How Sexual Dysfunction Wrecks Other Areas Of Your Life & What To Do About It

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom, and your relationships.

All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 301 and in this titled How sexual dysfunction, wrecks other areas of your life and what to do about it. So in this episode, we’re going to be talking about some of the common sexual dysfunctions that people experience. And you know, we talk about that a lot on this show. So that’s not necessarily anything new. However, we’re going to be talking about how that also affects other areas of your life. And a lot of people don’t realize that it’s all connected, because it’s a conversation I have all the time I have this conversation with clients, I have this conversation with, you know, other professionals in the industry. And it just comes up over and over and over again, you cannot solve your sexual dysfunction without looking at other areas of your life. And the flip side of that is, is when you do solve your sexual dysfunction, you see other areas of your life improve. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. If you’re watching on YouTube, you can see that I have a guest with me, and she’s going to help me explore this topic.

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Okay, my guest today is oh I hope I didn’t ask you how to pronounce this but hopefully I’m gonna get it right. Surya Leonora is a holistic holistic sex and relationship coach and writer she is on a mission to change the world through healing and liberating sexuality, the seat of our creation in a way that permeates every area of our lives, not just the bedroom with eloquence, depth, playfulness, unconventional insight and penetrating intuition. She catalyzes profound shifts in the lives of her clients and audiences. So welcome to the show.

Sureya Leonara 3:28
Thank you so much for having me, Kevin. It’s so great to be here.

Kevin Anthony 3:31
So tell me again how to pronounce your name so I don’t screw it up throughout the rest of the show. No worries. It’s Surya Surya. All right. Yeah. You know, in, in the circles that you and I tend to travel Syria is very common, either name or pronunciation. So I just took an assumption there. Thank you. So as you heard, when I was reading the bio, you know, there’s a lot of people and I have a lot of them on the show who do similar work to what I do. But one of the things I thought was interesting about Surya and the way that she works is that you notice in her bio, she says liberating sexuality in a way that permeates every area of our lives. And that’s what we really wanted to talk about today is like how this can really Yeah, permeate great word, you know, all the other ways that you live life and how that can improve those. Alright, so I’m curious. I always like to lay a little foundation here. So my first question is, from your experience, you work with a lot of clients, and from your experience, do you see that your clients’ sexual dysfunctions come more from physical issues or mental emotional psychological issues?

Sureya Leonara 4:51
Almost always the latter. I find it’s very rarely actually a physical issue and even if it is, I I often find that physical issues start somewhere mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and then manifest physically last. And so if we can kind of unpack where that began, within the emotional body, and we can create shifts within our lifestyle, our way of thinking, a lot of times that will even help the physical problems self-correct. And I’ve had that happen in my own life as well as with many clients.

Kevin Anthony 5:25
Yeah, I totally agree. And the reason why I asked that question is that I was just really curious, you know, to hear another, you know, a colleague or professionals take on it like, is that something you see in your practice as well, my wife when she was having to do this work, she that’s was her experience, that’s been my experience as well. I always thought, you know, what I have, whenever a male client coming to me, and he’s experiencing, you know, something like, say erectile dysfunction, you know, I always have to say, especially if they’re older, and I always have to say, you know, go to your doctor, have them run all the usual tests, because we know that erectile dysfunction can potentially be a sign of, you know, certain circulatory system heart problems, right. So, an older client comes to you with I can’t get it up. You know, what’s going on? Okay. Have you been to your doctor? Have you had that checked out?

I would say the majority of the people who come to me in that space have already been to their doctors. And the doctors say we can’t find anything wrong with you. Some of them Viagra, right? Yeah. Here’s some Viagra, exactly. Some of them haven’t been. And I can tell you. Every client I’ve had I’ve said, Okay, please just please go and do this. Just let’s get it out of the way. So we can rule that out as a potential problem. Not a single one of them has come back to me and said, You know what, they figured it out. It was a physical issue, not a single one. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. Because I know, you know, there are men out there with those problems. But I’m just totally agreeing with you that mostly what I see is, it is a mental, emotional, basically psychological issue.

But what’s beautiful about that is we know how to work with that. Right? So we know, we know how to solve those issues, and they don’t require complex surgeries or medications for the rest of your life. So that’s, that’s the upside of it. Exactly. Okay, so that begs the question, then. And then actually, there are several questions here. I’m going to I’m going to ask you about a few specific sexual dysfunctions. And then I’m curious, you know, from your experience, what types of mental emotional psychological issues have you seen that are underlying those specific conditions? So for instance, the first one, erectile dysfunction, right, what types of issues do you often see that are non-physical that show up in men who are presenting with erectile dysfunction?

Sureya Leonara 8:01
That’s a great question. Yeah, I really see all of these sexual quote-unquote, dysfunctions as ways that our body is just trying to communicate with us and bring us back into alignment. And luckily, it’s usually not the case that our body is broken, but rather just talking to us. And so with erectile dysfunction, I see a handful of things come up. One of them can be if there’s like a lack of financial stability or any sense of insecurity, especially as it pertains to physical resources. Sometimes, the wisdom of the body is like, Hey, we’re not in a place to reproduce right now. So we’re not even going to risk it. And as you know, trying to not take on more, sometimes it can be more related to other types of insecurities, you know, whether that’s feeling insecure in your body, in your performance, and in any other area of life. It can be related to trust issues.

