How Women Can Help Fix Men’s Sexual Dysfunction With Alex Grendi

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman single or a couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:28
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 234. And it is titled how women can help fix men’s sexual dysfunction with Alex Grundy. I hope I pronounced your name correctly, you can correct me in a minute. Okay, so this is an interesting topic. I remember I don’t even know how many years this goes back. It goes back quite a few years, I was reading a book and it wasn’t even a book specifically about sexuality. But the author of the book told a story about this woman that he ended up having sex with, who basically taught him this principle of how she could help him last longer and do better in bed. And as soon as I read it, I like this light bulb went off in my head and I went, Oh, yeah, I get it. That’s why with some women, it’s so much easier than with other women.

And it just made total sense. And from that point on, you know, this was many, many years ago, long before I did this sort of thing for a living. So it really sent me on a path of figuring out how that all worked and the dynamic between the two. And I can tell you from my own personal experience that it absolutely is true. And we are going to dive into that pretty deeply today with our guests.

But before we do that quick word from our sponsor, do you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed and then check out power and mastery it is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at power and mastery.com. As you know, if you listen to the show powermastery.com is the series of men’s sexual mastery courses that Céline And I created. It is amazing. It’s going to teach you some of what we talked about today and a whole lot more. So if you are needing help in the bedroom, check out power and mastery.com That is power and mastery.com. Okay, so our guest today is Alex Grundy, and he is mens sex coach here to help you overcome PE and Ed in the bedroom so you can become the best lover you can be and step into the best version of yourself as a man, his mission is to take you from fear and anxiety in the bedroom to complete confidence and control. So welcome to the Love Lab podcast. Alex,

Alex Grendi 2:56
thank you so much for having me. And yes, you did pronounce my name perfectly.

Kevin Anthony 3:00
Excellent. I usually ask that question before we start recording then I realized I just made an assumption about how to pronounce your name. You got it. So I’m happy to have you on the show, Alex. So if the listeners if you’ve listened to this show for any length of time, you know that we’re not about competition here. In other words, we’ve had a lot of people on the show that teach the same things that we teach. And you know, sometimes especially early on in the show, people would say to us, why are you having that person on the show like they’re totally your competition. And from our point of view, it was always, hey, look, it’s not about competition.

And as much as you may love the advice we give, we want you to understand that, you know, while we do have our own unique spin, and we do come up with our own original ideas, this stuff is tried and true that lots of people know about it. Like this isn’t some made-up woo-woo wacky stuff that we created like this is real deal stuff. And there are lots of people all around the world who know it and who teach it. And so it helps to have different perspectives. And that’s why I’m happy to have Alex here because you do very similar things to what I do. And so I want people to hear it from your perspective. And so we’re going to dive into the title of this show, right, which is how women can help and get your perspective on it. And of course, I’ll add my perspective as well.

Alex Grendi 4:21
Awesome. Yeah. And I really appreciate you just sharing that because I feel the same way. Like there are not enough coaches in this space to take care of every man and every woman. So instead, I initially thought, oh, it’s competition and worry about sharing the information. But actually, I’ve come to realize we’re more like colleagues. There’s like, very few of us in the world trying to help men and women. So yeah, we’re on the same mission and whether, you know, people resonate with You are me, that’s for them to decide, and we’ll all attract who we’re supposed to attract and work with.

Kevin Anthony 5:06
Absolutely. That’s exactly right. And you’re right, I see us all as colleagues as well. And there aren’t that many people out there doing this end of all the people that are out there doing it, not that many of them are really great at it. We need as many as many hands on deck that are good at this as possible. Okay. So I’m literally gonna dive right into the deep end, we’re not even going to wait in the shallow end at all. My first question is, many times both men and women assume that if a man has sexual dysfunction, that it’s up to him to handle it. However, you and I both know that the woman has a critical role to play as well. And so what I’m wondering is, can you share with the listeners your point of view on what the woman’s role is in helping men with their sexual dysfunction?

Alex Grendi 5:55
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, there’s a couple of different factors that contribute here, whether it’s, you know, a first-time partner or relationship, but in general, the woman has an opportunity to really support her man in being able to perform at his best. Now, if a woman has just the expectation that a man has to be good, and I expect him to be perfect, and puts a lot of pressure on him, then it’s going to be really difficult for him to perform. But if a woman really makes a man feel safe, and I think this might be what you’re alluding to earlier, is, you know, if a man feels like he can be himself, and he’s not under pressure, and there aren’t expectations, there’s an opportunity for him to really be confident, as opposed to being in fear and anxiety. So there are various things women can do to help men feel safer in the bedroom.

