How To Be An Authentic Lover She Craves

Kevin Anthony
Welcome to the Love Lab Podcast, a safe and engaging space to get real and learn about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or in a relationship, this show is for you. I’m your host, Kevin Anthony, here to guide you on a journey from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.

Alright, welcome back to the Love Lab Podcast! This is episode 334, titled How to Be the Authentic Lover She Craves. Today’s episode is primarily geared toward men. We’ll explore what women truly desire, what they’re looking for, and the qualities and actions that can make her absolutely crave you.

Interestingly, this morning, as I was preparing for this recording, I was checking my YouTube channel comments. Someone had posted about trying to persuade his wife to have more sex. I told him, “You can’t talk her into anything. You need to create a dynamic where she desires more. You have to make her want it.” This is exactly what we’ll be discussing today.

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If you’re watching on YouTube, you’ll notice I have a guest with me today. It’s exciting to have someone live in the studio, which hasn’t happened in a while. Most of my guests join remotely from around the world. But today, I’m thrilled to welcome someone from my own corner of the world. Joining me is Lyuba Venable, a highly trained sex and relationship coach passionate about helping men discover what women truly crave in intimate connections. Having led numerous women-only pleasure retreats, Lyuba has gained profound insights into women’s needs for deep fulfillment. With this knowledge, she felt a calling to guide men toward becoming the most impactful and authentic lovers they can be. Welcome to the show, Lyuba!

Lyuba Venable
Thank you, Kevin! I love your energy. It’s such a pleasure to meet you in person and be in your studio. How cool is it that we’re neighbors?

Kevin Anthony
Very cool indeed! Thanks for joining me. You know, I get pitched by so many people to be on the show. I carefully consider each one, deciding if they bring something unique. What intrigued me about your background was your focus on women-only pleasure retreats. As a woman yourself, you’ve gained a rare and valuable perspective on what women truly want.

While I’ve worked with many women and have good insight into their desires, I’m not a woman, and I haven’t spent years leading women’s retreats. So, I’m excited to hear your take on what women are really looking for in their partners. This will be incredibly valuable for the men listening, especially those like my YouTube commenter, who wonder how to spark their partner’s desire. Often, men approach this the wrong way, trying to convince or persuade rather than cultivating a relationship dynamic that inspires mutual desire.

Let’s dive in. My first question is: When we talk about being an authentic lover, what does that really mean?

Lyuba Venable
Great question! Let me share how I came up with the name for my program, Authentic Lover. I was trying to find the right name—something that wasn’t a cliché like Best Lover or Sex Guru. One day, during an amazing experience with my partner, I realized the magic wasn’t in any fancy technique—it was his authenticity. He was being real, raw, and present, and that’s what made the experience so incredible. That’s when the name was born.

To me, an authentic lover is someone emotionally available, vulnerable, and empathetic. Women crave emotional intimacy, something many of us didn’t receive growing up. For example, my father was a military man who never expressed vulnerability or said, “I love you.” I grew up thinking emotional intimacy wasn’t something I could get from men. I believed men provided protection and sex, but emotional support came only from girlfriends.
When I discovered men who could open up, listen, and hold emotional space, it felt like a dream come true. Unfortunately, many women still don’t experience this.

Kevin Anthony
That’s powerful. But here’s an interesting nuance: In the past, many men were emotionally closed off, like your father. Nowadays, some men swing too far in the other direction, trying to be overly emotional or feminine. This can sometimes lead to them losing their partner’s respect. I’m curious—how do you define healthy emotional vulnerability without crossing that line?

Lyuba Venable
That’s a great point. There’s a difference between being vulnerable and being overly dependent or constantly seeking reassurance. Healthy vulnerability means being present and empathetic. For example, if your partner shares something difficult, don’t rush to fix the problem or justify yourself. Instead, hold space, empathize, and acknowledge her feelings. Afterward, you can ask if she’s open to hearing your perspective or discussing solutions.

Men sometimes skip empathy entirely and go straight into problem-solving, which misses the opportunity to connect on a deeper level.

Kevin Anthony
I agree. I also caution men against using their partner as their sole emotional outlet. If you need to vent insecurities or fears, that’s what therapists, coaches, or male friends are for. Your partner wants you to be her rock—someone she can trust and rely on.

Lyuba Venable
Exactly. Let me share an analogy to clarify. Imagine I tell you, “Your red shirt makes me so angry!” Even though your shirt is white, instead of correcting me, you’d say, “Wow, you see a red shirt, and it’s really upsetting you. Tell me more.” This approach shows empathy and understanding, which fosters emotional connection.

