How To Know If You’ve Met The One

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Celine Remy. And we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
Alright, welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 161. And it is titled How to know if you’ve met the one finding Mr. or Mrs. Right? Okay, so in this episode, we’re going to tell you everything you need to know, then you just go out and you find them easily. Well, you’re probably thinking that what we’re going to tell you is like,.

Kevin Anthony 0:52
Where’re the best places to go are the best apps to use. And we might talk a little bit about that. But we’re actually going to talk about what it really takes. So any of those articles that you’ve read on, you know, your typical website about this app is a sure way to find your next husband or wife or whatever.

Kevin Anthony 1:15
No, no, there’s a whole lot of other stuff that nobody ever talks about that it’s really essential, in my opinion, to have to create the space for that right person to show up. So we’re going to talk a whole lot more about that.

Céline Remy 1:33
And you may not like it, because it’s easier to be like, I’m just going to go on the app or be depending on something outside of me. But we’re going to actually look inside of you and see what needs to happen. But before we get started, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsor’s powering mastery.

Céline Remy 1:51
So if you want to join the secret club of men who are great in bed, then check out power and mastery at power and mastery.com it is the most complete sexual mastery training for men. Whether you want to have harder erections last longer or increase your sexual skills. There is something for you at power and mastery.com.

Kevin Anthony 2:12
Okay, so we’ve got a list of 10 things that you need to do if you want to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. And then after that, we’re going to talk about four ways in which you know that you’ve actually found Mr. or Mrs. Right? Because you might think you have, you really haven’t. Alright, so we’re number one, we’re just going to slap you upside the head with it right from the start, I could save this one for number 10. But nope, we need to just get it out of the way. You have to deal with all your traumas first.

Céline Remy 2:52
Well, it’s kind of a big thing. You’re sharing their Kevin, like all your traumas, like, how can you do all of that? I mean, you have to wait until you’re like 5060? Or like,

Kevin Anthony 3:03
okay, right. So it sounds like a bit of a daunting challenge, right? Because it takes people an entire lifetime to deal with this stuff. So yeah, maybe it’s a bit much to say to deal with all of them.

Kevin Anthony 3:16
But the point here is, is that wherever you go, there you are, right? You’ve probably heard that before there have been whole books written about it. What that’s really saying is that it doesn’t matter what relationship you’re in, you keep bringing your own junk with you from relationship to relationship, and you keep wondering why the relationships never work.

Céline Remy 3:39
Right? While the common denominator is

Kevin Anthony 3:41
you, you exactly you keep thinking it’s all of them, it’s most likely you in almost every case it is. And so the idea is if you really want to find the right person, and you have to do the personal work to figure out what are your patterns? Where do they come from? How can you fix them? Right? How are they negatively affecting you? We’ll give you one great example. This is that and this comes from a couple of different systems. We’ve talked about Larry Michaels for answers system he uses some of this psychology uses some of this.

Kevin Anthony 4:19
It’s the idea that you tend to be attracted to the opposite sex, who is similar to your opposite sex parrot. And we’ve talked about this once or twice on the show before. But let’s just say that your mother was completely opposite you in every way and you’re a male right? And now you’re gonna go out and look for your one your woman. And you keep finding that all these women you end up dating remind you of your mother.

Kevin Anthony 4:52
She does that just like my mother. Right? Like, do you we hear this all the time. Why is that? Because in, those really formidable years, when you’re a child, the sort of female pattern or archetype gets imprinted into you from the primary female role model in your life, which is your mother. So you start subconsciously unconsciously choosing women over and over and over again that are just like your mother. And by the way, ladies, it works the same for you on you tend to choose men that are just like your dad. Right? This happens a lot. So how do you break that pattern?

Céline Remy 5:38
First, you have to be aware of it. Awareness is the first key because you can’t change what you don’t know. Once you have awareness, you have to put like patterns interrupter, meaning, if you always do XYZ, when this happens, you have to do ABC. Now if you want different results, you have to do different actions. Some people find that it’s really difficult to do that on their own. And that’s when working with somebody, whether it’s a coach or therapist who can help you see things and reorganize, things can be very helpful.