Kevin Anthony 6:58
Yeah, so let’s start with that, because that’s a great place to start, which is the anxiety that comes along with having to perform in bed. And this is something that a lot of times, women don’t understand, they might have anxiety for other reasons. But performing in bed generally isn’t one of them for women, right, because their body parts don’t need to transform, in order for them to have sex, they might need a little extra lube from the outside, but at the end of the day, they can always kind of pull it off and fake it, whereas men can’t, right, we need to get an erection. And so when we are with a partner, especially a new partner, there’s pressure, there’s pressure to you have to get an erection, right, you have to maintain that erection, you have to figure out how to control your ejaculation all the while she’s like screaming, going crazy and pulling on your energy super hard. And you’re supposed to just weather that storm, right, and get through it. So there’s a lot of pressure there. And so the first thing is really, women can help by not putting a lot of pressure on men, and you have any maybe examples of how women can do that.

Alex Grendi 8:04
Yeah, I think for starters, is to slow down, and kind of ease into the process. You know, there are different types of energies when you’re with a woman and a woman who’s kind of what’s the right word? Kind of has this like taking energy, like, give it to me, now I want it now and I want it harder. You know, that’s a lot of pressure. That’s like, whoa, okay, I need to perform and give her what she wants, as opposed to it being this really slow, gradual kind of mindful feeling into what everyone wants and needs as opposed to kind of demanding something. Because that immediately for me is pressure. It’s like, oh, well, okay.

Kevin Anthony 8:54
Yeah, so for sure. So I love that idea of taking it slowly easing into it. This is something that we of course, always teach the men to write, because a lot of times the men get so excited, oh my god, I’m finally going to have sex with her. I’m gonna get to have sex with her. There’s just so they want to jump right in, they want to go straight for penetration. And then when they penetrate, they go straight into porn sex, right? Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, right? They just go way, way too fast. And so it’s an interesting point that not only can the men go too fast, but the women can go too fast, too. Right?

They can be like, give it to me. Now they can start moving really, really quickly, not giving him time to sort of adjust get used to that energy. So yeah, love that slowing down is a good one. There’s, there’s another thing that both you and I kind of mentioned here, briefly, and I’m sure that it went right over everybody’s head because we didn’t really talk about it yet. But that’s this idea of her energy, the intensity of her energy sort of pulling on you as the man. So I mentioned at the beginning of the show that I had read this book years ago This author of the book was talking about how this woman helped him be better. And that was what he was talking about how her sexual energy could literally pull on him. And if you think about it, this is evolutionary, she’s literally trying to pull the sperm, right out of you, she probably doesn’t realize that she’s doing it, but she is. So I’m wondering what you know about that? And like maybe how you could explain how that dynamic works between a man and a woman.

Alex Grendi 10:33
Yeah, I think what you were saying earlier, how a man can get overly excited and go too fast and kind of mimic what he sees in porn. A lot of women learn from porn as well. So they think, Hey, I just want to be fuck, like a porn star. You know, so skip the foreplay, like, grab you and just like put it in and go as fast as you can. And this can just be so overwhelming, you know, and having someone specifically like grabbing at you, you know, and pulling you in, in that way can wait, I’m not ready for that, you know, I’m not warmed up, I’m not properly in the mood. And then it can feel like you’re being forced a little bit, not against your will. But like, I’m not ready yet. So it feels like you’re over-trying when it’s not the right time. And that can really put you off and then just be in this spiral of pressure of like, Oh, now I need to get hard. She wants me to be hard. And then now you’re like fighting against it, as opposed to someone taking that more gradual approach and really being more sensual with the touch and allowing that arousal to build kind of gradually.

Kevin Anthony 11:50
Yeah, I think there’s this common misconception that men should always be ready to go immediately. Yeah, oh, yeah. And, you know, this, I think, is maybe some of this comes from porn, because, you know, they don’t film The fluffers over there, getting the guy ready, before he steps in front of the camera, right? So there’s this idea that the man needs to be hard instantly and ready to go for as long as he wants. And the reality is, is that for most men, that’s not how it works, right? Men actually do need some time to get warmed up, you know, maybe, especially as they get older, they need a little bit more time to achieve a strong enough erection. So there are definitely some things that need to happen next, well, we always think of it is in terms of, you know, the woman is the one that wants all the foreplay, and the man just wants to go right away, right? But the reality is, is that’s not always true, especially as men get older. And so the tip there for women is not only to slow down but spend some time, spend some time warming him up, getting him ready, getting him up to the task, so to speak.

