Why Strong Successful Women Have A Harder Time Attracting Love

Kevin Anthony 0:05
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast, a safe and fun place to get real and learn about sex, whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you. I am your host, Kevin Anthony, and I am here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and your relationships.

Welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 329 and it is also the first episode of 2025 I can’t even believe that it is already 2025 that kind of just blows my mind a little bit. But welcome to the new year. We’ve got lots and lots of great stuff in store for you this year on the Love Lab podcast, but today, today’s episode is titled, Why Strong, Successful Women Have a Harder Time Attracting Love. So we’re going to talk about this. I have a guest on the show. If you are watching on YouTube, you can see her already, and we’re really going to be diving into what are some of the challenges that you know, strong, successful women have when it comes to finding love, and why are those challenges there? What can be done about those challenges? This is something that we hear about and see all the time. If you’ve been listening to this show for quite some time, you know that I’ve been working with a lot of women this past year, and I hear this a lot from them. They’re out in the business world, in the workforce, you know, doing their thing, and then yet they struggle, absolutely struggle with either finding a man or maintaining a relationship. And there are some definite reasons why that is, and we’re going to get into that today.

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Okay, my guest today is Sammy Wunder, and she’s a leading international relationship and dating expert who specializes in working with ambitious, high-achieving women, helping them attract lasting romantic love. As the CEO of a thriving multi-seven-figure per year business, Sammy currently serves a highly engaged global clientele of over 150,000 followers across 90 countries. Her clients range from a Hollywood celebrity to UK TV stars to CEOs, bankers, lawyers, doctors, renowned authors, leading entrepreneurs, and more. Welcome to the show, Sammy.

Sami Wunder 3:20
Thank you for having me.

Kevin Anthony 3:23
Well, we can tell from your short bio here that you definitely have experience working with high-achieving women. So that means you’re going to be the right person to ask some of these questions too. So my first question is, so you work with a lot of high-achieving women, how many of them struggle with attracting the kind of man they want like? Is this? Is this the majority of the women you work with? Is this? Just some of them? Is it specific to women who work, maybe in a certain area or field, or is it just common to all women who, you know, are really out there doing things in the world?

Sami Wunder 4:11
I think there are millions of women out there who struggle in the dating landscape and who have a hard time attracting the kind of man they want to attract. At the same time, I would say, in my experience of doing this for a decade and specializing in high-achieving women, they have a unique set of challenges in the dating market. So for example, a high-achieving woman has worked really hard to be where she is in her life and career. And now obviously, if you look at evolutionary psychology, a woman is looking to date and marry at least at her level or better than that. And so the dating pool of men for this woman, statistically, just becomes much smaller.

And. The higher you go up on the career ladder, the lesser that pool becomes. And from an evolutionary psychology perspective, it’s unfair to her to expect that she should date down or settle for less and at the same time, if she spent a lot of time and attention on her career. She’s probably ignored her love life, and so she’s only starting to look at it at 40 plus, or, you know, 45 plus, which again, drastically impacts her dating options in the market, because she often has the experience many of the good men are already taken. They already have families. They already have children. So this kind of woman has a very different and unique set of problems in the dating landscape. And, you know, she usually looks after herself. She, you know, looks great for her age, has a great social circle, actually leads a great life, and, you know, flies business class every now and then to, you know, feel to gift herself, you know, a self-love gift. But I think that one thing that is missing in her life is that incredible partnership. And even if she ends up having that by hook or crook, I think different types of challenges show up inside of her relationships.

Because if you are a high achiever, and I don’t just mean that you have to make a million dollars, though, that, of course, counts as being a high achiever, but I’m just talking about professional women, career-oriented women, you know, women who are working hard to be and are ambitious, and are, you know, climbing up the corporate ladder, or even successful entrepreneurs. You know, when these women get into relationships, they face a very different type of challenge, which is now, who’s wearing the pants, who’s more competent, and it ends up being more like a competitive relationship versus a harmonious relationship. And again, I have compassion for this woman because she has worked so hard to be so good at what she does. She’s extremely competent. She has an extreme eye for detail, but when she brings that masculine energy into her partnership, where she starts to correct her partner, control her partner, tell him what to do, telling him what is the superior way of showing up.

This is where it causes a huge erosion in attraction and in polarity of the relationship, and having worked with this woman over and over again, you know I have deep compassion for her because I know she’s not malicious. I know she’s not trying to outdo her partner. She’s not trying to be competitive, but it’s just that it’s taken that energy to show up in her career and be successful, and now she doesn’t know how to shut that down or shut that energy off inside of her personal life.

Kevin Anthony 8:07
Yes, you said a lot of things there, all of which we need to dive a little deeper in. So we’re going to try to take them one at a time. The first thing is, you know, when we’re talking about high achieving women, and we read your bio about, you know, seven-figure this, and TV star that, and blah, blah, blah. You said something here that I think is really important to say again so that people get it. What you’re talking about is not only specific to, you know, say, a woman who’s the CEO of, you know, YouTube and is pulling down X number of millions of dollars, right? This is really any woman who is successful in what she does, who’s driven, right?

And so it may not be necessarily somebody who makes a ton of money, it may not be somebody necessarily who has a lot of fame, but maybe somebody who’s, you know, built a small, successful business on her own, right? So I want to make sure that people understand that we’re not just talking about this elite level, that this applies to a lot of women. It’s basically any woman who is, you know, sort of driven and, you know, running a business or has a, you know, maybe she’s just a lawyer, I shouldn’t say just, but maybe she’s a lawyer in somebody else’s firm, but, you know, maybe she’s almost partner lawyer, whatever it is, right? It’s like the idea is successful women. That doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be famous or super wealthy.

