Do Big-Age Differences in Relationships Matter?

Céline Remy 0:11
Welcome to the love lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you are a man, woman, single or couple, this is the show for you, because, well, sex matters. We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony, and Céline Remy.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right. Welcome back to the love lab podcast. This is Episode 66. And it’s titled do big age differences in relationships matter. And we’re kind of excited to talk about this one, one, because it’s something that comes up actually, somewhat regularly in working with clients. In fact, you’re actually working with some clients right now a big age difference.

Kevin Anthony 0:51
And then the other thing is, is because we’ve personally experienced what it’s like to be in relationships with big age differences. And we have several couples, or at least had several couples that were personal friends of ours who had big age differences also. So we’ve got a lot to share on this subject.

Céline Remy 1:09
Yeah. So I want to put some numbers when we say, Hey, what’s a big age difference, because it’s all relative, right? For some, it’s like, oh, my God, a three-year gap is gigantic. And for me, the relationships were, for over 10 years in a much older relationship two much older relationships. One was 31 age difference, and the other one was 30 years. So that’s definitely really big. And then in full transparency, we do have nine years of an age difference.

Kevin Anthony 1:40
I am the younger one.

Céline Remy 1:41
No, you are not. Even though to us, it seems like nothing. Especially like, after the 30 plus years age difference, I was like nine years, it’s a breeze, nothing. It’s like the same age, right?

Kevin Anthony 1:59
When we get to the end, near the end of the episode, where we talk about tips will explain a little bit more as to why that nine-year difference between us doesn’t really matter.

Céline Remy 2:10
So today, we’re going to share with you some of the myths, we’re going to share with you some of the challenges, the advantages, some studies, and of course, our tips to make it work. But before we dive into all of those, let’s give a big shout out to our sponsor power and mastery.

Céline Remy 2:29
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Kevin Anthony 2:53
Great programs, they really are. Okay, so you know, the first thing I wanted to talk about when it comes to the age differences is that your age difference means different things at different times of your life. In other words, and we were talking about this, when we were prepping the show is like, you know, the difference between, say 20 and 40 is a lot different than say, you know, 40 and 50.

Kevin Anthony 3:22
The point is, is that when you’re really young, and you’re with somebody who’s significantly older, you’re in very different stages of your life. And that age difference can really show up big, but as you get older and you mature, that age difference really shrinks, like it really does shrink.

Céline Remy 3:39
And then it kind of reverse goes for some if they’re half declines to then it can also again become a big gap if one is still feeling really young and healthy. And the other one is older.

Kevin Anthony 3:52
Exactly. So it changes depending on where you are in your life. So that’s kind of an important point to bring up, right when we’re talking about age gaps. Because we might say something where somebody who’s in an age gap where they’re very young, they’re just starting out in life with somebody who’s already established and older, they might go, Well, that’s bullshit, because I experienced right or somebody in the middle will go, Oh, that’s bullshit, that doesn’t happen, because we don’t have that, you know.

Kevin Anthony 4:16
So just realize that some of the things that we’re going to say that are maybe disadvantages or even advantages, or disadvantages or advantages based on the sort of where you are in your period of life.

Céline Remy 4:30
Yes, yes. And I think to be clear in age differences here, I’m seeing anything above 10 as bigger age difference or 1015. And above 1015 2030, you know, because I think honestly, below 10. It’s not that much of a big gap, of course, unless you like 18 and 25, or 18 and 28. And Mike Yes, that’s a little bit bigger, like we said, different phases of life. But that was just to put some numbers. Again, it’s all relative, what does it mean to you, and if to you five years is huge, and just go with it?

Kevin Anthony 5:05
Yeah. And actually, when we get into the studies to that’s what most of the studies defined as being a big age gap is 10 plus year,

Céline Remy 5:12
We are just under.

Kevin Anthony 5:13
Yes!

Céline Remy 5:14
That means that we really have nothing. Alright, so I’m super excited because I want to dive into the myths. And that was like, Okay, why do people think so? Because I was the younger one. So I was 23. And my partner was 53 going on 54, you know? So people always had the question is like, it’s him, either one of them is he has money, or he has a big cock. That’s the only reason why a young woman would want to be with an older man.

