12 Modern Relationship Challenges And How To Fix Them

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.

All right. Welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 324 and it is titled 12 modern relationship challenges and how to fix them. So what I’m going to talk about today is a list of modern relationship challenges. Obviously, that was what was in the title. But they are things that come up that maybe aren’t worthy of an entire show, but they are worthy of talking about. They are things that are important to have discussions on and to have solutions for. And so I have a list of 12 of those things today. We’re going to go through them one at a time. We’re going to talk about what it is, why it’s a problem, and then what we can do to solve that problem. So that is the show for today.

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All right, all right. So what kind of modern relationship challenges are people facing today? What are the things that are really preventing them from having the relationship of their dreams, the best sex of their lives? Well, we’re going to talk about those. Number one is stress. Now, this may not be just a modern challenge. In fact, a lot of these won’t be just modern challenges. There will be challenges that have existed for a long, long time in relationships, but some of them, for instance, stress, I think in our modern world, have increased significantly. So what does this look like? Well, it looks like, you know, both people in the relationship having to work full time, long hours at highly stressful jobs just to be able to survive, just to be able to afford a house and a decent standard of living. It looks like, on top of that, also trying to raise children. It looks like, you know, these days when you’re raising children, you’re probably running them to soccer practice and music recital and dance recital and this, that and the other thing, play dates with friends, whereas when I was a kid, for the most part, like, you know, you came home from school and it was like, go outside and play. Or, if it was raining or snowing, it was like, go in your room and play.

And, you know, I’m not saying that was easy for parents, but I think it was easier because so many people are just their schedules are just jam packed full of things that they have to do all day long, from the moment they get up early until the moment they go to bed late, their schedules are just packed. And one of the problems with that is it doesn’t allow time for partners to really connect, and when they do connect, they are so stressed, stressed out, that they don’t really have the capacity to connect with their partner in the way that they really want to or that they really need to. And so the stress of the world today, how busy the world is for most people, has really taken a toll on relationships. People just don’t get to spend the quality time together that they used to, and when they do get to spend time together, they’re so stressed out, that they can’t really show up for their partner in the way that they want to. Okay, well, what do we do about that? I mean, what can we do about that?

Well, unfortunately, there are certain things that we have to do in this world, like, if both of you have to work in order to earn a living, you know, I can’t give you advice and say, well, one of you should just stop working. Like, I get that’s a completely unrealistic thing to say, but we can try to find ways to minimize the stress. So that means, you know, taking days off when you can, that can be making sure that you carve time out. You know, we talk all the time. You know, Celine and I and myself as I continue on about scheduling date nights. How really, truly important it is to make sure that you get a date night scheduled. You know, I was working with a couple recently who’ve been, you know, having a lot of challenges around how busy they are and caring for a child who is a special needs child, and their help that they have is saying, hey, why don’t you guys just take a date night? But they’re so dedicated that they feel like they can’t do that. The problem is, that it’s causing a lot of stress in their relationship. And in this case, they’re very fortunate that they have the help who’s willing and saying, Yes, please. Will you two go, you know, take some time alone? I’ll take care of the child, right?

So you have to find ways. You have to specifically work at finding ways to schedule a date night and take vacations. Try to find, even if it’s just 20 minutes somewhere to do a meditation, or, if you’re a woman, take a bath or do some sort of self care ritual. You have to try to find ways to minimize the stress. And I know it’s not easy, you know, and for some people, it’s going to be harder than others, depending on how busy they are in their lives, but you have to find ways to minimize the stress that you’re feeling, make time for exercise, whether it’s in the morning before work or, you know if it’s at lunchtime. I mean, for years when I worked for corporate, one of the things that I used to do was basically my lunch break would be going to the gym. Now, I was fortunate enough that the company I worked for, had a gym on site so I could do that. I could run down, you know, real quick, get a 40 minute, you know, exercise routine in, get cleaned up again, and get back to my desk, and then I would sit there and eat my lunch at my desk. Was it optimal? No, but did it allow me to keep exercising, which was super, super important, especially when sitting down at a desk all day as an engineer. Yeah, it was super important.

So basically, just find whatever ways you can to minimize your stress. When your stress levels are lower, you will be able to show up for your partner in the ways that you really want to and your partner will be able to show up for you in the ways that you want your partner to show up for you. So yeah, I think stress is really increasing in the world. I think it’s a bigger problem in relationships than it’s ever been. And I think the way to combat that is to really, really, really, really, really focus on creating even if they’re just little, small things, little ways to decrease that stress. Okay, that brings me to number two, which is very related to number one, and that is economic pressure. Now, again, economic pressure has always existed. Unless you grew up in a wealthy family, you most likely experienced economic pressure, maybe not directly. Maybe you as a child didn’t feel that, but your parents certainly did, and so that was affecting their relationship, which, of course, you were watching right and learning from them.