Sami Wunder 9:29
Absolutely, professional, career-oriented women.

Kevin Anthony 9:33
All right. Now, here’s the second point that I wanted to cover. You mentioned something about this. Should be dating at least at a level or higher. We need to explore that just a little bit here. So when we’re talking about that, what do we really mean? So let’s say that she is, you know, a partner in a law firm. Does that mean she can only date people that are, you know? Also partners in law firms, or maybe owners of law firms, or maybe billionaires or something like, what does it really mean when we say, you know, she should date at her level or above?

Sami Wunder 10:12
Okay, so just for the sake of accuracy, I do not say she should date. I say she ends up and wants to Okay, okay. So there are no shifts in dating. I think dating is an organic process where you can’t help but feel pulled and attracted to that which moves you, that which calls you. And so from an evolutionary psychology perspective, there are a lot of statistics and studies that show that women date across the same social status, or they want to go above their current social status. Men, on the other hand, are happy to date on their social status and below their social status. So these are just statistics from research and evolutionary psychology. And I talk about women who have, you know, achieved a certain level of success in life.

And of course, by that success, I mean career, and, you know, money. And of course, it could also look like fame and affluence, but it doesn’t have to look that way. Now, these women have a certain level of standard that they can give themselves. So why would they want to date somebody who can’t even meet them at the level at which they are able to afford themselves? So if you look at it and I don’t mean this in a judgmental way, you know, I totally get it. I totally get it that as a woman, if you can give yourself, you know, a certain type of home, then why would you downgrade from that which you already have? You would want at least that much or more if you are, you know, going to have a partnership. And so this is what brings up the challenge for this kind of woman, and it’s not just, you know, her standards when it comes to wealth. I think wealth is just one aspect. Like you said, you know, if you’re a partner at a firm, can you only marry a partner at a firm? Absolutely not. I think you could marry across any career, as long as you see somebody who’s ambitious and successful as much as you are yourself.

But I think this is much more nuanced than that. I think it also calls upon emotional intelligence. So the more successful a woman becomes, you know, so many women I work with, they’re growth-oriented, they’re emotionally intelligent. Now their checklist increases, because if they are that person, you know, they want a vibrational match for who they are in the dating landscape. So if I’m a self-aware woman, and you know, I believe in growing and I believe in learning, then I would appreciate a man with similar values, at least, right? And so this is why this woman finds it hard because she works so hard on herself, and she’s a very self-aware person, and she’s very evolved and she’s successful and she’s gorgeous. Now, if you look at it from the man’s side, and Kevin tell me if I’m wrong, I’m very happy to be wrong. But my experience is that men’s needs in romantic relationships are simpler. So every time I have, you know, these amazing male friends, and you know they’re, they’re running great companies, and when they hang out with me, they don’t care about the money I make, they don’t care about my achievements. They just think it’s really nice to hang out with. Sammy, she’s lovely. She’s nice to hang out with, and the requirements are not that high. And so of course, I’m very happily married, so I’m not on the dating market, but it’s very easy for me to see that if I’m on an evening out, you know, I need to feel an emotional connection. I need a certain level of emotional intelligence.

But for a man, the needs are far more simpler. And if we talk about the romantic landscape and the dating landscape. If you’re a pretty girl and you look after yourself and you’re reasonable like you’re a reasonable person, you have needs that you can communicate and that most of the time are easy to fulfill, you know you can make for a great partner. You don’t have to have great degrees, you don’t have to drive a certain type of car as a woman, and you don’t have to make so much money in order to qualify as a good partner. And so now we have this skewed dating landscape where high achieving women, professional women, successful women, have a long checklist of requirements because they are offering that themselves, whereas men are just like, Oh, she’s pretty and she’s and she’s nice, you know, I can girlfriend her, you know, she’s, she’s lovely. And so their dating pool, you know, can be easily satisfied with a 20 year, eight-year-old, something who hasn’t achieved much in life, you know, is happy just being herself, you know, romping on. Like a beach, and that’s enough. It more is not required. And so we have this, what I would call, like, difference of expectations in the dating landscape, where the woman is looking for that complete package, whereas the man is just going, Oh, she’s nice, she’s pretty, you know, she can be a good partner.

Kevin Anthony 15:19
There’s definitely a lot of truth to that. I want to come back to that in a moment, but I had to ask that follow-up question about, you know, dating at a level or above, and I’m glad that you answered it the way you did because I needed people to understand that this wasn’t about money per se, or fame or something like that. Because when people hear, Oh, she needs to date, at least at her level or above, right? People are thinking like, well, of course, because she needs money or this or that. So the reality is, is that it’s not really about that. It’s about a lot of the things that you said. So for instance, if she is successful, right, and she’s you know, capable of living in a certain kind of house. If she dates down, that doesn’t mean she has to give up that house, right? Because she can provide it for herself and for him, and she doesn’t have to degrade her actual living lifestyle, right?

But what is an issue is some of the other things that you said so a person, whether it’s you know, a man or a woman, but in this case, specifically, a woman who has done what it takes to get to that level as an entrepreneur. You know what it takes to be an entrepreneur, it’s hard. You have to learn a lot of skills. You have to get real honest with yourself about the things that you don’t know about, the areas that you’re not good at, right? You need to figure out ways to get help in those areas like it is a growth process just being an entrepreneur. So what you were speaking to is a woman who has achieved this level, and has done a certain amount of growth, right? She has certain expectations about how a partner would show up in that relationship. And so maybe somebody who hasn’t done that amount of work is just simply not going to be a good fit. They’re going to have too many things that are not in alignment, right?

