How To Get Out Of A Dead Bedroom Situation

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.

All right. Welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 333 How about that for an episode number today, 333, and it is titled, How to get out of a dead bedroom situation. So this is a very, very common thing doing coaching in the sex, love and relationship space. I hear this complaint over and over and over and over again, and it’s probably the number one complaint I have when working with couples, is that the bedroom is just dead for whatever reason. So I know that this is a topic that is important to a lot of people, and I’m really excited to have this conversation today. If you’re watching on YouTube, you can see I have a guest with me who I will introduce in a moment, but we’re really going to talk about what this is, why it happens, what we can do about it. And I think a lot of people will be interested to hear the answers. Some of them, you may be like, Yeah, okay, I get that right. And some of them you may be like, I never thought of that. I had no idea. So we will see.

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Okay, my guest today is Paul Bauer. He is a certified master life coach and NLP practitioner. He specializes in helping men transform their relationships and reignite passion in their marriages, with expertise in attraction psychology and overcoming self limiting beliefs, Paul guides men to rebuild confidence and master relationship dynamics for lasting success. Welcome to the show. Paul.

Paul Bauer 2:46
Kevin, thank you so much for having me. Man. I’m really excited about having this conversation today.

Kevin Anthony 2:51
Me too. So you know, we talk in the pre interview. My my guests always know that I do pre interviews with with you know, potential guests, and I felt there was a lot of resonance in what you do and what I do. And so that, of course, got me really excited to have you on and have this conversation. And one of the things that came up in that conversation was sort of how you got into doing this. Because, you know, I have this conversation all the time. There’s people that just, you know, they’re they’re in school, and like, ah, what should I do with my life right now? Kind of interested in psychology, I think I’ll go do that. And then they go study a bunch, right? And there’s nothing wrong with taking that path.

But then there’s the people who are, like, some ain’t right in my life, something is not going right, something isn’t working, and I desperately need to figure this out. And then they dive in and they try to research it and try different things and learn through life experience how to deal with challenges. And if I recall, your story is kind of more the second one. So I’m wondering if you could start with sharing a little bit about your story.

Paul Bauer 3:51
Yeah, my my Batman origin story, I call it. So I was one of those guys that I was always fairly good with women when I was in high school and stuff. I always had girlfriends. I lost my virginity real early, but I was always the kind of guy who was, you know, Sniper dating. I was running for that white picket fence. I was like, every girl I dated, I was like, I’m gonna marry this girl, this she’s the one. I swear she’s my soul mate. And what ended up happening is, when I turned 18, I joined the military, and my second year in the military, went home on leave, and I met my now ex wife, and it was one of those situations where I fell head over heels in love with her immediately, like, you know, almost like a love at first sight. Thing.

We spent the whole week I was on leave together, and then I went back to San Diego, and we had this long distance relationship for almost a whole year, and I eventually convinced her to come live with me in San Diego, and when she moved out with me, we were basically together in person for a period of about three months before We eloped and. You know, which was a big mistake, because, as you know, working with with couples and people in the relationship, sort of dynamic space, there’s, there’s this whole sort of idea of a honeymoon phase where people are always on their best behavior for the first, you know, six months to a year. And so I barely knew this girl, and I made this huge, life altering decision of being in a relationship with her, and a big reason I did that was because I’m the man. I’m the provider. I brought her out of her sort of support system with her family in Colorado, and now she’s with me, and now I felt like I had a duty to make sure that she was taken care of. So being in the military, they they reward you for that sort of thing. They pay you housing allowance to live out in town. They give you extra money. They you she gets to go on the government insurance, and now she’s insured, and she also gets your life insurance benefits.

And so we did all that, and we ended up being together for 14 years, which I think is pretty good. I would say most people would say that’s a solid run. You know, a lot of people look at longevity as a measurement for success in a relationship, and I can tell you that it’s not because the last half of that relationship was miserable for me the last seven years. You know, they call it The Seven Year Itch, for a reason. It’s almost like clockwork. Seven years, people start getting bored with each other, the attraction starts fading. Well, that was really happening, and we were getting into a lot of arguments. She was nagging, she was nitpicking a lot, and I got to a place where I just didn’t like being around her, you know, I would work 17 hour days just to avoid going home, you know, I because I knew that as soon as I got home, I was going to get an earful, you know, she’s going to nag me, talk about everything I was doing wrong, and, you know, I can never do anything right.

And so it just got to a point where I was just sort of avoiding that whole situation. There was times where I, even though I was home, I didn’t want to sleep with her in the same room, so I’d go get a car out of the garage and go sleep in my office, because I was like, I just don’t want to be around her. She’s such a miserable person, you know, and so, but I was the kind of guy, too, that I would never have quit. I never would have quit that marriage, because a lot of you know, all my parents are still together, my grandparents are still together. And so I thought, This is what life is supposed to be like. You get married, you have a couple of kids, and then you just are supposed to live a miserable life after this. This is what, this is what husbands do. You know, they’re not like look at married with children. You know, they sort of glorify this on TV that husbands are these brow beaten workhorses. And that’s just life. You just deal with that.

And so I would have never quit that marriage, and fortunate enough for me, she filed for divorce in 2014 and so found myself back on the dating circuit after not having had any practice for 15 years. It was a totally different landscape dating apps. Now, we didn’t have dating apps back when I was in high school, and so I had to learn this, and I was just floundering. I was terrible on the dating circuit that back in 2014 and so for about 11 months, I was just spinning my wheels, and I ended up in a relationship with a with a gal that sort of took pity on me. And, you know, I say she’s a little bit of a chubby chaser, because I was 50 pounds overweight. Also, that was also that was also a big problem that contributed to the end of the marriage, I think, and my same MO, this girl’s nice to me, and so I immediately go all in on this girl, like, Oh, I love this girl. I marry this girl, kind of thing. Although at that time I was like, I don’t know if I’m gonna do the marriage thing again, but, you know, at least I, you know, I found love again. This is amazing.

Well, I immediately fall into the habits that I was doing in my marriage. I immediately got comfortable. I was like, I don’t have to try anymore. Now I’m in this relationship, I can I can just rest up my laurels. I hit the finish line. I don’t have to try anymore. The one thing that I did right was that I lost all the weight, I decided to get fit, and I lost all the weight, but I stopped trying. I stopped taking her out on dates, almost like within six months, I would say, we stopped doing all these fun things together. And I was just like, this is the way life’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to be best friends and just hang out and you’re everything’s just going to magically take care of itself. Well, two years into that relationship, she got sick of that much quicker than my wife got sick of it, you know. And so she basically mentally checked out about two years before that relationship was over, and she started lining up her male orbiters.