And so it was affecting you, for sure, but I think today it’s even worse. You know, if we really look at the economic trends going on, especially in this country, but I know globally as well, people are struggling more than they have in decades. And I think I saw something recently, and I don’t have the exact stat. I didn’t think to put it in here when I was prepping for the show, but it was something along the lines of this, the modern generation is the first generation that will be less well off than their parents, meaning there will be because for so many years, at least in this country, in the United States, each generation would be a little bit more prosperous than the one before they would build on the work that their parents and grandparents did. Maybe, you know, your grandparents started a small business, were never really wealthy, but earned enough to send you to school, so you went to school and got an education and got an even better job, and made more money, right?

And like, that’s how the generations would build upon each other, and now we’re at a point where we’re actually going backward, where the newer generations really are less economically well to do than the previous generations. And that’s really sad, but it’s also putting a tremendous amount of pressure on relationships. So as I mentioned in stress, one of the big things is both parents, or both people, even if you don’t have children in a relationship, have to work. And you know, that’s been the case for a while, but even when I was growing up, you know, my father supported the family primarily, especially in the younger years, when we were younger kids, my mother did go back to work. Later on, she worked part-time for a while, and then she did go back to work full-time, but, you know, it allowed her to not work for the formative years. When we were younger, she really got to spend time with us, which was great. And then it allowed her to work part-time for a while as well. So even though she had to work, it was different than today.

Like in most cases, most people have to work full-time. And in some cases, depending on where you are in the country, and you know what your socioeconomic status is, you might have more than one job. So these things create a tremendous amount of pressure. I mean, even for myself, I was just having this discussion recently, you know, it’s like, you don’t, you don’t get rich, you know, teaching people about relationships and sex. I wish you did. But I was, you know, commenting to somebody recently. It’s like, you know, you’re on the hamster wheel, and if you’re if the wheel isn’t constantly moving and working hard to earn income, you fall off the wheel. You know, it’s just not sustainable if you’re not constantly working. And so that can really take a toll on people’s relationships. Of course, we know that one of the number one reasons why people divorce is over money. So imagine how much better your relationships which could be if you didn’t have that economic pressure, if you didn’t have pressure over earning money, or how much money there was in the relationship, or who was spending what things would be definitely better in your relationship.

This is a tricky one, though, because in this episode, I really want to talk about solutions, and then the question becomes, what do you do about that? Well, the first thing I would say is you have to take a real honest look at your lifestyle and determine whether or not you’re living above your means. I know we all want, you know, the big house and the really nice cars and the whatever stuff, but if you are working so hard to maintain all of that that it’s taking a toll on the areas of your life that are, in my opinion, truly the most important, your relationship, your family, your children, maintaining friendships with people outside of your family unit, your health. So if you’re if you’re working so hard to sustain that lifestyle, that all of those other things are falling by the wayside and being affected negatively, you have to really ask yourself, Is that worth it? So that’s one thing that you can do. A lot of people really live above their means, especially in this country, because you got to keep up with the Joneses and you got to have the new car and the latest iPhone and the latest this, that and the other thing, right? Well, do you really need that stuff?

So that is a question that I would really, honestly ask if I were really struggling, you know, with working a ton and money was a real issue, I’d really be looking at, you know, do we really need all this stuff? Would the quality of our life be better if we downsized a little bit and had some less stress? So that, you know, that is the first question you should ask. I guess the other question really is like, how many of those things, like, where all the places where you’re kind of wasting money that doesn’t need to be spent, like, you know, going to your local high end coffee roaster every morning and spending $10 on whatever. And you know how that adds up over time. There are definitely ways, you know, having, you know, 10 different streaming services because you like to watch a lot of movies or TV, right? And all that adds up. And so there might be potential ways that you could cut back on things that aren’t really necessary as well. You have to figure out, of course, what’s right for you, but the idea is to do what you can to minimize the economic stress as much as you can. You. Yeah, all right. Number three, completely different topic than the stress in the world and the economic pressure.

But this is one that I think is really only an issue nowadays. So you know, if we’re calling this 12 modern relationship challenges, this is definitely a modern one. This is one that we haven’t really seen in the past. Number three is gender neutrality. That’s the way I’m calling it, which is this push throughout society to level everything out. There’s no difference between men and women. Everything is equal. We split everything. 5050 we earn money, 5050 we do house chores, 5050 we take care of the kids, 5050 everything should be equal, right? That is absolutely wreaking havoc on relationships. Obviously, I talk a lot on this show and have for many years about polarity in relationships, Selena and I were talking about polarity years before it got super popular before there were people out there who were literally polarity coaches, like their whole thing is just about polarity. We were talking about it because it is important.

