Without This Your Relationship Is Toxic

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 207. And it’s titled without this, your relationship is toxic. Okay, so we got a lot to cover in this show, as we always do, we’re going to be talking to you about, you know, 11 signs that your relationship is toxic, we’re going to be talking about this one thing, which we’re not going to tell you about just yet.

Kevin Anthony 0:54
I’m going to tell you why it’s important. We’re going to tell you how to do it, how not to do it. There’s a lot there. And you know, you’ve probably heard of this thing before, I mean, nothing that we’re doing is necessarily revolutionary, we just created it.

Kevin Anthony 1:11
Look at this new wheel. We’ve never seen anything like a wheel in this world. Yeah, that’s not necessarily the case. But a lot of times people hear these things, and they don’t really they either don’t really understand what it means. Or maybe they thought they knew how to do it.

Kevin Anthony 1:29
But they never really learned the right way to do it. So even if you hear this word and go, Oh, yeah, they’re just talking about that, I would stay tuned, because I can almost guarantee that you will learn something and see this from a different point of view.

Céline Remy 1:46
Yes. And this show was inspired as always by our clients. And not just by one, but many of them that we’re working with are all struggling with it. This is why we feel like we need to do something because it’s obviously something that many are having challenges with as a society.

Céline Remy 2:02
So before we dive into today’s topic, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s power and mastery. So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com. It is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections, last longer, or increase your sexual skills, there is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Céline Remy 2:29
Make sure to go check it out after the show power and mastery.com Link is in the description below.

Kevin Anthony 2:36
Yes, make sure you learn how to use what you got the best way that you possibly can.

Céline Remy 2:42
So let’s start at the beginning. Because we want to define what a toxic relationship looks like, we’re not going to spend an entire show it’d be way too depressing. We narrowed it down to 11 signs that if you are experiencing some of that your relationship might have some elements of toxicity to it. So number one, do you feel that there is a lack of support?

Kevin Anthony 3:08
Well, that’s pretty obvious. I mean, the reality is okay, the number one person that should support you is yourself. The number two person that should support you is your partner.

Kevin Anthony 3:17
If your partner is not supporting you, if your partner is not your biggest cheerleader, constantly pushing you to be the best version of yourself that you can be and supporting you in being the best version that you can be then it’s probably not the healthiest relationship or possibly the right partner.

Céline Remy 3:36
Absolutely. Number two, you have toxic communication by toxic communication. What do we mean we mean communication that leads nowhere where it ends up in usually blame shame, criticism, and where you can’t even talk about a certain subject, because the off the table taboo or like ticking time bombs, so we can go there.

Kevin Anthony 4:01
Yeah, and you know, if you’ve listened to our work, even for a little bit of time, you know how important proper communication is, I mean, it’s absolutely essential to having a high-level functioning relationship.

Kevin Anthony 4:16
There’s just no other way to say it. If you are not a good communicator, if you have not learned how to express your needs, your wants, your desires, and do so in a clear way. And then the empathic way in a compassionate way, then you got a lot of work to do.

Céline Remy 4:32
Yes. And don’t beat yourself up. None of us really have learned it. We all had to go through the learning curve.

Kevin Anthony 4:39
And none of us were born with it. None of us weren’t.

Céline Remy 4:44
There were a lot of things I was doing that were like, this is not supportive. This needs to change.

Kevin Anthony 4:49
Yeah, you know, there might be a few enlightened beings that showed up on the planet and already knew how to do this. But for the rest of us, we had to go out and learn it. We had to take classes we had to read books we had to practice, too. Get good at it.

Céline Remy 5:01
Yes. Number three, you are experiencing controlling behavior you are ever doing the controlling behavior, or you are on the receiving end of the controlling behavior.

Kevin Anthony 5:13
You know, neither one of those is actually fun. No, the people in the controlling behavior always think that it’s fun because they have no idea how much better their relationship would be if they stopped controlling.

Céline Remy 5:24
Number four, there is a lot of resentment in your relationship. That’s hard, you know, especially if you can’t let it go. Because you know, sometimes you might have things that don’t go your way, not just sometimes.

Céline Remy 5:37
So it could be things but you got to learn to let it go. And if you hold on to this, that’s when it becomes poison.

Kevin Anthony 5:45
Yeah, resentment is a big one, a very big one cannot let that stuff. You can’t let those seeds of resentment get planted because they will grow into something he wants.

Céline Remy 6:00
Number five, there’s this honesty in the relationship. And that’s a tricky one. Because where’s the line? If it’s true see my truth? Or a lie that I don’t share? Is it still a lie. If it’s something I’m not, you know, that I’m hiding, but it could be okay. Does it? Is it considered dishonesty?

Céline Remy 6:24
Well, it’s between you and your conscious? Yeah. You know, like, no, but honestly, I think like, we, nothing is black and white. And it’s more like, if the behavior that you’re doing, how would you feel if somebody did that to you.

