The Key To Her Pleasure

Kevin Anthony 0:11
Welcome to the Love Lab podcast a safe place to get real about sex. Whether you’re a man or woman, single or couple, this is the show for you.

Céline Remy 0:20
We are your hosts, Kevin Anthony and Céline Remy and we are here to guide you to go from good to amazing in the bedroom and beyond.

Kevin Anthony 0:27
All right, welcome back to the Love Lab podcast. This is episode 206. And it’s titled The key to her pleasure. All right, this is gonna be maybe a little different than what you think it might be.

Kevin Anthony 0:44
We will see. So you know, we were talking, we were saying that you can have all the money in the world, you can be the best looking. But unless you’ve got this one thing, she will never fully crave you with her heart, mind, and soul.

Céline Remy 0:57
This one thing is the one thing that a woman needs to feel sexually invested in somebody.

Kevin Anthony 1:04
It’s the one thing that she really wants.

Céline Remy 1:08
She needs this thing, not only to have an emotional connection with you but also to enjoy the full potential of a physical connection.

Kevin Anthony 1:18
But what is this thing?

Céline Remy 1:22
Drumroll? Well, let’s say, let’s give a big shout-out to our sponsors first.

Kevin Anthony 1:33
Oh, tease. What a tease.

Céline Remy 1:35
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Céline Remy 1:48
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Céline Remy 2:01
Okay, we were such a tease. But I thought it was going to be funny to do it this way. But what are we talking about here? What is this one thing really old joke set aside, this is a subject that continuously comes up over and over anytime I work with a woman.

Céline Remy 2:20
So we’re going to give you the one word the one concept the one thing, yes, you can relax. But we will also break it down and explain it because the word in itself may not mean much to you.

Kevin Anthony 2:35
Well, it probably has meaning to you, but the meaning that you have may or may not be correct. In other words, you might hear and go up. Yeah, okay, whatever.

Kevin Anthony 2:45
But trust us to hang in there and listen to this, because we have a whole lot more on this than you realize, especially if you’re a guy and you’re listening to this, because, you know, it guys will just glance over this. And they’ll just be like, Well, yeah, of course, like no big deal, whatever, I got that right.

Kevin Anthony 3:02
And they don’t understand the many, many different levels that this shows up. As you know, when you’re a woman, and you’re a woman, this can show up on many different levels, right?

Kevin Anthony 3:12
And they’re not all conscious levels. So you know, I said, Well, of course, she said blah, blah, blah. But yeah, but she may not even be conscious of some of this stuff. And if you’re a woman listening, here’s one of the biggest aha oz women have when they work with Celine is, you know, someone will be taking a woman through some practices, exercises, you know, stuff that gets her to understand this.

Kevin Anthony 3:35
And they suddenly have this huge aha, and then they go, I didn’t even realize I was never feeling that, like, I never truly felt like that. And I didn’t even know it.

Céline Remy 3:45
Alright, so we are talking about safety. Safety is the key to her pleasure. Here’s the thing when a woman doesn’t feel safe, she is in her fight, and flight freezes. And when you are in this survival mode, you can no longer be in the enjoyment of yourself, there is no energy that can go from your genitals to your heart.

Céline Remy 4:13
Because you’re like, I have to keep myself safe, I have to run or I have to fight or I’m just frozen in place and so it plays a huge part in a woman’s ability to access deeper levels of pleasure, and we will come back to that. Interestingly enough, I have been working with a couple of women clients lately and both of them brought up this subject.

Céline Remy 4:39
And this is why we’re making today’s show because the first one was a very young woman and she was 25 and in the dating world and having a lot of just kind of stories or believe resentments around the way men sometimes are you know.

Céline Remy 5:00
and again, like, a lot also had to do with her own ability to set her own boundaries to be to learn how she showed up in relationships. So I’m not putting the blame on men. But through working with me, what she realized was, she realized that she thought she didn’t like to be touched.

Céline Remy 5:22
But we did some practices where she received some touch. And she said, Well, I felt so safe with you, I actually enjoyed it. And she had never really felt that with somebody else. And that just turned on the light bulb for her that she was like, wow, I guess that’s what I need.

Céline Remy 5:43
And never, never woman, just I’ll tell you the second story, a little bit older, but she is in a relationship. And her boyfriend is having some complaint about how she shows up in the bedroom or saying she’s too impatient or this and that, and she has her own, you know, complaints about him as well, as is really how things go, right.

Céline Remy 6:06
But what she keeps telling me is like, well, I can’t get there because I don’t feel safe with him. He broke my trust at some point. And obviously, there’s a thing about not letting go and we’ll come back to that.

Céline Remy 6:17
But both of these women are struggling to feel pleasure in their bodies. One of them was really never really enjoying sex. The other one has never experienced a vaginal orgasm because they’ve never put together how to have safety.

Kevin Anthony 6:33
Okay, so when we say safety, what do we really mean? And it’s so important to start by defining this because we talk to a lot of clients about this. And in general, they almost always misunderstand in the beginning until we really get down into describing it.

Kevin Anthony 6:49
So let’s go way back to the beginning. In general, when it comes to sex, the masculine penetrates and the feminine receives, alright, don’t go all crazy now. Ah, today’s modern society. This is terrible. How could you say that? Well, just because it’s reality,

Céline Remy 7:09
once anyone’s an “oute”,

Kevin Anthony 7:11
right? So that’s physically what happens. But it’s also energetically what happens when a man a physical man and a woman get together. So the key to her truly opening up and fully receiving that penetration is she has to feel safe. Right? So what’s interesting is, is that women don’t always realize this.