And so this push to try to sort of take away the things that make us different, that I think we should actually celebrate and make everything neutral across the board, has had a real detrimental impact on relationships. It has destroyed the polarity. It has destroyed that natural magnetic attraction that brings men and women together, that makes them yearn for each other, want to be with each other, and want to step up into their respective roles. And yeah, I think it’s really, really been a problem. I actually spend a lot of my time coaching these days, trying to get couples back into some form of polarity, and even when I work with, you know, single people, whether it’s a single woman or a single man, a significant portion of the work that I do does revolve around helping them see where they’re at, and helping them either embody their femininity if they’re a woman, or helping them embody their masculinity if they’re a man, and helping them understand why it’s important to Do so and it is important to do so, okay, well, if this is such a problem in the relationship, how do we fix it?

Well, I think the first step towards fixing this is to realize and accept that men and women are different, period, and that it’s just a fact we are different. Once you accept that, I hope that you can embrace the fact that the differences are wonderful. The differences complement each other. The differences are an asset in a relationship, right? Not something that is hindering the relationship. So hopefully, first you can accept that we’re different and then embrace the fact that those differences actually are good. You know, I find it interesting that in our society, we’re constantly bombarded with this idea that diversity is our strength, right? You hear this all day long. You hear it from politicians and nonprofit groups, and you know lots of other places that it’s diversity that makes us stronger, and if you’re against diversity, somehow you know you’re an evil, horrible, bigoted person or whatever.

But then when it comes to gender, all of a sudden that diversity is a bad thing. Men and women can’t be different. There are no differences. It’s an absolutely contradictory message. I agree that diversity is a strength, that everybody brings different talents and skills to the greater whole, and I think that’s wonderful, and I think the same is true in relationships. I think the skills that a man brings into a relationship are needed and valuable, and I think the skills that a woman brings into the relationship are needed and valuable and that they complement each other and that they’re not exactly the same. Sure, there’s overlap in there, but we each bring something that the other one doesn’t really or we bring something in a way that’s better than the way the other one can do it or bring it. So, yeah, I think when it comes to how do we fix this scenario? We. We need to accept the fact that there are differences. We need to embrace and see that they are strengths, and then we also need to cultivate ourselves.

So if I’m a man, I really want to cultivate showing up as what I call the integrated masculine. This is the masculine that keeps some of the traits from the old masculinity that people are calling toxic, the good traits from that, the defender, the provider, right, the strong masculine man who stands up and protects and provides, while also including with that, some of the newer things that we would like men to have, which is the ability to access their emotions, their ability to communicate clearly, you know, what they’re feeling, what they’re needing, what they’re wanting, the ability to listen and understand and show empathy, right? And bring both of those together. So as a man, we want to cultivate being that integrated masculine, that masculine who really shows up with the best of all masculine traits. And if you’re a woman, you want to really work on cultivating your femininity and showing up as the best version of yourself. So that means not trying to compete with men all the time, not trying to prove that you can do everything a man can do right? Not being in your masculine energy, but dropping into the absolute power of the receptive feminine. And it is powerful.

Do not ever mistake femininity or being in the receiving feminine mode as being weak. It is not. It is extremely powerful. It’s just a different way of being, and in a society, in a culture that values, you know, women being more in their masculine, this has been a real struggle for a lot of women, and I spend a lot of time helping women see where they’re in their masculine and how they can get back to their feminine. This is a lot of the work that I’ve been doing. With the magnetize your man group. So you may have seen some of the videos that I have done on their YouTube channel, and I’ve been doing a lot of coaching work with their groups as well, and it’s really been amazing. I’ve really been loving it. But that’s a lot of what we helping women do is, you know, realize how some of their default behaviors are very masculine and end up competing and causing problems in their relationships, and how they can embrace their femininity and use that as the power that it really is to get the outcomes that they’re looking for, which is, you know, whether it’s to find the right man who’s really going to show up for them, or to nurture a relationship with their man and have harmonious relations, to have relationships that are polarized.

So, yeah, I think this whole gender neutrality thing has been really, really detrimental, and working at repolarizing Your relationships from a healthy way, a healthy perspective, will really do a lot of good in helping helping your relationship, but also helping you in the quality of your life, all right, and number four is very similar to that, in a sense that so what I wrote is number four is decline in chivalry. And one of the things that I noticed that is sort of putting stress on relationships and making, you know, the modern relationship a little bit more challenging, is, along with this whole idea of gender neutrality, where it’s like, everything’s supposed to be equal, and, you know, women are like, I’m an empowered woman. I can do everything a man can do, and I don’t need you, and I don’t need this, and I can take care of myself, and I can earn my own money, and all that. Not saying those things aren’t true. You can take care of yourself. You can earn your own money. You can do a lot of things a man, a man can do. But what’s interesting is, is I often see these same women who say those things deep down inside, are yearning for a man to step up and do a lot of those things because even though a woman can do them, she doesn’t really want to do them. The thing is, is she wants the choice, right?