Céline Remy 6:16
A lot of the work that I do when I work with my clients is like habits, like new habits, new mental ways of thinking, and behavior change, because it’s hard to do something different. And you kind of need somebody to kind of kick your butt and be like, Yeah, do it differently. For some people, it’s paying a lot of money to a coach that’s motivating them.

Céline Remy 6:43
For others, it’s having an accountability buddy. For others, it’s showing up every week for their therapy sessions, like whatever it is, it has to just be enough for you that you’re like, Okay, I invested enough energy time money, and I’m willing to make a change.

Kevin Anthony 6:59
Yeah, and that was just one example. There are so so many more, let’s say you have some sort of issue with dependency. So now you keep attracting people that are controlling, right, and want to constantly control you, and you end up putting yourself in this dependent place all the time.

Kevin Anthony 7:19
I mean, there are so many, we could do a whole show, just identifying the different patterns that people have, and how those patterns cause them to attract certain types of people. Now, we’re speaking of course, mainly of negative patterns, because those are the ones that cause you to choose somebody that is not ultimately right for you. They meet that need that the knee that the pattern has

Céline Remy 7:46
the familiarity, the kind of the comfort that’s in the ease of knowing

Kevin Anthony 7:50
exactly, but remember, you are not your programs, right, we got this from our interview with Rachel Fiori right? up, I don’t remember what episode number that was five, or six or seven back, fantastic episode, go listen to it again. But you see, you have these patterns running in the background that is causing you to make certain choices, right, and we can call them patterns, you can call them programs, whatever.

Kevin Anthony 8:17
So if it’s your program that’s causing you to choose a certain person, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to be the right person for you, because you are not your programs, right. And that’s why I know we’re kind of like beating a dead horse with this one. But it is so huge and so important.

Kevin Anthony 8:32
If you do not solve your patterns, your negative patterns, those programs that are running in the background, then you’re gonna have a very, very, very difficult time finding the right person, because you’re going to keep finding people that allow those patterns to continue.

Céline Remy 8:50
I’m going to add one last thing is one pattern that I do see is that people are very uncomfortable being by themselves and being alone. And so they’ll just hop from one relationship to another. And until you feel at ease with yourself, and you can spend a week by yourself on your own without freaking out having a mild heart attack or FOMO, then you probably going to drag the wrong relationship because you’re trying to fill a hole and you need to first become hole yourself.

Kevin Anthony 9:20
That is right.

Céline Remy 9:23
Number two, you have to know what it is that you really want. So the basic set you apply in business is also you can apply them to your relationship. When you want to achieve something in business, you set a goal you put a day, you’re very clear. These are the steps I’m going to take.

Céline Remy 9:44
And sometimes when it comes to relationships, I’ll just like I’ll just take whoever shows up or whoever’s available, but until you really know what it is that you want, you’re probably not going to attract the right person. Unless You are extremely lucky, which can happen. But most of the time, they’re just going to be placed fillers until you know what you want.

Kevin Anthony 10:08
Yeah, so this one is huge, you know, when you coach people, and they’re constantly complaining that they never find the right one, and he was this and she was that and blah, blah, blah, you start asking them, okay, well, what do you want? And then you get this blank stare?

Céline Remy 10:27
Well, start with what you don’t want. That’s a good place. But then you have to move into that. What do you want? Absolutely. So

Kevin Anthony 10:35
a good practice, that we have both done ourselves, and that we guide other people to do too is like, if you’re looking for a partner, sit down with a pen and a paper or do it on your computer, whatever you want. And literally, make a list of what are the qualities that you would like in a partner?

Kevin Anthony 10:55
What are all the things that you’d like, man, if I could have anything in the world in a partner? What would it be? And then also make your list of what we would call deal breakers? What are the things that absolutely are deal breakers? Like, there’s no way like, if they show up? I’m out, right?

Céline Remy 11:13
Yeah. And you know, this is huge. Let’s say you know that you never want to have kids, then you shouldn’t even start a relationship with somebody who wants to have kids

Kevin Anthony 11:22
or even somebody who’s an AMA maybe. Right, so this is, this is really huge. And one of the things that can help you do that, if you’ve had enough relationships in the past, honestly, look at every one of those relationships, and make a list of what worked and what didn’t work. What did you like, and what didn’t you like, and that’s really a great start.