Alex Grendi 13:03
Yeah, and I think, you know, this advice works both ways. I always, you know, tell men that I work with to slow down, but also ask your partner what they want, and how they like to be touched. And I think it’s, you know, easy for women to assume, Oh, a guy just wants me to touch his penis, well, okay, but some guys might want you to touch it in one way, and another guy might want you to touch it a different way. So, you know, personally, for me, I want to be teased, I don’t want if a woman just goes straight from my penis, to me, that feels like pressure. You know, I want to be built up and, I need to share that with my partners. But as a woman, you can support a man by doing that ahead of time, you know, and saying, Hey, how do you like to be touched? How would you like for me to, you know, support you? And that’s just like, Ah, I don’t have to like, overthink it, I don’t have to hope she does what I want. Because a lot of guys are afraid to ask for what they want as well in the bedroom. So as a woman, you can, you know, really, really support a man by asking these types of questions.

Kevin Anthony 14:16
Yeah, no. And I can tell the listeners that you know, as a sex coach, there are way more men out there that feel the same way that you do than they realize. Right? Yeah. So like, because again, there’s this assumption that the guys always just want you to go straight for the COC. Go right there, go fast, go furious. They’ll always be ready. But that’s really not necessarily true. There are a lot of guys that I work with who feel the same way that you do.

And as we age as men, the number of those men who feel that way gets higher and higher and there are hormonal reasons for that. So as we age as men, our progesterone levels are dropping and our test data Jerome levels are dropping, but that’s leaving our estrogen levels high. Right. And so we’ve done whole shows on this in the past when something was here, we did a show on it as well, which was talking about, I think we call it something along the lines of she wants to a quickie and he wants to cuddle. And it had to do with the differences between the hormonal shifts that happen because in women, their estrogen levels will drop, right, and the progesterone levels will drop, leaving them more testosterone dominated than they were when they were younger. But for men, it’s completely the opposite. So this is where like the whole, you know, women in their 40s, you know, they’re cougars, right?

They’re out there trying to get all the young men because they’re being more run now by their testosterone than they were when they were younger. Whereas men are being more run by their estrogen. And they’re like, hey, hey, we’ll slow down. How about we cuddle? First, let’s talk a little bit, let’s get to know each other, right? Hey, I need a little bit more time to get interaction. So these are, these are changes that happen as we age. And so you know, we’re talking about men and what they want, as far as you know, either going straight to the cock, or, hey, let’s take it a little slower. Not only are there men that want it to take, you know, take it slower, even when they’re younger.

But as we age, you’ll see you’ll run into more and more of those men. So I’m going to skip a couple of questions here because this is a really good place to jump into another question I had, which is because you’ve already talked a little bit about sort of what you want and what you need, and what you view as pressure. And so what I’m curious about is your own journey, right? Because I know we talked about this a little bit in the pre-interview, I’m wondering if you could tell the listeners about your journey, like, Where were you? Were you? Were you completely awful in bed? Or like what was going on there? And how did you come around to where you are now? And what are the main points that you learned along the way?

Alex Grendi 16:58
Yeah, sure. And, you know, it wasn’t that I was so awful in bed. Actually, my journey kind of started because, in the beginning, I always had a lot of sex. And I was very sexually active. I come from a very sexually liberal family where my parents were talking about sex openly. So to me, that felt really normal that couples should be having sex, and it’s very healthy to have sex. So that that was very natural for me.

Yeah, it was really, I mean, it came with some boundary crossing, for sure. But you know, it wasn’t, I don’t know if I was ready to hear it when I did. But in hindsight, I think it’s definitely better. For me to have been exposed to that, like beautiful intimacy and knowing that my parents connected then thinking they never did.

But as I started to have sex in high school, my first experience and thereafter was met with a lot of fear and anxiety and nervousness and wondering if I was going to be good enough, if I was going to be big enough, and what the girls were going to tell their friends about me, especially in high school, you know, when it’s so clicky, and everybody’s talking about everyone. So that was a really scary experience for me. And I never really felt like, you know, comfortable during sex, even though I was having a lot of sex. So I think immediately for me, I was in a performance mindset, where I was trying to, like, get the task done, as opposed to focusing on my pleasure focusing on her pleasure.

It was very much performance oriented. And another big factor for me, which carried through my first 15 years of sexual experience was around penis size, shame. So growing up watching porn and matching myself up and being like, Okay, well, I don’t have what those guys have, like, I must be really small. And that was kind of the expectation that I put on myself that I shouldn’t be having, you know, a huge eight-inch plus penis and anything less than that was just not going to be good enough for women. Which was ridiculous and unrealistic. But that was what I did. You know, and that’s, that’s who I compared myself to. And that was pretty much what kind of crippled me in my anxiety and fear during the first 15 years of my sexual experience.

Kevin Anthony 19:45
Yeah, it’s just I want to just pause for a moment to talk about that. And then I want to hear the rest of your journey. This is a common thing that happens to men and this is why sex education like real sex education, not the little tiny bit of crap that they give you in some schools. But this is why it’s so important, right? Because the reality is, I don’t know how big your penis is. But I can tell you that the average man’s penis, if I recall correctly is about five or five and a half inches. That’s, that’s the average. That means 50% of the men are smaller than that. Right? So here you are looking at eight-inch penises, which are way above the average, like, way above the average, and thinking you’re too small when most likely you’re probably above average.