She doesn’t want to be told she’s not allowed to do them, but she wants a man to step up and do a lot of those things. And because men aren’t stepping up and doing a lot of those things, this, this under the surface, resentment has been building up, and so I see that as a challenge. Fortunately, this is such an easy one to solve, man, all you have to do is just step up and do some of those things that we used to call old-school chivalry. You know, carry the bag for her. You know. This is something I’ve always done, like, you know, my wife and I used to go hiking all the time. You know, my current partner and I will still do things like going hiking. And it’s like, I just, I have a backpack. I bring everything we need, and I stuff it in my backpack, and I carry it. Can she carry her own backpack? Yeah, if we’re going backpacking and we need to carry more stuff than I can reasonably carry myself. Then, yeah, I’ll have her carry some stuff. But in general, it’s like, you know, we’re gonna go for a 10-mile hike on a weekend around a reservoir or something like that. I’ll just take the pack. I’ll carry it. It’s easy for me, right? I’m bigger physically. It’s not a problem, right?

Things like opening the car door, carrying the groceries, like that’s the sort of thing. She doesn’t maybe need you to do those things, but deep down inside, she wants you to do those things, and so this resentment is building up under the surface when you’re not stepping up and doing those things. Now I know that some men these days are actually kind of afraid to step up and do these things because they feel like somehow the woman is going to get mad at them. Because I can do this. Stop treating me like, you know, I can’t do it. If that’s the place you’re in, then I simply suggest ask her, would you like it if I did these things for you? Would that make your life better? Would it make it easier? Would you appreciate it and let her know, hey, I know that you’re perfectly capable of doing it yourself, but would you like me to do it for you? And that’s one of the things that Celine used to say all the time, you know, she would just come right out and say it. She’d be like, I know I can do it myself, but I like it when you do it for me. I prefer it when you do it for me, right? Okay, number five, a lack of emotional intelligence. Who? What’s interesting about this one is, again, this is 12 modern relationship challenges. I actually think that the lack of emotional intelligence has been around pretty much forever.

But I think the difference today is there’s no excuse for it anymore, and some of you may say there was never any excuse. For, well, that’s possibly true, but you know, in previous generations there, there wasn’t access to a lot of information. You know, these fields of study, where we’re teaching these communication techniques, where we’re teaching, you know, literally, what we would call emotional intelligence. They just weren’t really very developed. Even the fields of psychology, just a generation or two ago, weren’t that developed. It was unheard of for somebody to seek therapy unless there was, like a real, major problem. And so people just didn’t have access to the tools. And so while maybe in the past, their emotional intelligence was rather low, not only did they not have the tools, they didn’t even have the awareness that maybe they should do something about it, whereas I think today, we have access to so much. I have interviewed many coaches, psychologists, psychiatrists, and authors who hold a ton of this knowledge and information. It’s, it’s out there. I mean, there’s, I get books sent to me all the time, and most of them are really wonderful.

There’s just so much out there that can help you increase your emotional intelligence, that in the modern world, there just isn’t an excuse for you to have a low, what we call EQ. So I see this as being a real challenge in modern relationships because it is making all of the other challenges harder. So if you’re dealing with a lot of stress, if you’re under a lot of economic pressure, if you’ve lost polarity in the relationship, now you also don’t have the emotional skills, the emotional intelligence skills, to navigate those challenges, and that’s a real problem. So what can you do then, if you’re realizing that your emotional intelligence isn’t quite where it needs to be. Now, you know, don’t take this personally either, right? Because they call it emotional intelligence. So if you were to say to somebody, Hey, you have a really low EQ, or you have a low EQ, even if you don’t say really low, people are going to take offense to that and say, Oh, you’re telling me I’m not intelligent enough. That’s an. What we’re saying here. I don’t want you to take this from the point of view that, you know, if you took an intelligence test, an IQ test, you know, you only had an IQ of like, 95 or something like and you’re really not very intelligent, and there’s just nothing you can do about it, because that’s what you were born with, that that’s not at all what I’m saying here. So don’t confuse it just because they call it emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence can absolutely be learned. There’s no reason why anybody can’t learn it. The thing is, you have to make it a point to learn it. So first, you have to realize that you know the way you handle certain situations in a relationship, maybe is not the best. You have to recognize that you know. Maybe you’re not as in touch with your actual emotions as you could be or as you probably should be. Maybe you’re not aware of how you emotionally react to certain situations. So awareness, that’s the first part. And then after that, it’s just get, get the help work with a coach. Read the numerous, numerous books on how to improve your emotional intelligence. Practice with your partner, right? You know, ask, seek help from anybody you know, friends, coaches, therapists, anywhere where you can identify that somebody has a high level of knowledge. In other words, Selena and I actually did a whole episode of this show once where we said, you know why you should stop asking your friends for relationship advice because most of your friends are giving you absolutely terrible relationship advice, and that’s true.