I’ve also seen it be connected to a fear of really standing in your masculine power, especially, I saw a lot of this come up around the Me Too movement when there was a lot of man-bashing and talk about masculine toxicity and things like this. I think that there were a lot of men who were kind of scared to stand strong in their sexual energy, and there was a lot showing up in their erection, strength in that way. And I also think that the erection can mirror the strength of a man’s backbone. Like if he feels like he’s being walked all over. He doesn’t know how to stand up for himself. He feels like he’s being taken advantage of whether that’s in his relationship or at work or anywhere else. I think that can also show up in his erection strength. And then the other thing I’d say is, you know, heavy porn use can often lead to those as well.

Kevin Anthony 9:43
Yeah, you absolutely hit the nail on the head with that when you covered all of the major reasons that I see. So every one of those is absolutely a potential thing and they are all things that I see When working with men, also, if I had to pick the top two, I would say from my experience, it would be performance anxiety. That would be one of the top two. And the other one is. And it might, this one might be sort of a combination of a few of the things that you’re talking about, but not feeling really like a powerful masculine man. So like, I see a lot of these sort of like softy guys who are afraid to speak up kind of thing they’re not, they’re not really in their masculine power, I see that as being another huge thing that tends to create this. And once you start to get them more confident about who they are, as a man, and with their performance in the bedroom, suddenly a lot of those problems just disappear.

But all of the other things that you said, are absolutely there as well. You know, I mean, any kind of stress in general, can cause you know, erectile problems if the stress is large enough, but one of the things that will stress the man the most, especially if he’s the sole breadwinner is that financial stress, which is one of the first things that you mentioned. So, you know, a lot of men, I don’t think they really connect what’s going on with their finances, with what’s going on with their penises. Right. But there is a connection.

And so this is exactly why we’re having this conversation today. Because I don’t think a lot of people make those connections, they just think sex is over here. Life is over here. Finances are here, Job is here, whatever. And the sex is in its own little compartment all compartmentalized over here. And if something’s not working with my sex life, it must just be something with my sex life.

Sureya Leonara 12:03
It is all so interconnected, they cannot be separated.

Kevin Anthony 12:07
Absolutely. So okay, let’s carry on with a few other common sexual dysfunctions. What about premature ejaculation? What do you see that is underlying that often?

Sureya Leonara 12:19
So one of the big things I see here is having a low capacity. And this is a great example of where this ties into other areas of life. So having a low capacity for high-intensity sensation, which can be sexual pleasure, that can be conflict that can be handling, saving, asking for large amounts of money. These kinds of things all require running a lot of capacity to run a lot of energy through the body. And if we have low capacity within our nervous system, we can short-circuit when something feels too intense. And so sometimes I see that a man who has low capacity and feels too much pleasure in the body doesn’t know what to do with it, the system short circuits and it spits it out through ejaculation. I often I also see this happen when if a man feels like the life force is being sucked out of him in some way, whether he’s got a really life-sucking job, he feels emasculated by his partner, whatever it is, that lifeforce can physically be sucked out of him through the form of ejaculation, where he feels like he’s not in control, or at choice.

I have also seen this connected to low self-worth and poor boundaries, performance anxiety, and just being really stuck in the head. And then, you know, a lot of times when there’s performance anxiety, men are thinking don’t come, don’t come don’t come, which actually, they’re just thinking about coming if they’re thinking about that, because the subconscious doesn’t understand negatives. Or they’re using something to distract themselves from coming, which then takes them out of their body and is not able to track where their energy is. And then I also see a fear of intimacy, sometimes showing up as premature ejaculation because it’s very intimate to stay inside of somebody for a prolonged period of time. And that’s kind of connected to the capacity where if it’s too intimate, it’s too vulnerable. Sometimes the system just wants to end it right there and not stay in that space. And then also, porn use can play into this as well.

Kevin Anthony 14:19
Yeah, yeah. Again, just totally hit it, hit it on the head. These are all of the main reasons, I will add just one to them. I have seen that this is something it’s just like, you know, Céline My wife used to say like your superpower, Kevin is being able to recognize patterns. And it is actually one of my superpowers. It’s one of the things that actually makes me good as a coach, is I just observe and I listen and I ask a lot of questions. And I just see these patterns repeating and I go, Oh, okay, there it is right there. So a pattern that I have seen that doesn’t get talked about very often. When it comes to premature ejaculation is that almost every client I’ve had who’s really struggling with this, and there’s varying levels of it, right? There’s, the guys that come in and say, I have premature ejaculation. And really, they’re doing okay, they just, they really just want to be able to last longer and get into that, you know, great sex realm. And then there’s the ones who are just like, can’t hold it at all, and are really, really struggling with it.

The ones who are really struggling with it, I have noticed they have a personality quirk about them. That is they’re impatient. They want everything right away. And so we’re talking right now about how this affects the rest of your life, right? So when I’m coaching somebody, and I start getting this, hit that wait a minute, I think this is part of what’s happening with their premature ejaculation. I’ll just start asking them other questions about other parts of their life, just totally random, seemingly random questions. But what I’m getting at is I want to see what their tolerance for like, just being patient is, you know, like, what, what happens when you’re, you know, waiting in line at a, you know, what do you do, just like interesting things like that, but usually based on other information that they’ve told me is about their life. And almost every time I start to see the pattern, they are impatient. They want everything right now, gotta have it right now. And so you were talking about, you know, the universe doesn’t understand negatives.