Kevin Anthony 5:44
And you know, we’ve all heard that stereotype many, many times. It’s actually quite pervasive. So the question is, is that true?

Céline Remy 5:54
No. It wasn’t a small one.

Kevin Anthony 6:01
If you’re listening, and you know who you are.

Céline Remy 6:07
One of the other myths too is that he if in here we looking at again, the younger woman and older man, he wants to beauty and youth. And that’s what I really wanted to talk about. Because there is definitely an idea like, you know, he left me for a younger one, because he wanted that. And I tried to explain to women that oftentimes the men, it’s not so much that they are after the beauty and youth and I mean, who isn’t? I mean, let’s be honest, when you see a beautiful young body, whether it’s male or female, there is something very unique about that stage of our life.

Céline Remy 6:43
But it passes for us all, you know, but oftentimes, what the men are looking for is radiance. And regions are not associated with your chronological age. It’s youthfulness. That’s not youth, per se, it’s that energy. There’s also something that sometimes men would love to have in a woman. They find this more easily into a younger woman than an older woman is somebody who’s willing to listen to them. And not just gas, drink them at everything and be like, no, are bitching and complaining and moaning or challenge everything all the time? Yeah.

Céline Remy 7:26
So here, we’re talking more about dynamics about polarity. And sometimes it’s associated with chronological age, but it doesn’t have to be. So I really think that this myth comes from the idea that it’s not an age thing. It’s an energy thing. And it’s a behavior more than anything else.

Kevin Anthony 7:47
Yeah, absolutely. And, and we’ve all seen, and this goes both ways for men and women. But from my point of view, like I’ve definitely seen older women who were quite old, but you look at them, and you’re like, wow, like there’s something. There’s something about them like, yeah, you can tell if they’re older, maybe they’re if their hairs a little gray, or they’re great.

Kevin Anthony 8:10
But there’s something there’s an energy, there’s a bump, it was a radiance, it’s a radiance, yeah, exactly that exists, and you’re like us, and when you see that, especially if you’re let’s say you’re a woman, and you see that, or if a guy and I see an older guy who’s quite a bit older than me, but as you know, fit and like healthy and vibrant. You go.

Céline Remy 8:29
Yeah, I want to be that when I’m that age, you know? And it’s possible because we see those examples. Absolutely. Another myth is that she wants power. She’s only after the social status. And there’s also a reframe here. So yes, sometimes that could be the case. But the other time, it’s a maturity, it’s a stability and emotional stability and maturity that an older person has. And it could be linked with a social status and power to because it kind of comes hand in hand. But it doesn’t have to go together.

Kevin Anthony 9:06
Yeah, and you know, if you’re a younger listener, like considerably younger, this is something that that guys maybe in their early 20s, or so, actually talk about amongst themselves, which is that their dating pool is a little bit shrunk, because the women who are the same age as them are dating guys who are 30. They’re like, okay, right. And this is something I remember when I was younger, too. And, and what you realize is, is what the women really are seeking is that maturity.

Céline Remy 9:38
So step your game up.

Kevin Anthony 9:40
Exactly. So. So if you’re like, if you’re like 20-21, and like most of the girls around your age are dating older men actually look at yourself and see why that is right. Because most likely, you’re not presenting the level of maturity that they’re looking for.

Céline Remy 9:54
Hmm. Okay. And the last myth that we came up with is kind of one of my most favorite because, again, having been an older, younger relationship, I really have been exposed to all of that. If you are with somebody who’s older, you must have a daddy or mommy issue, basically. And it’s interesting because to me, and yes, I’ve seen it in some relationships. In my case, it’s never been the case, I have a great relationship with my dad, I love my dad.

Céline Remy 10:23
I wasn’t seeking a dad per se, I have a dad who’s present whom I love. And it’s like, no, it has nothing to do with that. So these are like some of the myths laughing so that people can feel more comfortable with their own discomfort.