However, if you happen to know a couple in your life, and you’ve and you’ve observed them over time, and the way they relate, and you’re really in awe of it, you’re like, it’s amazing the way they relate together. Well, if they’re showing a really positive example, and you look at them and you go, I wish my relationship looked like their relationship. Then ask them, what do they do? How do they navigate it right? Because you know they’re experiencing the same challenges, or at least similar challenges, to what you are. Ask them, What are they doing? What did they learn that they’re employing in their relationship that’s helping so super important that you up your game and increase your emotional intelligence? All right, number six, lack of adequate communication skills. Now, I know I said at the beginning of this show that some of these topics were things that maybe weren’t worthy of an entire show, EQ, absolutely worthy of an entire show, and lack of adequate communication skills. Number six here is absolutely worthy of an entire show. However, I have done entire shows on these already, so I don’t need to go into them again. In fact, I just did an episode on how to have effective sex communication. Celine and I have done multiple episodes on just communication skills in general. I also have another expert in communication coming on the show very, very soon to talk about, you know, really, how to master communication in relationships. So I’ve covered it a lot, and I’ve got more knowledge coming on how to do that, but I still wanted to put it on here, because it’s just too important to not mention.

And I just witnessed this every single day in the work that I do, in coaching people, this idea of the lack of really good communication skills and how it negatively impacts the relationship, you would think that by 2024 society in general would have learned at least a better level of communication than maybe our parents had or our grandparents had. But honestly, I’m not really seeing that. I haven’t seen major advances in people’s communication. And I think that you know, the other things we’ve talked about, the stresses in the world, the economic pressures, the gender neutrality, the lack of emotional intelligence, I think all of those things have made communication even more challenging because you’re stressed out, and when you’re stressed, you’re not showing up in your A game. Your patience to handle emotionally difficult conversations is less and when that happens, you just don’t show up as your best self. Same thing with the economic pressure, you know, with the gender neutrality, you don’t have the polarity. And so the communication is just, it’s just combative, right?

And it’s, it’s not helping lack of emotional intelligence. You’re not identifying your emotions. You don’t know how to handle them or deal with them. And so that makes, you know, communicating about those emotions hard because you’re like, I don’t even know what. The emotion is I don’t even know why I feel the way I feel. I don’t even know what to do about it, right? So all of those other things that we’ve talked about have really made communicating in the relationship in an effective way, I think, more challenging. It’s one of the things, you know, it’s like an absolute foundational piece, especially when I work with couples, we have to start right at the beginning, and we have to fix some of those communication things because before we go any further, you’re going to have to have some really important conversations with your partner, and if you don’t have the skills to navigate those properly, not only are they not going to go well, but they might actually do more harm than good. So super important that you master communication skills. Okay?

So if you are lacking them, then how do you fix that? Because we always want to provide solutions to the issues, and that’s part of the title in here too, and how to fix them if you recognize that you are having challenges communicating with your partner. Again. There are so many books out there on communication, of course, one I’ve recommended many, many, many times on this show is non-violent communication. That is definitely one that you should look up. It’s a great foundational piece. There are lots of other books that will teach you effective communication strategies as well. Work with a coach, you know, even just sitting down and saying to your partner, look, I know I don’t always communicate things in the best way, but I’m trying. And, you know, I’m willing for I’m willing to be open, if you can, you know, gently remind me when I’m not doing something, I’m not communicating something the way, or I would really appreciate it if you don’t understand something I’m communicating, if you ask some Calm, compassionate, clarifying questions, you know, to help me formulate the thought better, or communicate it better.

You know, get an agreement with your partner to utilize different strategies. I’ve talked about a lot of them on this show, things like, you know, trying as best you can to clearly state the point you want to get across, and then asking for the person to repeat it back. Things like chunking things down and giving your partner only small amounts of information, letting them digest that response before you go on to the next right? There are lots of different communication strategies out there. I think this is an absolute must-have skill. You will also see everything in the rest of your life improve. If you can improve your communication skills, you’ll see your work relationships improve. You’ll see your parenting, you know, with your children, improve, if you can really work on those communication skills. So okay, that’s the first six right there. I need to take a short break for another ad, and then we’ll come back and we will finish the other six, hopefully maybe a little bit faster than the first six, because I want to get them all in and keep the show to about an hour.