Kevin Anthony 11:45
And every relationship that goes by, you’ll get an insight. Oh, I didn’t even know I wanted this. But this is spectacular. Then another thing you go, I really thought I wanted it, you know, a person that was like that, boy, once I had it, it was awful.

Céline Remy 11:58
If you’re doing it right, each relationship should be a step up. Absolutely. If it’s not, then you’re not doing it right. Let’s move to our number three, it kind of connects to what we just talked about. So now that you’ve made your list, you know what you want. And by the way, just don’t make it about like it has to be 3060 days, and this way stores this type of hair, unless you really would not date somebody who has this hair color, then please just allow the person to be who they are.

Céline Remy 12:31
And just focus more on the qualities rather than the physical attributes otherwise, you’ll stay very shallow. But now that you’ve made your list that who The next question is, who do you have to become to drag that person, this is the step that most people miss. And I love that we put it a step three because it’s not, you have to do your inner work first, you have to get clear.

Céline Remy 12:54
And then again, you have to transform. So the thing is if you want to date somebody who is an outdoor person, and you are truly an urban person who doesn’t like to go out, these two probably won’t get along. I mean, for some people it works, but for most people, it doesn’t. So if you’re truly set on having somebody who’s an outdoorsy person, you are going to have to become more of an outdoorsy person yourself.

Kevin Anthony 13:24
Yeah, and there’s there are many examples that we could give here. Like, let’s say, let’s say you your guy and who you really want to date is like a supermodel right? I’m just gonna make this example really simple. You wanna, you want to date a supermodel right? You want the woman with the perfect ideal body and looks and all that kind of stuff. But you’re sitting on the couch with a big beer belly and a bag of Cheetos. Right? With a budget a bunch of orange cheese crusts, you know, sitting on top of your beer belly.

Céline Remy 13:56
This is gross given,

Kevin Anthony 13:58
right? But you have to understand that, do you really think that supermodel is going to date you

Céline Remy 14:05
on the movies?

Kevin Anthony 14:07
And not even really in movies occasionally in movies, right? The point is that if you have your sights set on somebody, or a certain type of person, ask yourself the question, what kind of person would they date? So Alright, let’s leave the supermodel realm for a minute, right? Let’s just say that you want to date somebody who is an entrepreneur and has a successful business and has stuff happening and going on right?

Kevin Anthony 14:35
But you yourself aren’t that you have some you know, crappy job somewhere where somebody just gives you shit all day long. And you just sit there and take it right and because that’s just what you do, and you need that crappy job, right? You have to realize that whoever it is that you want to be with you have to kind of be on their own. level.

Kevin Anthony 15:00
And if you’re not, you’re never going to get what you want. Right? So then you have to ask the question, How can I become that? How can I show up and become the type of person that this person would want to be with?

Céline Remy 15:13
Absolutely. And it’s a good time to review the list. If you like, I actually don’t want to be that person, then maybe it’s time to change who you are looking for if you’re not willing to make the changes yourself? Absolutely. Let’s move to step number four, we’ve talked about it a bit, which, which is about, you have to break the patterns that are not working for you. So we talked, we talked about the traumas, and Kevin was mentioning the term patterns as well.

Céline Remy 15:40
So dramas issues, and then patterns that are not working for you. I’ll take an example that was happening for me. So most women can relate to that is, we are being taught that, in order to get what we want, we need to complain, like we try to get things by bitching moaning, complaining, even though it doesn’t work. And that’s the role models I had.

Céline Remy 16:06
And if you’ve listened to our interview with john gray about how stress affects your relationships, he went quite a in detail about how it’s a really bad pattern for you to do that. So when the person I was with pointed out to me that he was not going to take this type of talk, and he was out unless I changed. It was a very interesting dilemma that I had, and I had to work on myself. So those patterns that Oh, my gosh, I realize I’m like my mother.

Céline Remy 16:38
And do I want to be that person now? And so you take one at a time and decide this is no longer going to be me. And of course, sometimes you still fail when you fail, instead of you stop. And this is sorry, went back into a pattern. Let’s redo this, you take responsibility. And after a while, it becomes the new norm and it becomes who you are.

Kevin Anthony 16:58
Yeah, and thank you for explaining because we are kind of using the word pattern a lot. The reason why this has its own number here, and it’s not the same as because you have your traumas, from your childhood, from the rest of your life, from past relationships from your parents, teachers, whatever. But then you’ve got patterns that you do, like how you communicate, right? Or do you complain all the time?