Céline Remy 6:40
And, you know, when you’re doing something that’s not fully in alignment with your value, and your, your heart. And you got to just be honest with

Kevin Anthony 6:50
that, you know, I would say I’m a big proponent of you know, what, some people term radical honesty and relationships, I think you need to be 100% honest about everything all the time.

Kevin Anthony 7:01
However, there are some prerequisites for that to actually work. For instance, you can’t be 100% honest with your partner, if your partner is going to overreact and flip out when you tell them something that they don’t really want to hear. Right.

Céline Remy 7:16
And this moment in time, to be truly honest, you know, maybe not when your partner is stressed out, or having a really challenging day, being sick, you know, like, there’s time and space. Yes.

Kevin Anthony 7:27
So there’s, there’s caveats, right? Like the other person has to be able to receive it in a healthy way, and not turn it into a fight or an argument or whatever, then there’s, is it an appropriate time to actually say these things? And then it is, how do you say them?

Kevin Anthony 7:44
Do you say them in a loving and compassionate way? So when I say radical honesty, don’t take that as an excuse to go over and point out all the shit that the other person does wrong? You know, I’m just you did this, and you’re this and you’re that and the other person?

Kevin Anthony 7:56
Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I’m just being radically honest. No, that’s not what we’re talking about here. So there is a level of discernment, we could do literally an entire show on what does it mean to be radically honest? And how do you do it, but just know that that’s my personal feeling?

Kevin Anthony 8:13
Now, there’s one more caveat I’ll share on that quickly. Which is, this doesn’t mean then that you can go and just dump all of the worries and thoughts and things that are going through your head on your woman, that’s just not going to work. She’s not going to respect you. If you do that.

Kevin Anthony 8:29
She’s not going to find it sexy or be attracted to you in any way. We’ve talked about this many times on the show. You know, if you need somebody to just dump your shit on, go find a friend, go have a beer, dump it all out over there so that you’re not doing it all over your woman. Okay, I think that’s enough for now on dishonesty, and, and communication.

Céline Remy 8:50
Let’s move to sign number six, you have patterns of disrespect. So as an interesting one, you know, because it could be a bit subjective, like, oh, you disrespected me. But ultimately, again, it’s about taking a good look at what the behavior that you are doing is.

Kevin Anthony 9:11
If people are radically honest with themselves, yes. They’ll realize that some of their behaviors really are disrespectful and you’ll see it show up.

Kevin Anthony 9:21
Like one of the ways I see it show up is one partner treats the other one like they’re the child like you get in this parent-child dynamic. And honestly, that’s disrespectful to somebody who’s a grown adult,

Céline Remy 9:32
or doing the silent treatment or the screaming you know, there’s a lot of like behaviors about that. Number seven, you have negative financial behaviors within the relationship. That’s a tricky one.

Céline Remy 9:45
We were talking about that the other day because I’ve been in relationships where one was a spender and one was the saver and it’s really challenging. It’s so much easier when both partners are similar in the way They deal with their finances. Yeah, we

Kevin Anthony 10:01
were talking about maybe doing a show on that as well, because it is actually one of the top reasons why couples break up is financial differences.

Kevin Anthony 10:11
So what that tells us is when you’re getting into a relationship, new needs, that’s one of the things you need to make sure that you have alignment on, right is that you have similar ideas and beliefs and behaviors around finances.

Céline Remy 10:25
Number eight, you experienced constant stress.

Kevin Anthony 10:30
That’s not good. We’re good enough with constant stress in this world all day long around us.

Céline Remy 10:36
Number nine, you are ignoring your own needs in a relationship. And you know, it can go both ways. By the way, sometimes people always say, No, it’s the women.

Céline Remy 10:45
But I’ve seen it with many of my clients, where they have a relationship where she controls more of the relationship. And he just gives in all the time and ignores what he wants and what he needs.

Kevin Anthony 10:58
Well, you see this a lot when it comes to sex and relationships because let’s be honest, the woman is the gateway to sex, right? And so, yeah, she, she basically gets to say how it goes. And you know, a lot of times nowadays, he’s afraid to speak up for what he wants and needs.

Kevin Anthony 11:13
And so he just ignores his own needs, which then creates resentment. It’s also a pattern of disrespect. It’s also a controlling behavior. It’s also a lack of support. Yeah, it’s all of those things.

Céline Remy 11:25
Oh, so basically, it is toxic. Yeah. All right. Number 10. There is a lack of self-care. And I think is a little bit of a difference, I’m going to put these two because self-care is also about really valuing some time for yourself to replenish.

Céline Remy 11:43
And it looks different for a man than it is for a woman self-care is. And your needs could fall in the self-care category, but then not just in the self-care. And that’s why they are separated.

Kevin Anthony 11:57
Yeah, yeah, there’s definitely a bit of a difference between those two.

Céline Remy 12:01
Well, let’s talk about number 11. Because that one is a kind of funny one. You’re hoping for a change in your relationship?

Kevin Anthony 12:08
Oh, boy. I mean, like, if something’s not right, you can always hope for change to some extent. But if you find that you’re always hoping for change, and never getting any change, then this is potentially toxic, right?