Okay. Are you a couple? Are your relationship and sex life where you want them to be? Are there changes you would like to make, but just don’t know how maybe you think there is nothing that can be done if you’re not 100% happy with where your relationship or sex life is, then get help today and change your life. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and schedule a strategy call with me today so we can map out a strategy to get you where you want to be so you can have it all your way. Go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/sex-coaching-couples/ and book your strategy call today. The link is in the description. You don’t have to remember it, just go there and click on it. And everything, literally everything that I’m talking about in this episode today are things that I can absolutely help you with and want to help you with if you’re struggling in any of these areas. I mean, obviously, work on it on your own. Do whatever you can, read the books you know, have the conversations you know, try to change behaviors that aren’t working, do whatever you can on your own, and also don’t hesitate to get help and support that you need. It is worth it. Is absolutely worth it, all right.

Number seven, over-dependence on technology. So the main part on this one is what I see, a modern-day challenge that I see a lot of couples struggling with, is it just spending too much time on technology, so way too much time on their phones, way too much time on social media, way too much time in front of their smart TVs, and this is really decreasing the amount of connection time that couples have. And this is really having disastrous effects. I think it’s really interesting that of several years ago. CEO Celine and I did an episode on this podcast, and it was titled something along the lines of how technology is ruining your relationship or something like that. And it was one of our lowest-rated episodes ever. And it’s a great episode. It was actually ahead of its time because in the years since then, I’ve started to see a lot of experts talking about this and talking about the real impacts that technology is having on relationships.

But I think it didn’t do well, because, at the time, people just didn’t want to hear the message. They didn’t want to change the way they were using technology, and they just didn’t want to hear it, which is kind of a shame, but I think it’s, it’s becoming more in the mainstream now this idea that, Oh if we’re not careful about how we use technology, that it can actually have a detrimental effect on our relationship. So my suggestion here is to really be honest and really look at how you are using this technology and how it might be impacting all those other things that we talked about so far. What do I mean by that? Well, what I mean is we talked about the stress in the world and how busy everybody is and how many things we have to do. And when I coach couples, I’ll hear couples say things like, you know, we don’t have we never have time for sex, or we don’t have time to connect, or this, that, or the other thing. And it’s like, okay, well, how much time are you actually spending on your social media?

How much time do you spend Doom scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, tik, Tok, you know, whatever it is, how much time do you spend watching things on TV, even if it’s the news, because I have to stay informed. Well, trust me, you’re not informed if you’re watching the news, you’re misinformed if you’re watching the news. So the point being is that there are likely a lot of ways and places where you could cut down on the technology use, which would then free up space for you to actually spend some time on your relationship, or spend some time on yourself so that you can actually de-stress, so that when you do come back to your relationship, you are actually showing up as The best version of yourself. So over dependence on technology, I see as being a real problem in modern relationships, and the way to fix that is to honestly look at your consumption and use of technology and see if maybe you really are overdoing it, and if you could cut some of that out and make space for yourself and for your relationship number eight, oh, the grass is always green around the other side, slash dating sites.

So again, this is 12 modern relationship challenges, and I had to put this one on the list because, because we have this technology, because we have access to seemingly unlimited numbers of dating sites these days, there is this tendency when things maybe get tough, and when you’re dating somebody, you run into, you know, a sticky point in the relationship, To just want to bail and go screw it out of here, and I’m just gonna reactivate my account on whatever dating site it is and just find somebody else. I think, in the past, this was very different because people didn’t have as many opportunities to meet people. They didn’t have the technology to help them with that. And so I think they were more willing to stick around and try to make things work than they are nowadays. And so I see this as being a real problem. People aren’t really taking the time to invest and when things get difficult, as they will, right? They want to cut and run. I think also the fact that they have all of these opportunities potentially seemingly available to them, I think that they don’t invest as deeply in relationships as they could or as they should.

There seems to be a lot of sort of surface-level dating without really taking the time to go deep. And you know, the depth is where the gold is in any relationship, you know? So if you’re preventing yourself from going deep, you’re missing the really good parts of the relationship, and so therefore this relationship is not all that great. Anyway, I’m gonna go back to the dating sites and see what I can find. I really see that as being a problem. So how do we fix that? Well, first of all, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and people find this out eventually after they’ve been through a string of failed relationships, right? And it’s like, well, this one didn’t work out. So I tried this one didn’t work out, and then I went to this one. Like, at a certain point, you have to just go.