And it’s like, if you keep saying, you know, don’t come don’t come at your hearing, come, come, come, right. It’s so similar with this, which is like, you know, I want it right now. I want it right now. I want it right now. And it just manifests with an ejection right now, in any Jack Ulation right now, right? It’s an interesting pattern. If you’ve never really thought about that, one, pay a little bit more attention as you work with clients and see if that shows up. Because I’d love to hear if you see a similar pattern with your clients, but it’s something that I’ve seen every time I’ve pointed it out to them, they stopped for a minute, and they’re like, and then they go, Oh, my God. They’re like, I never realized that.

Sureya Leonara 17:17
That is, that is a really astute observation, Kevin. And I would totally agree with that. You know, we live in a day and age where we can snap our fingertips and just have everything delivered to our doorstep. And I think Oren also conditions men to, you know, just chase after that instant ejaculation. And there’s there’s not a reason to be cultivating any type of stamina if you’re just a jacket, or if you’re masturbating with the intention of a quick ejaculation. One of the things that I often have men do when they have this impatience, and this attachment to instant gratification is to practice slowing down while they eat, really taking time to take it in with their five senses, and to really enjoy it and savor it and see how long they can prolong it, rather than just devouring it and scarfing it down. And I think connected to this in patients that you’re speaking to, is a scarcity mentality. I think a lot of times men can be operating under this very unconscious mentality unconscious, like they’re not aware of it. That you know, what if this is the last time I’m going to have sex, or I have to get it? Well, I can not being able to really slow down and luxuriate in the moment.

Kevin Anthony 18:26
Yeah, absolutely. The point really is a big one, too, because it is training you to do all those other things, right? So let’s just talk about the impatience thing, exactly what you just said, which is that, you know, we have all this porn on demand, immediately, we get this huge, you know, the dopamine hit from it immediately, and we go straight for the ejaculation. It’s that instant sort of gratification thing. So it feeds into somebody that maybe already has a personality of like, I gotta have everything right now. And I’m super impatient if I don’t get it. But also, you know, many of the other things that you shared are absolutely true as well.

Yeah, he actually gave me a bunch of them. And I was like, I wanted to pick a few of them out. But now we’ve gotten so far down the impatience rabbit. I’m not remembering all of the ones that you shared. But I think the important part really is if you’re listening to this, and you’re suffering with one of these things to be thinking about, Oh, I never realized it might be this or this, or this, or this, right. And that’s kind of the goal of this show is to get you to think about things that maybe you didn’t consider before. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to be simple, simple or easy to solve just because you’ve become aware of it, but the awareness really is the first step. All right. Let’s switch over for a moment and talk about the ladies when it is about women’s difficulty orgasm, and what are some of the psychological, emotional mental things that might be underneath that.

Sureya Leonara 20:07
I think a lot of women simply don’t have enough time to fully come online to have their full circuit board lit up. I think a lot of times sex is more rushed than how quickly a woman’s body is designed to fully awaken. I think, you know, sometimes we can even feel really turned on and be wet and we feel like we’re ready to go. But either, you know, a partner comes too soon and decides to end sex there. Even though I really, I like to look at Jack Ulation as a dot, dot dot rather than the exclamation point that just ends everything. But you know, either sex ends sooner than they can become fully aroused, or they don’t get to have enough other play and foreplay.

I think also not feeling met in their hearts. And you know, we’re feeling disconnected on any of the levels of the upper chakras can create holes in you know, helpfully turned on and sensitive a woman can feel to pleasure, I think also rigidity in the body in trouble letting go, having a long to-do list in your head really holding on to all these different things that need to be done. Female sexuality is so highly contextual. So even things like oh, the kids are home and I’m worried they’re gonna hear us or the house is a mess, or I feel bloated, or I haven’t gotten to shower yet, or I have all these things to do later. All of these things can play into a woman not feeling like she can really soften and shift gears and let go into that space of you know, the the relaxation and surrender that’s required for orgasm. I also think her connection to her partner is really important if there’s gunk in the way that can create a lack of intimacy which disrupts orgasm. And I also think, being burned out just being an overdrive and feeling too, too wrapped up in young energy and not having time to really soften into the yen can play into that a lot as well.

Kevin Anthony 22:12
Yeah, you are absolutely right. And you know, I really wanted to ask this question, because you are a woman. Now, I talk about these things all the time. I’ve been on numerous other people’s shows who you know, there are women hosting, and they’re asking me this question I have like this primarily female audience that I’m speaking to, and it’s like, but it’s coming from, you know, me as a man. And you know, I can’t actually experience that in my body because man. So I love asking you that question. And having you basically say the exact same thing, and I liked the way that you put it, which is, you know, she doesn’t have what she needs to light up all the circuits in her circuit board. This is so huge. This is such a big component that I spend so much time teaching men is how can you turn on all of those circuits? And exactly what you just said is all those things about the long to-do list and like all that stuff, is running in her head and really getting in the way of her being able to relax into her feminine or Yin as you put it.