Kevin Anthony 7:33
So whether or not a woman realizes this, her ability to go deep and truly experience all that deeply connected, passionate sex can be depends on how much she can let go and receive, right. So think about that for a moment. How much pleasure she can feel, depends on how wide she can open up and how she can just become this literally bottomless universe of openness and receiving.

Kevin Anthony 8:01
That’s how she truly orgasm truly accesses those deeper things like cervical orgasms, and just like dissolving into the universe and all this stuff, right? So then the question becomes what gets in the way of her truly opening up and receiving and one of the biggest things is whether or not she feels safe.

Kevin Anthony 8:21
That’s really the thing that gets in the way. And now, when guys listen to this, they go, Well, of course, she feels safe. I’m not going to hurt her. I’ve never done anything like that. Of course, she’s safe. But as mentioned more at the beginning of the show just a few minutes ago, safety shows up in a lot of different ways. And so we’ve got a few ways here. So the most obvious place to start is physical safety.

Kevin Anthony 8:45
Does she feel safe with you? Does she feel safe in the environment? So like, safe with you? Okay. Are you? Have you ever physically abused her? I mean, okay, if you have, then she’s probably not feeling safe. So you need to figure out a way to fix that. But in most cases, that’s not true. You know that those are more outlier cases. But that doesn’t mean that she still feels totally safe with you.

Kevin Anthony 9:10
Another way that that shows up, is let’s say you’re experimenting with BDSM. Like, do you know where the limits are? Right? Or let’s say she’s not wanting really hard sex that day, but you just want to pound and but you’re not Do you listen to her? Or do you just pound anyway, now she’s uncomfortable, right?

Céline Remy 9:34
When it comes to safety? Also, I have a very interesting one. Let’s say there’s a weird noise in the house. Is she the one getting up to look at what’s going on? Or are you the one because if she’s the one who has to go do it, I’ve been in those relationships. I’ve worked with plenty of couples where it’s like that, I can tell you that she cannot feel safe around you.

Kevin Anthony 9:55
That’s the next thing on my list. So does she feel safe in her environment? So that shows up a few ways, right? So that shows up like, are you going to be are you gonna have privacy, and she’s not worried about the kids walking in or strangers walking in, that shows up in like, is she in a place where like, it’s comfortable and the tables, the bed’s not going to collapse or that she’s not going to fall and hit her head on a sharp edge.

Kevin Anthony 10:22
I’m telling you if you don’t realize this, guys, if you’re in a predicament where like, you’re, you’re precariously balanced in a certain thing. And she’s like, laying on her back with her legs spread in the air. And she’s worried that if she rolls to one side, she’s going to hit her head on the sharp corner of the nightstand or something, trust me, she’s thinking about that.

Kevin Anthony 10:41
Maybe not every second, but it’s coming and going through her head the whole time, I better be careful, I better be careful, and better watch out. I shouldn’t spread my legs that far, I shouldn’t lean back that far, right? Like this is going on in her mind the entire time. And if that’s happening, she is not fully present and fully opening and experiencing the pleasure that she could be.

Kevin Anthony 10:59
And then the next of course, is I wrote down here, can she depend on you, if a saber-toothed Tiger suddenly shows up, right? Obviously, a saber-toothed Tiger is not going to show up in your bedroom, but it gets the point across like, you know, for somebody to completely let go and put themselves in a really vulnerable position.

Kevin Anthony 11:20
Like, totally vulnerable can’t act quickly in a moment if necessary. legs spread wide, eyes closed or rolled in the back of the head and completely letting go. That person has to know that if something happens, it’s handled. It’s taken care of. Right. And so are you that guy? Can you do that? You know, do you go? Oh, oh shit. Honey, I heard a noise you go you go check it out. Like, like, seriously?

Kevin Anthony 11:50
What guy does that? Sunday? Yeah, I know, because you’ve experienced it before. But I mean, this is ridiculous. This is your job as a man. And if you are like shriveling up in the corner, and expecting your woman to throw a robot and go downstairs and check it out, man, you have got some work to do. So So that’s, that’s physical safety. Right? So right there.

Kevin Anthony 12:15
When you were like, well, of course, she’s safe with me, I’m not going to smack her around or anything. Now you see that there are many different nuances to that physical safety. It’s not just are you going to physically, you know, beat her or anything like that. It’s like all these other levels of physical environment safety, but then we get too emotional safety.

Céline Remy 12:34
And this is a biggie and we’ll spend a lot more time breaking down emotional safety. Because ultimately, emotional safety can get in the way of your ability to feel physically safe, because of how you are stuck in your head. But you know, is she like, can she feel open to you? Can she bear her soul? Is there this relationship and connection where, again, there’s that safety element, there’s that trust, and all of that?

Kevin Anthony 13:08
Like so, here’s an example of that. If you’ve ever really had really passionate, deeply connected sex where you’ve touched some deep inner portion of a woman, she might begin to cry. So does she feel safe enough at that moment, to literally let that out and let go and just cry and know that you’re not gonna get knocked off your center?