Kevin Anthony 12:25
So you either have to find a way to create the change, or you have to learn to accept things the way they are.

Céline Remy 12:32
Yeah, but hoping and wishing is not going to do this. And you know, like I was, I was laughing because I was thinking about that really enough as we go if we could sum these 11 points, in terms of like signs that your relationship is, is toxic.

Céline Remy 12:50
In short, you basically make each other miserable. And that’s it, you know, like,

Kevin Anthony 12:55
but there could be low levels of misery that you’re not even aware of. Right? So like, when you say the word misery, you think, Oh, well, I’m not miserable in my relationship. But stop, take a step backward and go, Are you really happy?

Kevin Anthony 13:11
Right? Because there can be these low levels of sort of day-to-day misery that will you’re just like, yeah, it’s not working for you.

Céline Remy 13:20
Yeah. So there is one thing that’s fixed Oh, one thing, the one thing, so one thing you do as the owner,

Kevin Anthony 13:30
okay, so this can fix a lot of those things, this can prevent a lot of those things from happening because many of those things happen because you don’t do this one thing. So if you did this one thing, you probably will not experience most of those things that we just talked about.

Kevin Anthony 13:48
And that one thing is boundaries, setting appropriate boundaries, keeping appropriate boundaries, and setting consequences. If boundaries are not met. We will talk about all of that more later. But let’s just talk sort of a little bit more generically first,

Céline Remy 14:10
because you might be like boundaries. Oh, come on Kevin and Celine boundaries. We know that well, I can tell you and guarantee you, we’ve seen countless examples in relationships of those not working, whether it’s a boundary with your child, and your child is walking all over you interrupting you on calls and just not respecting you.

Céline Remy 14:32
whenever it’s your partner, whoever it’s, you know, like in the work like there’s a lot of different areas. You might be good at setting boundaries at work, but very bad at home.

Kevin Anthony 14:43
You know, when you ask clients like, Okay, well, do you set boundaries? They’ll always say, Well, of course, I do. Right. Okay, well, what boundaries have you set in the relationship? Oh, well. I don’t actually have a good answer for that.

Kevin Anthony 15:00
The other thing is, is, if they do have an answer, they’ll say, Well, my boundary is if he cheats, I’m out. Right? Like, okay, yes, technically, that’s a boundary. But that’s a way far-out boundary. Right.

Céline Remy 15:13
And it’s not a complete boundary, we will come back to that if that’s what you thought, you need to learn more healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy happy relationship and a toxic dysfunctional relationship. And most people have not learned how to set those up properly.

Kevin Anthony 15:32
People have such difficulty with boundaries. And what they don’t realize is that setting appropriate healthy boundaries will actually create a better relationship.

Céline Remy 15:42
Yes, so let’s just define boundaries. So a boundary is basically a limit, or space between you and the other person, it’s a clear place where you begin and the other person. Hence, the purpose of setting a healthy boundary is, of course, to protect and take good care of you.

Céline Remy 16:02
And things like in work or non-personal relationships, poor boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout. So one of the things is, for most people boundaries are the most difficult, I’m still working on boundaries.

Céline Remy 16:21
And we can talk at some point, we’ll have some examples of different boundaries. But I think what’s important is to understand the reframe. So Kevin, and I was having this discussion. And something happened with a client of mine, where there was a cancellation, a last-minute cancellation.

Céline Remy 16:42
And within our coaching agreement, we are very clear that we require a 48 hours cancellation notice without that the session is being built for. And what’s interesting is we have set the boundary, I was faced with the situation where they were the person who didn’t show up.

Céline Remy 17:06
And I started to feel upset and angry because I would have to enforce the boundary I put in place, John, like, because then maybe the client is going to be upset, or I can’t believe I have this.

Céline Remy 17:22
And Kevin was very clear on like, seeing like how much he loves boundaries, and how we put all these agreements in place that we talked about with our clients before we start working together. Because it’s about accountability. It’s about its teaching for everybody who is involved.

Céline Remy 17:40
And once I started to have this refrain, which Kevin’s going to talk about, since he loves boundaries, so much, I started to enjoy the boundaries and war. But it’s very interesting, because, most of the time, we are holding ourselves back because of fear of setting a boundary.

Kevin Anthony 18:00
Yeah, so in this particular situation, you know, one of the things I was saying is, like, look, the whole reason we put these types of boundaries in place, is so that when these situations do arise, it’s easy. It’s easy, the boundary is there, boom, here’s what it is. Y’all read it, y’all agreed to it, and you all signed it.

Kevin Anthony 18:17
And that’s that. Now, you know, if anybody’s listening to Skype 48 hours, seems like a long time for non-anyone to see, right for a while for non-emergency, but just, you know, when I’m not gonna go into a long explanation on this, but it is extremely difficult to run a business that relies on scheduling sessions with people when they’re constantly changing all the time.

Kevin Anthony 18:40
So if we don’t put that boundary in place, it makes our life extremely difficult. And it affects not only the person who’s canceling but potentially everybody else that scheduled that day or that week, right? It makes things really, really difficult for us.