So, you know, when it comes to helping men, it’s like, Alright, how can you help her get out of her head? How can you help maybe check off some of those things on the list or at least create a plan so she knows that they will get done at some point in the future? Right? You know, there’s, there’s lots of little things that have absolutely nothing to do with sex itself, that you could do as a man to help your woman relax more, and get more into her body get more into her pleasure access her orgasms easier, which if she can do will make her not only enjoy sex more, but want more sex is number one complaint for men. She doesn’t want sex enough, right? How can you help her wanting more? Well, one of the ways is to help her light up all their circuit boards because if she’s really loving it and turned on, she’s gonna want more of it. This brings me to a point actually, that it’s one of those sort of tough love hard truths that I have to tell men all the time. Which is that if your woman isn’t really that interested in sex, it’s likely because she’s not getting the kind of sex that she really likes and wants.

Sureya Leonara 24:28
That’s so true.

Kevin Anthony 24:30
Because like, if you’ve ever had great luck, anybody listening, if you’ve ever had great sex, like I mean, really great sex, you want more of it. It’s like having the best food you’ve ever had. or listening to the best music you’ve ever heard. You’re like, fuck yeah, I want more of that. Right? And if you’re not, Fuck, yeah, I want more of that, then it just wasn’t that good.

Sureya Leonara 24:49
It’s true. I think I think the myth is that women just aren’t that into sex. I think it is really connected to the fact that a lot of women have never tapped into what sex can be. They’re kind of like, wow, this is all it’s cracked up to be like, What’s everybody tripping on? But you know, the average man comes in 30 seconds to three minutes. And that’s not nearly enough time for a woman to experience pleasure especially, I mean, you need a lot of foreplay, other types of play, if that’s the case, but if you’re going straight into intercourse, or even, you know, even just 510 minutes of foreplay straight into 30 seconds to three minutes of intercourse, that’s, that’s not really going to help a woman access what’s possible for her. And so of course, she’s not going to care so much about sex. And if it feels like it’s, you know, just more oriented towards a male partner, it will start to feel like a chore or an obligation, this is something I have to do for him and then that’s going to create even more of a distaste for it and create micro traumas within the Yoni have, you know, anytime that a woman is penetrated, when she doesn’t want to be her before she’s before she wants to be her system will just start to shut down and more and more.

Kevin Anthony 25:59
Yeah, that’s absolutely true. And, you know, so there’s, there’s the is the man, you know, showing up and giving her the kind of sex that would really light her up and turn around. But then you also said something else, which is really true, which is that a lot of women, whether with male partners, or female partners with their own masturbation practice, have never actually experienced all that sex could be. And that’s sometimes why they’re not super interested. So, you know, if, if you are a woman listening to this, and you’re like, Yeah, I’m not all that intersex, although I’m not sure that many women who are intersex would be listening to a sex love and relationship podcast, but just in case you are, I would simply say to you, that be more open to the possibilities of what sex could be. Because if you’ve never gotten to that, like, Holy fuck, that blew my mind and rocked my world. I don’t even know where I am right now. I can’t literally get up off this bed or the floor. If you’ve never been there, you have not experienced the possibilities of what sex could be.

Alright, so I got one more little bit. Yeah, I know. That’s why I paused. All right, I got one more that I want to ask you about. This is also pertaining to women. And I’m curious what you have seen with women who are experiencing painful sex.

Sureya Leonara 27:40
This is a huge part of how I actually came into this work, I had lost my libido and I was experiencing pain during sex in my early 20s. Part of this was connected to a massive chronic illness that I had part of it was connected to sexual trauma part of it was issues in my relationship. But for me, the lesson was the only way around it is through it and to really lean into the pain and and work with it and listen to it. And you know, ask what it’s what it’s here to teach us. And in the same way that if we have a knot in our shoulder, and we might massage it and offer it care and stretch it and work with it, the same thing goes for our Yoni is to work with massage to work with de armoring and breathing into it and giving it space to soften.

And for me, I was actually avoiding sex because it was painful. And I had to learn instead to lean into it very gently at a pace where I wasn’t, you know, pushing too hard, but to give space for my body to unwind and unravel. And I think that pain during sex can be connected to so many different things to stored trauma within the system, to feeling like we’re being entered too soon, which again, we might not even realize that we could be wet we could be aroused, but our full system is not turned on yet our Yoni isn’t fully open, and it just needs more time to move more slowly to feel like we can advocate for what we need. And I think sometimes that’s really hard for women, even even with a really trusted partner. I think sometimes it can be hard for us to ask for what we want or feel worthy of that or know how to find the words for it. And so sometimes just asking for a different type of connection or stimulation or more time can go a long way. I think sometimes pain during sex can show up if there’s distrust or a lack of safety with the partner that we’re with, or even just form our trauma from that being the case with a former partner and needing to build trust and safety.

And then I’ve also seen one of the ways that physical issues I do think can play into this if there’s a pH imbalance or you know, things like yeast BV different infections can definitely play into that as well. And I’ve seen vaginal probiotics go a long way and just helping sort out any of that piece. Have it but I’ve also on periods in my life where I thought that maybe the pain during sex I was experiencing was connected to some sort of pH imbalance or something like that. And sure enough, just working with a D armoring practice working into that point of tension it it softened and released. So it’s pretty incredible how much something can feel like it really is rooted physically. But it’s actually a deeper stored emotion or trauma.

Kevin Anthony 30:27
Yeah, and it can be very difficult to tell the difference, because, you know, one can cause the other right, so the mental, emotional can cause the physical, so then you think, Oh, I have a physical issue, right? And then the reverse is true. Also, you can have a physical issue that then causes mental and emotional trauma as well. So it can be very tricky to figure out which is which, especially in the case of, you know, the painful intercourse, that then I would say that would be one, that’s probably a little trickier for men to figure out. But I’m really glad that you covered that one.