Kevin Anthony 13:29
You’re not gonna go immediately into fix-it mode. Oh, my God, what’s wrong? Let me help you. Can you actually just hold space for her? Can you just be like, they’re physically present and just letting the emotions move through her? Or do you get all I What did I do wrong by you know, right?

Céline Remy 13:47
That’s, that’s a huge one. But we’ll spend more time on emotional safety. So I think we’ll move on to the next one. The other part here is that she feels safe to reveal herself fully naked and exposed without criticism and judgment. We, women, are our worst critics.

Céline Remy 14:04
We will focus on all our flaws and will know where we’re not waxed where we’ve got extra cellulite extra pounds, where this is not perfect and all of this and we don’t realize that you guys don’t see it this way. And we show up very hard on ourselves, but it does happen in some relationships. The man could be pointing out her flaws, which is obviously not helping.

Kevin Anthony 14:32
Yeah, I mean, obviously don’t do that. Guys. Come on. Don’t be that stupid. But

Céline Remy 14:36
hey, do you think I’m a bit jumpy here?

Kevin Anthony 14:40
Right, like, obviously not the right thing to do but kidding. But the reality is what I hear most often when I coach men and they tell me about their sexual experiences with their partners, I’ve had them say all kinds of stuff like she will not have sex with the lights on. Why not?

Kevin Anthony 14:59
The only one way that she doesn’t want to have sex with the lights on is because she either doesn’t want to look at you because you’re a fat slob, or she doesn’t want you looking at her because she’s got all these ideas in her head about where the cellulite is, and where things are sagging and where the wrinkles are. And this that, and the other thing, right, which might

Céline Remy 15:14
be true, but might still love her totally, of course, of course. You sure to pay for not your job. But here’s

Kevin Anthony 15:21
the thing, if she needs to be under the sheets, or she needs it to be in a dark room, or you know any of these things, then she doesn’t feel safe. Again, like I don’t know how to really express this any more clearly. But the vision that I sort of see in my mind when I’m trying to explain or express to a man, what a woman needs is like, think of her when she’s, you know, completely laying back and her legs are spread as wide as they can possibly spread.

Kevin Anthony 15:50
And her labia are just wide open. And you can literally practically look right up into her. Like, just think of how exposed and how just totally open and vulnerable and bear that is and realize that that’s where she needs to be able to get to truly get into those deeper levels of ecstasy and pleasure in her sex. And if she doesn’t feel comfortable doing that in front of you. She doesn’t feel safe for some reason, and you need to figure out what that is. Okay, we’ve got one more on the list does

Céline Remy 16:26
she feels safe to express herself sexually, like Scream orgasm, ejaculate, make funny faces, we all do weird faces, you know, have some like, you know, 14 out of her vagina, you know, whatever kinks she wants. I mean, you know, we have bodies, you know, they’ll make noises, they’ll make slurping noises, we Letting go means you, you’re not controlling yourself all the time watching is my face perfect. At this time, it’s like, this is so good. I’m just gonna let go and enjoy the ride.

Kevin Anthony 16:57
There have been many times when women have said to me, I really want to do it, Jack, you’re late, but I didn’t feel like I could because I didn’t want to make a mess. Or if it wasn’t, didn’t trust the pad, or I didn’t know if you would be okay with it or, and that’s just one example. Right? If she’s really going to access those deeper levels of pleasure, she has to be able to just let herself go there.

Kevin Anthony 17:21
And like you said, these are physical human bodies and stuff happens. And if you’re, if you’re having great sex for a certain period of time, and there’s a lot of in and out and you’re changing positions and moving around like air is going to move and juicers are going to move and

Céline Remy 17:36
well. And especially as she’s expanding and the process of tenting happens where there’s an expansion inside of her vagina, you literally feel like you blooming. And there is some error that happens as there are movements too.

Kevin Anthony 17:49
Yeah. And then you know how many women are self-conscious about screaming too loud, or about not screaming at all, that sort of thing. The reverse literally happened, some women feel self-conscious about the fact that they don’t tend to make a lot of noise because they think the guy wants to hear the girl screaming just like in the porn movie, right?

Kevin Anthony 18:06
So there’s, there are so many ways that she can not feel fully comfortable expressing herself. And so, and we’re going to talk about, you know, later on, what you can do to reverse these things. But just understand that these are all ways that safety that one word shows up for women, like all those things we just gave you. Did you, honestly, the audience, did you think of all those?

Kevin Anthony 18:30
Did you hear every one of those and go? Oh, yeah, that’s true. I totally would have written that same list. If you did great because I’m sure there are some of you out there who did. And for the ones that didn’t understand that this is huge for women. Yeah. And much more nuanced than you realize. Yes. So

Céline Remy 18:48
now that you’re understanding it more, let’s look at some of the roadblocks when it comes to creating safety. Because you might have all the best intentions in the world, you might be like, I want to do everything I can. But there might be things and behaviors that one of you or both of you are doing. I also want to say that safety is also an inner job.

Céline Remy 19:11
So it has both competences that the person you’re with has to be a solid person whom you can let go and relax with. But you also need to know how you can switch from your overdrive overthinking survival mode into like relaxation mode. And you can just always depend on your partner to get there. So I don’t want to just put the weight on the men and say, this is your job and that you have to do it. Oh, she has to do her part as well.