Kevin Anthony 10:39
Yes… so

Céline Remy 10:43
Oh, and there’s one last thing I wanted to add is, there is a prejudice to that it’s more so socially acceptable to have an older man with a younger woman than the opposite. Like, I think there’s a badge of honor of like, Oh, look at him, he’s got this really young, trophy wife, per se. And again, that’s like, a prejudice that I’m putting there. You know, but like, if you’re a younger man with an older woman’s, like, what’s wrong with you?

Céline Remy 11:08
You could date a hot chick, and you’re having this older woman. And I’m like, yeah, maybe because she makes love like a goddess. And maybe because she’s not putting you down, but she’s building you up, like so many different things. But I do have to say that it is definitely not equal, in terms of being an older man with a younger woman is much more received, like more well-received and the opposite.

Kevin Anthony 11:35
Yeah. And we do see examples of both. I mean, I personally think celebrities are about the worst example of anything that’s ever use. But having said that, there are actually some well-known examples of much older celebrities dating much younger men, much older female celebrities who are dating much younger men. So it’s out there.

Céline Remy 11:57
Yeah, just look for them. They are good role models. You and you need that. All right, Kevin, are you gonna take us into the challenges? Yes. Okay. So

Kevin Anthony 12:07
take us into some of the challenges. And we want to cover challenges first, and that way we can go into the advantages and then the tips, and we’ll always end on a positive note. Okay, but all of that said, right, we did a lot of sort of explaining in the beginning that it’s totally possible is totally normal, and all this stuff. And all of that is true. And there is the reality, that in certain situations, there can be some challenges as a result of big age differences. So you already talked about social disapproval.

Céline Remy 12:38
Yeah. And I want to add to social disapproval, something that I learned from being in an older-younger relationship where how you feel affects how others perceive you. So if you have within yourself even a tiny, tiny little bit of doubt, or, or inconsistency or like, oh, wow, embarrassing embarrassment, embarrassment, they see huge. People will feel it, people will reflect that back to you. And it’s funny, you chose the word embarrassment because my wasband so the first men that are married was 31 years older.

Céline Remy 13:18
And he definitely had that in society at the beginning. Like he would not always introduce me as his wife. And then at some point, I was like, dude, you know, if we’re together now, we’re just gonna make this and make it like official. You married me, like, just own it now. So what I’ve noticed it was for myself once I became okay with that, that, yeah, the man I was with was this young stud and it was okay for me. It didn’t bother me anymore. how others what others say it’s basically,

Kevin Anthony 13:52
yeah. And so the disadvantages, the disadvantage is that some people will disapprove. Oh, yes. And who cares?

Céline Remy 14:02
Exactly. based on whatever thing, I mean, you won’t go anywhere, because there’s always gonna be somebody who’s gonna hate you and somebody who’s gonna cheer you?

Kevin Anthony 14:10
Yeah. Alright, the next one is a little bit more challenging at times, which is being able to keep up physically. And, you know, this sort of depends on the two people that are in the relationship, right. But if the younger person tends to be more physically active, and wants to sort of push the limits and go out and do things go for long hikes, or, you know, they’re super into working out and training and that sort of thing, and, and the person who’s older, can’t keep up, that can be a challenge.

Kevin Anthony 14:42
Then the person who always wants to go do things is like, Well, you can’t come with me, but I’m gonna go do them anyway. Right. And so, this can be tricky, especially as you get as both of you get older and yours.

Céline Remy 14:54
Yeah, I mean, actually, one of the most likely scenarios is that oftentimes, the person will say, being as active and they kind of like find a middle ground younger

Kevin Anthony 15:04
person. Yes.

Céline Remy 15:05
And which is also not that good. Because Ideally, you should be active when you’re younger. And even in your older times. But yes, there is definitely this, this physical challenge. And you see it when you go up here, you know, like, you go up here, and you’re like talking and going fast and slow down, they can talk and they’re like, going to the top. I mean, that’s the reality when life catches up with you. And you’re like, Oh, yeah, we’ve got an age difference. Yeah.

Céline Remy 15:35
Another one is, is really about the different phases and stages of life. This is real. It’s a big one that I wanted to talk about as one of the challenges because I experienced that. So when I was in this relationship, we got married, I was 23. And he was 53-54. He already had had kids, and, you know, established himself and a lot of different things there. When you are in your early 20s, I wanted to travel, I wanted to see the states, I wanted to see the world and I had already been traveling a lot. And he wasn’t that much in that phase of his life, which makes total sense. He already had built his life had a home, I mean, so many things.