Maybe the common denominator here is me and my lack of relationship skills, right? So first step is realizing that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The second step is not relying so much on the fact that there are all these opportunities. There’s this huge pond deficient now because I’ve got these technologies, and if you find somebody that really has potential, that you think could be that person for you, that you really take the time to invest in that relationship, take the time to go deep, really learn who this person is. You just have to invest. And I know it’s hard, especially as you get older, and you start looking at the clock and it’s like, you want to have kids, and you’re like, my biological clock is ticking, or, you know, you’re just getting older in general, and you’re like, I don’t want to waste another three years, you know, diving deep into a relationship only to have it crash and burn like all the rest. And it’s like, I get it. I do understand that.

And at the same time, you’re never really going to know if a relationship is that relationship until you invest the time it takes to go deep. Now how long does that take? Well, that depends on how open and willing you both are to go deep and how quickly you’re willing to do that. I find that in today’s modern world, people have been hurt so many times that they are really hesitant to you know, go deep, and to really dive in. And so it takes them longer to get to those levels of depth, because, well, I don’t want to bear my heart, because I’ll just get hurt again. And I understand that, and at the same time that’s, that’s how you have to do it. You really just have to open up, and you have to really be authentic and be yourself and be willing to go deep before you can really figure out if this person is the right person. So, yeah, that’s, that’s really, I think the best way to approach this idea of the grass is always greener on the other side, and relying too heavily on the dating sites.

Okay, number nine, porn. We’ve talked about this a lot. This is obviously another modern phenomenon. People have always had access to porn, but never the amount of porn and the ease of access to porn that we have now. This is creating a whole host of problems. This is creating everything from a lack of libido, it’s creating problems like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. So all of these things are having negative impacts on people’s relationships. They’re definitely having a negative impact in many ways, on people’s sexual component of their relationship. And so what do we do about that? Well, the first is to recognize that there could potentially be a problem here. I’m not against porn. The Celine was never against porn, either. We were always for the healthy use of it. So you know, it would be perfectly acceptable once in a while for maybe the two of you, to, you know, watch something together in order to, you know, get the libido fired up right and then, and then turn it off, and then go and be with each other. From there, it’s potentially a way to experience some of your fantasies that maybe you don’t want to actually live out in real life.

So, you know, it has, it has some potential, you know, healthy uses, but it also tends to get used and abused. And so the awareness around how you’re using it, and the willingness to change your habits, and if you honestly can’t use it in a healthy way, then you just need to stop it. You really need to. If you can’t figure out is this, you know, it’s really not that different than alcohol, cigarettes, whatever it’s like if you can’t figure out a healthy way, not, not that there’s a healthy way to use cigarettes. But I mentioned both of those because of the fact that they are highly addictive, as porn use can be. Also, if you can’t figure out a way how to just have a drink occasionally in a healthy way, then you know it’s usually better off if you find a way to just quit altogether. And so that can potentially be what you need to do here as well. So the idea really here with porn is, if you’re going to use it at all, it should be in addition, it should be something that helps support your relationship. And if it’s not, then you need to change the way you. Use it or potentially stop using it altogether. Number 10, demonizing the traditional family.

Yeah, I think this has been a modern problem as well. In past generations, the societal pressure was always towards having a family. You were kind of weird if you didn’t have a family. If you weren’t married, people kind of looked down on you if you didn’t have kids, people kind of looked down on you all the societal pressure was, hey, you should be in a stable family unit. I’m not saying that pressure or looking down on people for making different choices is a good thing. It’s not. Everybody should be free to make the choice that they want to make. And you know, a family or relationship may not be right for everybody. However, we have now swung in the opposite direction, and we’ve got a ton of societal pressure to not be in those traditions. Oh, that’s old school, oh, that’s patriarchal, oh, that’s bad. That’s limiting you, and you’re not free to live your life the way you want to live it if you’re stuck in that horrible, traditional, nuclear family unit, the problem is, is because of that, everybody thinks the grass is always green around the other side, like we were just talking about a moment ago, and they’re not committing and going deep in relationships.

There aren’t stable family structures to contain the relationship or to contain a family, and so I really see it as at a point now where it’s creating a real problem for relationships and for the way people relate. So what do we do about that? Well, we have to just stop listening to, you know, the societal pressure, or what the government is telling you, or what some think tank that’s been paid, you know, a billion dollars to come up with some report about how horrible this old system is. Right? We need to stop listening to that, and we need to do what feels right for ourselves for a lot of people being in the container of a more traditional family unit provides the structure that they need to really have a loving and fulfilling relationship. So I would say, don’t listen to you know what everybody’s telling you. You should do what feels right to you. Does it feel right to you to be in a relationship with one person, to commit to them and really go deep and have their unconditional love and support to help you and guide you through this insanity we call the human experience? If that feels right to you, then do it.