And like it or not, guys, your wife has male orbiters. She might not be doing anything with them, and hopefully she’s not, but there’s always the guy at the office that, like, chats her up. You know, there’s she has a work husband that, you know, a lot of women call it that, and that’s a bad thing, because when you start messing up, these guys are right there to sort of pick up the slack. And so that’s why. Ended up happening. She started hanging out with a lot of her male co workers. And next thing I know, two years, or, you know, near the end of the relationship. So we were there. We were together about four and a half years, near the end of the relationship, she starts really pushing me away. She starts really like, I don’t want you coming down to my house anymore, you know, unless we have some plans, something to do. I want time to myself. I want to go hang out with the my co workers, those these guys.

And at one point I the last, one of the last times I went down there, she she had hidden away my dog bed, because I have a dog, and I’d bring it back and forth to her house, you know, between my house and her house. And so I would just leave a dog bed there, so my dog had a place to lay down, and that was hidden away in her closet, and then my toothbrush was hidden away in her drawer. And I was like, This is odd. Oh, and oh, by the way, my coworker came over and helped me paint my bedroom. He brought a ladder and a power painter, power sprayer over. Isn’t that nice of him? Yeah, that’s very nice of him, anyway.

So anyway, she started acting so bad and pushing me away so much that I finally just had enough and broke up with her, which I think was her initial plan. It’s kind of like the the suicide by cop method of the way people break up, or they just act so bad till you break up that the other person breaks up with you. So this time was a little bit of a different experience, though, because this time I was back on the dating circuit again, but I was in shape and and so I was able to get dates. Now, all of a sudden, I’m able to get dates. Like, no problem. The problem that I now faced was I couldn’t keep these women around longer than two or three dates.

And I was like, Okay, what am I doing wrong here? I’m literally repelling women. The two biggest relationships in my adult life failed, and now I can’t keep women around longer than three dates. What am I doing wrong? Well, the blessing of that second relationship was that she got me into listening to audiobooks. And so I was like, You know what? I bet you there’s some audiobooks out here that’ll wise me up to women and what they’re doing. And so I took a deep dive into the psychology of attraction, the psychology of women, the psychology of relationships and how they those dynamics work. And, you know, I read books like no more, Mr. Nice Guy, by Dr Robert Glover, which is a phenomenal book. I highly recommend that. And then I found my, what I call my holy trinity of dating books, which were how to be a 3% man, by Corey Wayne, atomic attraction, by Christopher can well, and dating essentials for men, by Dr Robert Glover. And I just listened to those three on repeat, and I start applying this information as a lot of it starts making sense. I knew. I found out immediately why I was repelling these women.

It was because I was being really needy and I was pushing for a relationship. It was, I was the guy who is you go on like, two dates with a girl and you’re like, Okay, so are you seeing anyone else? Well, I’m not seeing anyone else. So I guess we’re exclusive, right? Like, we’re best we like now we’re, all of a sudden, we’re in a relationship we just met. And what guys don’t understand is they sort of assume women want relationships, and I would say women mostly do, but if you’re the guy pushing for that relationship, it really comes across as unattractive, needy behavior. And so I basically was being too needy. And so what I realized is I just have to hang out, have fun, and hook up and let them come to this conclusion on their own, and what I found was that it was way easier to, you know, women wanted to spend time with me because I wasn’t being needy. I wasn’t trying to occupy their time all the time. Well, studying this stuff and practicing this stuff, I ended up in a men’s group called the 3% man group on Facebook. It’s not there anymore. Got somehow got deleted, but it was a group of men who were just swapping notes on this sort of thing. They were all study.

We were all studying a lot of the same material, particularly the how to be a 3% man book. And I ended up being a really active participant in the group, where I would go out on dates and come back and I would post a date update, like, Okay, this worked. This didn’t work. And and this is why I think it worked so well. And this was a her reaction when I did this. You know, did you guys all have this experience? And I started becoming a really active member in the group. And every guy in that group that was doing that, that was actively going out and testing this stuff out, and swapping notes with the guys, and they all killed it. They all were doing really great with women. Imagine that, right? Guys actually doing the effort, putting the work in, doing the reps, were getting good results. And so out of that group, because I was so active in the group, they made me an admin in there. And then I got an idea to create a podcast. So I created my podcast, the come on man podcast out of that group, and it was really, really started just interviewing guys in the group, like, Hey, how’d you end up here? And and then from there, it sort of got bigger.

And I started interviewing authors in the space and other dating coaches and relationship coaches and and just various other people. And it. It blew up from there and that. Then I decided that I wanted to write a book now. So I ended up writing my own book. My first book came out last year. It’s called everything I wish I knew when I was 18, because a lot of the stuff that I learned, especially about women, I didn’t learn that until until much older in life, and I talked about finances in there, and I didn’t learn that until I was over 35 and it’s like, Man, if I could have just learned this sort of thing, they don’t teach this stuff in school. If I could have just learned this, I would have had a much easier life. I certainly probably wouldn’t have ended up in divorce and stuff like that.

So that was my first book, and then I started working with men and coaching men. I worked on my life coach certification. Started working on NLP. I found NLP is phenomenal, because I say a big problem men have is their mindset about things, and if you can rewire that, reprogram that they can, they can have much more success in life if they just change what’s up here. Because 95% of our results in life come from our actions. Those actions come from our thoughts. You know, it’s like the habits in life that we do. It’s all up here. So if you reprogram that, you have different actions, your actions will give you different results. So, so yeah, that’s, that’s how I ended up the space. That’s how I started working with men.

Kevin Anthony 16:20
That is such a great story, and you shared so many pieces in there that are actual, like lessons that I would hope men would get from listening to this, and we’re gonna spend the rest of the show sort of picking apart what you just said and talking about some of those things, because there were a lot of really good pieces in there. I also appreciate the way that you’ve shared them very clearly and succinctly. So I didn’t have to break in and be like, wait a minute, hold on. What did you just say there? Like, what do you mean by that? Like, it was. So it was just such a beautiful story of, you know, as you call it, your origin story, but you know the struggles that you went through and the realizations that you had, and even some of the things that you did to shift it. So that was that was really awesome.

Let’s move on and get a little bit deeper into some of those things that you’re talking about. So you know your your website, of course, is fix dead bedrooms.com. The title of this episode is how to get out of a dead bedroom situation. Some of what you described in your own origin story was being in a dead bedroom situation before we dive too deep into it. Could you please explain to people, what do we really mean when we say dead bedroom like, What? What? How would a guy recognize he’s in a dead bedroom situation?

Paul Bauer 17:42
Well, it shows up in different ways. I mean, the obvious one is, your wife’s not having sex with you anymore, and it’s been months or even years. I know guys I’ve worked with, guys that their wife hadn’t had sex with them in 13 years at all, right? And that’s unfathomable to most people. They’re like, how, how is that even possible? Well, there’s, there’s things that lead into that, and we’ll probably get into that in a little bit. But another way that guys don’t realize that they’re in a dead bedroom situation is their wife is still having sex with them. But it’s very infrequent. It’s like, maybe once a week, maybe once a month, you know, and then when she does it, it’s completely out of obligation. It’s, you know, what we call duty sex, right? Where she’s just like, okay, he’s begged me for it enough, I guess I’ll throw him a bone, and then she lays there like a starfish.