Because I know that this is kind of, I want to say more like an unspoken epidemic in a sense, but like, a lot of women actually suffer from this. And it’s not something I hear too many people talking about like I hear people talk about it in the context of, well, when you’re older, and you’re going through menopause, and you’ve got the thinning of the lining of the vagina and you know, painful sex, you don’t lubricate as much like I hear talked about in those contexts. But I don’t hear it so much in the context of younger women who aren’t at that stage of their life yet, but yet are actually experiencing it. So yeah, I had one other guest on the show, we covered it quite extensively. But that was really, you know, that was kind of unique, as far as you know, people talking about that. A lot. It’s just not something I hear about a lot.

Sureya Leonara 31:54
Yeah, and it can be you know, it can be inflammation within the tissue. Inflammation can show up a lot when it’s connected to anger or a need to assert boundaries. So I think sometimes if, if a woman’s body has just had so many boundaries overwritten, even if they were, you know, more like micro-aggressions of just not having enough time before she was penetrated, even by a trusted partner, it can, it can start to flare up and kind of be the body’s way of talking of like, hey, you need to assert your boundaries need to communicate your needs more. And again, just drawing attention to something that needs to come into alignment. And in that way, if we, if we look at what is my body trying to tell me? And what can I learn here? And how can I be an ally to my body, instead of thinking that my body is broken? You know, that was a big thing for me is different times in my life when I thought that my body was broken. And it was actually incredibly genius and offering its wisdom with me and sharing very important things with me that, you know, at certain times, I was frustrated with and didn’t know how to listen to, but I’ve come to understand all of this as incredible wisdom of the body.

Kevin Anthony 32:59
Yeah, that’s, that’s really amazing. You know, this would be one of those things. And I don’t know your particular story. I don’t I don’t know, you know, you mentioned that that topic was one of the ways you got into doing this work. I was just kind of kind of go down the line of thinking of like, this stuff can be difficult to sort out on your own. Right. So, you know, you just listening to you sharing a little bit you did about your own experience. And then of course, you know, what you’ve seen working with clients, you know, I would suggest to any women listening that, you know, obviously, you know, do your own inner work for sure. I’m not telling you not to do that. But it’s definitely worth seeking help from somebody who has experience with these types of things because they can be kind of difficult to unravel.

Sureya Leonara 33:46
Absolutely. And it can be helpful to realize that you’re not alone and that these things, you know, happen to lots of people and they’re connected to other parts of our lives. I think it’s very empowering. When somebody you know, in the way that we’re having this conversation today can outline these are all the things that could be connected to this, your body is not broken, you’re not fucked, you know, you’re not doing you’re not doing something wrong. Like these are invitations to look deeper, which are incredible opportunities to grow as well.

Kevin Anthony 34:15
Okay. We are a little bit more than halfway through the show. So I’m going to break for the second sponsor. And when we come back, I want to talk about so we’ve basically asked questions about specific types of sexual dysfunction and what the underlying things and then I want to talk about, you know, maybe what you’ve seen with your clients on how not only they have shifted that but how other parts of their lives have shifted as a result, so we’ll get to that on the other side of the break.

All right, men, are you tired of falling short in the bedroom and in your relationship? Do you want your woman to respect you and crave your coffee? Do you want to be the man she secretly brags about to all her friends? What if you could become this man? What if you could not only master your masculine sexuality but also be the dream man who shows up for his woman in all the ways she desires? What if you could become so irresistible that she becomes addicted to you if you’re ready to become that man, then check out my Become the man of Your and her dreams coaching program by going to Kevinandceline.com/go/manofherdreams, that is all one-word man of her dreams. The link is in the description. As always, this is where we teach you how to show up as that powerful masculine man who shows up for her and all the ways that she desires. And that’s Kevinandceline.com/go/manofherdreams.

Okay, so we’ve been talking about common sexual dysfunctions, and what some of the underlying mental, emotional psychological issues underneath them are. Obviously, you know, there’s no way in one show, we could talk about how do you solve all of those things. I mean, jeez, though, that’s, that’s been 300 episodes of this show, to get to that point of how you solve all of this stuff. However, the main, you know, the topic of this show is how solving those things can improve other areas of your life. And one of the reasons why I wanted to go into them individually and talk about the mental, emotional, psychological things is because you’ll notice that if you are, let’s say, you know, suffering as a man with some sort of not feeling in your masculine power, that’s not just going to affect your erections, that’s most likely having effects in other areas of your life.

Same thing with a woman if you are, you know, if you’re feeling like let’s see, we were talking about sexual, sorry, painful sex, right? And there’s shame or abuse under that, then that is probably also affecting other areas of your life. And that’s why I wanted to really cover those things because I wanted you to know that it’s not just you can’t get it up. It’s not just you’re not interested in sex, there’s something else there. And when you understand the other possible things that could be underneath it, you start to go, oh, yeah, trauma doesn’t just affect, you know, my sex trauma affects all this disempowerment doesn’t affect just my sex, it affects all these other things. So now that we understand that, we’ve got some good examples of that, I’m wondering if you could share some maybe success stories, like if you have any examples of a client where you worked on a particular type of sexual issue, and then what they saw in other areas of their life.