And so this, of course, speaks to the issue of polarity, right, which we haven’t quite gotten to yet, but there is a thing called polarity. You hear a lot of coaches talking about it. Some of them are right on with what they share. Some of them are completely full of shit, which gives the polarity teachings a bad name because there are some polarity teachers out there just teaching complete nonsense when it comes to polarity, but the polarity is a thing, and because of that, if we want to have really healthy, successful relationships, that polarity needs to be there. And so kind of what you’re talking about here with a woman and a man is that polarity needs to be there. And because of that, because of the level she’s at, right?

She needs somebody that is at least at her level or more in order to create that polarity. Otherwise, there is. There’s either no polarity, or you end up with reversed polarity, which is never good because then she ends up in the she’s controlling. She’s dictating. She’s in the mother role in the relationship a lot, and that just destroys polarity. So I just thought it was, it was important for people to understand that we’re not talking about material wealth here when we say her level or above, right? We’re talking about emotional maturity. We’re talking about growth, we’re talking about polarity. And because she is in the advanced level that she’s at, she’s going to need a man that’s at least there or ahead of her, because that’s important for her and polarity.

Sami Wunder 18:51
I beg to differ. My experience shows that successful women do want to attract men who are at least at a similar level of material success as well. Now I believe in not judging my client. I just call it for what it is, and I speak as I see it. And a lot of my clients that I work with in Elevate, which is really my six-month container, where we help you attract an empowered man. I think this is one of the deepest works I have to do with my clients, because they go, you know, I make 200,000 a year. He makes 50,000 I don’t think this is going to work without me having to be the main provider. And so this is where I think we are doing the work.

But I would be factually incorrect if I said, in my experience, women are not seeking men materialistically as well that are at their level or above. And I think this is what creates this is not a should or need to this is more like. An organic attraction response, you know, like you just want to be in an energy that feels bigger than yourself. And because you have achieved so much, you find yourself often being the biggest energy in the room, and then it reduces your dating options drastically. And do I subscribe to this myself? Absolutely not. I am just speaking as an expert in terms of my experience with clients that a lot of women want men at the same level of success or more, which obviously makes dating much harder for them.

Kevin Anthony 20:37
Yeah, and honestly, I think we’re saying the same thing here, but we’re using different terminology, and I think that if you ask them, they would say, yes, he needs to make a certain amount of money. But it’s not the money that’s the issue, because they can already, they can already afford the lifestyle that they want. It’s what a man with more money than her actually, what energy he’s bringing, and that’s the word that you just used the energy of it. She wants to be around something, the energy of something bigger than herself. That’s the polarity. That’s what she’s really seeking, even though she might say the words of he needs to have X amount of dollars, right? That’s my take on it. I mean, you’re, of course, certainly free to disagree with that, I don’t think the money is the actual I mean, maybe it is for some of these women, I don’t think that’s what they’re actually seeking. I think they’re seeking something that tends to come along with men who have achieved that level of success.

Sami Wunder 21:33
It’s also about your own relationship with money. So for somebody like me, if I were to be single tomorrow and go out in the dating market, money would be a basic factor. It would not be the core value I would be seeking, and that’s because I have a very healthy relationship with money. I make a lot of money, I spend a lot of money, and I’m not so attached to money, and I feel sick with money. However, it’s taken me 10 years in the business to come to this point. It’s taken a lot of work in my relationship with money to get to this point of safety with money. And this is coming from a very humble middle-class background, you know, hard-working Indian parents who were just professors, and we always had enough, but not more than that. So I think a lot of women who are high achievers, they still could have work around their relationship with money, and so they could be over-prioritizing money in the dealing process. So I do agree with you that you know it would not be how I would do things, but I have compassion for the person who is still seeking that safety in the form of a man. And I think it is something that can be healed, but it takes intentional work to heal your relationship with money.

Kevin Anthony 22:51
That’s a good point that you bring up. Your relationship to money can definitely affect that. I find it interesting, though, that you know a woman who is that successful and makes that much money would still have such a fear around money that she would still need somebody that has more money than she ever has. But I get it. I get it. I see how that could possibly be the case.

Sami Wunder 23:11
Absolutely, and I don’t think it has anything to do with the money in your bank account. So often there is a disconnect between how you feel about money and the money you make. And I can speak for my client, but I can also speak from personal experience where, you know, I’ve I’ve had very successful launches, and I’ve still not felt the abundance of money, and that’s because it’s an energetic relationship you have with money, and it has little to do with the number in your bank account. You can have so much in your bank account and still feel poor, and you can have very little and still feel abundant. But that is somebody talking who is aware of our relationship with money. So so often we’re not even talking about these things. We just, we are just on autopilot, default mode. You know, we think a certain way. We just decide I need a man who makes at least 200,000 a year or more in order for me to even give him a chance. So now we’re talking now we are sitting with such a small pool of men in the dating market, and we forget the options that are available to this pool of men in terms of more simple choices in women.

Kevin Anthony 24:20
Yeah, you know, this is, this is a direction I did not expect this conversation to go in, but it’s a really important point, I think, to make, because one of the things I hear from a lot of men is, you know, these women are just gold diggers. They just want your money. It’s all about the money to them, right? But when you understand what we were just talking about that’s not necessarily about the dollars in the bank account, that it actually has to do with an underlying fear of not having enough. Then that shifts your whole perspective around it’s no longer she’s just trying to get my money and she just cares about the dollars. You start to see that there’s actually some wounding there. Around money, and that can actually really shift the way you see things a lot. That’s a very interesting point, and not where I expected this conversation to go.