That’s typically what you see in a dead bedroom situation, and a lot of guys end up doing a lot of, a lot of crazy stuff trying to fix that. A big one that guys do is they’ll, you know, they’ll go online, they’ll get advice, and someone will say, Well, are you speaking her love language? That’s my favorite. I don’t know how you feel about the love languages. I am not a fan of the love languages. There’s actually studies that show that the love languages, by themselves, do nothing to re establish attraction in a relationship. Typically when, when it does help the relationship, there’s still a little bit of attraction there, like things are pretty good, you know, but when the attractions completely got a relationship, it does nothing. It ends up being a negotiation for desire, which you can’t negotiate desire.

Kevin Anthony 19:29
You know, when it comes to love language, I mean, I think they’re good, and they serve their place, but I would describe them, since we’re talking to a group of males here, you know, you have, you have a big roller stack, you know, toolbox in your garage. It’s got all kinds of tools in it. The love language is like a screwdriver. Don’t think you’re gonna take a car that isn’t running and fix the entire thing with a screwdriver, right? So it has its place. It’s good. It can add to a relationship. But if you’re already in the I haven’t had sex in 13 years, don’t think simply speaking her love language is suddenly going to make her crave your cock. Like, that’s just not gonna happen.

Paul Bauer 20:07
Yeah, what? And what, what typically happens too, right? Is women will sort of make up these excuses, and they’ll sort of justify it to themselves, and they’ll say, Oh, well, if he, you know, I’m just really tired all the time, and if he helped me out around the house, then maybe I would consider it. And so the guys are like, okay, yeah, her love languages, acts of service. Let me go around and clean the gutters. Well, cleaning the gutters isn’t sexy. You know, it’s really not going to do anything to build that sexual attraction with her, right? And then when guys, if you ask a guy, Hey, what are your love languages? Like the 95% of guys out there will say physical touch and words of affirmation, because those are the two things that guys don’t get. So it’s just like you said, it has its place, right?

If you are doing everything right, it’s almost it’s good to apply all the love languages in your relationship, to your to your wife, and your wife, if if she’s really into you, is going to be applying those things to you too. It’s that it’s sort of a good, healthy thing for your relationship, but it’s not going to fix the problem. So it sort of ends up doing guys a disservice when they when, when people say, Well, what are you got to speak your love language if you’re in a dead bedroom, it’s like, No, she’s not attracted to you. Okay? So you’ve got to fix that part.

Kevin Anthony 21:24
My wife and I, when she was alive, we used to do the show together, and we did an episode. I don’t remember the exact title, but it was something along the lines of why you should stop taking advice from your friends, right? Because it’s basically exactly what you’re just saying is like these guys are lost, right? They don’t know what’s going on. They want to get on the internet. They get into some forum, and then they got some guy who’s just as lost as they are saying, if you could just figure out what her love language is, right? And it’s like, that’s like, that’s I say again, I’m going to go back to the car analogy. It’s like, I want to build a car from scratch. I don’t know how to do it.

And they’re like, well, you know, if you could just weld a frame together and do this that it’s just like, wait a minute, this, this is, you know, it’s one small piece of a huge process, right? So a lot of times, people are getting really bad advice from the people that they go out and seek, and they’re only getting often, even if it’s good, like, you know, I happen to feel love languages are a nice tool, but I agree with you that they’re not going to fix a relationship that’s in that kind of trouble, right? So when they get that advice, they’re getting one small piece of something that’s out of context, yes, and then it’s not going to help.

Paul Bauer 22:34
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly another thing that guys do, too, and I don’t know how you feel about this, but guys will go to women because they’re like women. Understand women. We should get advice about women from women. Women notoriously give horrible dating advice. Dating and relationship advice is notoriously bad, and the reason why is because, bless their hearts, women, for whatever reason, have a hard time articulating, explaining what, what they want in a relationship without talking about the beta comfort type stuff, right? The Love Language type stuff, you know. And so when a guy goes to a woman and gets advice, she’s like, well, you just need to, you need to open up, and you need to communicate more. And that’s just, you know. So, so guys end up going to their wife and basically begging for sex. They’re like, hey, look, I need this, you know. And then it just makes them look weaker and weaker, which kills attraction more and more. So what I say is, don’t go to to women for advice about women, because they can’t tell you what gets them sexually attracted to you. They just have a hard time explaining that in the dead bedroom situation is because she’s no longer sexually attracted to you. So like you got to solve that problem.

Kevin Anthony 23:51
One point you made, which is absolutely true, which is a lot of times women aren’t necessarily aware of what it is that they’re actually attracted to. So if they’re not aware of it themselves, they can’t tell you what it is, but the other piece of it is too, is they tend to think like a woman, because they’re a woman, right? So in other words, yeah, they’re gonna give you more of the softy things, more of the ways you know, like, how do you fix a relationship, right? A woman’s gonna tell you how she would fix a relationship, and that actually works for her from her perspective, but it’s not necessarily gonna work for you as a man from your perspective, right? So, yeah, there, there can be, there can be some tricky things about you know, and I can’t necessarily fault men. The logic is sound there. I’m trying to figure out how to relate to a woman, so let me go ask a woman. It’s not bad logic, but it doesn’t necessarily work either,

Paul Bauer 24:41
Right? It doesn’t work because we’re thinking like men. We’re thinking with logic, and women typically think from emotion, and so it’s all about feelings, and it’s not has no basis in reality half the time. So it’s just, it’s just not a good idea. What’s the rule of thumb is, don’t, don’t ask a. Fish. How to catch fish? You got to ask a fisherman, like, ask a guy who’s good with women, and then you’ll go, Oh, that makes sense. That does make sense.

Kevin Anthony 25:09
So there are, there is a sub section of men who have figured that out. And the first thing they do is they go out and they find the pickup artists, you know, groups and stuff like that. And then that’s how, where they figure this is the holy grail of it, which, again, in itself, is not necessarily bad logic. And you can learn some interesting things, but how my personal feeling, and you can tell me what you think about this is obviously, those men are misusing the techniques, right? They’re using them in a dishonest way that ultimately, I think, is not going to help you get what you want if you’re an honest guy who’s seeking a healthy long term relationship.