Alex Grendi 20:35
Yeah, and, you know, to just say it candidly, I am above average. And but at the same time, I read a study that it’s something like 65% of men with above average-sized penises still think they have a small penis?

Kevin Anthony 20:55
They’re comparing to like, the top 1% of penis owners, right? Yeah. Like literally the top 1%. Like when you’re looking at porn, and you’re looking at these eight, you know, nine-inch penises or more, maybe even 12.

Very, very, very few men on this planet have penises that big. And I can tell you, we actually did a whole show at one point about what men with big penises can do. Because everybody, not everybody. A lot of guys think that having a big penis like that is great. They all wish they had a giant penis like that. I can personally tell you, not because I have a 12-inch penis, but because I have spoken with a lot of men who do have large penises. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it’s actually rather difficult for them. And their sexual pleasure and gratification tend to be less because it’s harder to use a penis that big with most women. So got that.

Alex Grendi 21:56
That’s exactly the experience I’ve had talking with men and I’ve explored this topic a lot. And I’ve had friends reach out and be like, it’s a burden. Honestly, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to stop because the woman was in pain, or even been turned down when they see it, which I could imagine would be, you know, you, you think if you don’t have a big penis, that that’s what you would want almost right? Like, oh, it’s so big. She doesn’t even want to have sex with me. It’s like, that’s a rejection. And that’s not good to have, you know, I’ve good. No. And so, and also men sharing that they’re, you know, not able to use the full extent of their penis and go as hard and fast as they want to, you know, even in moments where they’re just always holding back and in fear of hurting their partner. I mean, you’re like walking on eggshells, that would be really challenging.

Kevin Anthony 22:56
Yeah, and it is. And every man that I’ve worked with, who has a large penis, like that experiences those challenges, and it’s hard for them, it really is it actually takes away from the quality of their sex life. And they have to learn techniques to try to make the best of it. So it’s not, it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. And you know, if Céline were here, or any other woman were here, she would tell you that she doesn’t need that there are a few size queens out there who are just like, yeah, give me a giant penis. But again, we’re talking about the top 1%. Like very few women actually want that. What most women want is just a good decent size penis and a man who knows how to use it.

Alex Grendi 23:36
Yeah, I mean, as you said, there is such a thing as genital compatibility. And it’s okay if you are one of those few women who really enjoys and needs or wants a large penis, you know, and as a man, for myself, you know, if that’s the case, then it’s not the right match. It’s not like, Oh, my God, it’s because I’m so small. It’s like, No, you know, she likes a really particular thing in a very small percentage of men have, and that’s okay. You know, that’s just not a match. And it’s not that I’m not good enough.

Kevin Anthony 24:11
Absolutely. So let’s get back to your story a little bit. So you at a certain point, I think maybe around high school-ish or so you were having a lot of sex, but you had a lot of pressure. And you were feeling like you were too small. So you had some size issues. So kind of where did it go from there? Did it get worse? Did it get better? Did you go out and seek certain tools or help or classes or coaches? Like where did your journey go from there?

Alex Grendi 24:36
Yeah, so that kind of continued and persisted through my 20s and into my late 20s. So for about between 10 and 15 years, where it was kind of just the same story. There were certain women whom I felt more comfortable with and girlfriends that I had where, you know, things were a lot better, but I still use Things like marijuana and alcohol, before sex to feel, you know, take the edge off and feel more comfortable. But it wasn’t until there were a couple of different factors. But I would say, because I felt so comfortable talking about sex, there were people in my life that were like, one, one guy in particular, because like, you should be a sex coach.

And I was like, what is that? You know, like, I had never heard of that before, I was totally intrigued. And started doing research and learned about various coaches in the space and what they were teaching. And, you know, as someone who had had a lot of sexual experiences, even though they weren’t as good as I wanted them to be, and I experienced erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation, and even delayed ejaculation, I have had every performance anxiety there is. It was, you know, this opportunity for me, as someone who’s had a ton of sexual experience to see what these experts were teaching, and very soon, I realized I knew nothing. You know, and I was someone who had every partner and tried everything.

And I just felt like, you know, I didn’t think I was the best, but I thought I knew a lot. And I was just like, complete humility in just being like, wow, okay, everything I thought I knew was wrong. And what I started to experience in my body in terms of moving my energy and feeling control and confidence in the bedroom and accepting myself. It just completely changed my sex life forever. So that was the moment where I was like, oh, okay, yeah, I want to share this with everyone, because my biggest weakness has now become one of my biggest strengths. And if I can do that, having, you know, put myself down for 15 years, I feel like anyone can. And that’s been my mission ever since.