Kevin Anthony 19:44
Yeah. Well, the reality is, is that then you can do everything right and she’s still not going to feel safe because she hasn’t done her inner work. Right, exactly. But if she does her inner work, and you do all the work that you need to do, you are significantly increasing the chances of being able to get there.

Céline Remy 20:00
So number one roadblock to safety is “criticism”. There’s no such thing as constructive criticism when people that was such an old way of thinking people were like, yeah, it’s a good thing. I’m just telling somebody what they could change or do better and stuff. This, just doesn’t work. All you hear is you’re not good enough or you’re not worthy, or there’s something wrong with you. That does not make you feel safe.

Kevin Anthony 20:26
Yeah, so So out of our four different types of safety that we just talked about. Number one here, criticism violates both three and four, which is, does she feel safe to reveal herself fully naked without criticism or judgment? And does she feel safe to fully express herself sexually? So the criticism, you’re violating safeties, three and four?

Céline Remy 20:47
Number two, defensiveness?

Kevin Anthony 20:50
Oh, you’re violating number two, emotional safety. But I didn’t

Céline Remy 20:56
do that. But no, that’s not how I did this. And like that. Okay. Number three, settling,

Kevin Anthony 21:03
settling, I would say that probably violates number four, which is safe to fully express yourself,

Céline Remy 21:09
I would even put it in number one. Because when you’re settling, you’re not putting in an effort. And you’re kind of on cruise control, which means you’re not paying attention to the environment anymore. And there’s a bit of a, well, if you’re not paying attention, you’re not noticing if danger is happening.

Kevin Anthony 21:25
Yeah, that that could be and you know, what was settling? Basically, what we mean is just like settling for the same old, same old, not putting in a lot of effort, not trying real hard. You know, if you’re, if that’s the place that you’re at, don’t expect her to really open up very deeply. She’ll open up about as deep as you try hard.

Céline Remy 21:44
The worst part is, well, it worked with all my other girlfriends, they all did it, and you’re not so there must be something wrong with you. Oh,

Kevin Anthony 21:55
women are like grains of sand. There are no two that are exactly alike, are snowflakes. That’s a better analogy. Women are like snowflakes. There are no two that are exactly alike. Right. So whatever worked for your previous partner, doesn’t mean it’s gonna work. Now, this frustrates men too, especially when they finally get to a level where they feel like they’ve got it.

Kevin Anthony 22:16
Like they finally cracked the Woman Code. You know, like, I got it. Like, I know how to make her happy. I know how to make her feel safe. I know how to make her come, as I got it, right. And then they transition to a new relationship. And suddenly it doesn’t work anymore. And you’re like, What the? Ah, right. Every woman is different.

Céline Remy 22:36
Number four roadblocks to safety. The silent treatment.

Kevin Anthony 22:41
told you nobody feels safe when they’re getting this. Men don’t feel safe when they’re getting excited. They’re like, Oh, shit, something bad’s gonna happen.

Céline Remy 22:51
Five passive-aggressiveness. And by the way, this is a really tricky one. Because a lot of people are not aware that they’re being passive-aggressive.

Kevin Anthony 23:00
This is one of my like, one of the things I hate the most. I have some people in my life, whom I will call acquaintances that are unbelievably passive-aggressive, and they have no idea that they are doing it. And the passive aggressiveness always starts off with some sort of sugar-coated something or other about how great life is how great I am, how great whatever is right?

Kevin Anthony 23:30
And then it’s usually followed up by how great he or she is, and then launch into the criticisms and the defensiveness and the name-calling and everything else. Oh, man, that is the worst.

Céline Remy 23:46
Number six lying? I don’t even know. I don’t think we need to explain lying. I think everybody has been lied to have you ever felt safe?

Kevin Anthony 23:54
Yeah, but I do want to make a distinction here in the lying, which I feel is really, really important. I almost put it on the list as a separate thing. And then I thought it’ll just go on their line, which is this. Okay, obviously, if you lie to your woman, and she knows about it, you have just compromised your trust. Right? She doesn’t trust you. She doesn’t feel safe. Trust equals safety, right? Easy enough.

Kevin Anthony 24:19
Like everybody gets that? Here’s the nuance. Keep your word. Right, because it’s one thing to lie a lie is intentional. Right? You say something that you know isn’t true. Just because you want to make something easy, smooth it over don’t want somebody to know something, manipulate them, whatever it is. But what about all the times when you weren’t lying?

Kevin Anthony 24:42
When you said I’ll be home by because it’s date night. And then you weren’t home by that time? Right? And you might have all the best excuses in the world, my friend this and that and the other thing and this happened and it really wasn’t my fault and blah blah blah it doesn’t matter. because you didn’t keep your word. And if you’re a man that doesn’t keep your word, your woman is never going to trust you.

Kevin Anthony 25:07
And remember, trust equals safety. If she doesn’t trust you, she doesn’t feel safe around you. It’s literally that simple. You have to keep your word. I was literally out on a mountain bike ride with a friend of mine recently, and it was our date night. And I asked, Elena said, you know, do you think we’re gonna have a date night? Because she wasn’t feeling that good?

Kevin Anthony 25:28
And she’s like, Yeah, I think we’ll still do a date night. But as long as you’re home by I forget, what, seven o’clock? Then, you know, all is good. So I was like, Okay, I decided I was going to take off work a little early and get out on my bike because it just needed to get out and move.