Paul Bauer 25:48
No, I agree 100% one of the My biggest takeaways, I read the book The Game by Neil Strauss, which is a good book. It’s a really fascinating book. And Neil Strauss was a reporter, and he went and started for the guys that have never read the book. He he was a reporter, and he wanted to do a story on pickup artists. So he went and worked with some legends in the space, like Ross Jeffries and mystery, and he immersed himself in the space and became one of the world’s best pickup artists doing this. But one of the My biggest takeaways from the book are that, one, the pickup artists were targeting a specific type of woman that would fall for their tricks and tactics. They weren’t doing this. They weren’t running this game on every girl in town. They were looking for specific girls at specific clubs that were dressed a certain way. That was one and then two, a lot of what they were doing was tips and tricks, right?

They were doing, you know, these tactics that were would work very good in the short term, but do not work in the long term. And all these guys were really good at picking up women and having lots of sex with women, but they couldn’t keep any of these women around because their personalities were garbage and they weren’t naturally attractive people. It was all a facade. And so when these women sort of picked up on it, they would leave, and these guys were absolutely miserable, because deep down, they wanted a stronger connection. They didn’t want to just spend the whole time spinning plates. And I would say most guys are like that. Most guys, even if they get into the space and they start spinning plates and they’re having a lot of fun doing that like deep down, most guys want a deeper connection at some point.

And so the pickup tactics are, you know, they won’t keep her around in the in the long term. So you eventually have to figure out what works like, what is the psychology behind why that tactic works? And then, okay, how do I apply this in the long term? And then you can actually start using some of that stuff. But at the end of the day, you have to make it a part of who you are, or else people are going to see through it. They’re going to see through the tech, the tactics. So you have to really level up in all areas and make it a part of your new personality and be their best option?

Kevin Anthony 28:01
Yeah, absolutely. I absolutely agree. So we’re about halfway through the show, I want to pause for a break, and then when we come back on the other side, I want to talk about some of the main causes of the dead bed, and we’ve already hit on them a little bit, especially in your story, you talked about some of the things that you had done that you realized were causing it. But I want to talk a little bit more specifically about what they are. And then I also want to talk about, you know, spend the rest of the show after that talking about, what can men do, right? Let’s give them some real actionable strategies so that they don’t just walk away going, well, now I know how I screwed everything up, but I don’t know what to do about it, right? So that’s what I want to do on the other side of this break.

Okay, men, are you tired of falling short in the bedroom and in your relationship? Do you want your woman to respect you and crave your cock? Do you want to be the man she secretly brags about to all her friends? What if you could become this man? What if you could not only master your masculine sexuality but also be the dream man who shows up for his woman in all the ways she desires? What if you could become so irresistible that she becomes addicted to you? If you are ready to become that man, then go to https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/become-man-of-her-dreams/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/become-man-of-her-dreams/. That is obviously a link to my Men’s coaching program. And at the end of the show, I’m going to give Paul an opportunity to talk about his you know, one of the things I’ve always done on this show, I will bring anybody on that I think has a good message. And I equally encourage people to work with whoever they resonate with, and whoever they think, you know, can help them the most. So yes, I’m reading an ad for my own coaching program while I’m interviewing Paul here. But if you like what Paul says, and you’re like, Man, I really dig this guy, you will learn at the end how to get in touch with him and go work with him as well.

Okay, so as I said before that break, I want to really dive into and there’s a lot of potential reasons for it. Dan. Bedroom. But there’s always, like, you know, sort of a top big three that you know a lot of men are doing that are causing this from their perspective. Obviously there are things that women are doing, you know, that are causing it on their end as well. But since we’re specific, specifically talking to men about what they’re doing and or not doing, let’s talk about what some of the main causes of getting stuck in that dead bedroom situation are,

Paul Bauer 30:24
yeah, well, from the from the red pill space. So I come out of the red pill space, which, if you guys don’t know, it was dubbed the red pill. I don’t know there was a guy that wrote a blog article years ago called Hawaiian libertarian, and he’s the first one to use the term red pill, and it’s a matrix analogy, obviously, but he was the first one on the internet to use it in terms of intersexual dynamics. But basically, since, you know, the turn of the century, guys were getting together in forums and swapping notes. A lot of it started in the pickup forums, where guys were, you know, swapping notes about pickup tactics. But then other guys came in with evolutionary psychology and started trying to analyze, why do some of these things work? Why do some of these pickup tactics work on women? Like, what’s the what’s the evolutionary reason behind some of this stuff?

And so that’s where Red pill came out of it came out of a group of men swapping notes, what works, what didn’t. And then there was another sort of sub group out of that community called the the married red pill. And there’s a, there’s a married Red Pill subreddit that’s really popular. There’s a lot of really great information that came out of that group. And that’s really where the red pill guys came up with some concepts of why dead bedrooms happen and then how to fix them. And so the big over, like you said, there’s lots of reasons for it, right? But I would say when you’re looking at, you know, a wide group of people, it’s sort of helpful to look at the most common reason. And what we’ve sort of discovered is the most common reason is what we call the betatization process, which is a really great book that explains this is called practical female psychology. I can’t remember the authors. There’s like three authors with that phenomenal book, but they basically said it’s a five step process where a good, good way to look at it is like the Beauty and the Beast situation, right?

Beauty is attracted to this wooly, untamed, wild creature. And she can’t get his her way with him, and he’s very set in his ways, and, but she likes that about him. He’s strong, you know, he’s, you know, he’s, he’s the king of his castle kind of thing. And she spends the whole entire movie trying to tame him and civilize him and and, you know, get him to go to tea parties and make him dress nicer and get his hair done nice. And what eventually happens by the end of the movie is she turns him into the prince, like her ideal man, like what she thinks is the ideal man. Well, women typically do this in a relationship, right? They they find a guy. He’s a little rough around the edges, but she kind of likes that about him. He’s kind of edgy. You know, we call these these, you know, Chads or alpha male guys, right? And slowly, over time, she starts testing him. You know, we call these frame checks, or shit tests, or whatever you want to call it, she starts testing him. And a lot of guys don’t even know they’re being tested.

And so as they’re failing these tests, and they typically fail tests by becoming emotional, reacting emotionally, getting mad at her, or, you know, or maybe they just do what she says. For instance, a good shit test, like when you’re out dating, is when you make a plan, you say, okay, meet me at this place at this time, and then a day before the date, she goes, You know, I was thinking, let’s go to this place instead, right? That’s a very common shit test where women don’t even realize they’re doing it. And then if you agree to that, and you go, yeah, let’s go with your idea, women are like, wait a second, I was able to make him change these plans, you know. And now she starts losing respect for you for doing this kind of thing. It’s really weird, it’s very counterintuitive. It’s not fair. But women will do this sort of thing. So as long as guys can recognize that and not fall for those tests, right, and they learn how to pass them, there’s different ways of handling that sort of thing, she actually builds it. Builds her attraction.