Sureya Leonara 37:47
Yeah, I have one female client who has just over gone such a complete, she’s had such a complete life transformation over the past because we’ve been working together a little over six months. But she had all kinds of childhood trauma, some types of sexual trauma, just feeling disconnected from her sexual energy in certain ways, feeling unsafe in it, and a lot of ways it was very hard for her to she was very attracted to men that were very unsafe and dangerous. And there was a lot of cross-wiring around like what is attractive and, and what’s actually dangerous, and finding safety and sexual attraction within the same context was very difficult for her. And so we did a lot of work, unpacking childhood trauma, and, you know, her relationship with her sexuality, reclaiming sexual sovereignty and tapping into a way to nourish and connect with her own sexual energy, which I think is another really important thing that we didn’t quite touch on.

But in terms of being able to really enjoy sex, I think having that connection with your own sexual energy and ways that you live a turned-on life is very important. But she started learning how to connect with her own sexuality in really meaningful ways, how to fill her own cup, and kind of be able to reclaim a sense of like, this is my sexual energy. This isn’t like the person this is this doesn’t belong to the person who abused me, this doesn’t belong to like all of these terrible partners I’ve had, who made me feel some kind of way about my sexuality. But this is actually my connection with the Divine my connection with my body. And this rippled out into every area of her life, where like everyone at work was saying things like, you just seem different lately, you carry yourself differently, your voice sounds different. And she would even she would refer to herself from an earlier chapter of life and one of our sessions and her voice would get really bouncy, and she’d kind of curl in on herself.

And it was it was the sharp contrast to like how she was sitting and talking today and the ways that she carries herself and so her ways of drawing boundaries completely shifted. She climbed higher up in her company, she actually realized she didn’t even necessarily want to be doing the work that she’s doing and sort of tapping into a higher sense of purpose, or a whole type of person that she’s attracted to change. So she, whereas previously, she was attracted to these men who were very unhealthy and full of red flags, she actually noticed that there was a guy who had been a friend of hers who was courting her for a long time. And she hadn’t even been able to see him as attractive, because it was so contrast to her trauma-bonding patterns. And as she cleared this trauma, she realized, like, well, I’m actually really attracted to this guy. And he’s actually really good for me and a really healthy match. And so it was wild to see how much repattern just in her perception of men and, and how she went about that. So it was pretty cool to see, you know, every area of her life start to shift, and mostly just seeing how she showed up every week, just her posture and the way she carried herself was such a marked difference.

Kevin Anthony 40:58
Yeah, that’s a beautiful story. I’ll share one as well, which is I had a client, this is one of the early ones where I really recognize that pattern of impatience. And so there’s an interesting thing that happens with people who are impatient all the time, which is that they tend to have a lot of anxiety. And one of the reasons is, when you want something, or when you want everything, right away all the time. Well, life just doesn’t work that way. There’s a lot of things that you want it right away, but it doesn’t happen, you want you know, the better job or you want more money or you want the new house, you want the new car, you want the better relationship where you want to let like all this stuff you want. But it doesn’t all just happen right away. Right?

So then what happens is you get more anxious about it, right? And then you end up really if you let it go too far, in this constant state of anxiety, because you have all these wants that are never being satisfied as quickly as you actually want them to be satisfied. And so, you know, this is a great example of somebody coming to me with an issue of premature ejaculation, we discover this underlying pattern of impatience, we start getting him working on, you know, like meditation and breath, work and slowing down and you know, working on expanding his patience, and all of a sudden, this anxiety level overall in life just drops dramatically, which, of course, is also helping his sexual performance. So that’s another example of, you know, how you, you can solve something, you know, in the realm of your sexuality, that also ripples out any other interesting ones you want to share?

Sureya Leonara 42:47
Well, something I’ve seen in a lot of clients that has been really cool is, you know, for a lot of men that are having issues with ED or PE. It’s like, it’s like they perceive entire worlds as being closed to them. Like I’ve worked with so many men who are like, Well, I haven’t even dated in years, I haven’t even tried to get my foot in the door, because I’m dealing with this issue. And so, you know, they’ve been lonely, they’ve been, they’ve been single, they’ve been cutting themselves off from meaningful connection because they’re scared to even get to the point where they’re faced with this issue. So I’ve seen it happen for a lot of clients where, as we start moving through whatever their psychological root of that issue was, it opens up a whole new level of embodiment and confidence where they can start dating again, they can start having healthy relationships. And they can just start feeling more confident in the way that they go after other opportunities to whether that’s at work or pushing their edges to get out in the world and explore in ways that they didn’t have the confidence to before I think it just infuses them with such a different level of confidence. That when before they had that it was holding them back on so many different levels, things that they wouldn’t even attempt, because there was this deep-seated insecurity just permeating every area of their life.

Kevin Anthony 44:01
Yeah, I completely agree that the confidence piece is huge. It’s amazing how much we as men, tie our worth into our ability to perform sexually. We just do whether you know, whether that’s good or not, we absolutely do and when we can’t show up in that way that means, you know, like, if you if you’re going to if you want to represent the masculine from a nature perspective, it’s all about the penis. I mean, the symbol for masculine is even like a big, you know, circle with a penis sticking out of it, right, like not necessarily saying that that’s all we’re worth. And that’s all we’re good for. But that’s there is there is something to that, that you know, it is such a big part of who we are how we see ourselves as men that when we are not functioning in that way It really can have a devastating impact on our confidence throughout the rest of our lives. So yeah, definitely a huge pattern that I’ve seen as well.