Kevin Anthony 25:45
So my friend, of course, shows up, it’s like 30 minutes late, and then becomes 45 minutes late. And then by the time he’s got all this stuff together, were an hour late, right? Well, that’s kind of a big deal when you’re trying to squeeze in arrived at the end of the day. And so we’re out there writing and at some point, you know, he’s like, Oh, we could go this way or this way.

Kevin Anthony 26:05
And I looked at the time because I had my watch on. And I said, Honestly, we literally need to turn around and start heading back now. And he’s like, what, you got plenty of time. And I said, the reality is, by the time we get back, we pack up all our stuff, I drop you off, and then I drive home, I will just about make it home on time.

Kevin Anthony 26:23
And he was just kind of looking at me like, ah, you know, you got a few minutes here and there. And I had to say, Oh, my God, look, you absolutely have to keep your word. If I tell her I will be home by seven, I need to be home by sorry, if it’s 705. No big deal.

Kevin Anthony 26:40
But the point is you this is a way that this sort of lying creeps in when you’re like I don’t lie, I never lie. Okay, not intentionally. But what about all the unintentional ones? Oh, yeah, I will do that, honey, I’ll take care of it. And then you don’t do it?

Céline Remy 26:57
Well, and you’ve kind of explained because we are going to give you some how-tos. And that’s definitely one of them. So we went into good detail there. But it’s a good one that you bought up because I think a lot of people don’t really understand it. So then last but not least your roadblocks is to constantly bring back the past. And this is such bad behavior.

Céline Remy 27:20
You know, at some point, you know, number one, we are all humans, we all make mistakes. We, we do our best, sometimes we fail miserably. And if you decide to stay together to move forward, you have to let it go. You have to move forward. And you can’t constantly bring up the fact that 10 years ago you did this or you did that or you did this five years ago or you never do you always add and

Kevin Anthony 27:44
you know, if we’re being honest, I think women tend to do this to men far more than men do. It’s to women. But it does happen both ways for sure. And yeah, ladies, if you’re listening, just know that if you are doing that, and constantly bringing back the past and throwing all the things that we’ve screwed up in the past, in our face over and over again, year after year, we’re not going to feel safe in the relationship either.

Kevin Anthony 28:06
And if we don’t feel safe, and we’re walking on eggshells, we’re really not going to step up and do for you the things that we need to do, because we’re probably going to be too afraid. Not every man some men are going to be like, Yeah, whatever. But a lot of men, especially these days, the types of men that exist, are not all that strong, to begin with. Sorry, guys. It’s true. Yeah, they’re not going to step up if you’re doing that.

Céline Remy 28:27
Alright, let’s talk about, I mean, how to create physical safety. I feel like it’s a pretty simple one. So maybe we’ll go somewhat quickly through that, and then we’ll spend more time on the emotional part because I think that’s the part that puzzles most men. Yeah,

Kevin Anthony 28:43
exactly. You know, and some of this, we sort of already covered when we talked about, you know, the, all this stuff before, but, you know, make sure you are in a safe environment.

Kevin Anthony 28:53
And I put in quotes unless specifically seeking the thrill of potentially being caught in the accurate you know, sometimes that’s kind of fun, too, but, but in general, if she really is going to like go into the nether worlds in her lovemaking, she needs to know that she is 100% safe.

Kevin Anthony 29:12
So you want to make sure you have privacy, you want to make sure that you know the environment is physically safe, the beds not going to collapse the no sharp edges to hit her head-on, it’s not too cold. Think of all the different physical things that could possibly you know, go wrong in a moment and try to make sure none of those happen.

Kevin Anthony 29:35
Number two, make sure she can trust that you would never physically abuse her in any way no matter how intense the play gets. And so I wrote it that way very specifically because almost every guy listening is going well. Of course, she knows I’m not going to physically abuse her. But then how often do you think about like, Oh, honey, that’s a little too hard. Could you slow down?

Kevin Anthony 29:55
Could you stop and you’re like, oh, yeah, but I’m so close. And I’m just a little bit more Come on. You know, like, she’s gonna shut down, she’s going to tighten up, she’s going to tense up, right? And she’s not going to be able to open and let go. So you really have to think about that, especially if you’re into stuff like BDSM, or any sort of kinky kind of play, like, you really need to know where the boundaries are.

Kevin Anthony 30:19
And she needs to feel 100% confident that whatever those boundaries are that you set, you are not going to go over them. All right, and the last one, make sure that if something were to happen in the middle intruder, earthquake, power outage, you know, whatever it is, you know, Saber-toothed Tiger, that you have got it covered, right, like you’ve got it covered, it doesn’t matter.

Kevin Anthony 30:45
What happens, if like, the crazy guy suddenly jumps, like comes up the balcony and jumps through the window, right? And literally, I know people that have happened to like, what do you do? Do you freeze and put your hands up and go down, hurt us? Or do you jump up and punch that fucker in the face as hard as you possibly can just to give you enough time to grab your gun and stick it in his face. That’s what we’re doing

Céline Remy 31:06
honey, I’m loaded.

Kevin Anthony 31:10
In more ways than one.

Céline Remy 31:15
We going to cover how to create emotional safety next, and then just kind of like wrapping up around that syringe surrendering and really what it means for her when you show up like this, before we do that we have a special invitation for you.

Céline Remy 31:31
If you are in a relationship, and you feel like you are a bit stuck, you’re going through the daily motions, you don’t know how to create safety, you don’t know how to connect, you know, in a sense that really can create the passion.