She’s like, Oh, I’m not able to get my way with this guy. Oh, he, he doesn’t take my my little tantrums seriously, like he’s actually thinks he this is kind of funny, and he sort of plays it off. And, you know, women actually like that. And so what happens, though, is guys fail that stuff, and then the next part of the process is she gets you to open up, you know, she wants you to be more vulnerable with her, start talking to her, you know, talk about your feelings more, and all this kind of stuff. And in society sort of advocates for this. They’re, yeah, be vulnerable with your girl. Don’t, don’t be afraid to put your heart on your sleeve and all this kind of stuff. Well, in a situation like this, what guys tend to do, instead of a healthy way of doing that, like, let’s say they do have problems, and they are having, you know, troubles at. Work or whatever they want to do to, you know, be vulnerable with their wife. What they’ll do is they’ll end up just like emoting and inventing and complaining without having a solution tied to it. And so women, you know, bless their hearts, they say they want that sort of thing. They even think they want that, but they’re just not emotionally like they’re not evolutionarily wired to care about your problems like that?

Kevin Anthony 35:23
The biggest thing with that, is they lose trust in you when you do that. Yeah, right, because what they’re looking for, so you’re absolutely right with, first of all, with the testing thing, absolutely 100% right on. Women will test you all the time, and when you cave, what happens? They lose trust, because what they really doing when they’re testing, whether it’s conscious or subconscious, is they’re making sure the foundation is solid, right? You know, they’re they want to make sure that when they push hard on the rock, the rock doesn’t move anywhere, right? Like is this rock safe enough to hold me and support me, let me test it, right? That’s what they’re doing over and over again, whether they’re conscious of it or not, and when they, when they test that rock, and the rock shakes and gets wobbly, right? They lose trust in it.

And that’s, that’s the big thing that’s really going on there with that one, is they just, they start to, and especially if they do this a lot, and you cave a lot, they basically just start to learn that they can’t trust you. Now, in some women’s case, that will bring a lot of fear in and that could potentially make them, you know, seek a different relationship or do other behaviors. But some women, again, unconsciously, when they realize that you are not going to step up and be the strong rock, then they do, because what happens in their mind is, I can’t rely on him. I can’t trust him. I’m gonna have to do all this shit myself. And then they get super in their masculine right? And then you really start to have problems, especially with polarity and the dynamics of the relationship. So yeah, you’re totally spot on with all that.

Paul Bauer 36:55
Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. And so then in the same thing sort of happens with the vulnerability thing. It ends up, ends up being a monumental trap for guys that they fall into. And then what she ends up doing is she takes all your vulnerabilities that you just shared, and she will use them against you, you know. And guy, a lot of guys, see this a lot, and especially when they’re at a place where their marriage is, you know, on the decline, like their wife will use these things that you shared incompetence against you, to point out your weaknesses.

Kevin Anthony 37:24
I always tell guys, it’s an interesting thing, because, again, you are, you’re totally right. Women, women say all the time they want men to be more vulnerable, right? But what they don’t say is exactly how, in other words, what they want when they say they want men to be more vulnerable is they actually want a man who can say like, I love you and mean it right, a man who maybe expresses how much he appreciates and cares for her and what important part of his life she is like. That’s actually what they really want. What they don’t want is him to dump all of his insecurities and fears about the world, because, again, that rocks the foundation and makes them feel unsafe.

This is why I tell men all the time, Look, I get it. You don’t have to bottle that stuff in, like the old masculine way of handling it was, you just bottle it in until you fucking explode, right? And then your life crashes. You don’t have to do that anymore, but don’t make your woman the person you dump this shit on. Go get a good friend, a guy friend who will listen to this stuff. Get a therapist, get a coach, get somebody else who you can vent that stuff to and can hopefully provide some constructive, you know, feedback and guidance as well. Do not do that to your woman. It destroys the polarity in your relationship?

Paul Bauer 38:41
Oh, absolutely. And I talked about that in my my latest book, too. I You said you have a group coaching. You have an offer group coaching for men or or do you do one on one?

Kevin Anthony 38:51
I do one on one. I actually, I haven’t even announced this yet out to anybody, but I am launching a group coaching for men coming this year. Yeah. Okay,

Paul Bauer 38:59
So something like that would be perfect. So I also, I have a men’s group. I don’t really do coaching in there, but it’s really an outlet for guys. That’s exactly what this is for. It’s because your girl’s not it. You know, your girl is not the proper outlet for that sort of thing. And these are all guys that are leveling up and studying this stuff. So you’re not going into a forum where the guys don’t know anything. Like, these guys know what they’re talking about. They fix their dead bedrooms. And so, like, get into something like that. Like, get, yeah, like you said, get a coach, a therapist, just anything but your wife, if you, if you you know, because we do need to have an outlet, even the gym. Just going to the gym and working out and getting, like, your frustrations out, and being able to process your thoughts is better than going to your girl and just dumping your insecurities and problems on her.

So yeah, those are that’s some actionable information for guys out there. And then, and then, as this process happens, getting back to the baitization process, she starts losing attraction for you. And then the next part is. She puts you to work, right? I have a client right now where his wife basically just barks orders at him, like, hey, go do this for me. Go do this for me. It’s like stuff she could do herself, but she just does it. You know, has her workhorse. Go do it because she doesn’t want to do it. And so he’s at this phase in his relationship. And then, as you keep doing you do all these things for her. You know you’re this is where, like, the love languages fail, right? Where they’re doing the acts of service she’s putting you to work, and then she’s losing more attraction because you’re doing what she’s telling you to do.

Well next, the next thing is her evolutionary selfishness kicks in, where she starts realizing, hey, he’s not my best hypergamous option anymore. What now? And so that’s that’s where women either step out and cheat outright, or they’ll or they’ll go and talk to an attorney and file for a divorce, or sometimes both, you know. So that’s typically what we see, is guys that are in a dead bedroom process. They’re usually at like the the phase four of the process, which is, you know, they’re, they’re beautiful plow horses, and wife has no more, no respect for them anymore, and it’s just a matter of time before she either files for a divorce or she’s out cheating, you know. So it’s really unfortunate situation.

Kevin Anthony 41:15
It is. It is a very unfortunate situation. And I think you described it quite well, and that is really what happens. They’re going to test you. You cave in, you fall prey to some of the misinterpretations of teachings that are out there, you know, for instance, you know, if men are out there, sort of in the the new age, you know, self help world, they’re going to get a lot of that information about how you need to open up and be more vulnerable and get more in touch with your feminine side and all that kind of stuff. And if they start going down that road, yeah, then they end up with a woman who doesn’t trust them, who feels like, you know, he’s not the big, strong, you know, safe provider that I thought he was. Well, shit. If he’s not going to do it, if he’s not going to step up and make sure that I’m taken care of, then I’m just gonna have to do it myself, right?

