean, that thing could be hormones are out of balance due to, you know, menopause or andropause or whatever. Just find out what that thing is. It could literally be as simple as, you know, getting on some bio-identical hormone treatment, and then suddenly your your sex drive returns again. So find out what’s in the way.

Number two, have open and honest communication, everything that we just talked about so far, you just got to talk about it. So when your partner isn’t that into sex, you got it. You got to talk about it and follow all of the rules that I just spent 45 minutes plus talking about, and have open and honest communication.

Number three, negotiate ways that you can both get your needs met now. That might mean you’re meeting each other’s needs. That might mean you find more creative ways that are outside the box to get your needs. It’s met. Remember, part of the premise of this question was you have a great relationship in every other way except the sex part. So you most likely do not want to abandon this relationship just because a particular sexual need of yours isn’t being met. So then you want to, you want to look at it from the point of view of, how can we both get our needs met and still keep the relationship working, but without maybe forcing you to try to meet the need that you don’t actually want to meet? So that sometimes requires some creative out-of-the-box thinking, but it’s perfectly acceptable. It’s amazing to me, how many times I see people say, Well, I don’t really have interest in sex anymore, and so therefore you my partner, will just never have sex again for the rest of your life, however long that is 10, 20, 30 years, right? That’s just honestly not fair, and it’s selfish. If you don’t have a desire to have sex anymore, but your partner does. But you love each other. Maybe you have kids together, business together. You love everything else about the relationship. You need to be willing to figure out how your partner can get their needs met.

Lastly, what if your partner won’t put the work into improving a couple of quick tips there? Number one, you need to express why it’s important to you. How does it make you feel? So a lot of times, this can go both ways. For sure, there are plenty of women who aren’t interested either, but a lot of times you hear this complaint in regards to men like he just does the same old thing all the time, and he’s not interested in learning anything new or trying to figure out, you know, what it is I actually need so express why it’s important. This is important to me because when we make love consistently, you know, and I, you know, you know, have at least occasional orgasm, or whatever it is, it makes me feel like this. I feel closer to you. I feel more connected to you. I feel more love for you. You know, it, there’s just so many potential benefits to that express those benefits, that’s that’s really the point. Because, you know, a lot of times as men, we’re just kind of like we’re just, we go on autopilot. I mean, not me, but in general, a lot of men do, they just go on autopilot.

And they don’t even realize it’s a problem until you voice it and go, oh, oh, I didn’t even realize that was so important to you. I just thought it was kind of like whatever, you know, so it’s really important to express that and let your partner know why, why it’s so important to you. What is the need underneath the thing that you’re requesting? Number two, again, find out what’s in the way. If they’re not interested in improving, maybe it’s because they just think, I’ve always been bad. I’ll always be bad. There’s nothing I can do about it, or you don’t care anyway. So why should I bother? Or, you know, whatever it is there’s, there’s got to be something underneath it, you know, maybe it’s just like, they’re like, I’ve tried everything and I can’t fix it, so I just gave up. Like, who knows, but figure out what is in the way and preventing them from potentially improving. Anybody can improve. Anybody can improve.

So it’s possible. It’s just that sometimes people don’t realize that number three, asks for a trial period. And what I mean by that is you can say, hey, why don’t we just try this for a month, two weeks, whatever it is depends on how frequently you have sex, and let’s see how it goes. Let’s see if it actually makes a difference or not. So you know, because a lot of times, if you’re asking a partner to do something new or different, to expand, maybe to learn something new, there can be hesitation for many reasons, one of which is, oh, it’s not going to help anyway. Or, well, that sounds like a lot of work, or I don’t really get what the benefit would be. Doesn’t really make sense to me. For any of those, you can say, well, let’s just try it. Let’s just try it for a month, and see what happens. If we like it, we can continue. If we don’t, we won’t, right?

And number four, of course, get help. Get help. If you’re struggling with any of this communication stuff, just get help. There’s no need to struggle with this. There’s no need to damage your relationship because you were afraid to, or, you know, for whatever reason, you just didn’t get the help that you needed. Same thing, if your partner isn’t in the sex, you know, get some help. You know, see if they’ll at least agree to talk to somebody and figure it out. You. There are no guarantees. At the end of the day, this person might say, you know, there’s nothing we can do. And at the same time, you might discover something really important that significantly improves your relationship. And same thing, if they, if they, you know, aren’t really into improving just if you’re seeing you’re not making progress, and you’re doing everything you can do, then definitely, definitely get the help that you need. Whew.

All right. Well, there you go, everybody that is how to have positive and effective sex communication with a few bonus questions answered at the end. I really hope that you found that valuable. I hope that this makes it easier for you to have delicate conversations about sex, and I hope also that it maybe makes conversations around sex at least a little bit less delicate and easier for you to have so if you have any questions, as always, please let me know. You can write it in the comments. You can send me an email. I’m happy to answer your questions. I love to hear success stories, too. If you’ve used any of this and you’ve had success in your relationship, please share your success stories with me. I would love to share those with the audience, also anonymously, of course, if that’s what you require, but yeah, please let me know. Alright, everybody that’s all the time I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!