Kevin Anthony 27:05
That’s a fantastic story. And, you know, one of the, one of the sorts of first steps to mastery is understanding that you don’t know anything. Right? Yeah. So So anybody that tells you they know it all, I’ve got it all down. I know it all, you know, they’re not a master. It’s usually the ones that go, wow, after studying this for 20 years, I finally realized, I don’t know anything. Which is certainly true. But the idea behind it is, is you realize that you get back to that beginner’s mind, that state of open mind where you realize that there’s always something new that you could learn. And that’s the idea when you really want to master something.

Alex Grendi 27:45
Yeah, and, you know, even though I had all of this experience, still no one taught me, you know, I learned from partners, I learned from, you know, porn, I learned from friends and tips and tricks from different, you know, guys, but at the same time, no one I knew had had like a formal sexual education. So I was flying blind, you know, and then to have kind of a structure and an understanding of what was possible was even just like what you know, like,

Kevin Anthony 28:17
and that’s the story for most people, most people do not get a proper sexual education, and they’re literally flying blind. They are just learning through, you know, porn, trial and error, lots of mistakes, and nobody ever takes the time to really teach them properly. And that’s why what you do and what I do are so important. You know, if I could, if I could really impart anything to the listeners, it’s that this is an important part of your life and who you are, why wouldn’t you take the time to be good at it? Right?

So your story is you had lots of sexual experiences, but you also as you said, had like every sexual dysfunction in the book right and so you were trying to like figure all that stuff out. You know, just super quick about my story because I’ve told it plenty of times on the show I don’t need to go into it in depth but in my case was a little bit different. I just on all my early sexual experiences, I just always had the desire to be as good as I could be. I never thought that I was bad at it. I didn’t have any erectile dysfunction. I always thought I wanted to last longer. Now that I do this for a living and I understand all the stats and the numbers, I realized I was way above the average and how long I lasted.

But it still wasn’t where I wanted to be. Because, you know, when you’re young, like a lot of times women haven’t really found their orgasm yet. They don’t necessarily feel safe and comfortable, right. So like it takes them a while to get there. So even if your lasting, you know, 1020 30 minutes they still might not get to the place where they have an orgasm so my goal always was like, I need to be able to last long enough that she comes first like that. That’s always what I was trying to do. And so I was just out there pursuing whatever I could to try to be better because I just wanted to be good at it.

And that took me down all kinds of different paths and rabbit holes and studying under a bunch of different teachers and reading lots of books. And you know, having a lot of lovers having some that were high-level tantrikas is and learning from them. And, and, and things like that. So a little bit different scenario. But what’s interesting is, I never planned on teaching any of this, that was never my goal. But people started asking me, they started saying, hey, this actually happened.

If Céline was here, she’d tell you the story, because it was pretty funny. But when we first got together, I was living in a shared house with several other roommates. And you know, your roommates would have friends over here and there and so suddenly was over one day, and we were having sex in my room. And you know, Sneed was extremely vocal during sex. And later on, like, that was the same day later that day or the next day, but one of my roommate’s friends came up to me, he’s like, I’m Kevin, I, I heard you before. And I was wondering, could you teach me how to do that? And that used to happen to a lot of people, not necessarily because they heard me, but I don’t know, for whatever reason, people would just ask me like, hey, how do you do this? And how can I be better at that? And what should I do about this? And then it just got to the point where it’s like, okay, way too many people are asking for this. So we better teach it. But that showed that there was a huge need and a huge desire out there for people to want to learn this stuff.

Alex Grendi 31:44
You know, and it’s similar to my story in the sense that someone actually came to me and was like, you should, you should teach this, you should do this. Instead of trying to like force it, which is sometimes what I can see where I do believe this isn’t something you can just kind of like, try on. It’s something you’re meant to do or not. So yeah, it’s always really cool when you’re kind of like told about this possible path? Like, wait, what I could do that,

Kevin Anthony 32:15
You know, it’s not the easiest way to make a living, I will tell you that. Having done it long enough. So yeah, it’s the sort of thing you go into, because you have a passion for it, because it’s something that you want to do. Okay, so let’s get back to how women can help men. What are the most common mistakes that you see women making when it comes to, you know, sort of perpetuating the sexual dysfunctions? Whether they’re aware of it or not? Because most times, they’re not aware of it?

Alex Grendi 32:46
Yeah, I think the firstly, the worst thing you could ever do as a woman is have like a really severe reaction, like really disappointed, or, you know, make a comment or just clearly wearing it that like you’re not happy. In and that can be something that just like, you know, not to use this word lightly, but like traumatizes a man, where he’s like, oh, like, what did I just do, I just ruined it, I’m not good enough.