Kevin Anthony 18:54
So that’s a boundary that we put in place to not only make our lives easier but to make the scheduling process smoother for all of our other clients. And so that’s, you know, for us that was the thing is like, look, that’s got to be in place because we just need to make this easy.

Kevin Anthony 19:11
We don’t want to be on a case-by-case basis, constantly having to negotiate this boundary, it just is what it is it makes everybody’s life easier. So the reframe is, that it doesn’t matter how the other person interprets the boundary. You just do it anyway.

Kevin Anthony 19:26
You’re doing it really for yourself. And you know, you really don’t care what anyone thinks. Now, that maybe sounds a little bit harsh. I don’t care. What do you think is whatever you know, but like I was just explaining in that situation.

Kevin Anthony 19:40
It literally makes everybody’s life easier. Even the person that it’s potentially canceling because they know upfront what they need to do. They may not like it, but they know upfront what they need to do. There’s no gray area about it. Can I do this? Can I not do this?

Kevin Anthony 19:58
Can I get away with it? So part of doing this process and part of this reframe is, is it’s not your job to make the other person happy. And this is where a lot of people, especially in relationships, fall into the trap.

Kevin Anthony 20:14
And the trap is, ooh, I really want to set a boundary here. But if I do that he or she is not going to be happy with me. So maybe if I just cave in, and let that boundary go, they’ll be happy. But

Céline Remy 20:32
what’s interesting in your scenario is that if you do that, then you’re not happy with yourself. And then because you’re upset with yourself, unconsciously, hopefully, you will want to make the other person pay for your unhappiness because they made you this, you know, pointing fingers at each other all the time and not taking full responsibility.

Céline Remy 20:57
It’s a really vicious cycle, it is tough to set a boundary because you have to stand firm and you got grounds, you have to be okay, that the person is going to not like you for a few minutes. Ultimately, they’ll get over it. Because sometimes, we always like little children.

Céline Remy 21:15
And yes, the first reaction is like, I believe this person is enforcing a boundary. Well, they said there was no refund, but you know, I should be the favorite person, and they should still give me a refund. It’s like, well, but you know, if there was no refund, there was no refund, right?

Céline Remy 21:28
Or do they say this? Or she said, if you’re not there, I’m gonna leave without you. How come she loves? It’s like, well, she said, if you’re not there at 6 pm, I will be living Yeah, this is just how it is.

Kevin Anthony 21:41
Yeah. So you know, just the reframe really is, is that boundaries are for your own good. And they’re actually for the good of all parties involved. Even if they don’t necessarily like it at the moment, they will always respect you for setting and keeping your boundaries.

Kevin Anthony 22:00
Even if they don’t like it, they’ll be pissed off about it. And at the same time, they’ll be like, Damn, she’s good.

Céline Remy 22:08
Especially for women toward the man, she will have more respect for him as well. It works really well for the polarity as well, you know, there are different types of boundaries, and you might be good at certain ones and not others. And if we break it down, there are emotional boundaries.

Céline Remy 22:24
There are material boundaries, time and energy boundaries, mental boundaries, and physical boundaries. So maybe it’s easy for you to do like a physical, I can do that one. But emotionally, it’s really hard for me to set that one up, or I don’t know how to protect my time, but I’m okay with like, protecting my money.

Kevin Anthony 22:46
And maybe we could just give a couple of quick examples of each one of these. So people understand I mean, so emotional boundaries and emotional boundaries might be something like, you know, it’s not okay for you to talk to me that way. Or, you know, I

Céline Remy 23:02
don’t have the bandwidth right now to process it with you can, can we talk about this later,

Kevin Anthony 23:06
it’s a good one, that’s a really good

Céline Remy 23:08
just because the person is upset and needs support doesn’t mean that you know, it’s your partner doesn’t mean that this is the time that you can do that.

Kevin Anthony 23:16
Exactly. Material boundaries. I mean, those are pretty straightforward.

Céline Remy 23:21
This is my car, ain’t taking it.

Kevin Anthony 23:23
Just kidding. Or like, you know, you were in relationships, it might be like, Hey, here’s how much money we can afford to spend this month. Here’s, here’s, you know, where we can, what we can afford to spend on you know, the kids or the house or whatever it is like the material boundary is pretty easy. time and energy, though.

Kevin Anthony 23:44
This is one that people have a lot of difficulty with, especially those types of people who are always trying to make people happy. And they’re running around like a chicken with their head cut off trying to try to please everybody in the family and make sure everybody’s doing okay, they got everything they need. They’re all happy. Nobody’s going to complain, right. And at

Céline Remy 24:01
At the end of the day, they are the ones who are exhausted, and they’ve never been able to open a book to do a project for themselves. They don’t remember the last time they washed their hair or took a shower.

Kevin Anthony 24:12
And then the resentful Yes. As, a consequence of that. So mental boundaries. Ooh, this is an interesting one. So you know, there might be specific things that I don’t really want to say that you don’t want to talk about, but there might be limits to where you go,

Céline Remy 24:34
Oh, could there be maybe certain words that really trigger you and you don’t want to have these words, you know? You know, especially in the bedroom, let’s say you hate the word pussy. And it’s like, I don’t want you to use the word pussy.