Sureya Leonara 45:09
Absolutely, that’s your young directive poll, that’s where you guys are wired to lead from. And so if that is, you know, lacking confidence that’s gonna ripple out into so many other areas of life. And, you know, it is interesting I have, I have had clients where they’re really good in business or money or some other high-intensity sensation, area they have they do have high capacity for but then in their sex life, they don’t. And so what’s cool about that is, I mean, everybody has areas in their life where they are more skilled at navigating high-intensity sensation. And we can take that area of life and transfer the skills like well, what is it that allows you to show up for your fitness practice in the way you do, or your business in the way you do or conflict in the way you do? And how can we transfer those skills and those things that help you to how you navigate high-intensity sensation in the bedroom? So whether that’s anxiety or just large amounts of pleasure, these skills can often be transferred as a two-way street, between the bedroom and the other areas of life. So that’s a really fun thing to play with, as well.

Kevin Anthony 46:14
He’s a huge just connected a.in my brain that I have not thought about before. So, you know, I often talk about so you were using the term sort of capacity for high intensity, you know, stimulation, right? And, you know, I have often used different terms when, when working with men about that talking about, you know, how we can sort of readjust their, their arousal levels, like sort of managing arousal levels is really the term that I call that it’s like, how do you not get overwhelmed by the arousal, how can you manage that level in a way that’s sustainable, but because of the language that you were using, that just just made my mind go in another direction, which is this, so I teach this stuff because it was my life long before I ever decided to teach it like I was I loved getting to figure out how to do all this stuff and how to be good at it.

And so you know, I have mastered that over the years. And I have a very good capacity for met for either managing or dealing with a lot of like, high-intensity sensations, and the dot that got connected was this, I also my entire life have been an absolute adrenaline sports junkie. And I never made that connection before that there might actually be a link there. So you know, I spent, I spent decades of my life, you know, rock climbing around the world, I’ve jumped out of airplanes, I raced downhill mountain bikes, I still do a lot of this stuff, you know, to this day, and I’m turning 50 and a couple of weeks, you know, so I never thought about the fact that I have a large capacity for that sort of really intense type activity, that that might also be helping me in the bedroom.

Sureya Leonara 48:16
100%. Yeah, because, you know, if you’re rock climbing, and you’re in a tight spot, if you you know, tense your whole body and start to panic, that’s not going to serve you well, so much of what allows you to engage these kinds of sports is is finding that inner Zen and being able to relax so that you can think clearly and move from that centered place. And it’s the same thing in the bedroom. If you contract, it’s going to squeeze that orgasm out, it’s going to create less space in the body. You know, I when I look at building capacity, it’s like creating space within the body to be with that energy to let it move instead of clamping around it. And then you’re almost squeezing it out like a king’s toes where it has nowhere to go. And so you ejaculate. And so being able to create more space for it to move from a place of choice and being able to channel and direct it and you’re doing the same thing and those extreme sports. So I think there’s absolutely a link between them.

Kevin Anthony 49:12
Yeah, you’re absolutely right. Now, if, if you’re not a rock climber, you may not quite get it as much. But like I used to use the example of because I used to do what’s called trad climbing, I still do a little bit not as much as I used to. But try climbing is short for traditional climbing. And that’s where you go up a rock face and there’s no bolts, there’s no nothing on the rock. You’re just finding the little cracks in the little places and you’re going up there and you’re putting pieces of metal in there cams, nuts, whatever. You’re putting little pieces of metal in there and trusting your life that that’s going to hold in that little crack. You’ve just stuck it in if you fall. And so the example I used to use all the time is like, you know, when you’re 15 feet above the last piece of gear that you put in, and you put it in but you’ve really didn’t like it, like, we used to call them confidence pieces, you know, like, it’s you put it in, because it’s all you got, but you had basically almost no confidence that it was gonna hold, but it was better than nothing, right?

You’re just like, I’d rather have something in there than nothing, but absolutely do not fall because I do not trust that that thing’s actually going to catch me right. You also have to realize too, that if you’re 15 feet above your last piece, so now look at it this way, this this point here, right that I’m moving, if you’re watching, this is where your piece is, this is your sort of fulcrum, right when you fall, you’re 15 feet above it. Now you are 15 feet below it, which is a total of at least a 30-foot fall, you’ve also got rope stretch in there. So you know, however far above your last piece, you are taking a larger than to time fall, that distance, right? So and then of course, you’re trusting that that piece is actually going to hold you and that you’re not going to bounce off the rock too hard on the way down. And so you’re absolutely right, when you’re in that position, and you’re starting to get tired. And the move that you’re gonna make is hard and you’re starting to shake, the absolute worst thing you can do is tense up. you tense up, you’re gonna burn out and you’re going to fall and it’s going to be bad. Yeah, so how do you stay calm when that adrenaline is surging through your body and think clearly and make good decisions? And get yourself out of that? Yeah, that is the sport of intense rock climbing?

Sureya Leonara 51:30
Yes, yeah. And those skills can be transferred to so many different things. And so I think that’s, that’s really helpful when we can look at like, where do I know how to do this? And what is it that enables me to do that? And how can I transfer it to the areas of life that I’m struggling with doing that?