Céline Remy 31:43
And you don’t want to have this stale or routine sex for the rest of your life, you want to really, you know, like, amp it up a bit, then Kevin, and I would like to invite you to join us our highly sexed power couple platinum program. So if you give us 90 days, we will help you bring the passion back between the sheets, and be synched up sexually so that you can thrive with more purpose and passion in life.

Céline Remy 32:10
So go to Céline remy.com/passion to learn all about this program, and submit your application to work with us. We’d love that.

Céline Remy 32:20
So let’s talk about emotional safety. How do you create emotional fit safety? Number one, respect boundaries and consent. Kevin has already mentioned it multiple times. But this is an essential one. If she says I’m not in the mood for this or that tonight unless she says I’ve changed my mind. Let’s do this.

Céline Remy 32:45
Don’t try to push her to respect the boundary. If you both have agreed to diet or today, we just playing fooling around making Alpha we’re not gonna have penetration. And then you have this massive Boehner don’t try to just shove it in because you’re like, Well, honey, it’s up for let’s do it anyway. If you’ve agreed to something, let her lead if it’s something different. Don’t try to make your way in.

Kevin Anthony 33:12
Yeah, she may change her mind. Yeah. But she has to be the one to do that.

Céline Remy 33:16
Yes. And so if she knows that you can respect those boundaries and consent. This is going to go a long way for her to really relax. And she’s going to agree to more things. Because she knows that if you say, Yes, we’re going to do it this way. That’s what you’ll do. Number two, pay attention to your nonverbal communication.

Céline Remy 33:37
And this is huge. I think they say that 70% of our communication is nonverbal. So you might say, Yes, honey, I’m really happy. But really you’re like slumping you like her. And she’s like, feeling something’s off. Something’s wrong, you know, like, are you in alignment?

Céline Remy 33:53
You know, and it’s okay to tell her this. I’m not sure I’m liking this idea. Or this doesn’t resonate with me or I was really horny, and I want something I was hoping for more like, whatever that is, you don’t have to be like, I should be this more mature, spiritual, advanced, compassionate person, just be who you are. Yeah, I’m like, I’m on a tangent here.

Kevin Anthony 34:20
And I’m letting you go. I’m giving you the space.

Céline Remy 34:22
Never free of our emotional safety. Be an active listener. This is an essential one. And this is one we teach a lot of the men that we work with because as a man, you have a tendency to want to fix things to solve problems.

Céline Remy 34:38
And we women just want to be heard. We don’t always want to be fixed unless we come to you and say, Can you help me figure this out? If we just come to you and say I had the shittiest day and this and that. We just want you to be there for 510 minutes of eventing and be like thank you now I feel better.

Céline Remy 34:56
You’re like thanks for having dumped your shit on me. Now. I’m like I’m gonna have to go to Do something else. But hopefully, you’re not as affected. But being an active listener means you’re not listening to respond, you’re listening to understand. And you’re also just simply listening and, and you can, you can reflect it back.

Céline Remy 35:16
And when she feels heard, feeling heard and seen is essential for us women, then she feels safe. That is that simple. Keep going, number four, practice transparency, whew, transparency, is what we were talking about earlier, when we said, hey, it’s okay to say, I’m having a tough day, or I’m not happy with this, or I’m happy with that. This resonates this is not, you just need to be honest.

Céline Remy 35:49
Transparency is simply like intimacy and honesty, basically, kind of combined together. And you should have that foundation in your relationship anyway. Number five, this is the one Kevin’s talked about earlier. Keep your words. And I will say it from my perspective, as a woman, if my man does not keep his words, he loses my trust and respect like this, it’s instant.

Céline Remy 36:17
And it doesn’t need to be for something big. If you tell me you’re going to put take the trash out and you don’t, you’re losing points. And it starts to accumulate really quickly. I would much rather you not say anything, then you try to say the things and not do

Kevin Anthony 36:33
them. That’s the mistake that a lot of men make is they feel like if they just say it, that like, kind of buy him some time and like smooth things over for a bit. But the problem is it actually creates more problems than it had you just say like, you could simply say, you know, she says, Honey, I want you to do such and such a thing.

Kevin Anthony 36:52
And you’re like, you know, it’d be better off for you to say, No, I don’t have the bandwidth for that. I’ll do it this weekend. Rather than saying, Yeah, I’ll take care of it. In your mind, you’re thinking, Yeah, I’ll take care of it this weekend. And then, you know, it’s Tuesday. And then Wednesday goes by and it’s not done. And Thursday goes by and

Céline Remy 37:15
in her mind, she’s like he said he was going to take care of it. And it’s the first day and she’s like, boiling? And yeah, you see how it goes? Not good. Not good. Number six, demonstrate your care for your actions.

Céline Remy 37:29
And, you know, keeping your word is essential, but your actions matter maybe even more like it’s one thing you know, just look at our politicians, they say a lot of things. But do they follow through? No. And when that happens, can you? Can you trust them? Can you feel safe?

Kevin Anthony 37:48
No.

Céline Remy 37:50
It is the same in your relationship. If you basically your actions speak louder than your words, oftentimes, your words are still important, and you need to keep them. But also, you know, you can be like I love you, I love you, I love you. But you never spend time with her, or you never touch her. If you never give her little gifts or do any of the five love languages, then you’re not demonstrating what you’re saying.