Kevin Anthony
Well, not only is it not red, but you mentioned something earlier, too—that as men, we instinctively react in two ways when triggered. First, we want to say, “No, you’re wrong. This is why it’s not red,” because we feel the need to stay grounded in reality. Second, we want to fix the reason why you think it’s red instead of white. This is standard male behavior; it’s literally programmed into our DNA. However, we can learn to shift that mindset.
In the context of a shirt, this is straightforward. But when it comes to emotions a woman might be feeling, it’s not as clear. If we take the shirt analogy and apply it to a feeling, like when a woman shares an emotion, we might respond as though it’s a “red shirt” scenario: reacting to what seems like a factual inaccuracy rather than acknowledging the emotion.

For instance, a woman might express how she feels something is happening in the relationship. In the man’s mind, he might think, “That’s absolutely not true, so there’s no point in discussing it.” But instead of dismissing it, he should say, “Okay, I understand that you feel this way,” and open up a discussion to explore why she feels that way.

This happens often when I coach men. Many ask, “Why are women like this? Why do they do these things instead of being more logical?” I have to stop them and say, “You’re wasting time and energy. Accept that this is how women are, and learn how to work with it.” Women are emotional creatures; they experience more fluctuating hormones and are generally more in touch with their feelings. Rather than wishing they weren’t so emotional, men need to embrace this aspect and learn to work with it.

When she comes to you with an emotion, listen. Don’t try to “correct” her feelings but instead ask, “What dynamic in our relationship created this feeling for you?”

Lyuba Venable
Sometimes, naming feelings helps. A woman might be discussing a situation, and you can try saying, “I sense you’re feeling angry or lonely right now.” She might confirm or correct you, but naming emotions can bridge the gap.

Often, we’re stuck in our heads, trying to figure out who’s right or wrong. But when we drop into the realm of emotions, that’s where true connection happens. This is something I emphasize with my clients—helping them name and understand feelings to foster deeper connection.

Kevin Anthony
Exactly. Men often struggle to separate facts from feelings. When a woman shares a feeling, we interpret it as a fact. For example, if she says, “This red shirt irritates me,” I might think, “The shirt isn’t red; it’s white.” That disconnect is where problems arise. I teach men to let go of the “fact” and focus on the feeling instead.

Lyuba Venable
That applies to everyone, not just men. Many people focus on facts rather than feelings. In my work, I guide both men and women to drop into their emotions because nobody teaches us how to do this—not our families, schools, or society.

Kevin Anthony
Absolutely. Society doesn’t teach us how to handle emotions. If anything, media often models unhealthy behavior around emotions. One key point is that even if the “fact” behind a feeling is incorrect, the feeling itself is still valid. That’s a critical distinction I stress with both men and women.

Lyuba Venable
Exactly! Even if the shirt isn’t red, the feeling of upset still exists.

Kevin Anthony
And that’s where many men struggle—they think, “You can’t feel that way because the fact is wrong.” But feelings are valid, regardless of the facts. The goal is to understand how those feelings arose and work together to shift them.

Lyuba Venable
Yes, and that ties back to vulnerability. People often confuse vulnerability with weakness, but it takes courage to be vulnerable. For example, imagine you’re not enjoying something in the bedroom. Instead of staying silent, you later sit down with your partner and say, “I wonder how you feel about this.” That opens a dialogue without criticism and fosters understanding.

Kevin Anthony
Exactly. For men, especially in today’s society, expressing vulnerability requires immense courage. There’s so much programming that equates vulnerability with weakness.

Lyuba Venable
It’s scary for anyone to admit hard truths, but those conversations are necessary.

Kevin Anthony
And that’s a big part of the work I do—helping people have those difficult conversations. When they see it modeled, they realize it’s not as hard as they thought.

Lyuba Venable
The key is to approach these discussions kindly and from a place of feelings.

Kevin Anthony
Exactly. And while some people joke that “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob,” the reality is, communication about intimacy makes all the difference.

Lyuba Venable
It’s about connection—heart-centered intimacy.

Kevin Anthony
Right. So let’s move to the next topic. What qualities do women want in a lover?

Lyuba Venable
It’s not a one-size-fits-all answer, but there are common themes. Many women want to feel accepted, celebrated, deeply seen, and emotionally connected. Physical techniques are important, but what truly makes a difference is opening her heart first. When her heart opens, everything else follows.