Kevin Anthony 17:24
Or do you always look for people in a certain place, but never find them? Because it’s not the right place? Right? There are things that you are doing that we also call patterns, that obviously are not serving you because they’re not bringing you the results that you want. So then you have to look at those and go, okay, is this really working for me, if not, it’s added here.

Céline Remy 17:44
I’ve at number five, go to places that you like and do the things that you like to do.

Kevin Anthony 17:50
Okay, I had to put this on here, because I have this conversation all the time with people when it comes to dating, they’re like, Where are all the I don’t know where to find the good man where all the good women are that you know, this comes up all the time. Here’s the thing. society tells you that if you’re single, and you want to meet somebody, well, nowadays, they mostly say get on an app.

Kevin Anthony 18:13
But prior to that, they would say go to a bar or a bar, go to a club, go to a whatever, okay? If your life really revolves around going to clubs every weekend and dancing or DJing, and that’s your thing. And that’s what you like to do, then that may very well be a good place to meet somebody. But if that’s not your everyday thing, and it’s just like, well, I don’t know where else to go out and look for people, you’re probably not going to find what you’re looking for.

Kevin Anthony 18:40
And the reality is, is that you need to find somebody that is compatible with you, somebody that likes the same types of things that you do. So if you’re really more of a homebody, and you know, maybe on the weekend, what you really want to do is get up early and go for a hike in the forest somewhere. But you don’t know where else to go find people.

Kevin Anthony 19:03
So you go out to the club or the or the bar down the street or whatever, you’re probably going to find somebody that really just wants to stay up all night long and sleep in in the morning. That’s going to be a problem, right? So the idea is people say I don’t really know where to meet people. You meet people by just going out and doing the things that you love.

Kevin Anthony 19:22
If you’re a beach person and you love the beach, just go to the beach. If you’re a nature person and you’d like to spend time in nature, do that. If you’re into cycling, go cycling, if you’re into rock climbing, do that music and go out and play with other people. Just go do the things that you love to do. And other people who love those same things will end up being there and you have a much better chance of meeting somebody that you’re compatible with.

Céline Remy 19:52
join a club,

Kevin Anthony 19:55
join the club.

Céline Remy 19:56
Whatever it is, there’s a lot of cool things or what is it you’ve always wanted To do but was like, no, not really, I don’t have time or I don’t know, if it’s really me, it’s the time for you to try these things out.

Kevin Anthony 20:07
Maybe you love to travel the world and you want a partner that’s going to travel with you. So go travel and stay in hostels, or places like that and meet other people who are also traveling the world like, Yeah,

Céline Remy 20:17
when I was traveling, I traveled by myself, I was 23. And I never traveled alone. Like, I mean, I travel by myself to the country, but as you said, once I would get to the hotel, I would, I would, there was a lot into yoga. So I would take yoga classes, I would meet people that met friends, and we decided to travel together, and which was really cool, because sometimes traveling by yourself as a woman can be difficult.

Céline Remy 20:41
So there was a man there, then I met another woman, and we shared a hotel room together, which was really cool. Got the cost down. I mean, I never was alone. That’s what I’m trying to say, even though I was traveling by myself. So it’s just all about that willingness to be open to meeting other people and opening up.

Kevin Anthony 21:00
Yeah. So you know, these are all in a very specific order. And there’s a reason why the one that comes next relates to the one before it right, that’s on purpose. So the next one on the list is to be 100%. yourself and authentic. Here’s another thing that we see just way way too many times, which is people pretend to be somebody they’re not because they’re trying to attract somebody, Oh, I got to pretend to be Mr. Successful like, Oh, yeah, I got it all going on, right.

Kevin Anthony 21:30
And then later on down the road, when they really get to know each other. It’s like, wait a minute, that’s not really you made your business out to be like some big thing really, you’re straight, you’re broke, you’re struggling, like, you’ve got to be yourself. If you attract somebody, because they think you’re somebody other than who you are, it’s never going to end well.

Kevin Anthony 21:52
It’s never going to end well is not going to go where you want it to go. You want somebody that is attracted to you for who you really are. And the more you can show somebody who you really are and the faster you can show them who you really are, the better the chances are, that this will be a good relationship.