And I would say that you know more times than not that actually will work out to your benefit, in fact, overwhelmingly So even for people you know, like myself, who may not have believed that when I was younger. So yeah, there’s definitely a lot of pressure demonizing that sort of traditional family structure. And I think because a lot of people have abandoned that family structure, it has caused a lot of stress and strain on relationships. And I think that one of the ways to fix that is to tune out all the noise, really get honest with yourself, and realize that, you know, there may actually be value in this. And I would say, at least try it. At least try going deep in a relationship and seeing if the quality of your life improves. And if you do a good job of picking the right person to do this with, I can almost guarantee that the quality of your life will improve. Number 11, the intentional destruction of the family unit.

Obviously, this is related to the demonizing of the traditional family but there’s also been a lot of pressure in the last decade, at least, if not maybe a little longer, to really try to destroy that family unit, really break it apart. And I think that has had an absolutely disastrous effect on relationships, on families, on children and on society as a whole. And there’s actually quite a bit of research out there to show this, having those stable family units or family structures also created a more stable society. And so when you realize that there has been an intentional destruction of that family unit, the reason for that is because they’re intentionally trying to destabilize the society, but they make it seem really attractive, and a lot of people have bought into it, and I think that is contributing to a lot of the dysfunction that we see in relationships and so very similar to number 10, what do you do about it? Realize that there is an intentional destruction occurring. Realize that there is an agenda behind it. In that, right?

And then don’t fall prey to the propaganda around it. And, you know, ask yourself the question is, this, is this really as bad as they say? Could this potentially be the right thing for me, right? And then, you know, try it out, you know, see if it works for you see if the quality of your life gets better, all right? And the very last one here, that is focus on career over relationships. So this is something that we definitely see as a modern phenomenon, and people have always focused on careers, but they always, always, always in the past, generations put family pretty darn high up there on the list. And I think nowadays, a lot of younger people are really focusing on their careers over their relationships. And when they do that, they either end up not having relationships. And so you see a lot of young people not dating at all in those early years, right?

The problem with that is, when they’re younger, and they’re, you know, in their teens, 20s, even early 30s, and they’re not dating, they’re not learning those valuable skills on how to select a mate. How do you have a healthy, sustainable relationship? And then one day, they wake up and they’re 40 years old, and they realize they’ve never really dated. They don’t know where to start. They’re intimidated by going out on dates with people. They don’t know how to have a healthy relationship. So it’s really causing a lot of problems. We are finally, finally starting to see a little bit of a shift here, because we’re starting to see a lot of these. You know, millennials right now are mostly the ones that are starting to wake up to this. And you see them all over Tiktok, you know, single women in their 30s, career women sitting in their cars crying on social media about how they, you know, have wasted all this time, and now they’re single and they can’t find somebody, and it’s this big problem. So, yeah, it’s, it’s kind of interesting. It’s starting to come around full circle. But there’s nothing wrong with focusing on a career. In some cases, that’s really good, because that will provide for your family.

But don’t ever lose sight of what’s truly important in this world. And your relationship with your significant other, with your children, with your family, is always going to be, you know, one of the most important things in life. And so yeah, I really see people putting an over-focus on their career, only to realize much, much further down the road that they’re not happy in life, and that they realize they put all of their energy towards something that didn’t bring them the fulfillment, even if they’ve got tons of money, and then they wish they would have done something different. So, you know, how do we fix that? It’s maintaining a healthy balance. You want to have a great career, great have a great career, but balance it out. Make time for yourself, make time for your significant other, and make time for your family. It’s not always easy, but you have to work on that. And there might be times in life where you say, hey, I need to put a little bit more focus on my career right now until I get through this project or this promotion or the startup or whatever it is, but always make sure that you come back.

Never neglect your relationships, because if you do that long enough they’re not going to be there, and if they are there, they’re going to be really dysfunctional. All right. So there you go. We got through all 12 of them in just about an hour. My goal with this was really to just bring some awareness around these topics, to talk a little bit about them so that you might go, oh, I never thought that maybe that was something that was impacting my relationship in a negative way, huh? Let me think about that a little bit. And then, of course, to offer you a few suggestions and solutions on how you might be able to shift these things, as I mentioned in the mid-roll ad there, which was an ad for my couples coaching program.

If you notice these things are a problem and you just don’t know how to get back on track, then please just seek the help that you need. I love helping couples solve these challenges, move past them and get into a place where they really can have, as I say, my sort of new tagline these days is have the relationship of your dreams and the best sex of your life, because life is just too fucking short not to have those things, right? So yeah, I’m absolutely here. This is what I love to. Do. If you need help with these things, please reach out to me. And in the meantime, even if you’re not seeking help from me, that’s fine, just work on these things. I guarantee you will see the quality of your relationship and your life absolutely improve. All right, everybody. That’s all I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!