And then that kind of fear can persist. And what I spoke about recently, is, is like your first sexual experience can really shape your future sexual experiences. So if the first time you have sex, you have this really negative reaction with a man that can become his new fear. So even if that happens, 10 years down the line, and it’s his last sexual interaction that might be guiding him is that there’s this woman who’s like, upset with him? Or, you know, like, Are you kidding me? Or, you know, saying something like, well, this never happens with other guys like kind of comparing. And this could be so damaging for men.

So, you know, my first thought would be to tell women like please, please like, don’t freak out, I can totally understand if you’re upset and frustrated, like you definitely can be and should be. But please try not to show that too much to the man try to be understanding. Because this is pretty normal now for men to have performance anxiety, based on you know, some of the things that I shared and what we’re watching on TV and what society is telling us. I mean, I remember growing up and this show California Keishon came out and like it was only about the main character having a large penis and sleeping with women all day, you know, and then talking about how great and big is penis.

Kevin Anthony 34:53
I’ve never seen an episode of that show. I might have to go watch it.

Alex Grendi 34:56
really entertaining actually, but you know Is this ultimate fantasy where he can like, walk into a corner store and some woman just like, immediately wants to have sex with them? And, you know, it’s that’s

Kevin Anthony 35:10
a little unrealistic. Yeah. Okay, so

Alex Grendi 35:14
So but yeah, first I have to get back to the point. Yeah, that women really please don’t freak out don’t have this huge reaction, try to be understanding and try to be as supportive as possible in that situation.

Kevin Anthony 35:28
Right. And so a lot of times, you know, I mean, sometimes women realize what they’re saying, but a lot of times they don’t. Right. And so a lot of times that you like, like, if a woman are listening right now, I think I don’t do that, or I’ve never done that. But maybe they don’t realize that simple things like maybe he ejaculates too fast. And She giggles like she laughs a little bit, right? Like, those types of things can also have an effect or, you know, he’s having trouble getting it up. And she’s like, what’s the I don’t understand? What’s the problem? Why can’t you get it up, you know, like, those types of things, although they seem relatively benign, actually do have a pretty serious effect on a man’s confidence level, it actually increases the stress and makes it more difficult for them to perform in the bedroom. So, that’s a good one, having reactions that are saying not either appropriate or kind, or compassionate. What else any other mistakes that you see women making? Yeah,

Alex Grendi 36:30
I think like if you’re getting intimate with a man, and maybe you’re one of those women we talked about earlier, who’s a little bit kind of grabby and Taiki. And if you, you know, if you go moving quickly, and you go down a man’s pants, and he’s not hard, don’t try and like force it and start, like tugging on a soft penis to just like, Will him to be hard, you know, like, realize that, okay, he’s not ready. It’s not like something that you need to do, and make happen, you know, it’s like, given the space, maybe start connecting in a different way. You know, if he’s feeling pressure to be able to let go of that, and maybe, you know, be doing some more kissing, or like, slower intimacy, and like, allow the erection to happen. Don’t try and force the erection. Because that, for me, is so much pressure. Like, I’m not hard, and you’re just pulling on it. Like, I just feel like I need to get hard now. And you’re, you know, feeling like I need to so to me, you know, trying to force it just doesn’t work.

Kevin Anthony 37:43
Yeah, of course, the more that she forces it, the harder it’s going to be for you to get an erection. Exactly, yeah. So I just had another one in my head that I wanted to bring up as you were talking, it just popped in as you’re going another mistake that I see women making and now it has left me so it’ll come back. Any others that you want to add to the list?

Alex Grendi 38:04
Yeah, I think like considering that last one, I think it might be possible that women are taking it personally. Right? Like, Well, you’re in bed with me, why aren’t you hard? And you know, coming back to that point, like, oh, well, if there’s even the thought of sex men are ready, they’re hard, they’re, you know, willing and ready to go. And I just want to kind of reframe, and change that misconception is that just because I’m butt naked, in bed with a woman doesn’t mean I’m perpetually hard and ready for sex.

You know, so don’t take it personally, if you’re connecting with a man and you reach down his pants, and he’s not hard. There could be a number of factors that are holding him back from being aroused, like that have nothing to do with you. Maybe he’s super stressed about work and, you know, really isn’t ready to connect intimately in that moment, but he’s trying to for you, you know, and or maybe he’s upset with you and hasn’t kind of like spoken His truth and said, Hey, I’m actually I want to talk about something and if he tries to, like, override that, and you try to get intimate with Him in that moment, he’s going to be shut down, you know? So it’s not when I say don’t take it personally, it might have nothing to do with sexual attraction and everything to do with his emotional state or where his head’s at

Kevin Anthony 39:37
So yeah. I’m gonna say this and I’m not I’m not saying it to brag in any way. I want to make a point about it, which is so that guy that is always immediately hired and ready to go That’s me. That’s always been me. Year. I’m near 50 now and it’s still me like it hasn’t changed at all. But the reason why I mentioned that is that many of the women that I’ve been with have commented on it in regards to the fact that they’re not used to that. In other words, they’ll say, wow, like, you’re the only guy I’ve ever been with, it’s always ready like instantly and ready to go, you know, even, you know, even my wife after seven years would still say, I can’t believe you’re like, always ready to go in an instant.