Lyuba Venable
Yeah, and there’s this idea, again, that can be a trigger: women lead with their hearts, and men lead with their cocks. How does that sound to you?

Kevin Anthony
Yeah, I mean, that’s pretty much true. Though, let’s add a caveat: if a man hasn’t done the work to recognize and express his emotions, he’ll often lead solely from his cock. But if he’s done that work and can integrate both aspects of himself, he can lead with both his heart and his desire.

Lyuba Venable
Exactly. And it ties back to how society socializes men and women differently. Many women feel objectified sexually—that’s a wound many of us carry. Imagine this: if a man stood on the street holding a sign that said, “I want to have sex,” how long do you think it would take before he got into trouble? He’d probably end up arrested.

Kevin Anthony
Yeah, he’d be waiting a long time.

Lyuba Venable
But if a woman held that same sign, how long before someone approached her for sex?

Kevin Anthony
Probably the first car that drives by or the first guy who walks past, right?

Lyuba Venable
Exactly. And men think that makes us lucky. But it’s not luck—it’s exhausting. Constantly, people want to have sex with you without knowing your name, who you are, or what you’re about. You end up expending so much energy just shielding yourself from that. So, when a man comes along who has strong desire but is willing to wait and go slow, that’s the most attractive thing ever. It’s rare and takes skill and work.

Kevin Anthony
Absolutely. It takes effort to master that level of control over oneself.

Lyuba Venable
Exactly.

Kevin Anthony
It’s like Jordan Peterson’s idea that men should be dangerous but under voluntary control. Society often vilifies masculinity, but true masculinity is about knowing when it’s appropriate to act in certain ways. The same principle applies here. A man should have strong desire but also control it. Women want to feel that desire viscerally, but they also need to feel safe and respected. That balance is what makes intimacy powerful.

If a man lacks that control, he often struggles in other areas, like addiction. Mastering control over your desires and emotions is key. For example, a man might want to rip a woman’s clothes off, but he should have the self-control to show her he’s trustworthy first. That’s mastery.

Lyuba Venable
Yes, mastery is the right word. And that’s what I teach in my programs. There’s a difference between raw sexual energy—focused only on boobs or a pussy—and erotic energy, which spreads through the body and feels so much more profound. We practice this in my programs with men who are brave enough to join and experience it firsthand. It’s transformational.

Kevin Anthony
That’s powerful. A lot of men don’t understand the difference between what they want and what women want. Men might enjoy directness—like going straight to the cock—but women usually want a more gradual buildup. My wife and I often teach about starting with the outer parts of her body, like her arms, legs, or the back of her neck, before moving toward her genitals.

Lyuba Venable
Exactly. And I’d add that men’s cocks often crave non-sexual touch. For example, if we’re watching a movie, I might gently hold my husband’s cock. It’s not about initiating sex—it’s about expressing love. But if he reached for my pussy in the same situation, I’d probably say no. Understanding those differences is so important.

Kevin Anthony
Absolutely. But men need to let go of the expectation that every touch has to lead to sex. If you tell a woman, “Now that you’ve touched me, you have to finish me,” she’ll stop touching you altogether. True mastery is letting her know it’s okay to touch without any pressure for it to go further.

Lyuba Venable
Exactly.

Kevin Anthony
Men, if you want to master your masculinity and your relationships, you need to control your desires and create a space where your partner feels safe, desired, and valued.

Lyuba Venable
Yes, and so many men come to coaching because they want to become amazing lovers. They think it’s about knowing techniques, but no one teaches us the deeper stuff—how to connect emotionally and energetically. That’s what truly creates unforgettable intimacy.

Kevin Anthony
Absolutely. Skills are important, but they fall flat without emotional intimacy, presence, and trust.

Lyuba Venable
Yes, and one of the things women often say they miss is passionate kissing. As teenagers, we could kiss for hours, but somehow that gets lost over time. Bring that back!

Kevin Anthony
Men might not naturally crave hours of kissing, but it’s worth it for what it sparks in her.

Lyuba Venable
Yes, and it’s about the energy behind the kiss. When erotic energy is present, even simple gestures like holding hands can feel deeply intimate. Penetration becomes the cherry on top—it’s great, but not the main event.

Kevin Anthony
Exactly. And that perspective broadens the idea of what intimacy really is.

Lyuba Venable
It’s all about connection, not just physical acts.