Céline Remy 22:14
I want to talk about the next step here. It’s about compromises. And the rule here is to not compromise. This is hard. Because when you don’t have what you want, you think, well, it’s better this than nothing. But the problem is when you settle for less than what you want, you close the door to what you really want.

Céline Remy 22:34
And you could end up free 510 years down the road to having missed the boat of what you wanted truly to do or meeting that person. And, you know, if you’re a woman, you might have missed your fertility window or like, whatever, you know, don’t compromise. It’s okay. Like, remember there are how many are we on earth now? Seven billion,

Kevin Anthony 22:55
seven and a half billion, right? So

Céline Remy 22:58
not everybody is of dateable aged eight, exactly. But there are billions of people available. And with technology, it’s so much easier now for people to connect from all over the world where you still get to meet even though you don’t live right next to each other. So it opened up for people to connect further than they would have. But don’t compromise if that’s not what you want. 100% say no.

Kevin Anthony 23:27
Yeah, absolutely. And the don’t compromise thing can show up in multiple ways. One of the other ways that it can show up is you meet somebody, and there’s something that you don’t really like, but you’re kind of like, wow, it’s all right. It’s a relatively small thing. And there are these other things that are better that are good. The problem is, is that in that beginning honeymoon phase, it is a small thing.

Kevin Anthony 23:50
Five years in five years later, it’s a giant thing that you just can’t live with anymore. Right. So that’s part of the problem with compromising is what you think will be okay. Wow, it’s not that big a deal. Even though I don’t really like it. later on down the road. It’s gonna be a problem like, you know, here’s a classic one that annoys the shit out of women.

Kevin Anthony 24:13
Well, yeah, he drinks a little bit and then he comes home. He has a beer too. I don’t really like that he does that. But it’s not really a big deal. He’s Yeah, that’s the thing that women always think, Oh, well, don’t worry, I’ll break him of that habit. You

Céline Remy 24:28
know, I see his potential do not date somebody for their potential

Kevin Anthony 24:32
do not literally not. The problem is that a few years later, now you’re annoyed because the first thing he does when he comes home is he cracks open a beer and he gets a little buzzed and he’s not really present with you and you just can’t take it anymore. Right. So that’s another way that the compromise shows up.

Céline Remy 24:52
Alright, number eight, let’s move on is don’t get sucked into the honeymoon phase. So that’s a phase that so many people want to last forever, where it’s all about having a hormonal shower. It’s all driven. It’s hormone-related. And that is your kind of high, you really are you altered your chemistry in your body is altered. And some people get addicted to that.

Céline Remy 25:17
And so if they don’t have that honeymoon phase, which will fade, by the way, anywhere between six to six months to two years for people, once you pass that you’re like, Oh, that’s no longer exciting. I don’t have the butterflies anymore. Some people say that or, you know, they base a relationship on the butterflies, they feel well, it is a way to know, some people just don’t pick the right person. And the butterflies are not what you should go by?

Kevin Anthony 25:47
No, absolutely not. And so, you know, we talked about this with john gray, this is actually a huge part of all of the work that he does. But it’s that idea that there are hormones released that cloud our judgment in the beginning. And so we’ve watched way too many people start relationships and think this is the greatest thing ever, right?

Kevin Anthony 26:07
Only a year later, a year and a half later, whatever it is to end up. This is just not working for me. He’s this. He’s that and, and from an outside perspective, you’re looking at it going. Yeah, he’s always been there. But not since day one. You didn’t know that. You didn’t see that? Right? No, they didn’t see it, because they were clouded by the honeymoon phase chemicals.

Céline Remy 26:28
Alright, so we’ve got two more signs, and then we’ll give you four ways to know that he or she is the one but before that we have an invitation for you. If you are a committed couple, so you have already found the one or who you thought was the one, but you are stuck in a rut and you’re going for the daily motion instead of connecting the way you used to.

Céline Remy 26:47
And you’re tired of mechanical sex that lacks spontaneity and fun and you don’t want to live a life of average, then Kevin and I would like to invite you to join our highly sexed power couple Platinum program. If you give us 90 days, we will help you bring the passion back between the sheets and be synched up sexually so that you can thrive with more purpose and passion in life.