If I tell you like, I want to have sex, you’re just literally ready. And I’m talking about that simply because I want people to know that that’s not the norm. It’s really not. It’s not just like an you know, an eight or nine inch penis isn’t the norm, like, instantly being hard and ready to go isn’t the norm for most guys, either, especially today. So keep that in mind. Ladies, right? If he’s not ready right away that that’s actually more normal than being 100%. Always, you know, hard and ready to go. By the way, the thing that I was thinking about did pop back into my head. And a mistake that I often see women making is that they don’t pay attention to where the man is out. So what I mean by that is, there’s something that we teach called the arousal scale, right?

So if you think of a scale of one to 10, how turned on how close to you if you think of zero being you’re not turned on at all? And 10 Being you’ve just ejaculated, where are you on that scale. And so one thing that I often see women doing is they get lost in their own pleasure, and they’re not paying attention to where he is on that scale. And as they start getting close to their orgasm, they’re just like, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. I’m almost there, not realizing that, if she keeps pushing him that hard, you know, he’s going to ejaculate before she ever gets to that orgasm. And so the mistake that I see some woman making is really just not paying close enough attention not being in tune enough with her partner to know where he’s at. And I always tell ladies, okay, you might have to slow down, you might have to forego that orgasm for a little bit in order to help him last longer. But once he’s able to do that, and gets past, you know, his, you know, eight or nine on the scale and brings his energy level back down into that sort of zone where he can last longer, then he’ll be able to take you back to that orgasm. And so a lot of times we were like, if I don’t have it now, I’m going to miss it. That’s not necessarily true. What is your experience with that?

Alex Grendi 42:31
Yeah, I mean, I think that’s really good advice. I think it kind of plays on a couple of different levels, whether the man’s at a really high intensity of arousal or like I was talking about where it’s really low, it’s just, you need to understand and be able to read your partner, just like I’m sure you guide men to understand where their female partner’s energy is at, you know, you’re not just gonna jump right in and start trying to put your fingers in a woman when you haven’t had ample foreplay. And I think being able to read that situation, read your partner, feel where their breath pattern is, is really important to know, is it the right time to go down his pants? Is it the right time to try and push faster during intercourse? Or do I need to, you know, be mindful and kind of understand where he is?

Kevin Anthony 43:30
Absolutely. So I’m having so much fun in this conversation. I completely forgot the break for the mid-roll sponsor. So let me do that real quick, then I want to come in with we’ve kind of focused on the mistakes that women are making. I don’t want to be dumping on women because women are awesome and amazing. And we love them. So then I want to talk about what can they do to help their men’s what they can do to support them. And then we’ll kind of wrap up with one more question after that. All right.

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This is a link to my coaching program. So if you like what Alex and I are talking about and you resonate with me and you want to work with me, that’s where you can go to do so. And at the end of the show, we’re going to give Alex an opportunity to give you his pitch and tell where you can find more about his work as well. Okay, so let’s go right to the next question, which is, what can women do? Like if you could, you had a group of women sitting in front of you who are like, please, please tell us the secret of how we can support our men to be better? What would you tell them?

Alex Grendi 45:22
Yeah, and I do think it’s important to know what not to do. And that’s not necessarily like bagging on women, but it’s making them understand, okay, I need to make sure I don’t do these things to make him feel safe. But if there’s one thing that I think women can do, to really make men feel safe, is to share about their own performance anxiety. I think this is something that can really just disarm the whole situation and the whole idea of sex and having it be so performance, more oriented, and so much expectation.

This just disarms the whole thing is like, a, I mean, in my experience, and you might be the one exception, but I think most people, almost everyone, at some point feels some form of performance anxiety. And to be able to just say, Yeah, of course, I do, you know, and to, for a woman to kind of open that conversation and say, Hey, I would love to have a really open conversation about sex and what your Likes are and dislikes, before intimacy. And this is something where you can just kind of get everything out on the table. And if a woman opens that up by saying, hey, you know, sometimes I’m really self-conscious about my boobs, or my butt. And sometimes I get in my head, and I’m not able to have an orgasm. You know, just some of their experiences to know that these men are not the only ones.