Sami Wunder 25:08
Well, I’m glad we’re having an interesting conversation.

Kevin Anthony 25:11
Well, that’s what these are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be fun and interesting conversations. If they were just, you know, playing and we knew what all the answers were going to be, they just wouldn’t be that interesting to listen to. Okay, so let’s move on from that a little bit. In the pre-interview, you mentioned that women often have a lack of understanding of the kind of man they want to attract, I’m wondering what is it that they think they want, and how is it. How is that different from what they actually want?

Sami Wunder 25:47
Great question. So what I have found is that, first and foremost, I don’t think this is specific to high-achieving women. I think this is specific to most women, The majority of women, we have a certain template of the kind of man we want to attract. So for me personally, it was like Wolf of the Wall Street or The Great Gatsby. And I just wanted somebody who was, you know, very high on testosterone, wearing a suit, you know, trading in the stock markets. And then when I met my husband, he was nothing like it, like he was this most chilled out, relaxed, confident, a more quiet confident man. And I was like, this is completely opposite of what I have in my head. He possibly can’t be the right one for me, even though I felt like a basic level of, you know, primal attraction. I liked his body. I liked his physique. I liked his broad, broad shoulders, his blue eyes, and yet I had this bug in my head that, you know, he’s not my type. So most women have a type in their heads.

Now, the issue with the type is that the type is often like a fantasy projection, and that type, like, if I got, let’s say I got wolf of the Wall Street, like, say I was married to the wolf of the Wall Street. Now, if I’m married to Leonardo DiCaprio in Wolf of the Wall Street. Now this is a very specific type of man. He is going to, of course, give me the experience of wearing hot suits and smelling great and, you know, high on testosterone and doing all the great things and jet-setting across the world. But now I’m going to try and reconcile with my homely side, that same man, and expect him to be at home with me, be emotionally available, be there for my needs, spend all his time with me, not flirt with other women, not look at other women. And this is where the record, the reconciliation doesn’t happen. This is where we are. Fantasy projection is not really a sustainable partnership in a real-life scenario.

And so we are often attracted to that rowdy Bad Boy, you know, high on testosterone, man. You know the shiny syndrome. I call it, you know, that’s shiny object syndrome. So you look at this guy, and he’s extremely good-looking. He’s extremely successful. Make lots of money jet sets around the world, and he’s what you want on paper. Immediately he matches the fantasy of the man you want on paper, but the same man is traveling away for weeks. He’s never home. The same man says it’s too early to have a child. I am not thinking about it for the next 15 years. The same man says, Can we be in an open relationship? No judgment, if you want a monogamous relationship, though, that could be a problem, right? Like if you are attracted to somebody who is more on the open relationship side.

But the point I’m trying to make here is that often the person that we think we want is the person who is not going to be a real-life good partner in a long-term relationship. And so the work lies in our ability to look at our fantasy, be aware of our projections, and then really understand. Like, if I’m going for a certain type of man, what kind of man does he become in everyday life, right? So like, if he’s constantly on stages, he’s constant, constantly on the plane. Is he really available at home to build a family? Is he really available at home to have children, and then is he really available at home to be a good father and to be a good husband? He’s probably not there, right? So we want to marry our fantasy, and that makes us fall flat on our faces. And what we have to do is really, you know, evaluate a man from the perspective of everyday life, not the highlight reels.

So when I met my husband, you know, every as I would say, I. Liked him, as, you know, in the form of primal attraction, like, Could I imagine myself kissing this guy? Absolutely? Could I imagine myself like, you know, him touching me and me not getting repulsed? Or Absolutely, like, that was there. The basics were there, but there was nothing like off-the-chart chemistry, you know, like sparks flying, and that is the healthy thing you want to look at, because a healthy connection will build over time based on how somebody treats you and how over time, they reveal themselves to you with their actions and their behaviors, versus this projection that you make. This is a 10 on 10 guy. He’s got all the items on my checklist, and now let’s get him and win him and be his girlfriend. And I think this is the hard thing to balance for most women, where we are over-emphasizing chemistry, physical attraction checklist items like success, wealth, and we’re not giving enough importance to the everyday qualities and values that actually make for a good partner, partner and long term relationship.

Kevin Anthony 31:00
Yeah, once again, you said a lot there that I want to break down a little bit. But you know, the core essence of what you were sharing, the majority of what you were sharing there comes down to something so fundamental that has existed between men and women basically forever. So you described him as The Wolf of Wall Street, wearing the nice suits out there, making millions of dollars, you know, all of that kind of stuff. Well, what does the Wolf of Wall Street really symbolize masculinity? That’s what it symbolizes, the ultimate alpha male who is in charge, who wins? Who kicks ass, gets shit done, makes a lot of money. That’s what it really symbolizes. It’s masculinity. This is the same reason why women are always attracted to the bad boy. Why are they attracted to the, you know, the James Dean type with the motorcycle jacket, smoking a cigarette, and can’t commit to anything? Why?

Because he’s masculine. That is why she is attracted to him. Right now, in your version of masculinity, it looks like the Wolf of Wall Street. In other women’s versions of masculinity, it looks like James Dean, you know, living on a motorcycle. The point, though, is, is that that’s what’s really the attraction for women. And you made a really good point about they may be all those things and there is that attraction, but can they also actually be available for a relationship? So for women, that skill is being able to see. Okay, I’m attracted to this, but let’s be realistic. Does he have the rest of the picture? You know, is he traveling, you know, two-thirds of the year, you know, would he be able to be home and have a relationship with our kids if we had kids, right? So that’s a really good point in understanding, if you’re a woman, why you’re attracted to him, and then seeking men who possess that quality, right, but also possess the other qualities that are also very important to you. So it sounds like that’s what happened with your husband, right? You didn’t necessarily see Wolf of Wall Street right away, right? But you saw other qualities there, and then you were able to develop them.