Céline Remy 16:23
To him, it was more about settling. Our relationship lasted five years. And during those five years, I held back a lot in terms of what I wanted to do. He kept saying, yes, we’ll do this, and we’ll do that. But in reality, he wasn’t really in that phase of his life. That’s ultimately why our relationship didn’t continue. I always say that I had a really good relationship, but I wanted great, and I knew there was something better.

And I know now you know, there was definitely better. But that’s you have to be honest, you know, if you are in a different time of your life, you know, you have to ever be okay with not doing those things at all in your life. or there might be a time where you go for them. That means that your path separates.

Kevin Anthony 17:12
Yeah, and the different phases can mean a lot of different things. For instance, we know another couple that we were friends with who actually is a couple anymore. But you know, he was much older, she was much younger. She was in the phase of her life where she really wanted to go out and party lot. And she wanted to go out and spend time with friends. She wanted to travel, she really wanted to explore open relationships and the like, the world was her oyster, so to speak. And it was like this big, wide world with all these things to experience and all these things to try and do.

Kevin Anthony 17:46
And he, on the other hand, was really wanting to slow down, settle down. He was established in his home, he wanted to nest more and take things a little slower in life. And she just wanted to explode like that a Giant Bomb. Yeah. And ultimately, that’s from what we know. One of the major contributors to them not being together anymore. They were just in very different phases of life.

Céline Remy 18:12
And then this is a reality of, Well, some people call it the biological clock, and she might be taking her sweet time. Do I want to be a mother? Do I want children? I have time? And if he’s the one who’s older, he might be like, yeah, my time for being a dad, even if you can conceive, if you become a dad in your 60s or late 50s. I mean, you look at by the time your kid goes to college.

Kevin Anthony 18:38
Yeah. And, you know, there are plenty of dads that are that all because there’s a lot of people who don’t really think about the consequences of it. But there are realities, right. It’s like, it doesn’t matter that we can physically do it. As far as like, you know, we still got sperm that are moving. But there are realities about, you know, are you going to be able to, for the kid’s college, when you’re already retired and on a fixed income, you know, are you going to have the energy to keep up and give the kid the attention that they need?

Kevin Anthony 19:09
Are you even still going to be physically alive when the child you know, I mean, child, right. So, you know, they might be already you know, 17-18, or whatever, but, but disappearing, because you’re dead, when they’re still that young, that can have a pretty, pretty big effect on kids. And we’ve seen it actually quite a few times, even in my own family, I’ve seen that scenario play out. So these are things that you really need to think about.

Céline Remy 19:39
Absolutely. Another one too, that comes as a challenge. And it comes to just the age difference are half challenges. And it’s true, you know, our bodies do wear out, and you can do the best to keep everything moving. But you’ll see that you’re a little slower, or the joints need to be a little bit more warmed up and lubricate did before they feel good, you know, or like your teeth, your teeth, like you reach 60. And then it’s like a year, obviously, you know, they all depending on the diet that you’ve had and stuff like that. I mean, there are so many little things.

Céline Remy 20:14
And, you know, health challenges and money issues, I think, are some of the biggest stressors on the relationship. And, you know, if you and then I think we’re going to tie the next one, which is the differences in the sex drive. Because we’ve had challenges that comes like libido, like ups and downs. And imagine the younger one might be like, Yes, I want to do it in every possession everywhere, anytime. And the older one might be like,

Kevin Anthony 20:43
yeah, that’s me.

Céline Remy 20:44
That’s true. The older one might be like, yeah, I need a little warm-up, or I need a prep time to get there or like this, I need to pop a pill or get a pump or like so many different

Kevin Anthony 20:58
things. Sometimes it’s like, again, we just had sex five days ago, yeah, the person that was five fucking days ago, that was like an eternity.

Céline Remy 21:08
So I think like these are, you know, different challenging challenges to and maybe one of the biggest ones is that which we briefly mentioned, was around planning for the future. And you have to be so realistic, you know, like, for me seeing that I didn’t know how long the person I was with was going to, to live. And granted, he wasn’t that old. But after that, I had another older-younger relationship to which had some health challenges on his part. And it helped me actually love better love more because I was more aware of the mortality.