Kevin Anthony 38:14
So don’t be a politician in your relationship.

Céline Remy 38:18
That’s the bottom line. Yeah. Number seven, is how to create emotional safety, and develop emotional intelligence. You know, I fought you EQ. Unfortunately, we are not born with the innate skills to be emotionally intelligent. And it’s a skill we have to learn. We all have learned bad behaviors.

Kevin Anthony 38:44
Yeah, we’re born with the ability to be emotionally intelligent, just not the skills

Céline Remy 38:48
correct. And we’ve all had terrible role models. I don’t know anyone who has had perfect role models. And we’ve all had to unlearn a lot of stuff, relearn, and teach ourselves new ways of being and behaving.

Kevin Anthony 39:01
You know, both you and I are fortunate enough that we grew up with pretty normal parents, you know, like pretty normal, nothing crazy, certainly nothing anywhere near the abuse level or anything like that. And yet, even at their age, now, sometimes we look at some of the things they say and do and we just shake our heads and go see.

Kevin Anthony 39:22
See, this is the example that we were given our whole lives when we were forming how we were going to show up in relationships, you know, it’s like, everybody’s got their shit doesn’t matter who they are. Nobody’s perfect. And we’ve all been exposed to role models that were less than adequate.

Céline Remy 39:38
So just do the work and learn whether it’s nonviolent communication, compassionate communications, or new ways of communicating like there are multiple ways to get there. Just find the one that works for you. Number eight, develop presence. Presence.

Céline Remy 39:55
We’ve talked about presence a lot in our shows and presence is the number one thing meaning that when we do workshops women say they want from a man, why do they want that because they get they feel safe when you are there with them. So being present means, you are 100% with her, you are again paying attention you are seeing her, you are just giving her, all of you, you are all in,

Kevin Anthony 40:22
you know why we talk so much about presence in the work that we do,

Céline Remy 40:27
because it’s just not happening, because it

Kevin Anthony 40:29
is so severely lacking in today’s society, because our entire society is built around basically making you add, you can’t fucking concentrate on anything, you can’t hold a thought or train of thought for more than 30 seconds Like, seriously, and that that shows up throughout your entire life. Right.

Kevin Anthony 40:51
So if that’s showing up in your work, it’s also showing up in the bedroom and showing up and how you communicate in the relationship. I mean, I know because I observe this all the time.

Kevin Anthony 41:01
Like, we have some friends even who, if you watch them interact, neither of them ever actually finishes a complete thought or sentence because then they either move on to something else because there are too many things going on, or their partner interrupts them and they move on somewhere else, right?

Kevin Anthony 41:16
Like there’s just is almost zero focus there. Right? It is an epidemic in society right now. And that’s why we talk about it so much because we’re doing everything we can to try to bring it back into not just relationships, but life in general, you need to have the presence and focus if you are going to be successful at anything.

Céline Remy 41:38
So true. Last but not least, is to bring warmth. And you know, I wanted to say warmth and humor, it kind of goes to with the caring, but the warm-up feel of it is like empathy, also, about that caring, being able to laugh at yourself, at the funny of situation, not taking so many things so seriously all the time. That creates emotional safety.

Kevin Anthony 42:03
Yeah, we could use a lot more than we really good. You know, because we always warm lightness is another way to say is yes.

Céline Remy 42:13
So if you do these things, these nine traits or focus on that it will help to create emotional safety. I would recommend that is a discussion you have with your partner, what do you need, you know, because some woman will say that that doesn’t resonate for me, or you do this really well.

Céline Remy 42:33
Or I didn’t know maybe we could try that. You know, everybody is a little bit different. This is a starting point. You will hit home with many of these.

Kevin Anthony 42:42
Yeah, and keep in mind that she may not be aware that she needs some of these. So if you ask her she’s gonna say oh, no, I don’t need that. Or no, I have that out. Now. I don’t I feel fine there.

Kevin Anthony 42:51
But if you just do it anyway, you will probably notice a shift. You don’t have to even tell her I know you’re gonna want to be like, Hey, I tried this for the last month, and look what happened. I told you I was right. Like you want you’re gonna want to do that. Just don’t do that. Just do it anyway, and enjoy the change.

Céline Remy 43:09
Yes, pat yourself on the back. Call the guy friend. Just don’t put it in her rabbit in her face. Exactly. The thing you can rub in her face as your deck.

Kevin Anthony 43:18
If she asks for nothing better than a woman’s just take your dick and just rub it all over me.

Céline Remy 43:26
We’re discussing here all right.

Kevin Anthony 43:35
Can we just know I’m getting

Céline Remy 43:39
let’s kind of tie it all together. Remember at the beginning of the show, I was also talking about how it is an internal work also you have to do the inner work. When you are constantly experiencing emotions of anger, resentment, worry, frustration, impatient, jealousy, all these things.

Céline Remy 43:58
They keep you in a state of survival. They keep you in your fight-flight and freeze those when you’re in that state. And by the way, I am guilty of that. I have to unlearn this. I think in our society like Kevin was saying we all have ADHD we all have, to relearn to slow down to pay attention. And one of the ways that we try to make this go smoother, we try to control things.