Céline Remy 24:47
But I love cats, or I love vagina. I love this. You know, like, I mean, I’m just, you know, pointing some example. Yeah, absolutely.

Kevin Anthony 24:54
And then, of course, physical boundaries. Well, those are pretty obvious. Like I know it’s my boots. Well, this is my I space or don’t want to be touched, or I don’t want to be touched at this moment.

Kevin Anthony 25:04
or this is how I like to be touched, you know that people don’t realize that’s a boundary as well, you know, saying I want to be touched in this way, is a nice positive way of saying Don’t touch me this other way.

Kevin Anthony 25:17
Right. So it is indeed a boundary in itself and you want to talk about sex in the bedroom. No mean, telling somebody, this is the kind of sex that I like this is how I want you to show up in the bedroom is absolutely a set of boundaries.

Céline Remy 25:29
Yeah. So we’ll get more into some, we’ll get into why people don’t set their boundaries. And then we’ll get into some more maybe a couple of example of what they look like. And we’ll give you the formula, the boundaries

Kevin Anthony 25:42
look like, we have a four-step formula for how to create healthy boundaries, so stick

Céline Remy 25:48
with us. But before we get into that, we have a special invitation for you. So if you are in a relationship, and you feel stuck, you are going through the daily motions, maybe your communication is not that great, maybe you don’t know how to set boundaries, maybe it’s in the bedroom, or you feel like your sex life is just lacking spontaneity, and you are ready to take it up a notch and no longer live a life of average,

Céline Remy 26:15
then Kevin and I would like to invite you to join us in a highly sexed power couple platinum program. If you give us 90 days, we will help you bring the passion back between the sheets, and be synched up sexually so that you can thrive with more purpose and passion in life. So go to Céline remy.com, forward slash passion.

Kevin Anthony 26:36
All right, so why people don’t set boundaries, there are a few common reasons why people tend to not set boundaries. I like what you wrote here, boundaries are not for the week. That is true. That is true.

Kevin Anthony 26:50
You know, sometimes people think that if you’re weak, it’s important to set proper boundaries because that will protect you. And while it’s always important, whether you’re weak or strong set boundaries. The problem is if you’re weak, you probably won’t keep the boundaries. So they’re not going to work really well for you if you can’t keep them so

Céline Remy 27:09
and you have to be strong to enforce and stick with your boundary. Because you’re like, oh, not like, the person is not liking me right now. But I said this, and I have to go through with this. And it can be hard.

Kevin Anthony 27:23
Well, and it absolutely can be it can be hard for anybody. And for some people, it’s harder than others. You know,

Céline Remy 27:28
I wonder if I don’t know, I wonder if it’s harder for like women versus men? Or if it’s personality and not gender? You know,

Kevin Anthony 27:37
it’s mostly personal. Yes. You know, like, I’m the type of person that the harder you push me, the harder I’m going to push back. So for me, it’s like, the harder you try to push against my boundary, the harder I’m going to shove that boundary in your face.

Kevin Anthony 27:53
Right? So like, but that’s just my personality. I’m like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. in a loving way, sometimes. Depending on who it is, it’s challenging my boundaries.

Céline Remy 28:07
So really, realistically, a lot of it is fear. Number one would be fear of what others think, you know, and this is a big one that holds us back, you know, oftentimes, like, if I do go through with this boundary, they’re gonna think that I’m mean or whatever, you know, whatever it and it is a story.

Céline Remy 28:27
You don’t want to be seen as a search, but you telling yourself a story. And you gotta let it go. This reminds

Kevin Anthony 28:32
me of one of my favorite quotes. What other people think about you is none of your business. There you go, right? Because seriously, who gives a fuck what other people think about you, they’ve probably got it completely wrong in their head anyway, and it makes no difference what they think,

Céline Remy 28:49
number two would be a fear of not being loved. And that’s true that especially in relationships and you see that to win the dynamic with parents child, it’s such a difficult one to find because a lot of parents want to be their children’s best friend.

Céline Remy 29:05
And they forget that they’re not there to just be their best friends. Actually, that’s not really the parent’s role. The parent’s role is to set boundaries and example with love, with love, okay, but it’s to create that structure. And if you think about it with boundaries, there’s always that study that comes up.

Céline Remy 29:24
They did this study where they took children and put them into a playground. And they said, you can play anywhere you want. The playground was totally open. The children stayed within the center were they kind of in a group where they felt safe because that’s where they were.

Céline Remy 29:40
Then they put the children in a similar program that had a fence around it, AKA a boundary. And they said you can go anywhere within the confines of that playground of the fence, and they felt freer to go anywhere and play and go further because Pause there was about they felt

Kevin Anthony 30:01
safer because they knew what the boundaries were, you know, I wanted to make a point to what you said about how parents are not supposed to be their children’s best friend, you can be your children’s best friend.