Céline Remy 21:46
I know that when we aren’t the same age or close to same-age relationships, we kind of think we are invincible, and we’re going to live forever. Nobody does. And the thing is when you are having a bigger difference in the edge, it forces you to be honest with some of these things. I think we’ll talk more about that in a little bit later. But I think it’s can show up as a big challenge. Because in our society, we’re very afraid of death, we’re very afraid of things ending and shifting and changing. Honestly, having a big gap will force you to look at those things.

Kevin Anthony 22:23
Yeah. So you know, you kind of addressed that challenge in a way that sort of made it an advantage, right, which is that you loved more fully because you never knew how much time you were going to have, especially when he was experiencing some health challenges. On the disadvantaged side of that, and you can speak more to this, but I know there are certain future plans that you didn’t actually make. Because you know you sort of couldn’t.

Céline Remy 22:49
Yeah, you know, like, in our relationship, we talked about the future, we imagine ourselves older, what it would be like to be either retired or some of the plans that we have. And I noticed that that created a depth of intimacy that I never experienced in the 10 years that I was in an older relationship, because honestly, you don’t, you don’t grow all together. When you have 30 or 41 years age difference. You grow old sometime, but not together to which to the end. And that’s a big thing. That’s a big difference.

Céline Remy 23:23
Sometimes you might prevent you from going all the way in because there are things you can’t experience. You can also come to full acceptance, where you go like, this is how things are and I’m okay with that. And that’s fine. Or you could fight it. But you have to be honest with that.

Kevin Anthony 23:43
Yeah. Okay. So we covered all the things that could be potential disadvantages, let’s talk about some of the advantages of having an age difference is there is some right, definitely awesome. So the first one that we put down on the list is the freedom to follow your heart and not worry about what other people think. And so that’s one way to say it. The other is love doesn’t know any age, right? Love is love.

Kevin Anthony 24:09
To be able to just follow your heart and love who you love and not get too heady about, well, there’s this much of an age difference. So that calculates this. But in this day and age, this will be like, without overthinking it too much like love who you love, you know,

Céline Remy 24:23
yeah. And there’s so much freedom about that. And going against the grain, you know, the rebel in me really enjoyed that.

Kevin Anthony 24:32
So if you want to piss off your parents, it’s somebody who’s way older than you

Céline Remy 24:37
Or them. Because it didn’t happen to me.

Kevin Anthony 24:41
While they were not way older than them.

Céline Remy 24:43
Just a few years. Yeah, that’s a little weird. Okay, another thing that’s a really cool benefit is that you do benefit from the years of wisdom and experience of the older person. I think that you know, I’ve always considered myself being more mature than my chronological age. That’s why I’ve always been attracted to all the people, even just with my circle of friends, I always had at least five, six years older friends and my age. One of the things that I noticed that I like to do a lot is I pay attention.

Céline Remy 25:12
I listened to people, I’m like, Well, here’s a life lesson, they learned, hey, I don’t have to go through this to learn it, I could just take the lesson from them without having the shitty experience. It’s kind of a shortcut for life, and it helps me a lot. If you can see it like that and be like, Hey, what’s the wisdom that you can bring? what’s the experience, because even if they even if you like having the same wisdom, they have more years on the earth and with more years on the earth, it does create more experience. That’s, that’s the bottom line of that, you know,

Kevin Anthony 25:45
it really is. And actually, in our society, it’s really quite sad. We just kind of throw old people away. We just do out there the old model, it’s like last year’s model of anything, right? It’s like, oh, last year’s computer, last year’s car, whatever, the old ones no good anymore, we got to go with the younger, flashy or whatever, one. And what’s really missed in that is all of the knowledge and experience. And that’s honestly part of why we keep repeating the same problems over and over and over again because we’re not learning from the past. Right.

Kevin Anthony 26:16
So that’s just a little aside on society in general. But, but yeah, that’s a real advantage is, is that somebody who’s older will typically be hopefully not always, hopefully, be more mature, more emotionally mature, and hopefully have learned better communication skills, there’s a lot of stuff there that they could impart to you.