Kevin Anthony
Yeah, well, it was a big scandal in the 90s with President Bill Clinton, who had an affair with an intern in the White House. When the news came out, he denied it, famously saying, “I never had sex with that woman.” He stuck to that story and still does to this day. Of course, it later surfaced that there was at least oral sex involved, but he claimed that didn’t count as sex. So, yeah, it’s a classic case of splitting hairs and politicians being politicians.

Lyuba Venable
See, but here’s my point. I can experience penetration without feeling particularly aroused or sexual. I’ve had those experiences. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had moments where it was just happening without much excitement or connection. And on the flip side, I can talk to someone without any physical contact and feel incredibly sexual, erotic, and turned on. That’s what I’m talking about.

Kevin Anthony
You’re absolutely right. The act of penetration itself can fall flat if there isn’t an energetic or emotional connection between the two people. This becomes more apparent as men get older. When I was younger, it was more like, “Sex? Anytime, anywhere—penis in vagina, and I’m happy.” That’s how a lot of younger men feel. But as you age, it changes.

For example, I’m 50 now, and if my partner isn’t into it or I don’t feel that emotional and energetic connection, I’m just not interested. Could I make it work physically? Sure, but it would take effort because I’m not as driven without that deeper connection. I hear this a lot from older men. As men mature, they start needing more than just the physical aspects of sex.

When I was in my 20s, I was just a ball of raging hormones, fueled by peak testosterone levels. I was constantly looking for an outlet for all that energy. But now, with lower testosterone levels, I can think more clearly, and I value the emotional and energetic aspects of intimacy. That’s the “juicy stuff” that makes sex meaningful.

Lyuba Venable
Yes! I’ve noticed that dynamic when dating older men. They make more eye contact, they’re not just focused on sex, and they take time for conversations, walks, and holding hands. That slower pace is what many women crave.

I also want to touch on something: playing with a soft penis. Before dating older men, I’d never experienced that. My younger partners would always be instantly hard. But with older men, there’s less pressure, and playing with a soft penis is such a different, pleasurable experience. You can glide it along the body, and it’s such a unique sensation. Plus, feeling it grow in your mouth is incredible. I didn’t know that soft penises could even orgasm or ejaculate. It’s amazing and opens up a whole new arena for play.

Kevin Anthony
Thank you for sharing that! These insights are important, especially for men who struggle with performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction. Many women have told me that playing with a soft penis is enjoyable and that they don’t always expect or want it to be hard.

Lyuba Venable
Exactly! It’s about letting go of shame and embracing what feels good. For women, there’s less pressure because we don’t have visible indicators like an erection. But men often feel immense pressure to perform, and that can get in their heads.

Kevin Anthony
You’re right. A lot of erectile dysfunction in older men can be traced back to lifestyle—poor diet, lack of exercise, and insufficient sleep all contribute. Testosterone levels drop naturally with age, but if you lead a healthy lifestyle, you’ll experience fewer issues. Mental factors like performance anxiety also play a huge role.

Relaxation is key to achieving an erection. Many don’t realize this and think they need to “force” it. But the opposite is true—when you’re relaxed, everything works better.

Lyuba Venable
That’s such a good point. Relaxation and connection are also what allow women to open up. When we feel connected, we can relax and fully enjoy intimacy. It’s the same for men—relaxation is essential for pleasure and performance.

Kevin Anthony
Exactly. When I work with men, I help them address not just their physical health but also the mental stories and anxieties they carry. It’s all connected.

Lyuba Venable
Yes! And it’s about being authentic with yourself. What do you truly want? What turns you on? When you approach your partner as your authentic, vibrant self, magic happens.

Kevin Anthony
That’s great advice. And I think a key takeaway here is to prioritize emotional intimacy. Men, go to your partner and share something from your heart. Look her in the eyes and say, “You’re an incredible woman, and I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” Genuine moments like that create connection and deepen intimacy.

Lyuba Venable
Yes! That’s just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to dive deeper, I have a program called Authentic Lover, exclusively for men. It’s a mix of video lessons and weekly coaching calls where we practice these concepts. Kevin will share a link with a special discount for listeners.

Kevin Anthony
Thank you so much for being here and sharing your insights. I loved the in-person interaction and look forward to having you back on the show!

Lyuba Venable
I had a blast! Thank you for having me.

Kevin Anthony
Thanks, everyone, for tuning in. Be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and check out more content in the Passion Vault at kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault. See you next week!