Kevin Anthony 30:12
when your children have now grown adults, when they’re children is not your job to be their best friend, because your best friend is not going to force them to do all the things that they have to do, that are for their own good that they won’t do. If somebody doesn’t push them. I’m not saying you know, don’t be nice to them.

Kevin Anthony 30:29
I’m just saying it’s not your job to be their best friend. And furthermore, I don’t even really think it’s that healthy when parents are their children’s basically only like playtime partner, you know, like, they need other kids to play with, you’re the parent, you do the parenting adult stuff, of course, you can play with them.

Kevin Anthony 30:47
That’s part of the fun of being a parent. But you can’t make it such that the child now is always relying on you to be the one to occupy them and play with them. Anyway,

Céline Remy 30:57
another fear why people are afraid of setting a boundary is about having a strong desire to avoid conflict or a fear of confrontation. Again, hence why boundaries are not for the weak.

Kevin Anthony 31:12
Yeah, because people may challenge you.

Céline Remy 31:14
I’m going to talk about the following one because it’s a big one that I think I do think that this one relates a lot to the woman, which is about it was a learned role in your childhood to be the Peacekeeper, I can certainly relate to that I was in my family, the person who would make other people happy, keep the peace.

Céline Remy 31:36
And that’s true that then you keep that on as you are an adult. And then you’re like, Well, in any situation, you’re like, well, I’ll just stick into that default mode. But the thing is, once you’re an adult if you’re not the one standing up for yourself, nobody else is. And then your life is really going to suck if you don’t stand up for yourself.

Kevin Anthony 31:56
Some people may say, Well, what’s wrong with being a peacekeeper? Well, the problem is, is that you will often have to bend boundaries in order to keep the peace. Yeah. Right. And that’s where it becomes a problem.

Céline Remy 32:09
Yeah, let’s talk about the following one, which is where your sense of self-worth is tied to supporting others before yourself. And that really kind of comes into a difficulty receiving where there’s, it’s, it’s a one-way thing where it’s like, okay,

Céline Remy 32:26
I can only give, that’s where I feel safe. I get to receive or I’ll just do like for others because that’s how I feel worthy. And, you know, a lot of people have that, that’s for sure.

Kevin Anthony 32:39
Yeah. And again, you know, it’s not this one isn’t necessarily bad, except for the fact that other people will take advantage of it. That’s the problem. That’s the problem is other people will just take advantage. Take advantage and take advantage all day long. Yes.

Céline Remy 32:53
And children are really good at that. And then last but not least, you have not yet figured out your own boundaries. You haven’t really taken the time. And that’s what Kevin was mentioning when we talking to our clients. And we’re like, okay, so what kind of boundaries Do you have?

Céline Remy 33:10
And then they go like, well, or how did you do it? Then they say, Oh, I did this, or I said that? And you’re like, Well, let’s talk about that. And we’ll do that right now. Where are we going to maybe give you a few examples, or at least break it down a little bit about what a healthy boundary look like? Hmm.

Kevin Anthony 33:30
Okay, so the first one on the list, saying no, without over-explaining. So if you have to overly explain, and go into long details about why you have to do this, you’re trying to justify it, meaning you’re not holding it firm.

Kevin Anthony 33:46
You’re not saying like, here it is, I can give you a reason why, but I don’t need to over-explain and try to justify it.

Céline Remy 33:53
Yeah. Sometimes a no is a full sentence. That is correct. And sometimes it’s the hardest sentence to even learn. So practice it

Kevin Anthony 34:02
unless you’re two years old. A frequently used word in your vocabulary

Céline Remy 34:08
channel here. No, no, no. Like, go for today and challenge yourself. I’m gonna say no free time today. And just know

Kevin Anthony 34:20
and that’s part of you know, this is like, why they call it like the terrible twos, right? They’re just saying no, constantly like we have two friends whose son is now that age and that’s why made me think about it because they’re just mentioning about how now All he says is either no or more.

Kevin Anthony 34:39
But that’s the thing is, it’s incredibly powerful. The reason why two-year-olds start using know so much is because they finally realize that they have the power to use it. And it’s like, Oh, holy cow, this is an amazing power I’ve never had before you mean I can actually say no I’m going to exercise this.

Céline Remy 35:04
Okay, never way that healthy boundary looks like is to speak up for what you need. And this is can be really challenging. And just because you speak up for what you need, doesn’t mean that you’re gonna get it. You make requests, you don’t make demands.

Céline Remy 35:23
And same with a boundary, you know, like, it’s not like, people sometimes think too harshly of them while they are in place. And there’s a boundary. And the consequence like that doesn’t have to be done in a mean way, in speaking up for what you need is so important.

Céline Remy 35:40
We’re like, hey, you know, right now, I really need some downtime and peace and quiet. And your partner might be like, Oh, well, I was ready to party and crank up the music. And it’s like, okay,

Kevin Anthony 35:54
or maybe they even wanted downtime and peace and quiet. But you can’t both do it, because there’s stuff that has to get done. And somebody’s got to do it.