Sami Wunder 33:25
And you know, I’m going to say something controversial. Let’s see if we agree or disagree. Okay, I’m not a huge fan of alpha males. I actually find that they lack sensitivity, and they often have a hard time empathizing with a woman’s feelings, they can often be bordering on the narcissistic spectrum, where it’s all about them, their careers, and what they want, and a woman like me who has a strong sense of self and identity would just not be able to survive with a man who thought that He was the only player in the game, and this is why I think I prefer men who are more in their masculine but have also worked to make a connection with their feminine side. Now, till today, I would say that my husband has a very hard time speaking about feelings, he wants to be the strong guy, and he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings too much like he does it in a very proportionate way, definitely not in the way I do it.

But he has a lot of empathy and the capacity to hold space for my femininity. He has a lot of capacity to hold space from my feelings and his masculine is there to, you know, fix things for me, make solutions for me, you know, find a way to bring the smile back on my face, if you can put it that way. So I actually am not a huge fan of alpha males. I do believe they’re very attractive. Of but given the work I do and my expertise, and also that I teach it to 1000s of women across the globe, let’s just say I would never fall for such a man because I know it’s like a recipe for chaos and a recipe for disappointment. And I have such friends, and I think they’re extremely inspiring to be around professionally. Their drive is inspiring. Their ability to take action and initiative is inspiring. But would I consider such men as my partner if I were to be single tomorrow? Absolutely not.

Kevin Anthony 35:34
But what you just said really, actually isn’t controversial at all. And when we were talking about what women think they want versus what they actually want. This fits that perfectly because the reality is, is they think they want Wolf of Wall Street, but that’s not actually what they want, because Wolf of Wall Street is the ultimate fucking narcissist he is. That’s how he got to be The Wolf of Wall Street, right? But what she was really seeking, what she saw there, that she that she maybe gets confused about, is the masculinity. So she does want that man who is masculine, but she also wants him to actually be a good person who can actually talk about his feelings and can share and can support her and can love her and be available for her and be available for his family, right? So it’s not controversial. This is why, when the woman goes for the bad boy, she’s always left brokenhearted and like every story you hear, right?

She thinks she wants that because she’s attracted to the masculinity of it, but what she doesn’t want are all the negative things that come along with that, which are often very present in those really strong alpha male-type characters. So yeah, that makes complete sense, and it fits the model perfectly. So I got, I had a lot of other questions, but I got to take a quick break, and then we’ll come back. I want to talk about, a couple of different things. I want to talk about why men are not necessarily attracted to her masculine energy. I want to talk about high achiever masculine men, and what they’re actually looking for in women, a little bit. Because obviously, if these high-achieving women are looking for high-achieving men. They would want to know what these high-achieving men are actually looking for. And then, you know, I had a note in here, this had something to do with what we were talking about, about how feminism potentially contributed to these problems. So, and I’ve even got more than that, so that’s what I want to talk about, starting when we come back.

Okay, ladies, are you tired of always picking the wrong guy? Does it seem like there just aren’t any good men out there? Are you struggling with your sexuality? Or do successful relationships seem like a mystery you can’t quite crack the code on then it’s time to get help. Check out my women’s relationship and sex coaching program at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/relationship-sex-coaching-women/. Don’t worry about the long link. It’s in the description, all you have to do is click on it. In this program, we will work on removing sexual shame, becoming confident in your body, learning the sexual secrets that drive you wild, what to really look for in a man when dating, how to break down old patterns like always choosing the wrong guy and so much more. This is your opportunity to learn everything you have ever wanted to know about men, while also creating real, lasting change in your life. That is https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/relationship-sex-coaching-women/ and sign up for a strategy call today we get to talk about a lot of these things when we work in that capacity. And of course, at the end of the show, I will give Sammy an opportunity to talk all about what she’s doing. If you resonate with her, if you like the things that she’s saying and the way she sees the world, and you want to work specifically with a woman, then I highly encourage you to do that as well.

Okay, let’s dive right back into the questions here. I uh, high achieving women, women who have had a certain level of success are most likely pretty in touch and able to access their masculine energy. Why? Well, because that’s often what it takes to compete in this masculine, dominated world, right? So we understand why that is. It’s not a bad thing. I think the real high-level skill is being able to switch back and forth. We’ll talk about that later. But what I want to get to here is when women are in that masculine energy, first of all, do you even agree that this is true? And if so, why do you think it’s true men aren’t attracted to the masculine energy in a woman? Is that true? And if so, why do you think?

Sami Wunder 39:54
Okay, so. At a broad level, I would say it’s true, but it’s nuanced. So. So I think at a broad level, it’s true, because it’s a bit like, you know, if I am a straight woman and I’m an expert at heterosexual relationships, so that’s what I can speak about. But I believe in all forms of love, and I believe even in homosexual relationships, polarity plays a huge role. So there is still something for all of us to learn, regardless of how we identify. So if I were to sit with a woman at a bar and Okay, let’s put it this way, if I were to sit with a man at a bar, and he was dressed in the most amazing wolf of the Wall Street suit and looked incredible and sharp, but he did not know how to initiate or he did not know how to have a conversation, or he did not know how to, you know, have a great pick up line and, You know, get started talking to me, after a point, I would feel bored. It’s not because it’s not about the way he looks. I think that can only take you so far. It’s about the energy you possess, and either that energy is attracted to the opposite sex or it’s not attractive to the opposite sex.