Céline Remy 26:40
And patience. That’s true is, even it isn’t for myself, I see that I already have more patience than in my early 20s. And there’s a little bit more to go.

Kevin Anthony 26:52
That’s one of the things you say to me a lot is like a boy, you’ve really taught me patience. Absolutely. Here’s the funny thing about that this is I never considered myself to be a particularly patient person. But as I get older, I do become more patient. And we have a little bit of an age difference. Like I’m already at a point where I’m more patient. And so now you’re like, oh, gosh, I should be more patient.

Céline Remy 27:15
One of the other advantages can be also that there’s less jealousy. And it’s it can be it always depends on people’s maturity. But also that love is based on more than just beauty you for physical appearances. And there’s something to be said when you look at the person you’ve chosen to love. And they will have signs of an aging body that you don’t have. But you can still see beauty, you can still feel attraction. And it’s not based just on the looks. It has another depth to it, it definitely is a different kind of love.

Kevin Anthony 27:51
Yeah. And that’s big because we’re all going to get old at some point. Yeah. Right. So if your relationship is based purely on looks, that relationship doesn’t have a lot of stamina. That is correct.

Céline Remy 28:04
So we were curious about science. And, you know, granted, there are not too many studies that have been done, some of them are a little bit older, like 10 years older, like it was 2008, some of those, so things can have changed, but they brought up some good points. And also, one thing to realize is that Eastern vs Western society is very different.

There are many places around the world where a huge age gap is absolutely the norm, wherein the Western world, it’s a little bit less, actually, in terms of across western countries, there’s about 8% of all married heterosexual couples, that can be classified as having a large age gap like 10 years or more on the 8%.

Céline Remy 28:51
I think it’s much higher in everyone’s Okay, it’s there was something else that was really interesting because I talked about the heterosexual is here. There was something that also there was some evidence to show that on same-sex couples, there are higher rates in terms of age gap. What it showed is that in male-to-male relationships, there was a 25% chance of a big age gap, and 15 on female-female relationships.

Kevin Anthony 29:19
Yeah, I found this very interesting. This is not something that we were thinking about in any way when we were prepping for this, we just came across it in the research. And so I don’t have an explanation for why that is, I’d be curious to know if there’s, if there’s anybody in the community, that’s feedback for us on that I’d be really interested to know

Céline Remy 29:40
if you know, email us.

Kevin Anthony 29:43
But when we found that fact, I started thinking about, because I do know, a lot of same-sex people. And I started thinking about it. And I realized suddenly, at that moment, that Yeah, I actually do, I can think of quite a few examples of, especially in male to male more. So I’ve known quite a few gay couples, where one man was significantly older than the other not even like 10 years, like sometimes 20 years. I mean that and I realized, wow, yeah, that that is actually somewhat common.

Kevin Anthony 30:14
And 25%. That’s, that’s three times as many as in heterosexual relationships. So that’s, that’s a pretty big difference. don’t necessarily know why, but it’s an interesting stat that we came across.

Céline Remy 30:26
Okay, so something that many people assume is that the age gap couples fare poorly in when it comes to relationship outcomes? They go like, yeah, it’s not meant to last. And you know, obviously, my relationship only lasted five years. And then number five for the f1. So yeah, it’s not that long. But some studies found that the relationships that satisfaction reported by age-gap couples is higher.

Céline Remy 30:48
These couples also seem to report greater trust and commitment and lower jealousy than similar-age couples. In over three-quarters of couples were younger women are a partner with older men reports, satisfying romantic relationships.

Kevin Anthony 31:03
And I think that the reasons for that are all of those advantages that we just talked about. Yes, the increase in maturity, the experience, like all those things that we’ve covered already, I think, are largely responsible for them.

Céline Remy 31:16
I think that as you get older, it’s easier to put your partner’s needs first before yours. And you’ve already built your kingdom as a guy and you like, yes, if you’re finding your queen, and you like knocking make time for her, I’m willing to be more emotional because I’ve learned that it’s okay as a man to be emotional. So all of these things are actually sexy to us. So it doesn’t mean you have to wait until you’re 50 or 60.