And that’s where you get into the client you just spoke of, which is she’s just barking orders at him all the time because she has now ascended into the role of leader in the relationship, because he decided to voluntarily allow himself to descend to the subordinate role of workhorse. And then I love how you brought in that like acts of service bit on that too. Talk about throwing fuel on the fire, right? If you’re literally in that dynamic where she’s barking orders at you, and you think that somehow you’re gonna make her happy and and horny just by doing more of the what she’s barking at you, absolutely going to cause the reverse effect that you’re looking for. So that would be a misapplication of that tool, right there. So yeah, that’s it’s a very common scenario also, by the way, what you are sharing, and I see a lot of men that get themselves in that. So that, of course, begs the question, okay, one, how do you maybe not get into that? And then, if you’re in there, how do you get out of it?

Paul Bauer 43:03
So what I would recommend, if you’re new in your relationship and you haven’t gotten to that place yet where sex is still pretty good, you know, sex like you’re having sex pretty regularly. You guys are having fun with each other. Still, you can’t get complacent, you know? You got to realize there’s no finish line. And I, in my first book, I talk about it how one of my rules of thumb is, I call it abs, always be seducing. You’ve always got to be running game on your girl. You always got to be taking her out on dates. You always got to keep her guessing. The worst you could be anything to a woman, but you can’t be boring, you know? And so if you start doing the stuff where you’re like, Okay, we’re having Tuesday scheduled date nights every Tuesday like clockwork, and we always go to Chili’s in a movie. You know, that’s boring. That gets boring after a while. So you can’t do that.

You have to actually be creative and start thinking of fun things to do. And now a lot of guys, one of their big problems is they start looking at this, like, work, right? Oh, you mean I gotta, I gotta do this. It’s work. Oh, my God. And so I would encourage those guys to change their mindset about it. Look at it like it’s fun, like you are looking for something fun to do, something new to do, and you’re bringing your wife along, you know? And if you do, if you look at it that way, like you just like doing these types of things because it’s fun for you, you’re going to have fun with it. It’s going to be a more enjoyable process. But if you look at it like it’s work and a chore, you’re going to hate it. You’re not going to want to do it. You’re going to stop doing it, and then you’re going to end up in a dead bedroom. So that’s one thing. And then if you’re in this situation, here’s the thing. So we’ve in red pill space. We sort of try to simplify things, and it makes a makes for a pretty easy framework to work with, right? But basically, we try to look at everything from the lens of hypergamy and women’s hypergamous nature. What’s hypergamy?

Well, women, that’s their that’s their sexual strategy. It based. Means that women are always looking for their best possible option. That’s why, when you’re out dating with dating women, you know, we call it spinning plates, they just call it dating. They are. They are literally talking to all sorts of guys. They’re going out on dates with lots of different men. They’re not they might not be sleeping with all of them. Maybe they are, but they are looking for their best possible option to consolidate with. And they are looking for a guy that has what we call alpha traits, you know, confidence, you know, they’re decisive. They are, you know, they’re bold. They set the tone. They have good solid frame. They have good emotional control. You know, they’re usually in pretty good shape. And so they’re looking for guys with those types of traits, and then they also want to settle down with a guy that has beta traits, you know, he’s going to be a good dad, he’s going to be a good provider, he’s going to be able to, you know, put a roof over our heads and put food on the table, like, that’s comfort. That’s the comfort side of hypergamy, right?

So they’re looking for a guy with both traits. They have a hard time finding a guy with both traits. So usually what they’ll end up doing is they’ll sleep with all these alpha Chad guys in their 20s, and then settle down with a beta guy in their 30s, and then they’re, you know, unhappy in that relationship because he’s not sexually attractive, and he’s not doing all the stuff that the guys in their 20s were doing to her, and she won’t let him because she’s not sexually attracted to him, right? So that’s kind of the problem. So we sort of look at it from that lens, and then if you realize, okay, women, you know, the dead bedroom is a sexual issue, right? It’s an attraction issue. She doesn’t wanna have sex with you. She doesn’t look at you as her best alpha, hypergamous option. So you have to work on traits that where she’ll see you that way. And so a good friend of mine in the space, his name is John, he has a channel called Modern Life dating. He came up with the core four and it just really simplifies this right to be the overall package.

You have to work on your money, muscles, game and frame. And the thing is, though, is that the money is the beta side of the hypergamy, right? So that’s not going to help you in the dead bedroom situation. And most guys who are married, their money is probably okay. It’s probably on point. But if she’s not having sex with you, you need to work on the other three. So the first thing guys can do that, like the number one thing they can do, is get in better physical shape. And 75% of guys out there are obese. They’re overweight. And I guarantee, if you were, you know a young, strapping, you know buff guy when she first met you, and now you’ve let yourself go, and you’ve you’ve gained 50 pounds. She’s not going to want to have sex with you because you are physically repulsive to her. So you got to fix that, go to the gym, start losing that weight, get back, try to get that v taper look, you know, try to look like Brad Pitt. You know, if you can, it’s not always attainable, but do your best. So that’s the first thing. And then you got to work on your frame. And that’s where the shit tests come in, right?

If you can work on your your mental frame, and be the kind of guy who you know when she throws these little barbs at you that you know how to handle them right, you don’t easily get drawn into conflicts. There’s proper ways of communication. There’s there’s ways of communicating from a position of authority, if she’s like the one, if she’s bitching and moaning and complaining and nagging and you need to address a specific situation. There’s a way of doing it without being weak. And one of the one of the big problems guys do is they end up Deering, which is comes from no more, Mr. Nice Guy, but stands for, defend, explain, excuse and rationalize. So when she’s complaining about your activity, guys gut instinct is to defend themselves. Explain why they’re doing it, you know, rationalize why they’re doing whatever they’re doing. Well, when you do that, she looks at you as weak, because now she’s the judge of what’s right and wrong, and you’re trying to get her buy in, and now you’re at a one below position from her. S

o a good mental model to have is, if you’re the king of the of the castle, you don’t have to explain yourself to the subjects. You know it sounds toxic, but it’s helpful in this situation, because when you realize you don’t have to explain yourself to your wife or your girlfriend, that actually puts you at a position above her, and she her hypergos nature wants to see you as as above her in some way. So if you realize, hey, I don’t have to explain myself to you, but you can communicate from a position of leadership, like, Okay, let me understand where you’re coming from, you know. And just listen to what she’s saying, understand where she’s coming from, get some clarity around the situation. She’s gonna feel heard and understood. And then you can come up with an action plan to solve whatever problem you need to and sometimes the action plan is to just listen to her, you know, but, but if you’re doing this without explaining yourself, she’s actually going to respect you more, you know, it’s an interesting dynamic. So that’s all part of frame.