Céline Remy 27:09
For more about this life-changing program, go to kevinanthonycoaching.com/passion and then connect with us hop on a call and we’d love to support you to rise in love and be the power couple that you are.

Kevin Anthony 27:27
That’s right. They may be the one. Maybe you’re not sure. Maybe they’re not but you’ve committed anyway, for other reasons. In any of those cases, we can help you.

Céline Remy 27:37
Yes. All right,

Kevin Anthony 27:39
back to our list.

Céline Remy 27:40
Number nine, if red flags are deal breakers secure, move on quickly, quickly, no matter how hard it is.

Kevin Anthony 27:50
Okay, so this is a tough one, this is a very tough one for people to do. But the idea is this. Maybe you got sucked into the honeymoon phase, maybe you weren’t clear about what you wanted in this new relationship has now shown you what it is you want or what it is you don’t want, or the honeymoon chemicals are wearing off and you’re going, Oh, it’s always better to end it sooner rather than later.

Kevin Anthony 28:18
Because the longer that you stay in this relationship that is not right for you. The harder it’s going to be to move on. Right, it’s gonna be harder to say, Okay, I’m done, I’m out. And then even if you are done in now, the pain that you’ll go through as a result of that will be significantly harder. And this is a trap that a lot of people get caught in. Wow, I know what we’ve been together for three years, and blah, blah.

Kevin Anthony 28:44
And trust me, we are all about we love people that are in love. It doesn’t matter if you are a man and woman, two women, two men, whatever. Like we just love the fact that people are in love and want to stay together. And we highly encourage that. And we do everything we can in our coaching work to try to help people stay together.

Kevin Anthony 29:04
But sometimes, that’s not the right thing to do. Right? Sometimes it really isn’t. Sometimes it’s just more pain for everybody involved. And if you realize that that’s the situation you’re in, then you need to take the hard steps to change it and move on as quickly as possible.

Céline Remy 29:23
The last step is on step number 10 if you know that you have a pattern or have poor choices or like what we call a broken pecker meaning which is big the wrong guys or girls every time then seek help. Like really, whether it’s paid coaching, whether it’s friends who have a healthy relationship and you know, like the kind of have them have access to your dating profile.

Céline Remy 29:49
Or send them the photos of the guys or girls you’re thinking about men or women you’re thinking about dating, you know, like whatever that is, get a second opinion get some help in helping you See when you choose wrongly and listen as I said, my net Dahlia aids the right person.

Kevin Anthony 30:06
Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, this kind of goes back to some of the things in the beginning about some of the patterns that we have in the traumas that cause us to behave in certain ways. But a lot of people have a lot of trouble. Being able to select people that really are good for them, they will over and over and over again, pick somebody that is not right. How do we know this?

Kevin Anthony 30:30
Because we’ve both done it more times than we care to admit, I was terrible at picking people that were right for me. And what’s funny is when Celine and I first got together, we thought, Well, you know, obviously, we’re attracted, you know, we wanted to have sex with each other. But we didn’t think that we were compatible in any way, then we got to know each other.

Kevin Anthony 30:49
And we found that we were massively compatible. And then all of our friends were like, Oh, we’ve known this for years, we’ve been waiting for you to get together. And we’re like, how did we not know that? Right. So that’s, that’s just the way it is. Sometimes our patterns and our, our past experiences prevent us from being able to really see clearly and make good choices.

Kevin Anthony 31:10
And if you know that, that’s the pattern that you have, then go out and hire somebody to help you they can see things that you can’t we have a good friend who has for years, struggled to find somebody, she went out and hired a coach, a rather expensive coach, even more, expensive than working with us. But what happened, she got results. And now she’s in a beautiful relationship.

Kevin Anthony 31:39
They’re merging families, they’re moving together. They’re creating a whole life and business. And it’s amazing, because she got somebody that could say, look, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, here’s what you’re doing. It’s so obvious to me over here. Here’s what you should be doing. Right?

Céline Remy 31:54
Yeah. So let’s say you follow their 10 steps to find the right person, if you’ve, you know, changed yourself made you less got clear with what you wanted and set all of these Sinclair you found the person or the thing, the person you think is the one.

Céline Remy 32:14
Sure, we are going to give you four ways to know that he or she is the one rule. And again, there is no guarantee in life, but having been in success in well in unsuccessful relationships before and now having had a successful relationship for well, going on five and a half years coming on to six is not so long. I can really see the difference.