Céline Remy 44:27
So if we control things, if we try to plan everything, and if we like and especially when it comes to the bedroom, sex has to happen with the lights off at this time of the day with these particular circumstances, then I can be okay. It’s because we don’t feel safe. It’s because we control because we’re in fear. If we interfere in survival, if we’re in survival, we’re not feeling safe.

Céline Remy 44:52
That’s the bottom line. Now, there might be other deeper things going on, but that’s still that control as a result of being attached to us. the specific outcome, an outcome where we are sure this is the best for us. Because we always know what’s best.

Kevin Anthony 45:09
We think we do.

Céline Remy 45:10
But we often don’t like how many times in our relationship I thought I knew best. And then you brought up an idea or something. And then I was like, Okay, I’ll try it. And I was like, What a great idea. I would never have thought of that. Or this was a great new perspective, pretty

Kevin Anthony 45:26
much every day. No. I’m just kidding. But no, you’re right. I mean, that does happen. And it goes both ways.

Céline Remy 45:33
Yes, yes. But this is, this is an essential step to realize, are you constantly running those emotions, if you are, you need to learn to stop that. And one of the practices is to come back in touch with your heart, to be in your heart, which again, creates that intimacy and that connection.

Céline Remy 45:53
And then once you are in your heart, this is when you can surrender. I was reading an article from a man I forgot his name, but he wrote a book on the ark of love and something like this. And he was saying that surrendering is from the heart. submission and submitting is from the mind. And so they’re very different places.

Céline Remy 46:17
Because when you’re in the control you are in your head, when you’re in the surrender, you’re in your heart. And the key to your pleasure, trust me. And pleasure is in the surrender and the inner heart, not in her head. You might think the fantasies heart, but where you go when you are in your heart is way different.

Céline Remy 46:35
And the way to her pussy is through her heart. And I wanted to talk a little bit about surrender. And I don’t know, Kevin, if there was anything else you wanted to add, but let

Kevin Anthony 46:44
I do this piece and finish it off with that. Take it home. All right.

Céline Remy 46:47
Okay. All right. Um, first of all, it’s going to read a quote from Danielle Laporte surrender isn’t about being passive. It’s about being open. And this is a huge, huge, huge reframe because so many women are afraid to get to that place of surrendering because they see it as being passive and as being weak.

Céline Remy 47:08
And it’s not about weakness. It’s not about passiveness. It’s about openness. Okay. And there’s something that happens when there’s that moment of surrender, surrender, and getting to those deeper places of pleasure is not somewhere you can get every single time you make love. Okay? It happens sometimes, sometimes not.

Céline Remy 47:31
And that’s okay. But it’s best if you can get there regularly, right? If you can make it a practice to get there. And the way that it looks like for a woman is that she can trust and let go. In her partner’s leadership, it means that she knows that whatever he’s doing is for her, that he acts with her best interests in mind. And when she surrenders, she can delight in what he’s providing for her.

Céline Remy 48:10
And it’s a gift that she can enjoy every second. It’s a vacation for her mind. And she can let go of having to plan everything, control everything. And there’s nothing hotter than being led by your man in this way. It’s absolutely utterly delicious. And you want to get there as a woman,

Kevin Anthony 48:36
you’ve just triggered half of the audience congratulations. But everything that you said is true. And you know, if you are triggered by it, really take a step back and think about it and really feel into what she just shared. Because if you’re really honest with yourself, you’ll know that that’s the truth.

Kevin Anthony 48:54
And you’ll know that, as we have stated multiple times throughout this show that surrendering is not weak. And it reminds me of that old Betty White quote, I don’t remember it exactly.

Kevin Anthony 49:06
But it’s something along the lines of, you know, why do we use the word pussy to describe somebody when they’re weak, they’re like, those things can take a pounding, like, Great Betty White, it’s a great quote, go look it up if you’ve never heard it, but the point is, is that surrender is not weak. This idea that because she’s surrendering to a man is not in any way shape, or form weakness, it actually takes an incredibly powerful person to be able to let go of that control.

Céline Remy 49:33
And in that dynamic that we just described, she is in, she’s totally empowered. And he is totally empowered. So both partners are basically at their best. I mean, this is how it should be. I’m just like in awe of this. I’m like, This is so beautiful.

Kevin Anthony 49:55
Indeed it is if you’ve ever experienced that you really know how beautiful it is, and how well it works. I mean, it’s the way it’s designed.

Céline Remy 50:03
Yeah. So the key to our pleasure is safety.

Kevin Anthony 50:08
Mm-hmm. So it took us 50 minutes to explain that one word.

Céline Remy 50:15
Hope that you got some good insights so that you were able to drive the words, home deeper but see the nuances really, because, again, if you think that you are safe, yet there are things in your life or in your relationship where she’s not totally surrendering, opening up, or experiencing the pleasure that she can and wants to that is because she is on some level, not feeling that safety.

Céline Remy 50:41
So hopefully, you can start to look at the different facets of it and start to see where you could adjust.

Kevin Anthony 50:48
That’s right. And practice, practice, practice as always. All right, everybody. That’s all the time we have for this episode, and we will see you next week. We hope you liked this episode of the Love Lab podcast. If you enjoy this show, subscribe. Leave us a review and share it with your friends.

Céline Remy 51:09
And for more free exclusive content. Join us in the passion vault at Celineremy.com/vault.

Kevin Anthony 51:23
Thanks for listening. And remember,

Céline Remy 51:26
you’re amazing