Céline Remy 31:39
To get there, you could get there sooner, but sometimes it takes a little bit longer. And then actually studies also one study that we found hit that studies have shown that women are happier with older male partners and the other way around.

Kevin Anthony 31:55
Yeah, that was interesting. You know, I would throw out they’re also because one of the things that we saw when researching this is, the question then becomes what is the right? age gap? Right. So what is a good age gap? Hmm. Well, there’s been very few studies done on this. And almost every article that we found talking about this subject, they were all referencing the same one study that was done.

Kevin Anthony 32:23
So obviously, there hasn’t been a whole lot of, you know, research on this, but they say about one year. Yeah. Which I kind of laughed at. And not just because we have an age difference. But when I look around our own social circle, some of the most successful relationships in that social circle,

Céline Remy 32:44
they have nine years like us,

Kevin Anthony 32:46
yeah, they have anywhere from like a six to nine-year age gap,

Céline Remy 32:51
with him being older.

Kevin Anthony 32:53
And everyone, yeah, he’s older. Now, granted, our own social circle isn’t necessarily representative of the entire world than that. But I just thought that was very interesting, because when I’m reading all these articles, and they’re saying one year, one year, one year, one and a half years, you know, you know, I look around at the people that I know, and some of the most successful relationships are the ones that have that bigger age gap.

Céline Remy 33:20
It always, as always, it depends on the individuals they are, these are just dots I and in they are conflicting results, too. So you know, take it with a grain of salt, we wanted to share those with you. And let’s dive into the tips on how to make it work. So let’s say you’ve decided to have a big age difference relationship. And you’re like, okay, because they come with their own set of challenges as we talked it through. And I think one of the most important things is to surround yourself with positive people, people who support your relationship, people who are totally fine with it.

Céline Remy 33:50
Because if you constantly have to fight against them will prove that your relationship is worth investing in and being in, it’s tiring, and you don’t want to spend your time doing that. So number one is support yourself, surround yourself with supportive people. And look for role models. Look for people who are doing who you are, what you are doing, not who you are doing unless you’re in an open relationship. But who you are doing that which you trying to accomplish, because again, positive role models will impact you

Kevin Anthony 34:23
totally. And then, you know, next on the list is to have honest communication. And this is really big because we talked about some of these things about, you know, making plans for the future and, and being super honest about what it is you want in life, right? Because you might be in different phases. And you got to be really honest, hey, I’m in the phase where I want to go out and party and have sex with a million people. And the other person is like, now I’m in the phase where I just want to nest and be with one monogamous person, right?

Kevin Anthony 34:49
You have to have those kinds of conversations, and you have to be really honest. And that’s, that’s where a lot of these relationships get into trouble is they want it to they want to make it work so badly. Haha, that they’re not truly 100% honest ago. Wow. Yeah, I’m totally fine. Being in a monogamous relationship. And inside what’s really like, screaming back here somewhere going, I really just want to be like a gang fight. You know, like, like, and we’ve seen this, we personally witnessed this with couples we know. So gotta have really honest communication.

Céline Remy 35:22
And that leads to talking about your fears and talk about death. And I know that it’s hard, but it has to be acknowledged, it has to be acknowledged that you’re afraid what? What’s going to happen when you’re gone, because honestly, if you have a 30 years age gap, you don’t want to die together on us you really happy having a short life. But I’ve always seen this relationship with my husband as that I would have another relationship, whether it ended or wherever it ended by death or a choice because I knew that there was going to be another phase of my life.

Céline Remy 35:55
At some point, this could only have a limited had an expiration date. Interested did. And if you can talk about this and not pretend it doesn’t exist, it actually creates so much intimacy and not so much more depth for your relationship. And then, you know, in talking about your needs, like Kevin was talking about being in different phases of life, communicate about what they are, and be open to creative solutions. Because again, monogamy is not the only way.

Céline Remy 36:22
You don’t have to be sexual with other people. But maybe you can be central or maybe it’s okay, that you go on a weekend alone, like, like, find ways that you keep your hobbies or something that doesn’t involve your partner, like, have that.