Kevin Anthony 32:41
Well, and that’s the thing, right? The thing is, you don’t know what you don’t know. Right? So this is always about this always comes up in every, like a romantic comedy movie, right? Which is like, oh, how do I know he’s the right one? And then the older, wiser person in the movie looks at them because you just know. But here’s the thing.

Kevin Anthony 33:05
That’s really true. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But you do sort of just know, in other words, prior to finding the right one, you’re always like, I think but when you find the right one, you go, oh, there’s a huge difference here that I have never seen before. Right?

Céline Remy 33:23
Yeah. And there’s something too about you no longer looking. And maybe I will put this as number one. And I’ll add, that’s a bonus. Right? is when you are with the right person, you are no longer looking.

Céline Remy 33:39
And what’s different is when you’re not with the right person, you might still go to an event and kind of look around and be like, oh, I wonder what it’d be like to have sex with this person or like, Oh, yummy. When you’re with the right person, it doesn’t matter anymore. who shows up? How good-looking they are, even if there’s an attraction because you are with your person. Like it’s something so different.

Kevin Anthony 34:05
Absolutely. And honestly, if you’re listening to this going, I have no idea what they’re talking about. It’s just because you haven’t found the right one yet. And when you do, you’ll go Oh, I get it. I know exactly what they were talking about.

Céline Remy 34:19
Okay, so that was

Kevin Anthony 34:20
a bonus. That was a bonus, you’re actually gonna get five things.

Céline Remy 34:24
All right. The next is that you share the same goals, values, and beliefs in life. And this is huge, huge, like when you are not aligned with your core values. You are going to be at war basically at each other. Because it’s this is what these are what make you and if you are not aligned, you constantly have to fight or explain and it’s extremely tiring.

Kevin Anthony 34:56
Yeah, a lot of people don’t give this enough. importance, the shared values and goals, and beliefs. A lot of times like, Well, you know, he believes this, I believe that you know, and whatever, it’s not that big a deal. But over time these things become a big deal.

Kevin Anthony 35:13
Especially if you don’t have the same goals like and your goals, your beliefs, and your values, there are different levels, right? So there are really big things. You know, like, I believe in, you know, this religion or belief system, and you don’t like that’s huge for most people that that could be a huge deal-breaker, and

Céline Remy 35:31
then you could be believing in aliens, and the other doesn’t, and I think that’s okay.

Kevin Anthony 35:36
Yeah, exactly. I’m pretty sure aliens exist. The other ones, like, get out of here, like No way, you know. So yeah, that’s probably not that big a deal, right? But on the big life, things, whether it’s, you know, children, marriage, a religion, and how to

Céline Remy 35:55
live a good life, like what makes you a good person, the values of like,

Kevin Anthony 36:00
even potentially political views, these are all things that are important to have in alignment.

Céline Remy 36:06
Yes. Next is you both Own your stuff, what are your insecurities? What do your inner demons and you can show up in the relationship and say, Hey, this is me. And by the way, I tend to be, I don’t know, insecure, so I need extra reassurance. I tend to be a little bit is a trigger. So I’m sorry, I’ll do my best to not get angry. But that happens.

Kevin Anthony 36:34
By Own your stuff. We don’t mean you own your car when you show the relationship or you own a house. But no, that’s not what we mean. What we mean is that when things get difficult, and they will and conflicts occur, or triggers happen, you own it, and you take responsibility for and you don’t try to blame the other person. In so many relationships, it’s like, whoa, hey, why? No, no, no, no, that’s all you right there, you know?

Kevin Anthony 37:00
And the reality is, is most of the time it isn’t them. It’s you. And you should just go Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. And why would you do that? You would do that. Because you genuinely care about the other person. And you want to solve the situation. And you know that one of the best ways to do that is to simply admit that you’re wrong, right? And take responsibility for it and move on. And the problem is when you’re not with the right person, and you a lot of times you’re just not capable of really doing that is not me, Stan.

Céline Remy 37:36
Okay, next is that you appreciate each other and each other’s biggest cheerleader. And this is a huge one. Basically, what that means is that you feel unconditional support and acceptance from your partner. That means that they love who you are. In, like, everything about you the good things and not as good things didn’t weigh that you can be grumpy in the morning and, or this or that they go like that the whole package.