Céline Remy 36:03
And so that’s when you can get into some communication, and be like, Hey, can I get 20 minutes to myself? How would that be our, you know, like, things like that? And that’s these requests, this communication

Kevin Anthony 36:18
really helps. Alright, next one on the list, not offering to fix other people’s problems. Remember, everybody else’s problems are not necessarily your problems. And sometimes you need to draw a healthy boundary and say, Look, I don’t have the energy.

Kevin Anthony 36:35
I don’t have the bandwidth, the mental capacity, or the emotional capacity to deal with your problem right now. And that’s okay. Yes.

Céline Remy 36:45
Never boundary would be how much time? How much energy or money do you give? Oh,

Kevin Anthony 36:55
yeah. So you know, the money when people are generally better at the money boundary? They’re like, No, I’m not giving you that extra well,

Céline Remy 37:03
because their bank account really has a hard limit, right, and they see it, but they don’t see the same with their energy, which is like their bank account, there is a hard limit.

Kevin Anthony 37:13
But there is, but people don’t generally see it that way, right. And so that’s why the time and energy boundary is a really, really important one, you have to take care of yourself.

Kevin Anthony 37:25
One of the things that we say all the time is you can’t actually take care of anybody else, you can’t actually be useful or helpful to anybody else. If you’re completely burned out.

Céline Remy 37:33
Yeah. Privacy needs are huge. And I think like a lot of people tend to forget about those in relationships. They’re thinking like, oh, yeah, we’re married. I don’t know, we don’t have to close the door anymore.

Céline Remy 37:48
Even when we go to the bathroom, we share everything. It’s like, you know, like, there could be some good times to have some privacy and, and voice that you know, and love you. But I don’t need to know what you’re doing in the bathroom. Please give the door close. And if you don’t, I will come and close the door.

Kevin Anthony 38:05
Yeah, privacy, there’s nothing wrong with privacy, you know, people in relationships get a little concerned about this one. But that’s usually just because they don’t find your percent trust their partner.

Kevin Anthony 38:17
If you have trust in your relationship, which is important to any healthy relationship, then you can give people all the privacy they need for whatever reason they need, and you don’t even need to know why. It’s perfectly fine. So if you find yourself not wanting to allow them private time, then look at where your jealousy and trust issues are.

Céline Remy 38:40
A big one, Kevin, and then the number of healthy boundaries around the amount of physical space you need. And, you know, it’s it could be a tough one in a relationship, especially when it comes to the sexuality part.

Céline Remy 38:54
Because I asked him and he was saying the woman is the gatekeeper. What if he says like, well, I need this and there are situations like that we’ve had clients like this where it’s like, in order to make love, I need to have the light turned off the house needs to be cleaned. The Children have to be asleep, the moon has to be full and

Kevin Anthony 39:17
by has to be washed has to be super blood and

Céline Remy 39:22
yeah, this you’re getting into controlling, there’s not really a boundary anymore. Like you’re basically having control issues and you don’t know how to let go and you trying to protect yourself from really letting go by controlling the situation.

Kevin Anthony 39:38
Yeah, but again, a boundary could be hey, I need X amount of time and space by myself to do whatever I need to do. That’s perfectly fine. This is you know, why men create man caves and why women nowadays are creating sheds, right? They need a little physical space.

Kevin Anthony 39:57
Nothing wrong with that. Okay, so that then takes us to how do you create these boundaries? Right? So we have our four steps to creating healthy boundaries,

Céline Remy 40:09
just four steps to remember. Number one, define and identify your desired boundary. What is it that you want?

Kevin Anthony 40:19
This sounds really simple. But for some people, it’s really fucking hard. Some people really don’t understand healthy boundaries, which is why we gave you some examples of what healthy boundaries are.

Kevin Anthony 40:31
They’re like, Well, my therapist says I’m supposed to set boundaries, but I don’t really know what boundaries to set,

Céline Remy 40:40
start to have something small. If you’re working from home, it’s an easy one, in terms of how much time you need to be left alone to accomplish your work, set a boundary around that.

Céline Remy 40:52
or if you’re not working from home, but when you get home, you need some downtime before you jump into family life and children and taking care of everything, set a boundary that you need a 20 minutes downtime, just to decompress before you can give back to your family. Something like that.

Kevin Anthony 41:10
All right. Number two, communicate, say what you need and why it’s important. So having a boundary does you zero good. If you don’t communicate it to the people that need to respect the boundary. So you have to communicate it. And it really does help if you say, Here’s my need. Here’s my boundary. And here’s why.

Céline Remy 41:34
Yeah, because the person then has understanding and empathy, because sometimes you’re like, This is a weird request, like, why would you want that? And then you’re like, oh, because of that?

Céline Remy 41:44
Oh, yeah, I can understand that. I’m willing to help with that. This leads to step number three, stay simple. And be clear, don’t over-explain or justify. And just like get into super lengthy things, the clear, concise, and direct you can be the better.

Kevin Anthony 42:06
Yeah, in fact, if your boundary isn’t clear, concise, and direct, it’s not going to work. It’s just not going to work, it’s gonna be too complicated. People aren’t going to understand it, there’s going to be way too much wiggle room for one person, to say, I did keep the boundary.