Now the same is true for men. Now, before I get to men, let me talk about myself as a woman who is in her feminine at the bar. I do not feel attraction towards feminine energy. So if a man is sitting there dressed up, very handsome, very sharp, but he possesses and embodies feminine in his dynamic with me, I’m not going to feel anything. I’m going to feel bored. Probably going to call him my cousin or my brother, very, very fast. Now, the same applies to men. They are not attracted to what is like themselves. So you could be wearing the prettiest red dress and have red lips on, and that will definitely help you win the game for the first five to 10 minutes where he is. You know, visually aroused and visually stimulated by your appearance.

But if you go into your masculine which is like you ask for the number, you say we should meet. You say we should let me get you a drink because you’re so capable and independent and free and equal now very quickly, you’re creating the experience of the red dress. But masculine energy and masculine energy is not attractive to a masculine, embodied man, so he’s experiencing himself in you, and he doesn’t want to experience himself in a woman. He wants to experience something different. He wants to experience vulnerability. He wants to experience him taking charge and your ability to receive. You know what he’s offering. And so I think this is the best way to describe it, which is we are attracted to what is unlike our energy in terms of polarity. So if I am very good at masculine, I’m not going to be attracted to masculine in you. And if I’m very good at feminine, I’m not going to be attracted in feminine in you. I want the opposite energy to be taking charge. And so this is why so many high achievers can be dressed in a pretty dress and look amazing, but the minute you start to experience their energy, a masculine man starts to experience such woman’s energy, she’s leading, she’s penetrative, she’s initiating, she’s taking charge, she’s organizing, she’s offering, she’s giving. It’s just, it just reminds him of himself, like these are all the things he can do and he can access by himself in his own masculine so from a woman, he’s seeking a different experience, and that is missing when he’s coming in contact with such a woman.

Kevin Anthony 43:54
I’ll say from a man’s point of view, yes, we want to experience something different from ourselves, but it also triggers something in us. It triggers our competitive nature, right? And so when a woman starts, you know, basically being masculine and sort of, you know, challenging us or directing or leading, it triggers us to basically want to outdo that, right? And so we get into this competitive battle that really is not good for creating a healthy relationship. So, you know, this is, this is just another way. A lot of the things that we’re talking about today do come back to this sort of idea of polarity, but I like the fact that we’re talking about it in ways that are different, right ways that are a little bit more real, because a lot of times when people are talking about polarity, that you’re talking about negative and positive and masculine-feminine, but it’s all kind of airy-fairy, kind of, you know stuff.

It’s not wrong or bad, but you know, we’re talking about, what does it really feel like when a masculine man sits next to a masculine woman in a bar? What does it feel like for him? What does it feel like for her, right? And I think by using languaging like that, it helps people. I think it makes it a little bit more real. It helps them understand it a little bit more like, oh yeah, that’s true. Remember that guy I met at the bar, and I just, I totally felt that energy exactly what they’re describing right now. So I like the fact that we’re talking about it from a little bit of a different angle. I think it makes it a little bit more real. But the basic idea is, is that, yeah, we end up wanting, you know, we can say wanting something opposite from our own experience. We could say wanting more polarity. We could say, you know, not wanting, like, for me from a guy’s point of view, you know, I’m perfectly fine, you know, getting in the ring and sparring a few rounds with, you know, my buddies, I don’t want to do that with my woman. I don’t I have no interest whatsoever in throwing on the gloves and sparring. And what do I mean by that?

Well, like, okay, when guys get together in the bar and they’re having a drink, they challenge each other, right? You know, one guy will say something, the other guys, you’re full of shit, you know, they’ll challenge each other. They’ll go back and forth. They’ll, you know, at a higher level, they’ll debate. At a lower level, they’ll literally start punching each other. But that’s what we do because we compete with each other. What we don’t want to do is compete with our women. And so it’s a problem. When that starts to happen. We are getting really long in the show, and I have so many more questions I’m gonna do. I did this in the last episode to where I kind of do like, like Rapid Round, like rapid fire. I’m just gonna, like, ask you a couple of questions real quick, and because I am curious to know your answers. So one of them, of course, is, what does a high-achieving and masculine man actually want in a woman?

Sami Wunder 46:50
I think it’s because he wants to feel attraction. Physical attraction has to be strong. He’s really that is very important. So he has to build that so looking after yourself, taking care of your body, taking care of your appearance, is always a winner. And I think at the second level, what comes to me is peace. He wants you to be His peace, because he fights enough out there in the world, and the world out there is hard enough and it’s cruel enough, and he wants to be able to come home to an energy that is peaceful and which is home, and which is authentic and which is grounded.

And I believe a woman who is truly embodying her feminine energy offers that with a lot of ease. So I know that this is one compliment my husband gives me five times a day, which is like, Oh, I’m glad you exist. Oh, I’m glad you’re there. Oh, I’m so happy I have you. Oh, I love you so much. You know, you’re my, you’re my. You bring me joy. You have no idea, you know. And I can see that he’s, you know, having a hard day at work. He’s got a lot of projects. He’s got all these colleagues who are not being nice and nasty and difficult, but this place between us is free of judgment, is free of control, is free of pretense. He can just be himself and he knows he will be accepted.

Kevin Anthony 48:26
You are absolutely right. You’re absolutely right. That’s exactly what we want. And this, this goes back to what I was just saying a moment ago, about we’re fine, you know, sparring with our friends, or, you know, in the maybe it’s not sparring, maybe it’s the actual fight in the workplace, but that’s exactly what we don’t want when we’re with our woman. We want her to be our piece, absolutely, 100% which, of course, speaks to a lot of the things that we’re talking about today with the challenges that you know, these high-achieving women are facing when they’re looking for somebody. And, you know, we talked about dating up versus dating down. You know, when we say men are okay with, you know, dating at or down, this is one of the reasons why, because we’re not looking for somebody to compete with, right?