Kevin Anthony 36:36
Yeah, absolutely. And let’s say you’re the one that wants to go do ultra marathons and your partners, you know, just not physically capable, you have to agree that, okay, you’re going to be training X amount of time. And you might have this training partner, or maybe that you know, one person isn’t functioning sexually, you know, the way they used to, well, you have to communicate, hey, I have these needs, you can’t meet these needs, what can we do about it,

Céline Remy 37:06
then you have to be really clear. Again, we’ve talked about that. But wherever you having children and what it means for the younger ones and the older one, because you have to imagine that it could be a scenario to where the older person might need some care, and you might engine ending up changing to diapers. And that might not be what you wanted to sign up for. You know, and I’m being a little bit like, this is a crazy scenario. But it’s not that crazy websites certain age gap, and realize what it really means. Like you have to be clear.

Céline Remy 37:36
And one of my friends had older parents, and she didn’t like that she felt like she had been raised more by her sister, rather than her parents. She said they never wanted to go skiing and do all these fun things with me because of course, they were like already in their late 60s. And she suffered from that. I know other peoples who enjoyed it because their parents were able to give them more attention and time. So again, it’s very different for everyone between you have to be very clear about having children what it looks like, Who’s raising who? What’s the whole plan?

Kevin Anthony 38:06
Yeah, and you know, this is this could be a topic for a whole nother show. But one of the things that I noticed is that most people have children, for their sort of what I would call selfish reasons. In other words, they think about all the benefits for themselves, they never think about the impact that it’ll actually have on the kids. And in a scenario like this, you really have to think about, what would it be like, for a 15-year-old kid, to have a 65-year-old dad,

Céline Remy 38:32
that’s not too bad, I’d be worse if let’s say you are 60 or 65. So that would bring you at 70 or 80. When you’re when the kid is 15.

Kevin Anthony 38:41
Does even the scenario just give how many 65-year-olds are going to take the kid skiing?

Céline Remy 38:47
Yeah, no, that’s true. I get it. That’s about the age, my parents are getting close to, in a year or two.  I’m 36, not 15! And I already see the difference. Or I can imagine when I had so much energy, and I was like,

Kevin Anthony 38:58
so you got to think about those things.

Céline Remy 39:01
You got to think about life insurance, right? You got to end and you know, because these are all part of your details and stuff and setting yourself up for success. And really, you know, age gap relationship is not that different from our regular like same age relationships, right? But remember too that’s your mental age is more important than your chronological age. So you want to stay young in your mind.

Kevin Anthony 39:26
Yeah. Actually, when we were prepping for this episode, I kind of looked at Celine, and there was something I wanted to express. But I wanted to be really careful the way I said it because I didn’t want it to take it the wrong way. But I said yes. Okay, so we have an age difference. And I said, but when I look at us, when I look at pictures of the two of us, I don’t see or feel that age difference. I didn’t want her to be like, you mean I look old? And I look nine years.

Kevin Anthony 39:52
No, it wasn’t about that at all. It was that’s the energy between us. Right, like, so. Yeah, it’s that energetic quality. So that like we’re both young, vibrant people, regardless of whatever our physical age is. And so when people see us together, they don’t know, they don’t usually see it either. They’re like, wait, what really, you know? And, and that’s just because of who we are as people, not how old we are. Mm-hmm.

Céline Remy 40:17
And then you know, ignore the haters, and show up for each other with a laugh. That’s really all that matters. And then

Kevin Anthony 40:26
haters are always going to hate. nothing you can do about that. Now, if, if you’re on Facebook, you know what we’re talking about.

Céline Remy 40:35
Love, love. You can make miracles with love. Absolutely. Just focus on that and be grateful for the relationship the ability to experience love and create that no matter how long it lasts, just have the love that your heart be open.

Kevin Anthony 40:53
And as the Beatles once said, all you need is love. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the love lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, leave a comment and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 41:14
And if you want more, we have an entire digital library with the best sex tips and Relationship Advice at Celine remy.com. That’s kevinanthonycoaching.com So join us in the sex vault to continue this adventure.

Kevin Anthony 41:31
Thanks for listening.

Céline Remy 41:33
And remember, you’re amazing.