Kevin Anthony 42:20
And they’re like, No, you didn’t because you did this. Well, I didn’t know that was part of that, right? Like, it starts to get fuzzy and all of that. So really, you have to keep it simple and clear. And here’s the thing, you can have more than one boundary, you don’t have to try to pack everything into this is my boundary.

Kevin Anthony 42:36
And then tack like, you know, this isn’t a bill in Congress were at the last second, you get to attach a whole bunch of unrelated stuff in there, just so you can slide it in, no doesn’t work that way. One subject per boundary, keep it simple, you can have as many boundaries as you want.

Céline Remy 42:52
And that leads us to step number four, which is the most important and which is the one that most people just forget to do. And it’s not complete, you don’t have a boundary without step number four.

Kevin Anthony 43:06
Okay, which is set consequences. What happens if the boundary is crossed, this is where parents fail, left and right. They set boundaries constantly. They don’t keep the boundaries.

Kevin Anthony 43:18
And then basically, they just teach the children that there are no consequences when mom or dad sets a boundary. So, therefore, I don’t have to pay any attention to the boundaries. The same thing happens with adults.

Kevin Anthony 43:27
By the way, if you don’t set consequences, adults will learn very quickly. I don’t have to pay attention to that. Because why would there be no consequences for not paying attention to it.

Céline Remy 43:38
Yeah. And the consequence, you know, let’s just, if you’re working with a child, you can have them set the consequence, you’ll be surprised, sometimes they harsher than you would have been when you let them decide what the consequence should be, should the boundary be crossed.

Céline Remy 43:56
If you’re with an adult, you can set it up. And then you could communicate as well, but, or you could have the partner like, it’s not always like, my way, or that’s the only way but like, let’s, let’s talk about the consequence. And like, I want to come back to the example you gave at the beginning.

Céline Remy 44:11
If this doesn’t happen, by this time, I’m out. Or if you do this, I’m out. That’s not a clear boundary. And it’s just too much. You know, it’s like, if this happens, then okay, as you know, I mean, if it’s and if it’s definitely a no deal-breaker, this is a deal-breaker.

Kevin Anthony 44:34
What I think you’re trying to say and correct me if I’m wrong, is that the consequence has to be appropriate. Yes. Right. Has to be appropriate and scale to the boundary. That’s true, right? So you can’t just go flying off the handle, that’s it.

Kevin Anthony 44:47
I’m leaving, I’m packing up or getting in to vote, you know, like, like, that’s not necessarily reasonable. And the other thing is, the consequence doesn’t have to be punitive, right? It doesn’t have to be some sort of penalty where now they owe you a fine or the nonsense way that government works for stupid things that are victimless crimes, right?

Kevin Anthony 45:09
So really, you can simply say, Look, my boundary is that I need, you know, 20 minutes a day to just be in my little cave and decompress. The consequence isn’t like, well, if I don’t get it, then I’m not cooking your dinner like, I mean, that could be a boundary.

Kevin Anthony 45:32
But it doesn’t have to be that that’s more of like that sort of punitive, I’m going to punish, you know because you didn’t keep my boundary. But, but the boundary might be, or the consequence might be like, if I don’t get that time, then I’m going to be too burnt out to connect with you or to make love with you.

Kevin Anthony 45:48
Or, you know, you want me to be always happy in a loving mood. But I can’t be that way if I don’t get some downtime, right? So then the consequence becomes, do you want the happy loving, relaxed me to show up in this relationship?

Kevin Anthony 46:04
Or do you want the cranky bitchy me to show up in the relationship, right, and that’s, that’s a consequence, too? It doesn’t have to be punitive.

Kevin Anthony 46:10
You’re not taking something away from the person or punishing them like a child, but you’re letting them know that the consequence is, if I don’t get this time, I’m not going to be able to show up in the relationship, the way that you would really want me to, or the way that I even want to,

Céline Remy 46:24
it’s a beautiful reframe. It’s a beautiful reframe, to be in touch with yourself, to speak for what you want to need, and not just be that Punisher victim dynamic within the relationship.

Céline Remy 46:37
And that can then help you step back and start becoming a team and be like, let’s talk about our needs. Let’s talk about what really matters to us to a heart. And that’s together, find win-win wins.

Kevin Anthony 46:53
Yeah, win win-wins are favorites. All right. So there you go. That is a whole episode on boundaries. If you are struggling in any way with boundaries, and so so many people are because we see it every day in our work, then please, please, please go back and listen to this.

Kevin Anthony 47:12
Write some notes down practice, practice, practice, I guarantee you, you will see an improvement in every relationship in your life, whether it’s with your kids, with your significant other, with your boss, with your co-workers with your friends, you will absolutely see all of those relationships improve if you can really master boundaries.

Kevin Anthony 47:34
All right, everybody. That’s all we have for this episode. And we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 47:51
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Céline remy.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 48:05
Thanks for listening. And remember,

Céline Remy 48:07
you’re amazing