Céline Remy 38:05
And I love the package as it is I don’t want to change that person. That’s really where it comes down to it, I don’t need to change my partner. I accept and love this person for who they are.

Kevin Anthony 38:17
If your partner is not your biggest cheerleader, then who is your mom may be okay. Yeah, your mom and your dad, they’re probably you’re also other biggest cheerleaders. But seriously, if your partner is not your biggest cheerleader, that is a problem. Meaning that they should love and support you and be encouraging you to be the best that you can be all the time. And if they’re not, and they’re probably not the right person, one of the things that you’ll see a lot is a partner will not do that out of fear.

Kevin Anthony 38:51
What do I mean by that? Well, let’s say that I’m just gonna make up an example. Let’s say somebody works a regular job, you know, he will take the guy, he works a regular job. But he’s also a musician, and he’s getting pretty good at it. And he’s, he’s at that place where he’s thinking, I might want to go pro quit my day job and become a professional musician.

Kevin Anthony 39:16
Well, his partner’s over there going, Oh, I don’t want him doing that. He’s going to be out late. He’s going to have women throwing themselves at him all the time because they all want to sleep with the guitar player or whoever, right? And she might start sort of slowly said, No, you don’t want to do that. All the chances of you being successful are not real good about it’s all this sort of subtle sabotage stuff where what she shouldn’t be saying is, I love you so much.

Kevin Anthony 39:42
That I want you to be happy in this world. I want you to do what you love. I want you to be successful, doing something that lights you up every day and anything I can do to support that I will do. That’s what your partner should be doing.

Céline Remy 39:57
That’s huge. Okay, the last sign is that it should feel easy. Last but not least, there’s this misconception that relationships are hard. They’re hard work. And if your soul mate, you’re going to be like, I don’t know, like, like hurting each other over and over to move through your trauma. Anybody who’s

Kevin Anthony 40:22
had as a long successful relationship has been through hell and back to make that happen.

Céline Remy 40:27
No, no, it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s some people it is what they do. But it doesn’t have to be that way. And when you are with the right person, it just feels easy. It’s, and that

Kevin Anthony 40:40
doesn’t mean you’re not going to have challenges, right? When we say that doesn’t mean that Oh, it’s a fairy tale storybook. Perfect, right? No, there’s going to be challenged. There’s gonna be things that are hard. But all in all, in general, it feels pretty easy.

Kevin Anthony 40:54
Yeah, you got to do your work from time to time. But for the most part, you’re like, wow, this is really awesome. It’s been like 10 years. And it feels like we just started dating yesterday. You know, like, that’s how you know you’re with the right person,

Céline Remy 41:06
I’m going to add a second bonus, just because, right? Being together makes you a better person, and makes the world a better place.

Kevin Anthony 41:18
Yeah, that’s a good one, we have a friend. And this is, this is actually I think before you knew them that they said this, but you know who I’m referring to. I had two friends, they were in a relationship for about a decade. And when they first got together in that relationship, they said they promised to stay together, as long as the two of them together, brought more good into the world than not. And about 10 years later, their lives were kind of going in different directions.

Kevin Anthony 41:50
They were wanting different things. They got together again, and they seriously sat down and looked at it and said, Are we still there? Are we still bringing more to the world now than if we were apart? And they decided that wasn’t true anymore? And so they moved on. But it’s amazing that they were even able to do that how many people could really do that? Right? I mean, that’s actually pretty amazing.

Kevin Anthony 42:14
And so the idea is that we’re just talking about supporting each other and like helping each other shine and be the best we can be. If we’re both doing that for each other, then we are creating more good in the world. And that’s what that’s ultimately what you want. That’s how you know you’re in a great healthy relationship.

Céline Remy 42:35
Yes. And we’re going to leave you with this wisdom to remember that amazing relationship, they are built, not found. A lot of people just think it should just land on their lap, and there’s going to be nothing to do about it. But it’s an everyday dedication, attention, energy that you invest in your relationship to build the amazing relationship that you want.

Kevin Anthony 43:02
Yes. And it’s all the work that you did before you got into that relationship and all the work that you continue to do while you are in it. Alright, everybody, that’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you like this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 43:29
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 43:43
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 43:44
And remember, you’re amazing