We’re looking for somebody that just brings us peace and love and caring and nurturing, and, you know, all of those things. Okay. Do you have any thoughts on how feminism, and we’re being very broad here when we use the term feminism because there’s first, second, third, fourth, I think we’re at like the fifth wave at this point, and they all have differences between them. But any insight potentially on how feminism may have contributed to this problem? I mean, do you think it has, and if so, how?

Sami Wunder 49:48
Absolutely it has contributed, and at the same time, I do believe that the fact that I have the stage and the success I have today is thanks to our grandmothers and mother. And four grandmothers who fought for our rights. So I think it’s a very nuanced debate again, but I think feminism and its good intention wanted women to have equal opportunity, and feminism in its bad intention has become the means to help us, make us want to be men, make us want to be like men. And so, you know, I think the idea was to be a smart woman, a capable woman, a woman, and create a world where there is cerebral opportunity equals cerebral opportunity for both men and women.

However, the form it has taken today is that I can do anything that a man does. I am. I can be the man, and I think therein lies the problem. Because, you know, I think we can have success, and we can create an amazing number of achievements for ourselves and create a great life, but we can do that as a woman. And I think with the current debate and feminism, it has led women too, you know, take men as the masculine benchmark, you know, and whatever men do, we can do, and whatever they can do, we can do it better. And we’re going to wear pants, and we’re going to scream hard, and we’re going to, you know, be strong like a man. And I think that is where the essence of feminine, minute femininity, gets lost because you can do it all, but you can do it as a woman, and you can, you can also see that with high achievers, there is a stroke of hyper independence that has arisen.

You know, I don’t need a man. Is often, you know, a statement that a successful women woman will give you. Now, I need my man, and I’m a very successful woman, but I need my man because he fulfills me in ways that I can never fulfill myself. And I believe that is also what my husband will say. You know that he doesn’t need me for my materialistic, transactional abilities, but he would. He really appreciates my feminine energy, and my emotional connection with me, right? So I think feminism in the in the way it is being used today is actually burdening the woman, because she ends up just being alone, doing it all, doing it at work, doing it at home, and it’s not in her favor. You know, life is so much easier with a great man by your side. And I can really attest to that, you know, I can’t remember the last time I fixed the bulbs or, you know, fix my car tires, you know, like it’s just so much more fun and so enriching to have a man and a woman contribute their strengths and come together in a harmonious relationship.

So yes, I mean, feminism has definitely benefited us, women, a lot, and I don’t think I can ever not give it its due credit, given that I am a highly educated woman and a highly successful woman, I don’t think this would have been possible for me sitting where I am without feminism. But at the same time, I think it has to be taken with a pinch of salt because the way it’s being interpreted in society today is actually hurting us more than it is benefiting us after a point.

Kevin Anthony 53:24
Yeah, I completely agree with you, and that’s why I kind of prefaced that question by saying we were being a bit generic because there are multiple waves. That’s how they’re usually referred to, first wave, feminism, second wave, third wave, and the the early waves really had that positive intention of making things equal, giving women the choice and the ability, right? It’s been the later waves that have been more like what you were saying with that I don’t need a man. I can do everything a man can do. I can do a better kind of thing that has robbed women of their femininity and created a massive imbalance and polarity in relationships. So, yeah, absolutely, I completely agree.

Sami Wunder 53:59
It ends up making us feel very tired when I could wave the flag if I can do it all, but then at the end of the day, I’m the one burnt out if I can’t receive help, if I can’t ask for help if I can’t receive support if I feel shame in asking for help, if I feel shame in Being vulnerable. So it’s not benefiting me. I can still wave that flag of ego, but it’s not to my own advantage.

Kevin Anthony 54:27
Yeah, you know, just flipping it around from the man’s perspective, since I am a man, it’s really very similar the other way around, too, in a sense that if you’re really in a good relationship, you should feel, and I have felt when in those relationships that life is absolutely better with a good woman in it, and it’s easier. And even as a man, I know I can do everything that I need to do in life. I don’t like to, and I get exhausted when I have to fill all the roles that she would be fulfilling. You know, in. Relationship. So like, for instance, I’ve just That’s something that’s alive for me. Because, you know, when my wife was around, She fulfilled a lot of, you know, the feminine roles in life, and since she passed, now I have to do those in addition to all the masculine roles, and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to have to do all those things.

Life is better with a good woman in your life. Just like for a woman, life is better with a good man in her life. So it works both ways. For sure. Okay, only got a couple of minutes left. We’ve been talking about the challenges here, and you know, I wish I had left a little bit more time for this, but the conversation was really interesting. And so here we are. I always love to leave people with solutions. So here are these women, they are struggling to find, you know, the right man, to attract the right man, or to keep a relationship. What are some of the solutions that she can potentially implement to solve this problem?

Sami Wunder 55:58
Work with me, inside elevate Okay, so, I mean, yes, still it stands. Come work with me inside Elevate. But I think if I had to give three top tips, they would be number one, do the work to learn how to embrace your feminine energy. It’s game-changing, and it doesn’t mean you have to change yourself, dumb down or play small. I hope I get to not give any person watching this the impression that I’ve dumbed down or played small to you know, attract great love in my life, but what it has given me is an appreciation for receiving versus always giving, for leaning back versus always being the one who’s doing and carrying all the burdens.