And then Game. Game is being charming, you know, a really, it’s actually just being a social guy, a guy who other people. Like, if you go out in town and you’re talking to strangers and stuff like that, and people are interacting with you, your wife sees this sort of thing. It gives you, like, social proof that all that stuff in the dating circuit works in your relationship too, because there’s no buffer from the sexual marketplace. So when you realize that, and you’re you get back to being that kind of guy that talks to everybody, and you’re sort of a man about town and other people like you. And in fact, if other women are showing interest in you, and your wife’s noticing that, that’s going to boost her attraction to you. That’s what we call pre selection, right? That’s mate choice copying. When she sees that other women are interested in you, you don’t have to act on those urges, but she’s going to be like, Hey, that girl was hitting on you. You know, a lot of guys when, when their wife is saying that to them, their first gut instinct is like, Oh no, honey. I would never, you know, I would never talk to another woman like that. But a better way to handle that, that which makes you more attractive, which boosts her attractiveness to you, is is to go, oh, well, why wouldn’t she? I’ve been working out. You know, you know. So just play it off.

You know, there’s a, there’s a Ric Flair video where he’s like, I can’t help it, you know, I’m custom made, you know, I You got to sort of have that attitude with your wife, and she’ll actually appreciate that, you know, she’ll realize, oh, man, other girls think he’s attractive. I must have, I must have a catch here, you know, and I’ve got him, he’s with me, and that all that kind of stuff boosts attractiveness. But and that all goes That’s all part of game. And so if you can work on those three areas, you’re more likely to start changing that dynamic. Once she starts seeing you as more of an attractive guy, again, she’s going to want to start doing more of the like the validation type sex with you to try to keep, you know, oh, I got, I better, you know, I better. I better have sex with him, or else he’s going to leave me kind of thing, but, but in a good way, you know, like, there’s a lot of women are sort of having the obligation sex, like, I got to do it because I have to, but you want her to want to do it, right? And so the only way to do that is if you boost your attractiveness, where she’s like, Oh, I just want to bang his brains out, you know? And there’s, there’s other things that guys can do too.

One thing that I tell guys to do, and it sounds toxic as fuck, right? But it’s, but it but is. It’s operant conditioning, right? So if your wife is offering sex to you, a lot of guys, when they’re in a dead bedroom situation, start rejecting their wife, because they’re like, Oh, well, if she’s going to, you know, reject me all the time, I’m going to show her by rejecting her, right? And that doesn’t work the same way with with women, because women, when they when you reject them like that, they really internalize that, and they’re like, oh, he really doesn’t like me, and so they’re less likely to do that again, and then they’re probably going to go out and cheat on you anyway, because they’re not going to do without. So, so a better way of doing that is you reward that good behavior. You want her to have sex with you, so bang the shit out of her, right? Like, really give her the best mind blowing sex she’s ever had. Like, you have a, you have a course on that, right? So take his course, learn how to really bang her brains out, right? A friend of mine, a porn star in the space. His name is Eric iber heart. He’s a friend of mine.

Kevin Anthony 53:14
I had on the show a couple years ago.

Paul Bauer 53:16
Oh, did you? Oh, Eric’s great, yeah. Eric’s Eric’s cool. He and I, we, we swap notes a lot. And he has this concept that if you can Dick A girl down right, she will forget all your bullshit, you know. But most guys aren’t doing it right. They don’t know what they’re doing. So it behooves you to learn what rings her bell like, what really gets her off. Because if you can do that consistently, she’s going to want to do it more, you know? And then when I say, you reward good behavior, you also want to punish bad behavior. And the way you punish bad behavior in a relationship, in a modern way that’s acceptable, is you remove your time and attention, you know, if she’s not acting properly, you don’t have to hang around and suck it up. You can say, You know what? I’m not dealing with this right now. And you grab your gym bag and go to the gym.

You know that’s a healthy way of training her to do things that you want her to do sex and then, you know, when she’s behaving poorly, that’s a way of saying, Hey, this is not acceptable to me. But a lot of guys aren’t, aren’t there yet. So it’s a lot of this stuff is going to take baby steps, especially if you’ve gotten to a place where she’s driving the ship, you know, and you’re now up just a passenger in the car, and she’s, she’s the one driving, it’s going to take a take a little bit of effort to get back to that.

Kevin Anthony 54:37
Yeah. So one of the things that I really appreciate about this interview that we’re doing today is you’re saying a lot of the same things that I often say, but you’re using different languaging than I normally use, and I think that’s really awesome, because, you know, my languaging will hit for some people, and your languaging will hit for other people. And so I’m hoping that as people. Listening to this, like, especially people who’ve listened to my show for a long time, I’m hoping that as they’re listening to you talk, they’re starting to make connections and go, oh yeah, what he said is what Kevin’s been saying all along, or what Kevin says all the time is exactly what he’s saying right now. You know, like, I’m hoping they’re starting to see that there are some general rules or guidelines that that apply in these situations, and no matter what language you’re using, like whatever one, whatever one gets it to sink into your brain, go with that one, right?

Paul Bauer 55:31
I know exactly what you’re talking about, because it once you study this stuff, you might maybe read all the books, you’ll notice that there’s a central theme here, and really it’s that women respond to strength and that they are security seeking creatures. At the end of the day, it’s like, if you could just wrap your brain around that all this stuff tends to make a lot of sense.

Kevin Anthony 55:52
Yeah, absolutely. Of course, there are a million details in between there, right? And so this is where both men and women can go wrong is like, you know, if we were to just, you know, let’s say we didn’t do this entire interview and we just summed it up and said, Okay, guys, we’re gonna give it to you right away. Women seek strength, and, you know, just like you just said, all these guys are going, Okay, I just gotta be the total alpha male dickhead, and then everything’s gonna be great, right? No, it’s not. It’s gonna crash and burn on you, right? So there are a lot of details in there.

So my last question, and this is going to lead into how people can find you as well, is, you gave a lot of great advice on, you know what the problems are and what, what you know, actionable things they can do are, but like, for instance, one example that you shared was you got to get into shape. I completely agree. I’m telling guys this all the time. I’m like, if your woman gained 100 pounds, right, and let herself go and like, you know, didn’t do her beauty routines, would you be sexually a child? It’s works both ways, right? However, at the same time, a lot of men are probably sitting here going, I don’t even know where to start to do that. He just told me, I need to get into what do I do? Right? Same thing with all the other advice. There’s, there’s a lot of steps in order to do that. So the last question is, of course, you know, how can they get started on that? And of course, I always suggest, if you have no idea where to start, get help right? Which leads into, you know, find people that can actually shortcut the learning curve for you and help you get through this stuff?

Paul Bauer 57:25
Yeah, well, I actually have a mini course. It’s only 25 bucks, you know, it’s, I’m not getting rich off it. But that’s, that’s a big question, because there’s a lot of people that they don’t even know how to work out, which blows my mind, because when I grew up, there was, we had PE class, and we had to at least learn basic calisthenics and, you know, basic sports and stuff like that. But in modern days, they’ve sort of cut the funding for a lot of that, so a lot of people don’t even know how to exercise. So my course is real simple. It’s, if you go to fit dot come on. Man, pod.com, you can check it out. But basically, I teach you the only four exercises you need to get in shape. And it like it sounds simple, but it’s true. And this is, these are the four exercises that I had to do when I was in the US military. And it’s good enough for the armed forces. It’s good enough for you.