Kevin Anthony 51:47
Yeah, absolutely. You know, I had a client recently, who was really successful, you know, business-wise, but was really struggling in the bedroom, mostly with being able to last long enough. And so as I’m teaching him some of the practices to help him last longer, he was like, like, I taught him a breathing practice. I taught him was the other one I taught him. I don’t even remember off the top of my head. But anyway, in several times, I was like, Okay, so now we’re gonna do this practice. And he’s like, Oh, that sounds like this other practice that I do? Well, because it is, it’s the same thing. And he’s like, Oh, I have been using that business for years. Right? It never hurts. But it never occurred to him to use that in the bedroom. Right?

So that’s kind of the reverse of what we’re talking about is like, he was using mindfulness techniques and breathing techniques in order to be able to stay calm in like, you know, big business situations and make good decisions and all that. And as he put it, basically calms his nervous system down when he’s in like, intense business situations. And it never occurred to him to do the same thing in the bedroom. Right? So it’s just, you know, it’s a reverse, but it’s another example of how these things are. So like, it was a light bulb that went off in his brain. He was like, Oh, my God, I already know how to do this. I just not applying it in the right areas.

Sureya Leonara 53:11
Yes, exactly. And I think it feels so counterintuitive. Sometimes, you know, a lot of times, sex makes us want to breathe really fast and heavy. And if we can slow that down, and you know, a lot of times the muscles tense during sex as well. So it can feel counterintuitive. But yeah, it’s the same thing like in a high-intensity, business sensation or conflict. We our typical knee-jerk reaction will be to tense and to forget to breathe in. So if we can remember to slow it down and reroute that and bring the breath into it, it just opens up a lot more space, and basically any situation that we’re in.

Kevin Anthony 53:46
Yeah, absolutely. All right. Well, we are pretty much at the end of the show. I’m wondering if you have any last advice for people when it comes to either solving their sexual dysfunction or, you know, other you know, working with other areas of their life? And needless last words of advice for the listeners?

Sureya Leonara 54:09
Yeah, I would just say that to remember that your body is is a mirror for the rest of your life. And that if something is something’s not functioning in the way that you want it to be, get really curious and practice meeting your body where it is, I think we’re so demanding of our bodies, and we’re very quick to blame them for doing something wrong, but they are so incredibly intelligent and they’re always guiding us home to ourselves. And so if we can stay curious and really form an allyship with them, I think that we’re gonna find ourselves to be much healthier and living the types of life lives that we want. So making time to slow down and listen and learn the language of your body is huge.

Kevin Anthony 54:49
Yeah, absolutely. Great advice. Please tell the listeners where they can find more about you and the work that you do because you know we through a lot A lot of stuff out there about what could be in the way. And you know, we made some bold claims about you know how their lives can improve. But I understand that there’s a lot of work that needs to be done in order to get to those places. And then it’s not always easy to do on your own. So, therefore, working with somebody like you, or somebody like me, is a great way for people to shortcut that and get to where they want to go faster, easier, or maybe at all, where they maybe they wouldn’t be able to get there by themselves. So where can they find out more about you?

Sureya Leonara 55:34
Absolutely. You can learn more about me and my work on my website, which is sureyaleonara.com. I also have a podcast, excuse me called nectar, sex and soul. And an on my website, I have online courses, I work with people one-on-one. And if you hop on my mailing list, you’ll get my free practice called Making Love with life. And you can stay in touch for my upcoming offerings.

Kevin Anthony 56:00
Awesome. Links for that will be in the description below. Okay, I have one last question for you that I asked everybody that comes on the show. And that is, what is your best sexual talent?

Sureya Leonara 56:13
Oh, my best sexual talent? I’ve never been asked that question before. I know, I know. That’s a great question. I would say attunement, I would say being able to really, really tune into my lover and listen deeply and then give and communicate from that place of deep listening.

Kevin Anthony 56:38
That is a wonderful talent. It is an essential one for any woman that I’m with, that’s for sure. She needs to really be in tune just like I need to be really intuitive to her as well. So that is a wonderful talent to have.

Sureya Leonara 56:54
Yeah, I love that question. Thank you for asking. What is yours? Has anybody ever asked what yours is?

Kevin Anthony 57:00
No, you know what, nobody has asked? No, nobody’s ever returned that question back at me. Darn. Yeah, I would say, I would say I’m gonna I’m gonna give two in this one, which is very similar. So my ability to be really present and aware during lovemaking. And then also to be able to last long enough to just ride wave after wave after wave. While holding that and maintaining that presence throughout the entire session that we are making up I would I would say those are probably my, my best sexual talents.

Sureya Leonara 57:40
I love it. Also very important ones. I’m glad I got to be the first person to pop your cherry on that question.

Kevin Anthony 57:48
Who’s doing the interview here? No. Just kidding. That was actually fun.

Sureya Leonara 57:57
Thank you so much for having me, Kevin.

Kevin Anthony 57:59
Well, thank you for coming on the show. I think it was really great. I think we did a really good job of exploring the topic that we wanted to cover today. And I hope that that piqued people’s interest and got them thinking a little bit more about, you know, what might be underlying their issues and how their lives may be able to improve if they take the time to do the work and solve the issues. All right, everybody. That’s all the time that I have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends. And for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion vault at KevinandCéline.com/vault. That’s KevinandCéline.com/vault. Thanks for listening. And remember, as Céline used to say you’re amazing!