And it has brought a lot of space in my life for me to receive love. And receiving love can be extremely healing, and feminine energy is the vehicle for receiving that love. So do intentional work around learning how you can embody your feminine, because it’s not a sustainable model to be in your masculine at work and then come home and be masculine in your relationship as well. It’s going to burn you out. It’s going to make you resentful, it’s going to make you tired. So embrace feminine energy. I think the second would be to get uncomfortable and get good at boundaries. Boundaries create attraction. Most women have a hard time attracting a high-value man or a good partner, there is a pattern that they find it hard to prioritize their needs, prioritize their wants. They feel like a bad person for saying no. They feel like a bad person for drawing their boundaries. And they tend to have negatively charged relationships with boundaries.

It’s like, if I have to draw a boundary, then something must be wrong, or if I have to draw a boundary, then it makes me a bad person, or I create an awkward moment, or I create conflict, or I rock the boat, and I don’t want to do all those things, you know, I want to be a good person. I like this man. I want to be a good person. And so in Elevate, we invite our clients to develop a positively charged relationship with their boundaries and understand that boundaries actually create attraction. So I had such a boundary dating experience with my husband, and it was incredible to see how men respond to you, staying in your power, asking for what you want, saying yes when it feels right, but also saying no when it doesn’t feel right, and how that is actually making a man respect you more and feel more attraction for you. So of course, we’re talking about healthy men, because I think boundaries are also a great filter for toxic men. They can’t toxic men can’t handle your no. No is very personal. No destroys their ego.

So I think just holding on strong to boundaries and understanding that they’re a great filter, and B they’re a great attraction enhancer if you’re dealing with the right man. And I think the third would be if you’re single, to rotational date. And rotational dating is not rotational sleeping. Rotational dating is just going on lots of connection dates in the first part of your funnel, so to speak, if you’re if you were to see your dating experience like a business, and you saw there was a funnel, you know, at the top end of the funnel, you need lots of leads, and then the funnel tapers down when connection builds so similarly, I think if you’re a woman in your 30s and 40s, and you’re really looking to attract a serious partnership and settle down and have a family, do not make the mistake of just speaking to one guy at a time for three months and then you. Know, getting exclusive with him, and then finding out three months later that it’s not working out, and then you’ve lost six months of your life, and then you probably take another few months to heal and recover from that. So it’s like a year gone. So just talk to more men at the same time, and then you will see that with one or two men, you know, the connection will deepen, and those are the men you want to give a shot to, but at one, one point of time, especially in early dating, you want to be having lots of options.

Kevin Anthony 1:00:28
That is all excellent advice. And you know, I would say too. I’ll come back to you. You said it made a little bit of a joke about it, about, you know, coming and working with you. But one of the things that I want to point out with this is, if you’ve been struggling in this area, the patterns that are there, the things that are in the way that are preventing you from finding the right man, are probably pretty deep-seated patterns. They’re not things that necessarily you’re going to be able to fix immediately on your own, because you read somebody’s Instagram post, and suddenly the light bulb went off, right? In other words, if this is important to you, if this is something you struggle with, then get help from somebody who can actually help you recognize the patterns.

And you know, if they’re negative patterns, get rid of them and then create some new, healthy patterns, which is basically all the things that you’re saying, you know, a woman should do, embracing their feminine and getting good at setting boundaries, right? And all that kind of stuff like those things are not always easy to do on your own, and sometimes you can shortcut the process, right? So in other words, you could do that might take you 10 years to figure that out, or you could work with somebody who could help you do it in a year, maybe, right, or something like that. So anyway, I just kind of wanted to make that point that sometimes these things can be really deep-seated patterns, and sometimes it takes some help to really work through them. Okay, we’re definitely out of time, even though I had like five more questions I didn’t get to ask you. Please go ahead and tell the listeners where they can find out more about you and your program and anything else that you want to promote.

Sami Wunder 1:02:19
Thank you. So if you spell my name right, I’m all over the internet, so you just need to get the spelling right. S, A, M, I Sammy and W U N, D, E, R, Wunder. Sammy Wunder. So you can find me on Instagram at the rate, Sammy Wunder coach. You can find me on my website, sammywinder.com and you can book a free consultation with my team if you’d like to inquire about Elevate, which is my six months live group coaching program where we help successful, smart women attract healthy, empowered men, and we also offer support to partnered women who would like to reignite the spark and connection in their Relationships.

I do have two quick free gifts for your audience, Kevin. One is the early dating mastery series because early dating tends to be the most challenging part of dating for my clientele. So these are, this is a video training where I’m going to give you my top five tools. So it’s extremely valuable and how you can show up in your magnetic feminine energy and inspire masculine men to reach out, take you out on quality dates, and build an emotional connection with them. And the second free gift is a video training series called Get Him Obsessed. This is all about helping your man feel that attraction, that spark in the relationship again, and it’s going to touch on all things polarity, feminine energy, and you know, stopping the masculine behaviors and knowing how to in practical ways, show up in your feminine even inside a long term partnership. The links to both these free gifts should be in the show notes.

Kevin Anthony 1:04:00
Absolutely and thank you so much for offering those gifts. They sound amazing because those are definitely skills that women need to learn, for sure. So I want to thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing your perspective.

Sami Wunder 1:04:15
Thank you for having me. It’s been such a great time talking with you.

Kevin Anthony 1:04:19
All right, everybody that’s all the time that I have for this episode, and I will see you next week.

I hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoyed this show, subscribe, leave us a review, and share it with your friends, and for more free exclusive content. Join me in the passion vault at https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. That’s https://www.kevinanthonycoaching.com/vault/. Thanks for listening. And remember, as Celine used to say, you’re amazing!