But basically, I’ll just tell you right now, push ups, right if you do push ups, that’ll work your chest and your shoulder muscles and your tricep muscles. If you can do pull ups, that’ll work your your backs, your lat and your biceps, and you’re also your rear delts. A little bit. Sit ups will work your core. And then if you do squats and squats and or running, that’ll work your legs. And if you do that and then work on your diet, you’re going to get in pretty good shape. And my diet recommendation in the course is to use two apps. See like this, no one’s going to buy the course because I’m just giving it all away, but that’s okay. I’m all about I’m all about massive value. So the two apps I recommend are Map My fitness and my fitness pal. They’re both free apps, but Map My Fitness will track your exercises, how many calories you’re burning in a day, and then my fitness pal will track all the calories you’re consuming in a day.

And all you have to do to lose the weight is to eat less calories than you’re than you’re burning in a day. And so that that app will actually calculate it for you. Like, how much weight do you want to lose? Like, it’ll it’ll ask what your starting weight is, what’s your goal weight? And it’ll say, Okay, do you want to lose a pound a week, or two pounds a week? And any more than that, it’s unhealthy. So they’ll say one or two pounds. And you put that in, they’ll calculate what your your calorie limit is for the day. As long as you stay under that, you’re going to lose weight, you know. And if you’re really heavy, it’s actually easier to lose weight. Once you start getting below 200 pounds, it starts becoming difficult. And you got to actually really start tweaking your diet a lot more and and changing your exercise up a bit. But if you’re really overweight, just just doing. That is going to really get you in the ballpark a lot quicker. So that’s what I would recommend for guys do.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:05
I don’t know. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this on the show at some point, but yeah, in my younger years, when I was in my 20s, I actually worked as a personal trainer, and I studied under a US Olympic strength and conditioning coach, and, like, worked at this high end fancy club where all the rich and famous were as a trainer, and it would always blow my mind, because what you said is so true. When you want to lose weight, it’s a really simple math formula. You’ve got to burn more calories than you take in. And I spent a significant amount of my time trying to get these people to understand that one simple thing everybody wanted to over complicate it, and you got to do this, and you got to do that, you got to do all these different things. And I’m like, if, like you said, obviously you got to get more technical and dialed in as you get closer to your goal, right? But in general, for the average person who wants to lose weight, it literally is that simple?

Paul Bauer 1:01:01
And if you look at every other diet out there, like all diets work, there’s a pro wrestler that I follow. His name is Brian cage. Guy’s an absolute beast. But he says all diets work, if you if you work it like if you’re consistent with it, then that’s the real key, is being consistent with it. But if you look at pretty much every diet out there, it all comes down to a calorie deficit. Shocking? Yeah, if you, if you like, I like the keto diet. I’m a fan of the keto diet, but if you really look at what you’re consuming in a day, you’re eating more calorie dense foods that you know that will satiate you longer, right? Like, so they’re, you know, you eat sort of like heavy food, but then you’re not snacking all the time, you know. So it’s ends up still at the end of the day being a calorie deficit, you know.

So it’s like, yeah, they might say, Well, yeah, but you go into ketosis and you’re burning fat as fuel, yeah, sure, but it’s also a calorie deficit that’s also happening there too, so, but yeah, that’s the easiest way, especially if you’re you really don’t want to cut out foods, like, like, if you’re doing keto, you have to cut out pasta and breads and potatoes. And that’s like, that’s mind blowing for some people. When I go to a restaurant and say, No potato, they’re like, Okay, do you want rice then? And I’m like, no, no rice. Okay, well, we’ll just bring you bread. It’s like they can’t fathom not having a carb, you know. But if that’s you, that’s okay. Just keep track of it in the app, and you can eat whatever you want. What you’ll find over time is that you’ll naturally start picking better foods. You’ll realize, okay, if I eat this candy bar, it’s 100 calories. If I eat this apple, it’s about the same amount of calories. But this is this apple is going to make me feel satiated longer. I think I’ll go with the apple, you know. And so you’ll just start making better choices over time with it, once you’re consistent with it, and you’ll be able to eyeball correct portions better. But most people have no idea what portions are. They’re like, Oh, yeah, this is the portion, right? It’s like a giant plate. That’s big.

Kevin Anthony 1:03:02
We could do an entire show just on this subject. We could do multiple shows on just this subject alone. I want to jump into everything you just said and expand more, because I’m in total agreement. Unfortunately, we don’t have time, but it was very nice of you to offer that to the audience, even though you do have a course, I’m sure there’s more than than what you just said in the course, too. So if people are interested in that, 25 bucks might change your life. Where else can they find you in the work that you do?

Paul Bauer 1:03:30
Well, what I would like to invite people to do is check out my, my latest book. It came out in September. It’s called the essential skills of a masculine presence, psychology paradigm and a lot of our relationship concepts, I sort of alluded to this at the beginning. We’re sort of raised with these our parents taught us our relationship skills. If you look at your parents relationship, it’s probably not the most ideal, but you’re that’s all programmed into your brain, and so you take that into your life, and you think this is how relationships are supposed to be. If you’re not getting the results you want out of your relationship, your relationship, though, it starts up here. You got to reprogram this. And so that’s what that book’s all about. It’s all about reprogramming your your mindset about relationships, to have more of a dominant masculine presence in your relationship, which that’s all the Alpha traits that we’re talking about in a relationship. It really is about programming your brain to be the leader in the relationship, and how to set the tone, how to be an attractive kind of guy.

So I would recommend getting that it’s available on Amazon and audible, and then if you’ve read the book and you’re still having problems in your your relationship, you’re in a dead bedroom situation. I would love to talk to you about that. So if you go to call dot fixted bedrooms.com, you can book a free call with me. We’ll talk about your specific situation. If I can help you, I’ll show you what that looks like, and if I can’t, I’ll at least point you the right direction. But either way, you’re going to get massive clarity on what’s happening in your relationship and idea of how to move forward.

Kevin Anthony 1:04:57
Awesome. Well, I think. People got a lot of value at it today, and I think also that if they need more, they know where to find you. Of course, they always know where to find me as well. And I just want to thank you for coming on the show and sharing your knowledge.

Paul Bauer 1:05:12
Yeah, thank you so much, Kevin. I appreciate it. This was a fun conversation.

Kevin Anthony 1:05:16
Indeed it was. There’s so so much more that I wanted to get into. But, you know, we only got an hour here, so we, I think we did pretty good with the time we had. Yeah, I agree. I agree. All right, everybody, that’s all the time I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe, leave us a review and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content, join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/ That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/ Thanks for listening, and remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!