Because like you’ve shared before, a lot of men who experienced PE or Ed, just think they’re the only guy in the world that has this problem, when it’s like 30 to 50% of men. And most women are struggling with orgasm, and feeling confident during sex. So if you’re a woman, and you’re able to kind of have this really open conversation about sex, and knowing what the man likes or dislikes, and being able to have a conversation about, hey, yeah, like, he given him a chance to share some of his issues that, you know, maybe if he came through quickly, and he says, You know, I really need to start slower, and kind of work up to penetration, or maybe it means that he doesn’t want to have penetration, the first time that you’re intimate. So opening this conversation, to me is by far the best way you can support someone.

Kevin Anthony 48:01
Yeah, that is fantastic. I love that, starting with really good communication and getting it all out on the table. You know, another thing that Celine, sort of, I’m gonna say, pioneered just because, you know, it came from an early relationship that she had had, which was, she was with a guy who, if I recall the story correctly, he hadn’t been intimate in a while. And one of the things he said to her was, hey, can you agree, before you judge my performance, too? Let us have sex three to five times first. And then. So you can say, Okay, this isn’t working for me or this is. And the idea was, is that he was asking for a few times of being intimate together to feel comfortable to feel safe to get in his rhythm to learn her and what she needs. And once before, she just said, Oh, no, you’re you know, we had sex once. And it wasn’t any good. And I don’t want to do it again. Right. So I always thought that was a great idea for, you know, men who are having anxiety, like when you’re having that discussion that you were just talking about to say, hey, well, why don’t we agree, you know, that we’ll have sex a few times before we make any judgments around that, hey, this is or isn’t working for us? Right?

Alex Grendi 49:25
Yeah. 100%. And I think it’s really cool that he was able to say that, you know, and ask for that. I think most men wouldn’t. So that’s really brave. And I think it’s super important. And that’s something in and of itself, just asking for that and sharing that can take so much pressure off that you actually ended up performing the way that you want to. Yeah, that’s the biggest fear is actually them knowing. And once it’s out there, it’s like ah, but what am I I have to worry about surely knows, I might come too quickly, or I might not get hard. So what could possibly go wrong? You know? So yeah, I think that that’s a really, really important one. And something that I share also is like, yeah, don’t be so quick to judge because there can be so many different reasons to why either partner is feeling performance anxiety, and to judge someone immediately. Is, is just a bad idea. Because it could be someone who could be your partner, and you know, and be your soulmate, if if they just had the time to feel safe, and to connect the way that they really want to and need to?

Kevin Anthony 50:46
Absolutely. So if both men and women listening to this could take one thing away from this discussion, what I would love them to take away from is that this is a co-creation. And so if men are experiencing any sort of performance, difficulties, whether they be erection problems lasting, longer anxiety, any of that kind of stuff, that it’s not just all about, well, you got to go figure out your shit and come back to me all fixed, right? That this is a co-creation, and that women can absolutely help in this journey. There are many more ways than what we’ve talked about today that women can help but there’s only so much we can fit into one podcast. But just know that ladies, there is definitely something that you can do to help with the situation. And really, if you’re going to be intimate with somebody, right, you’re working together, or you should be working together as a team. So if there’s a problem, you should be working together as a team to solve it. Okay, so we’re just about out of time, I have one more question for you. But before we do that, why don’t you tell the listeners where they can find out more about you and where they can work with you if they’re interested?

Alex Grendi 52:00
Yeah, if you’re, I’m very particular and specific about who I work with. And I specifically work with men who are experiencing premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction, and have, you know, experienced fear and anxiety in the bedroom. And if you want to work with me, and be in a community of other men who are going through the exact same thing, then you can contact me on my website, superior lovers.com. Or you can check out my YouTube channel, Alex grandi. And through that, you can also book a call with me and learn more about what I do. The kind of results that men are getting, and getting into a program and a process where you can overcome these issues for good.

Kevin Anthony 52:51
Awesome. All right, so I got one final question for you. It is the last question we always ask people that we have on the show, and that is, what is your best sexual talent?

Alex Grendi 53:03
Oh, that’s cool. I would say that my best, I would call this a sexual talent, but creating safety in the bedroom. So I think that’s my gift. Because I’m quite grounded and very calm that I can make women feel very safe to express themselves with me. And that along with maybe some technique allows for a really amazing experience.

Kevin Anthony 53:40
While safety is huge. One of the last episodes that Selena and I did together was an entire episode on safety and how to create it. So that is a very important skill to have. And of course, married with some good technique that’ll get you a long way. Yeah, sure. All right. Thank you for coming on the show. It was a great conversation, and I really hope that the listeners learned something.

Alex Grendi 54:05
Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. Super fun.

Kevin Anthony 54:09
All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode. And I will see you next week.

We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 54:27
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Célineremy.com/vault. That’s c e l i n e r e m y.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 54:41
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 54:43
And remember, you’re amazing